Casey: There's a .45 in the fridge, and you grab a FUCKING frying pan!
Dallas: I've gotta tell you, Casey. I'm not impressed. After everything I heard about you, I thought you were gonna be more like... me. But you are a sheep like all the rest.
Casey: There will come a time, when even you can't handle it any more. You'll pack it up... or you'll put a bullet in that pretty little head of yours, or someone else will.
Billy Hill: [to Casey, tied and gagged] Don't go nowhere.
[Casey is tied to a chair, Dallas is holding a gun on him]
Dallas: So, it looks like we're gonna have to wait for Nick. What should we do to kill some time? I know... Let's fuck.
Casey: [sarcastically] That's happening. Even if you weren't the most disgusting bitch I've ever met, I'd have to decline. You see, I'm a married man.
Dallas: You seem to be under the impression that you have a choice here.
[Dallas goes to the stereo and picks a CD to play]
Dallas: You'll appreciate the irony here.
[Dallas picks up a photo of Casey's wife, licks it, and puts it on the counter behind him]
Dallas: She wanted to watch.
Casey: Fuck you, bitch.
[Dallas slaps Casey hard across the face]
Casey: There's no fucking way you'll ever get me inside you.
[lyrics: "I don't know why I can't help myself"]
Dallas: [leans in close] You wanna bet?
Kasarov: Tell you what, Casey. I'm gonna make you a deal. You have that money here tonight at 7 o'clock, and I'll make this fucking nightmare disappear. Where you got the bodies?
Casey: In the garage.
Kasarov: Let's go...
[cut to the garage]
Kasarov: What the fuck is this?
[two men hanging by legs from ceiling, gagged, whimpering]
Casey: I didn't know what to do with them.
[Kasarov draws his gun and puts 3 bullets into each man]
Kasarov: Well, I tell you something, Casey. If I was you, I'd clean up this mess, because your wife's gonna come home and she's not gonna be very happy.
Casey: Any suggestions?
Kasarov: Well, I'll tell you, if, uh, I'm not mistaken... I think today is garbage day.
Casey: Three happy years of veggie burgers and acidophilus.
Nick: [picks up frying pan in sink] Those are scrambled eggs.
Casey: Scrambled Tofutti.
Nick: [scoffs] Fuck, dude. Rod Serling's gonna step outta that fridge any second.
[Casey's phone "moos"]
Dallas: Your cow is calling you.
Casey: [Dallas arrives at the Casey's house] Can I help you?
Dallas: May I.
Casey: All right, may I help you?
Dallas: So you're Casey?
Casey: That's right.
Dallas: I'm a friend of Nick's.
Casey: I bet you are.
Dallas: May I come in?
Casey: Nick is not here right now.
Dallas: I'll wait.
Casey: I'm a little busy.
Dallas: Well, I'll be real quiet.
[Sneaks under Casey's arm into the house]
Casey: Look, lady, I just told you I'm a little busy.
Dr. Jarvis: It's quite all right, Mr. Wells, I think I would enjoy speaking with your friend.
Casey: She's not my friend, I don't know who the fuck she is.
Kasarov: Your friend Nicky stole a lot of money from us. Killed a few officers in the process. Deaths we can overlook. But we want our money back.
Nick: [Casey calls Nick in the car after found out about the drugs in the briefcase] Yeah?
Casey: I just wanna know one thing what kind of fucking drugs you're on?
Casey: I wanna know what kind of FUCKING DRUGS YOU ARE ON THAT MADE YOU THINK YOU COULD BRING FUCKING SMACK INTO MY HOUSE?
Nick: The briefcase was closed, Case.
Casey: Yeah? Sue me.
Nick: It wasn't very trusty if you go through my shit.
Casey: This ain't exactly meant to borrow when you trade countier B, you've brought that shit in my house, in my home. Where you were invited to into as my FUCKING GUEST. You know what they did in Ancient Rome when a visitor violated somebody's hospitality? THEY CUT OFF HIS DICK AND THEY NAILED IT TO THE FUCKING GATE.
