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Small Soldiers (1998) Poster

Quotes

Archer: Just because you can't see something doesn't mean it isn't there.

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Major Chip Hazard: I love the smell of polyurethane in the morning.

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Major Chip Hazard: You've got a lot of guts. Let's see what they look like.

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Irwin Wayfair: We can't have toys out on the market that may be dangerous.

Larry Benson: How can they be dangerous? Everything on them is standard. The design is standard, the materials are standard... The mechanicals are standard. Even the... Oh.

Irwin Wayfair: What's "Oh"?

Larry Benson: What?

Irwin Wayfair: You just said "Oh."

Larry Benson: No, l said "Oh."

Irwin Wayfair: "Oh" like "Something interesting" or "We're screwed"?

Larry Benson: No. l mean, hey, whoa, oh... Forget the "Oh". l'll go to legal to start on the countersuit.

Irwin Wayfair: The chips! That's the "Oh."! These microprocessing chips. What do they do and where did you get them from?

Larry Benson: They microprocess. And they come from the land of l Saved Your Job.

Irwin Wayfair: [as Irwin checking the origins of the chips in the computer] They were designed for the Defense Department. You put munitions chips in toys?

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Major Chip Hazard: We're not toys, we're action figures!

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Ralph, Clean Room Technician: The chips are a little sensitive to EMP.

Irwin Wayfair: EMP?

Ralph, Clean Room Technician: Electomagnetic Pulse. As in the kind generated by the detonation of a nuclear device? I doubt that the toy industry has become quite that competitive.

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Gwendy Doll: I think I over-plucked my eyebrows!

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[while pulling the X-1000 chip from the deceased Nick Nitro's head]

Major Chip Hazard: A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

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Chip Hazard: Soldiers, no poor sap ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by being all that he can be. Damn the torpedoes, or give me death! Eternal vigilance is the price of duty. And, to the victors go the spoils. So remember: you are the best of the best of the few and the proud. So ask not what your country can do for you, only regret that you have but one life to live! The war against the Gorgonites will be won! Commando Elite, let the first shot be fired! Search out the Gorgonites and frag 'em all!

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Phil Fimple: I think World War II was my favorite war.

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Archer: Greetings. I am Archer, emissary or the Gorgonites.

Alan: Awfully polite for a monster.

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Archer: Alan, friend of Archer, defender of all Gorgonites, Keeper of Encarta...

Alan: "Keeper of Encarta"? You were using my computer? If I find a virus in there you're headed for the microwave!

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Christy Fimple: Sixteen? Where'd they get sixteen from?

Irwin Wayfair: Seven Gorgonites and nine people

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Punch-It: We shouldn't fight, we should hide.

Archer: If we hide, we will still lose. No more hiding.

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Gwendy Doll: Watch out! She's got a baton! It's a Bataan death march!

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Archer: Gorgonites, we must help Alan.

Freakenstein: But if we fight, we would lose.

Freakenstein: Last time we fought, I woke up with AM/FM.

Insaniac: I tell you, war is nuts, and I know what I'm talking about.

Punch-It: We shouldn't fight, we should hide.

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Alan: [Freakenstein and Punch-It are at Alan's computer] What are you looking for?

Freakenstein: Gorgon.

Alan: Well, this is a Central Park.

Freakenstein: The Isle of Gorgon is our homeland.

Punch-It: Will you help us find it?

Alan: I don't think you're gonna find it in here.

Archer: [at Alan's bedroom window] Alan, if Gorgon is not in that window, is it in this one?

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Major Chip Hazard: Are you scared? We're all scared. You'd have to be crazy not to be scared.

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Gil Mars: What are you worried about? They're only toys...

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Archer: What's your name?

Alan: Alan. Now shut up!

Archer: Greetings, Alan now shut up.

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Gwendy Doll: All my makeup is cruelty free!

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Chip Hazard: Nick Nitro's battery has run out, but his memory lives on.

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Major Chip Hazard: It's a small world after all.

