Adam:
Oh my lucky stars! A Negro!
Eve:
Where are you parked?
Adam:
I came on a bus.
Eve:
Why does that not surprise me.
Adam:
I dunno. Why doesn't that sunrise you?
Eve:
Well, I guess because I'm a little psychic. I have this thing.
Adam:
Oh, that's nice.
Eve:
Yeah, let me guess something. This is your first visit to La-La-Land. You're staying somewhere in Hollywood because like an idiot you thought that would be an exciting place to stay. Am I right so far?
Adam:
So far?
Eve:
Yes, I'm right?
Adam:
Right.
Eve:
I knew it. So anyhow, you get on a bus and before you know it you're stuck in the San Fernando Valley without a clue, which brings us to here. Correct again?
Adam:
Again.
Eve:
Where are you staying? The Holiday Inn.
Adam:
Oh. Yes! Yes! The Holiday Inn. That's exactly right.
Eve:
See, I'm psychic. I mean not completely but pretty much. Pretty good, huh?
Adam:
No, that was amazing!
Eve:
Yeah I know. Thanks.
Adam:
Manners are a way of showing other people we care about them.
Eve:
Now hold on, hold on just a minute! In the first place I do not fall in love with weirdos who I've only known for four or five days!
Troy:
Yes you do.
Eve:
And I don't fall in love with grown men who collect baseball cards!
Troy:
Yes you do.
Eve:
Or pee in their pants when they see the ocean!
Troy:
Yes you do.
Eve:
Or have perfect table manners!
Troy:
You know, I asked him about that. He said, good manners are just a way of showing other people we have respect for them. See, I didn't know that, I thought it was just a way of acting all superior. Oh and you know what else he told me?
Eve:
What?
Troy:
He thinks I'm a gentleman and you're a lady.
Eve:
[
disgusted] Well, consider the source! I don't even know what a lady is.
Troy:
I know, I mean I thought a "gentleman" was somebody that owned horses. But it turns out, his short and simple definition of a lady or a gentleman is, someone who always tries to make sure the people around him or her are as comfortable as possible.
Eve:
Where do you think he got all that information?
Troy:
From the oddest place - his parents. I mean, I don't think I got that memo from mine.
Eve:
Oh, you coward.
Troy:
Gentleman coward.
Calvin:
Would you like a tranquilizer?
Helen:
You have tranquilizers?
Calvin:
I told you, I have everything!
Calvin:
You have a wonderful sense of humor, son, I must say. The acorn does not fall far from the tree.
Adam, Age 11:
What's baseball?
Calvin:
It's a game, son. I can explain it pretty easily. See, there's a pitcher...
Adam, Age 11:
Oh, like a painting.
Calvin:
No, a pitch-er.
Adam, Age 11:
Like one of mom's?
Calvin:
No. There's a man who throws the ball to a man who has a bat.
Adam, Age 11:
Oh! The nocturnal flying mammal?
Adam:
Say, mom?
Helen:
Yes, dear?
Adam:
I was wondering, you know, while I was up there and all, I was thinking, well you know, I was wondering if maybe I could meet a girl? I've been thinking about that a little. Just these last fifteen years or so.
Helen:
Oh Adam, it would be wonderful if you could meet a girl. One who's not a mutant and hopefully comes from Pasadena. Nothing against Valley girls but in my day anyhow girls from Pasadena, I don't know, just always seemed a little bit nicer.
Calvin:
Son. Adam.
Adam:
Yes, Father?
Calvin:
Don't forget: stay out of the adult bookstore.
Adam:
Adult bookstore. Why?
Calvin:
Poison gas. Invisible.
[
Calvin is reassuring his wife on their son's first night away from home]
Calvin:
I just want to say, I think he's going to be fine.
Helen:
Thank you, Calvin, thank you very much.
Calvin:
He's smart!
Helen:
Yes, dear, I know, but he's still such a baby.
Calvin:
He's a man.
Helen:
He's a baby man.
Eve:
Rule number one in North America: no strangers in the car.
Adam:
Well if it will make you feel any better, I don't have a gun.
Eve:
Oh, well that changes everything.
Eve:
So for four thousand dollars, all I have to do is drive you to your hotel?
Adam:
Uh-huh!
Eve:
That's it?
Adam:
Yes.
Eve:
And I don't have to take a physical in your spaceship?
Eve:
Here ya go, one champagne cocktail.