Nick: You see this is why I didn't wanna tell you. I knew you'd have a little enthusiasm for this deal. I have a little business to finish up here in Houston and I wanted to tell "adios" face to face.
Casey: I want you to penal your ass back here, pick up your shit and get the fuck out of my house.
Nick: No can do, buddy. I appreciate your situation but I told ya I have a little unfinished business to take care of.
[Connects a silencer on his gun]
Casey: Through what?
Nick: Little unfinished business.
Casey: If you're not back here in fifteen minutes you're gonna have to pick up your shit for the police evidence room.
Nick: And tell them what? Your ex-partner had a step by with a basket full of goodies and you felt it was your moral obligation to turn them in? I don't think so.
Casey: Look, you lying piece of shit! Right now I have a little trouble coming up with reasons not to BLOW THE BACK OF YOUR FUCKING HEAD OFF.
Nick: You don't sound like that happy suburban that I saw this morning. Don't forget...
[Knocks the phone on the wheel]
Nick: never can tell, they can listen us in. Just watch my shit, Case, I'll be back in a couple of hours, I'll pick my bags and I'll split.
Casey: Watch your shit? You're not hearing me, Nick, get...
Nick: Sorry, Case, time's up, gotta go.
Casey: Nick? Nick? Nick?
[In anger starts smashing the phone]
Casey: FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
Casey: Since we're all good friends here I have a question for you.
Ballpean: Ask way.
Casey: I heard about this big bad motherfucker, has got this habit to hit niggers with a hammer. I've heard a reason why he uses it. I got sympathy for that. But... uh... there's one thing I just can' get out of my head.
Ballpean: Go on.
Casey: Well, I've heard about almost all niggers got these really big dicks, you know, salami size cocks. Now I had many different blowjobs by any number of different bitches so I know how much room my white boy's dick takes up in bitch's mouth right? My question is how in hell this little bitch got this big nigger's dick in her mouth and chopped it off with only one bite? She could gnaw it for a while but I don't think any motherfucker in here never let that happen. So the only thing I can think of is that this big bad-ass kicking nigger had this little, tiny dick that'd done no good anyway. So what do you think? Am I close?
Casey: You know what they did in Ancient Rome, when a visitor violated somebody's hospitality? They would cut off his DICK and they NAILED IT to the FUCKING GATE!
Cop: Picard or Kirk?
Nick: No question... Kirk.
Cop: Hell yeah. You gotta respect a man who can fuck a green bitch and destroy an entire civilization in sixty minutes.
Dallas: I went on as a day player. On this porn film in LA. Just to see what it was like. Right? So I spent 5 hours with this guy ramming his dick up my ass and these two women licking my clit. Not what you expect, though - it's just acting. At first, it was great. And then you have some prick director who comes over and yells "Cut!" in your face and some queen make-up artist who comes over every couple of minutes to touch up the make-up that's being slobbered off of your tits. So you don't really have a chance to enjoy it. Finally, I just walked off the set. Cool experience, though. You got a hard-on, Jarv?
Casey: [Casey picks up the phone] Hello!
Nick: Hey Casey!
Casey: NICK! Man it's good to hear from you! God damn, I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your visit.
Nick: I know you're pissed.
Casey: Pissed? Oh no, I'm not pissed. If you hadn't brought your friends along what would I have done with my day, Man? I had missed out on being beaten, raped, abused, tied up, general fucked up. And not to mention what you have done for my house.
[He looks around in the kitchen]
Casey: What would you call it? Early gothic horror.
Billy Hill: [in the store with Nick and Dallas] This bitch is gettin' on my nerves man.
Dallas: Just get the fucking coffee and let's go.
Billy Hill: This ain't exactly Brazil. I coulda pissed you a fuckin' cup by now.
Nick: [to Cashier] HEY? You're out of Chocolate Mac!
Cashier: Sorry. No Chocolate Macadamia. You will please have something else?
Nick: [filling cup] Fuckin' Hazelnut...
Cashier: [ringing up cash register] That will be one dollar and eight cents.
Nick: The sign says "All coffee: 69 cents."
