Jack Withrowe: My car doesn't drive so well with a tree in it.
Dean: Do you have any idea how much therapy you people need?
Page Conners: [to Jack] Listen, mouth-breather, I'm fully capable and in the mood to beat the shit out of your psychotic, sulking ass!
Page Conners: [to Jack] Since you can't seem to read my subtle signals, I'll help you out. Piss! Off!
Page Conners: [bursting into Jack's bar] I want my purse, jerk-off!
Jack Withrowe: That's not very friendly. Now, I want you to go back out, and this time, when you kick the door open, say something nice.
Page Conners: [standing firm] You stole my purse, dip-shit, and you stole it so I'd have to see your ugly-ass face again.
Page Conners: Look, just give it to me, or would you rather have my heel up your ass?
Jack Withrowe: Who told you I'm into that?
Jack Withrowe: Isn't that the shoe you wanted to jam up my ass?
Page Conners: No, that was the 6" heel.
Page Conners: [on a deserted beach at night] You're not out here burying high school kids, are you?
Jack Withrowe: Well, they egged my car.
Jack's Mother: Uh, what it is you do, Mr. Staggliano?
Vinny Staggliano: College professor.
Jack's Mother: Oh! Uh, what do you teach?
Vinny Staggliano: College stuff. What are you, a fucking cop?
Dean: No more conning! No more! If you're gonna be my wife, you're gonna live a respectable life, chopping cars!
Ulga: [seeing a fancy cigarette lighter] Ah, a... personal fire device.
Ulga: So much loudness. Can we not go somewhere I can relate to you... orally?
Max Conners: I'm sorry, Page. I'm a terrible mother. I'm a terrible everything.
Page Conners: [comforting her] You're finally seeing things clearly.
Woman: I'm sorry, sir, but smoking is not permitted.
William B. Tensy: Oh, terribly sorry.
[drops cigarette in her wine glass]
William B. Tensy: Nazi...
William B. Tensy: [regarding the cigarette lighter present] I'm not trying to get you to take up smoking, just thought it'd be a nice... incentive.
Max Conners: How do I look?
Page Conners: If I were a guy, I'd do you.
Page Conners: There's no love. It's the trick of the brain. It's the combination of chemicals and hormones.
Max Conners: He doesn't look so bad in this light.
Page Conners: Oh, yeah. His liver spots are positively glowing.
Page Conners: You spy on people humping in boats? That's so perverted.
Jack Withrowe: No, I look at stars.
Page Conners: Look, just because they're famous doesn't mean they don't deserve their privacy too. Who ya got?
Jack Withrowe: The stars up there.
[points to sky]
Page Conners: You mean you come all the way out here to stare at space and shit?
Jack Withrowe: No, I come out here to get away from the lights of the city so I can SEE the space and shit.
Max Conners: I am in terrific shape. Feel my butt!
Page Conners: Uh, I am not feeling your butt again, Mother. We all know it's wonderful.
Wendy: Is it hard?
Dean: [nervously looks at his crotch] What?
Wendy: Getting married.
Jack Withrowe: Look, I'm willing to explore the whole being dominated thing, okay? But let's just take it slow.
Jack Withrowe: [on the phone] Why won't you talk to me?
Page Conners: [on the phone] Because there's nothing to say.
[Jack appears from behind "Jane's" car]
Jack Withrowe: Then why are you here?
Max Conners: Wait by the phone. Timing on this is crucial.
Page Conners: Duh!
[walks away from car window]
Page Conners: ...Always treating me like a child...
Max Conners: Child.
Max Conners: I'll protect her.
Dean: From what? From love?
Max Conners: From pain.
Dean: Love *is* pain! Life is pain. You can't protect anybody from it, it's always gonna get you. But sometimes, life could also be good. But you got to be open. You got to takes chances. You got to let go!
Page Conners: I'd have to kiss that?
Max Conners: Well, I'd have to kiss that way more than you.
Page Conners: Maybe you're into necrophilia.
Page Conners: Why can't we pick someone kinda cute?
Max Conners: Dean was kinda cute.
Page Conners: You're in serious denial.
Max Conners: Cute is dangerous. Cute leads to feeling, which leads to screwing, which leads to screwed.