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Chip Hazard: We are the Commando Elite. Everything else is just a toy!

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Gwendy Doll: If you can't accessorize, pulverize!

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Chip Hazard: His battery has run out but his memory will keep going, and going, and going.

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Major Chip Hazard: Damn the torpedoes, or give me death.

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Gil Mars: Excuse me, did you say "learn"?

Irwin Wayfair: [stuttering] Learn, learn... yeah

Gil Mars: ...Next.

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Major Chip Hazard: If it lacerates or detonates, I want it mobile and I want it lethal.

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Major Chip Hazard: An officer and a gentleman does not strike a lady!

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Alan: Damn potholes.

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Gwendy Doll: Let's see if her head pops off!

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Joe: So what's the seminar your dad's goin' to?

Alan: "How to Make a Success of Your Small Buisness." My suggestion was torch the place.

Joe: Not a good idea. Arson forensics nowadays is very sophisticated.

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Christy Fimple: Any sign of the Gorgonites?

Alan: No, none of them.

Phil Fimple: [calling off shot] Come on Christy!

Christy Fimple: [kisses Alan on cheek] I gotta go.

[Alan grabs her and kisses her overdramatically]

Gil Mars: [getting into helicopter, looking at wreckage] Too bad, would've made a hell of a commercial.

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Larry Benson: Great! All we need now is a nuclear warhead.

Irwin Wayfair: l doubt l'll have one in the junk drawer.

Phil Fimple: Nuclear warhead? What are you talking about?

Larry Benson: The chips aren't shielded against an EMP. A nuclear blast would wipe them out.

Irwin Wayfair: That's why the military never used them.

Stuart Abernathy: What kind of moron would put military technology in toys?

Irwin Wayfair: [pointing at Larry] Well that would be Gizmo over here.

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Timmy Fimple: So when am I going to get the Major Chip Hazard figure?

Christy Fimple: Never, if you don't shut up.

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Major Chip Hazard: There will be no mercy.

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Gil Mars: Now these guys are soldiers, right? And what do soldiers need?

Irwin Wayfair: Hats?

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Stuart Abernathy: I'm gonna find a way to stop these guys before my wife gets tennis elbow.

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Chip Hazard: We have met the enemy, and he is you.

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Major Chip Hazard: Yo maggot! An officer and a gentlemen does not strike a lady.

Brad: What?

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Christy Fimple: You rescued me!

[Grabs Alan and gives him a passionate kiss]

Alan: Anytime

[Christy grabs Alan and gives him another passionate kiss]

Christy Fimple: Lets go get those creeps!

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[first lines]

Irwin Wayfair: He's here! He's early! He's not supposed to be here now. He said... okay, here's the copy of... check.

Larry Benson: Pretty exciting, huh?

Irwin Wayfair: I don't know. I think it's kinda sad, I mean you know Heartland Toys has a long tradition of bringing joy to kids, ya know? Gil Mars isn't going to care about any of that. He's just gonna care about profits. I think it sucks.

Larry Benson: Welcome to Earth, Irwin. You may not be familiar with our company, but this is pretty much the way things work down here in the real world.

Irwin Wayfair: Yeah, well the real world sucks.

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Archer: Major Chip Hazard.

Major Chip Hazard: Gorgonite scum!

Archer: Leave Alan alone. Your fight is with me.

Major Chip Hazard: You've got a lot of guts. Let's see what they look like.

[stabs Archer in the knee]

Archer: They're wires and metal, the same as yours.

[pulls knife out and attacks Chip, who grabs Archer]

Major Chip Hazard: We're nothing alike. You are programmed to lose!

[kicks Archer a few times]

Archer: I'm also programmed to learn.

Major Chip Hazard: Too bad you never learned to win. School's out, loser. Hyah!

[kicks Archer off the pole]

Major Chip Hazard: Victory is ours!

Alan: Have I got a shock for you.

[grabs Chip]

Alan: You stupid toy!

[jams Chip into the transformer, electrocuting him]

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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