Blonde Goddess (1982) User Reviews

Fun, tongue-in-cheek porn

[lor_ · 28 November 2011]

It's surprising that no one (before me) has commented on this once-legendary porn title, still readily available on DVD and a theatrical smash once upon a time.

I had seen it in the original run, and re-watching on DVD enjoyed once more the silliness. This is spoof, making fun of RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK and anticipating ROMANCING THE STONE. Joe Sarno followed up with an extremely similar film a year later, HOT STUFF, which did not make the initial impression that GODDESS did.

Susanna Britton stars in the title role, yet another actress "too pretty for porn". Watching her one is struck by the fact that she should be in mainstream films, but who's to complain about her XXX antics? David Messa stars as a cartoonist at a comic book company, a vaguely Marvel/DC wannabe outfit. He keeps dreaming of being the real-life hero of the various adventures he illustrates for the book, and that is the content we watch. He reprised one of his characters, Louisana Smith (hardly any competition for Harrison Ford) in Sarno's HOT STUFF movie.

The action is hot, and besides Britton, a very young Jacqueline Lorians is incredibly alluring in several roles, including a segment shot in black & white for a noir look. Loni Sanders guest stars, but her beauty and erotic talent is not properly used, while it is always a pleasure to see Heather Young in action, also in a smaller role.

Ron Jeremy is quite amusing, doing very familiar shtick including his favorite patter and Fritz Feld impression, oddly cast as a Baron von Richtofen figure in aerial dogfights with our hero. Some of this footage almost elevates the film to "real movie" status, but its end credits' claim of having been shot in France, Mexico and London's "Pinecone Studios" is clearly bogus.

Director Bill Milling made several classics (A SCENT OF HEATHER is likely his best), and this one is not great, but definitely a goodie. I prefer the Sarno followup, but that's just my own personal taste.

Sometime Sweet Susanna

[Nodriesrespect · 8/10 · 22 July 2012]

Becoming "Bill Eagle" for the remainder of his carnally creative career, Bill Milling bid a fond farewell to plot in this transitional title combining the cream of styles old and new. Mixing the narrative density of his "Philip T. Drexler Jr." pictures with the zany humor from the "Dexter Eagle" days for good measure, BLONDE GODDESS fits just as snugly among his lavish legacy of globe-hopping girlie shows inaugurated with 1982's original ALL American GIRLS. Although an occasional starlet might accompany him on the frequent travels necessitated by his "real world" occupation as a high-flying TV producer commuting between the States and Japan, he would basically grab as many stock shots as possible of recognizable tourist traps to be inserted as intricately integrated establishing footage embellishing domestically shot dirty deeds at a later date. Pulling the wool over the public's eyes, he would perpetuate the illusion of international intimacy through clever use of such rapidly going out of style cinema trickery as matte paintings and rear projection. The director's intentional tribute to the affectionately remembered poverty row cinema serials of the '30s and '40s blends beautifully with one of porn's frequent re-visitations of THE SECRET LIFE OF WALTER MITTY.

Male protagonist "Jonathan Ford" a/k/a David Messa who had played his most substantial part in Chris Covino's BLUE JEANS proves a dead ringer for star Richard Pacheco to boot, aping his fumbling aw shucks routine to a T. As long-suffering cartoonist Elmo Smathers, he slaves away dutifully for domineering Dr. Robert Fish (Shaun Costello's regular character thesp Gordon G. Duvall) at the bustling offices of Marble Comics, recently besieged by moral majority maven Frieda Farnsworth (played with more attitude than ability by Misty Regan) who accuses them of slipping an unhealthy dose of sexual suggestion into their drawings. Between Fish barking orders and Frieda carping as the closet case that she is, it's enough to send poor Elmo scurrying off into wishfulfilment daydreams fueled by the company's controversial publications.

Action adventure's up first with Jungle Jane and Louisiana Smith stumbling across a Mayan temple in the Yucatan where Frieda's fantasy incarnation's about to be royally ravished. Titular blonde goddess Amorella (Susanna Britton) appears to express her enslavement to Smith/Smathers's macho posturing just as our hapless hero's brutally yanked out of his blissful reverie. She will continue to pop up in different guises and varying states of undress as each episode draws to a close, always out of reach to the frustrated Elmo (ironically sabotaging his stab at success, even in his own imagination !), Milling building audience anticipation for when his star attraction will eventually put out. Beautiful Britton, née Barbara Peckinpaugh, was a Suze Randall discovery with Hollywood hopes that never reached fruition, allegedly taking her own life as a result. GODDESS contains her only feature film fornicatory footage.

Pleasingly professional WW I plane footage kicks off the freewheeling Flying Aces segment as Elmo's Johnny Yank rises to defend his country from dastardly German Black Baron with Ron Jeremy having a field day mangling the language. He's matched, nay surpassed, by Nicole Scent who practically pole-vaults over the top with a ludicrous Froggy accent even the cast of 'ALLO 'ALLO! might consider a bit much as a French filly eager to do her bit for the war effort. Hamming it up against Ronnie, she leaves poor Jacqueline Lorians as a fellow local lass completely in the lurch. Fortunately, she comes into her own as Girl Friday secretary Sadie to gumshoe Jack Hammer, successfully sending up noir with Chandleresque narration and stylish black and white cinematography courtesy of the mono-moniker-ed "Misha" who was also credited on Bill's IN THE PINK. Mike Filene, probably best remembered as a last minute replacement for Bill Margold, playing the judge in Svetlana's original BAD GIRLS, leaves a solid impression as shady Mr. Big looking to buy the priceless Abu Dhabi Dildo off the conniving Van Horn sisters headed by Loni Sanders as mastermind Millie. The alley group grope with wedded wantons Matt and Tamara West (appearing as a package deal in Beau Janson's WILD INNOCENTS) fairly cooks with a cute twist as Sadie and sister Sue step in to save the day.

It's back to full color with a vengeance when evil alien Megazon (sort of a distaff Darth Vader with a touch of Ming the Merciless grandiloquence) vies for world domination by going toe to toe with Elmo as Tony Steele, construction worker - accounting for the lack of shirt showing off his ripped abdomen - and exobiologist ! Terry Gilliam type animation cleverly covers up the lack of elaborate f/x as Heather Young (a/k/a "Colleen Anderson" and any number of adult aliases), already an industry veteran of almost a decade, awaits rescue from abduction into deep space. Her indoctrination consists of being thrown to the Sapphic savagery of repeat offenders Loni and Nicole, a scene reaching full boil as Young makes way for two incredibly cute if sadly uncredited guys sporting massive Jewfroes, set to that ubiquitous "I like it, I like it a lot" disco ditty anyone familiar with early '80s adult should immediately identify. Heather thanks her savior by 69ing in zero gravity, expanding upon the effect Bill (who had a legitimate background in the field) contributed to Howard Winters's superlative NEON NIGHTS. Cleverly contrived conclusion has Elmo permanently withdrawing into his fantasy state so he can forever be with his enamored Amorella, the tease proving worth the wait.