William B. Tensy: [showing the statue to "Ulga"] Completely restored. Only seven thousand for a new willy.
Max Conners: You will respect your mother and do the con.
Page Conners: Keep dreaming, witch!
Max Conners: You are not too old to spank!
Page Conners: Try it!
Dean: You gold-diggin' whore, you're already working someone else!
[points a gun at Tensy]
Dean: Get off of her, asshole. Get off, asshole!
Max Conners: Don't shoot him, Dean.
Dean: Why not?
Max Conners: Because he's already dead.
Dean: Shut up, junior slut! Get over there! Ya know, you two got some brass balls in those panties, I'll give ya that. And in the few moments you have left, I wanna see some beggin' and some pleadin'.
[points gun at Max and Page]
Page Conners: Uh, Mom...
Max Conners: Dean... you've got so many tells. You are not the killing type.
Dean: Don't screw with me. I'm on a fine edge, here. Don't!
Max Conners: [takes gun from Dean and opens it] See... no bullets.
Dean: Fine. So I'm not that big on homicide!
Linda: [watching Page manhandle a cigarette machine] Oh, yeah... she's a delicate flower.
Max Conners: [considering Tensy as their next mark] Hmm...
Page Conners: Not "hmm"! I am not dating the walking dead!
Dean: [on a fishing boat] Look at all the fish!
[pulls his gun out and starts shooting at the water]
Dean: Huh, got it. This is gonna be a fun trip!
Jack Withrowe: Hi. Can I get you a drink?
Page Conners: Wow! I've never heard that one before. You really blow me away with your creativity.
Jack Withrowe: Well, I...
Page Conners: "Well, I, uh..." Your recovery's even better! Do you even care at all who I am? I mean, I could be the Antichrist or have the intelligence of a thermos, but unfortunately *those* are not the matters the male penis ponders. So please tell me, why did you walk all the way over here to ask to get me a drink?
Jack Withrowe: Well, because... I'm the bartender.
Max Conners: Maybe you'd like a spanking?
Page Conners: Just try it. I dare you!
Dean: Honey! Honey! This isn't what it looks like. I... I... I swear her hair got stuck in my zipper. I-I-I-I wasn't gettin' nothin'.
Max Conners: [catching Dean with another woman before their marriage was consumated] You just lost the best thing you never had.
Max Conners: Forget it. You're not gonna kill yourself and stink up my new car.
Max Conners: Have you any idea what that meat is doing to your arteries?
Page Conners: Haven't you heard? Cigarettes dissolve cholesterol.
Max Conners: Mothers are death.
Page Conners: Can't argue there.
Bill: Well, Jack, looks like she got a free drink *and* one of your balls.
Jack Withrowe: [excusing Page's volatile behavior] Everyone's a little irritable after they choke.
William B. Tensy: Smoking is part of the fun of being a kid. We just did some tests on some 9-year-olds. After a little puking, why, you couldn't drag 'em away from the stuff. Heh-heh-heh.
William B. Tensy: You're only young once. Why not indulge, though, I always say.
William B. Tensy: There is nothing sexier than smoke billowing proudly out of a woman's hot, red, engorged nostrils.
Jack Withrowe: You *are* good. You may not know it, but I *do*. You come on tough, but it's all just an act. I mean, you don't even believe in sleeping together before marriage. You're like a Brady or an Osmond or something.
William B. Tensy: [slipping the arresting officer cash as he takes a housekeeper to jail] If it's at all possible, could you slap her around a little bit?
Jack Withrowe: Tell me to my face you don't love me.
Page Conners: I don't love you.
Jack Withrowe: Wow. More believable than I thought it would be.
William B. Tensy: [advancing upon Olga] My love, tonight we will celebrate this ecstatic joining of our spirits with the union of our aching bodies.
Dean: Angela, I've changed. I've totally changed. Look, look, look! This place is crawling with prime trim; I'm barely even noticing.
Ulga: God is everywhere.
William B. Tensy: Yes, he is. Isn't he? Nosy bastard.
Ulga: [upon seeing Tensy in his undershirt and shorts, w/fake Russian accent] Oh my gootness! Dat ees jarring!
William B. Tensy: [greeting Page-as-Wendy at her interview] Sorry I'm late. I've been passing out more frequently lately.