Cashier: I am very sorry, but that is a 44-ounce cup and the largest coffee cup is 20 ounces. Therefore, I must charge you 99 cents, plus tax, the price of a large fountain drink.
Nick: That's bullshit! That sign says "Coffee: all sizes", not "all sizes up to 20 ounces."
Cashier: I'm humbly sorry, but you must pay 99 cents, plus tax, for that cup.
Dallas: Just pay the bitch the dollar-eight and let's get the FUCK outta here!
Nick: Fine, but it's bullshit. Just get me my fuckin' snackie cake.
Cashier: I'm sorry. I cannot do that. That is *only* available with the 20-ounce coffee. That is not a 20-ounce coffee.
Billy Hill: This bitch is gettin' on my nerves, man. Forget it!
Dallas: Just give him the fuckin' danish.
Nick: That sign says, "Free snackie cake." I paid a dollar and eight cents for my coffee. I want my free snackie cake!
Cashier: I *cannot* do that.
Dallas: [puts snackie cake on the counter] Here. Hmmm? Take it!
Nick: That's apple cinnamon! I wanted cream cheese.
Billy Hill: For fuck's sake, pay her the money and let's go.
Nick: [scoffs] Fine! Either of you got something smaller than a Ben?
Cashier: [Billy opens his case and hands Nick a $50] I'm sorry. I cannot accept any moneys over a $20 bill.
Billy Hill: [frustrated] That's it...
Cashier: I should not sell it to you anyway, as that cup is very hot and might burn you. You are very strange. I'm going to call the police.
Dallas: Fuck this. BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!... BLAM!
Billy Hill: God da-amn! You see the way that bitch's head exploded? Shit. Ordinarily, it'd be a damn shame to shoot a piece of ass like that. Ya know what I mean? But in her case, I'll make an exception. I always hated that bitch...
Billy Hill: My name's Billy Hill. Friends call me Hillbilly. You can call me Mr. Hill. I hope I didn't interrupt anything too romantic for you, but that whore can go all day long...
Billy Hill: Well, I ain't gonna shit ya, pal. When I leave here today, you're gonna be dead as Cinderella over there. Regardless of what you tell me, I'm gonna fuck you up.
[opens his bag and takes out a battery-powered circular saw]
Billy Hill: [turns on the saw and holds it in front of Casey's face] YOU READY TO GET STARTED?
Billy Hill: [turns off the saw] I know you threw out the smack. And you probly don't know where the money is, neither. That's cool. Tho the truth is... I ain't got nothin' better to do, while I wait here for my old friend Nick.
Billy Hill: [reaching in his bag] Just so you know, I ain't gonna let you bleed to death.
Billy Hill: [takes out a blow-torch] No, sir. Cuz when I cut you...
Billy Hill: [turns on the blow-torch] I'm gonna cauterize it. I consider myself an artist. Matter of fact, I picked up this little girl at this club one time... and I cut on her for 16 hours. That's a personal best, but... I keep hoping...
Billy Hill: [turns on the saw] Alright, now, let's see. I think I'm gonna start at the feet, AND WORK MY WAY UP!
Nick: Ballpean's Casa, 7 o'clock.
Casey: Where the fuck a nigger get a name like that?
Nick: You seen Little Nigger's arm, right?
Casey: Oh, yeah.
Nick: That's why they call him Ballpean.
Casey: He broke Jimmy's arm?
Nick: With a 10-pound ballpean hammer. Three years ago, Lester James, AKA Ballpean, was a big stud motherfucker. Had a stable of bitches he fucked on a regular basis, but every couple of weeks he went out to get some strange...
Nick: One night Lester finds himself in this titty bar, and this KNOCKOUT white girl named Raven is just gyrating her little tits off. Well, Lester wanted her, in the WORST way. Even MORE when she told him to go fuck himself. He just sprinkles a little fairy dust on her, some how gets her to go back to his place. Well, that was all she wrote. He ABUSED this bitch. He FUCKED her every way that you can think of and THEN some. Finally, he gets ready to go AGAIN and he figures he'd really degrade this bitch and make her blow him. So, he pushes her head down, and BAM! She bites that motherfucker's dick clean off. Now, fortunately, they found it, and they sewed it back on - but it never worked right again...