Adam:
Oh, thank you.
Eve:
I thought only hookers drank those things?
Adam:
Well, I know Mom sure likes 'em.
Troy:
[
pointing to Sophie's sizeable breast implants] So, Sophie, when you fly to Paris, do you check these or are they carry-on?
Troy:
Lying can be a very effective dating tool.
Troy:
Eve, a man walks into your life, who's the kindest, most polite, most incredibly rich guy you've ever met...
Eve:
And I have him committed.
Adam:
I think I'm being chased by a psychiatrist.
Soda Jerk:
It happens.
Adam:
[
During his first visit back home] Mom, I think I'm being chased by a Psychiatrist.
Helen:
Oh no!
Calvin:
That happens.
[
Adam has bought rollerblades]
Adam:
Eve, can I skate around your block?
Troy:
[
suggestively] How about it, Eve - can he *skate* around your block?
Eve:
No.
Troy:
Just a few laps.
Adam:
It won't take long.
Eve:
No.
Eve:
[
to Adam, about Troy] He's gay, by the way.
Adam:
[
thinking she means that Troy is happy] Well, good for you!
Adam:
Uh, Eve, this is Adam. Look, I just wanted to thank you for everything you did for me. And I wanted to tell you that I... that uh... that I wish so many good things for you. I wish so hard that all of your dreams come true, and... and that's all I... and that's all.
Eve:
What have you been doing?
Adam:
Watching television... in color.
Eve:
Have you ever had sex before?
Adam:
No.
Eve:
How is that possible?
Eve:
I'm sick of working for that dickhead.
Adam:
What?
Eve:
You know, a walking penis capable of intelligent speech. A dickhead!
Troy:
I love sushi.
Adam:
I love Lucy.
Troy:
Who doesn't? She's hilarious.
Eve:
What kind of wife are you looking for?
Adam:
Oh um, well... one who's not a mutant.
Eve:
[
laughs] No dogs, huh. OK. Cool.
Adam:
And if it's possible, I'd like to marry someone from Pasadena.
Eve:
[
laughs] Um, when do you need her by?
Adam:
Two weeks?
Eve:
Well, I can probably get you laid in two weeks, but to locate a non-mutant wife from Pasadena takes some time.
Adam:
That's what I was afraid of.
Adam:
What do mean you can get me laid?
Eve:
Uh, can we talk about that a little later?
Adam:
Of course.
Eve:
Great.
Eve's Boss at Collectables Store:
[
to Adam and Eve] You guys are gonna have a great time together! Mazel-fucking-tov!
Adam:
The sky!
Child:
I see it mommy!
Adam:
I've never seen anything like it!
[
looks at little girl]
Adam:
or like you!
Eve:
And now I suppose he's trying to make those two dancers feel as comfortable as possible.
Troy:
No. He didn't go home with them.
Eve:
[
Eve gives a happy look to Troy] ... Well.
Troy:
He went home with Sophie.
Eve:
[
screams really loudly] No!
Troy:
Yep.
Eve:
No!
Troy:
She swept him out of the room, whispering little sweet French nothings into his ear.
[
Adam, Eve and Troy are at the club, looking for a girlfriend for Adam. Adam spots a lovely young woman]
Adam:
How about her?
Eve:
No way.
Adam:
No way? Why not? I, I think she's very attractive.
Eve:
Adam! She's got 'bitch' written all over her. You do know what 'bitch' means, don't you?
Adam:
[
nodding] Well, well, yes, I do. I do have a dictionary. But I can't understand for the life of me why you would say that about her. Or why Cliff would say that about *you*!
[
Troy stifles a laugh; Eve glares at him and then at Adam]
[
Adam is rehearsing Troy's advice as he approaches a young woman whom Troy thinks looks "sweet."]
Adam:
Surprising, yet funny.
[
Adam recalls his father's silly joke]
Adam:
Well, I know a duck who bought some lip balm.
Adam:
[
nods to himself] Lie.
[
he approaches Miss Sweet]
Adam:
Hi.
[
she looks him up and down, appraising, but replies disdainfully]
Miss 'Sweet', at Club 40:
Yes?
Adam:
I was wondering if you could help me? I, um...
[
she looks at him with definite disdain]
Adam:
...seem to have lost my Congressional Medal of Honor around here... somewhere.
Miss 'Sweet', at Club 40:
[
bursts into laughter] Now, that's a great one!
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