Max Conners:
We have a bitch alert!
Jack's Mother:
Uh, what it is you do, Mr. Staggliano?
Vinny Staggliano:
College professor.
Jack's Mother:
Oh! Uh, what do you teach?
Vinny Staggliano:
College stuff. What are you, a fucking cop?
Dean:
No more conning! No more! If you're gonna be my wife, you're gonna live a respectable life, chopping cars!
Jack Withrowe:
My car doesn't drive so well with a tree in it.
William B. Tensy:
I love a woman who eats raw meat.
Ulga:
[
seeing a fancy cigarette lighter] Ah, a... personal fire device.
Ulga:
So much loudness. Can we not go somewhere I can relate to you... orally?
Max Conners:
I'm sorry, Page. I'm a terrible mother. I'm a terrible everything.
Page Conners:
[
comforting her] You're finally seeing things clearly.
Woman:
I'm sorry, sir, but smoking is not permitted.
William B. Tensy:
Oh, terribly sorry.
[
drops cigarette in her wine glass]
William B. Tensy:
Nazi...
William B. Tensy:
[
regarding the cigarette lighter present] I'm not trying to get you to take up smoking, just thought it'd be a nice... incentive.
Max Conners:
How do I look?
Page Conners:
If I were a guy, I'd do you.
Page Conners:
There's no love. It's the trick of the brain. It's the combination of chemicals and hormones.
Dean:
Marry me... again.
Max Conners:
He doesn't look so bad in this light.
Page Conners:
Oh, yeah. His liver spots are positively glowing.
Page Conners:
You spy on people humping in boats? That's so perverted.
Jack Withrowe:
No, I look at stars.
Page Conners:
Look, just because they're famous doesn't mean they don't deserve their privacy too. Who ya got?
Jack Withrowe:
The stars up there.
[
points to sky]
Page Conners:
You mean you come all the way out here to stare at space and shit?
Jack Withrowe:
No, I come out here to get away from the lights of the city so I can SEE the space and shit.
Max Conners:
I am in terrific shape. Feel my butt!
Page Conners:
Uh, I am not feeling your butt again, Mother. We all know it's wonderful.
Dean:
Do you have any idea how much therapy you people need?
Page Conners:
May I grab your nuts?
Wendy:
Is it hard?
Dean:
[
nervously looks at his crotch] What?
Wendy:
Getting married.
Jack Withrowe:
Look, I'm willing to explore the whole being dominated thing, okay? But let's just take it slow.
Jack Withrowe:
[
on the phone] Why won't you talk to me?
Page Conners:
[
on the phone] Because there's nothing to say.
[
Jack appears from behind "Jane's" car]
Jack Withrowe:
Then why are you here?
Max Conners:
Wait by the phone. Timing on this is crucial.
Page Conners:
Duh!
[
walks away from car window]
Page Conners:
...Always treating me like a child...
Max Conners:
Child.
Max Conners:
I'll protect her.
Dean:
From what? From love?
Max Conners:
From pain.
Dean:
Love *is* pain! Life is pain. You can't protect anybody from it, it's always gonna get you. But sometimes, life could also be good. But you got to be open. You got to takes chances. You got to let go!
Page Conners:
I'd have to kiss that?
Max Conners:
Well, I'd have to kiss that way more than you.
Page Conners:
Maybe you're into necrophilia.
Page Conners:
[
to Jack] Listen, mouth-breather, I'm fully capable and in the mood to beat the shit out of your psychotic, sulking ass!
Page Conners:
Why can't we pick someone kinda cute?
Max Conners:
Dean was kinda cute.
Page Conners:
You're in serious denial.
Max Conners:
Cute is dangerous. Cute leads to feeling, which leads to screwing, which leads to screwed.
William B. Tensy:
[
showing the statue to "Ulga"] Completely restored. Only seven thousand for a new willy.
Max Conners:
You will respect your mother and do the con.
Page Conners:
Keep dreaming, witch!
Max Conners:
You are not too old to spank!
Page Conners:
Try it!
Dean:
You gold-diggin' whore, you're already working someone else!
[
points a gun at Tensy]
Dean:
Get off of her, asshole. Get off, asshole!
Max Conners:
Don't shoot him, Dean.
Dean:
Why not?
Max Conners:
Because he's already dead.
Dean:
Shut up, junior slut! Get over there! Ya know, you two got some brass balls in those panties, I'll give ya that. And in the few moments you have left, I wanna see some beggin' and some pleadin'.
[
points gun at Max and Page]
Page Conners:
Uh, Mom...
Max Conners:
Dean... you've got so many tells. You are not the killing type.
Dean:
Don't screw with me. I'm on a fine edge, here. Don't!
Max Conners:
[
takes gun from Dean and opens it] See... no bullets.
Dean:
Fine. So I'm not that big on homicide!
Page Conners:
For once, she's telling the truth!
Dean:
Like I'm gonna believe the seed of Satan!
Linda:
[
watching Page manhandle a cigarette machine] Oh, yeah... she's a delicate flower.
Max Conners:
[
considering Tensy as their next mark] Hmm...
Page Conners:
Not "hmm"! I am not dating the walking dead!
Page Conners:
One penis coming up, Mom!
Page Conners:
[
to Jack throughout the movie] I gotta go.
Dean:
[
on a fishing boat] Look at all the fish!
[
pulls his gun out and starts shooting at the water]
Dean:
Huh, got it. This is gonna be a fun trip!
Jack Withrowe:
Hi. Can I get you a drink?
Page Conners:
Wow! I've never heard that one before. You really blow me away with your creativity.
Jack Withrowe:
Well, I...
Page Conners:
"Well, I, uh..." Your recovery's even better! Do you even care at all who I am? I mean, I could be the Antichrist or have the intelligence of a thermos, but unfortunately *those* are not the matters the male penis ponders. So please tell me, why did you walk all the way over here to ask to get me a drink?
Jack Withrowe:
Well, because... I'm the bartender.
Max Conners:
Maybe you'd like a spanking?
Page Conners:
Just try it. I dare you!
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