Nick: The problem is, a story like that gets around. You know how it is? So, to combat this, any time he even heard anybody talk about it, he'd use his fuckin' hammer on 'em. Ballpean kinda stuck.
Dallas: Don't worry. I'm not gonna kill you til you cum. I'll let you betray your wife thoroughly.
[Nick arrives at Casey's door, looking like a gangster]
Casey: Turn around and put your hands on the wall.
Nick: [scoffs] What?
Casey: Turn around and put your hands on that wall.
Nick: You're kidding, right?
[Casey crosses his arms and exhales]
Nick: You're not gonna try and fuck me, are you?
Casey: [patting Nick down] You wish.
Nick: This isn't exactly how I envisioned our re-union going.
[Casey spins Nick around, bear hugs him, and picks him up]
Nick: Oh, god damn! Ah! You had me going.
Casey: God damn! Good to see you.
[Casey pushes Nick and kisses him jokingly on the cheek]
[Casey is tied to a chair]
Dallas: [puts her boot to his crotch] Answer my questions, before you start losing appendages.
Casey: You wanna beer?
Nick: When's the last time you had a beer at 8 in the morning?
Casey: About three and a half years ago.
Casey: [to Nick] Look, you lying piece of shit. I am having a little bit of trouble COMING UP WITH REASONS *NOT* TO BLOW THE BACK OF YOUR *FUCKING* HEAD OFF!
Dallas: Do you like pornos?
Dr. Jarvis: Excuse me?
Dallas: You know, pornos. Fuck films. Surely, you've heard stories.
Dr. Jarvis: [uncomfortable] Yes, I've heard stories, but I've never... I've never really given them that much thought.
Dallas: I love them, especially fag flicks. Their big cocks sliding in and out of each other. Fuck, that gets me so wet, they have to steam-clean the seat after I leave.
Dallas: [leans back] In fact, mmm...
Dallas: [grabs her crotch] I'm getting wet just talking about it.
Dallas: [Dallas's tied up Casey] Well, Case, it's you and I. So what do you think?
Casey: How my wife is gonna have my ass when she finds out I let some dyke in a pink rubber dress blow off a chance for Happy Meals and diaper wipes.
Dallas: It's red, asshole.
[points gun at him]
Dallas: Or is it?
Dallas: You can keep the smack and I'll take the money.
Casey: Money? What fucking money?
Dallas: Looks like we're going around circles here.
[Puts a gun to his head]
Dallas: I need two mill, Casey. Now let me...
Casey: Now let me explain something to you. I am not a drug dealer. It's been four years since I've seen any drugs. I'm an architect. I'm a little happy Republican who spends the majority of his time trying to figure out how to pay the fucking bills and how make my wife happy.
Cop: Who do you like better, Picard or Kirk?
Nick: Oh, there's no question about it. Kirk.
Cop: You bet! You gotta respect a guy who can fuck a green bitch and destroy a whole civilization, all in 60 minutes.
Casey: [trying to convince himself] There is nothing in that case but a pack of legal documents. Maybe a box of condoms. That's it.
[suddenly grabs a screwdriver]
Casey: I just love duct tape, don't you? Except you're probably one of those morons that calls it duck tape.
Casey: [explaining away how long it took him to answer the door] I'm sorry about that, I couldn't find the key to the door.
Dr. Jarvis: I didn't hear it unlock.
Casey: Oh that's right, yeah, I didn't find it.
Billy Hill: [amused] They busted up the wrong house. They went in and blew everyone away. The wrong house! They got the *Wong* house. They got the *Wong* house.
Nick: [watch inscription] Never forget who you are. If you do, you die. Love Nick.
Casey: Sweetheart, there are a lot of things you don't know about me...
Dallas: Tell me, you're not one of those Freudian sub-intellectuals who waste all their time fixating on penis envy.
Dr. Jarvis: Well, sex *is* a prime motivator. I mean, indirectly, I believe sex is behind most of our major thought processes.
Dallas: You think so?
Dr. Jarvis: Absolutely.
Dallas: Do you like pornos?