South Park (1997– )
Man #1: [after a crowd tramples Kenny] Oh my God, I found a penny.
Man #2: You bastard.
Tweek: But what if I'm trying to put on the nose, the snowman comes alive and tries to kill me?
Stan: Tweek, when has that ever happened, except for that one time?
Kyle: We're guys, dude. We find something about all our friends to rip on. We made fun of you for being rich for the same reason we rip on Butters for being wimpy.
Stan: And we rip on Kyle for being a Jew.
Kyle: And Stan for being in love with Wendy. And Cartman for being fat. And Cartman for being stupid. And Cartman for having a whore for a mom. And Cartman for being a sadistic asshole.
Cartman: Hey. You did me already.
Stan: [with a sigh, calmly] Oh, my God, we killed Kenny.
Kyle: [shouts] We killed Kenny?
Stan: Yup. We're bastards.
Stan: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.
Mrs. Crabtree: [shouting] What did you say?
Stan: I said, "We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch."
Mrs. Crabtree: Oh.
Kyle: Whoa, dude.
Stan: I always wondered if that would work.
Eric Cartman: I'm not fat, I just haven't grown into my body yet you skinny bitch.
Mr. Garrison: Eric. If you call Wendy a bitch one more time I'm sending you to the principal's office.
Eric Cartman: Bitch.
Mr. Garrison: That's it Eric, you...
Eric Cartman: I'm going.
Kenny: Mmmmf mmmf mmmmmf mmmmmmm mmmmf mmmmf mmmmmmmmf mmmf.
Stan: Totally, dude.
Kyle: Good point, man.
Eric Cartman: Oh, the tears of unfathomable sadness! Yummy!
Cartman: Why don't we all sing, "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch" in D-minor?
Cartman: Don't worry, Tweek. Your family can go on welfare. Kenny's family's on welfare and they're happy, isn't that right, Kenny?
Kenny: [muffled] Fuck you.
Stan: Oh my god. Jay Leno's chin killed Kenny.
Kyle: You bastard.
Jay Leno: Ah, who cares? He dies every episode.
Cartman: Kenny's family is so poor, they had to put their cardboard box up for a second mortgage.
Stan: Jimmy, will you go talk to Wendy for me?
Jimmy: F-F-for wh-what?
Stan: Just go talk to her, and be poetic. Tell her she's my muse. No, tell her... tell her... she's a continuing source of inspiration to me.
Jimmy: She's what?
Stan: She's a continuing source of inspiration to me.
Jimmy: Okay. Hey, W- Hey, Wendy.
Jimmy: Stan says you're a cont... you're a cont... Stan says you're a cont- cont...
[sounds like "cunt"]
Wendy: Well, tell Stan to stop!
Jimmy: [continues] ... cont... You're a continuing source of inspiration to him.
Garrison: You go to hell. You go to hell and you die.
Fat Abbot: Hey! Hey! Hey! What's goin' on Rudy?
Rudy: Man, Fat Abbot, you need to lose weight!
Fat Abbot: I lose weight when I feel like it, bitch! Shut your bitch-ass mouth, ho!
Rudy: Bitch, I'll kick yo' ass!
Fat Abbot: You think you slick, you punk ass blasphemous dope fiend bitch! I had my jimmy whacked 7 times last week, I'll bust a cap in your mother fuckin' ass.
Priest Maxi: Boys, I haven't seen you in church lately.
Kyle: Well, I'm Jewish.
Priest Maxi: You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?
Kyle: I guess not.
Cartman: Naw dude, independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.
Newscaster Ned: If irony was made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.
MTV announcer: You're watching MTV, the cool, brainwashing, 12-year-old-and-younger station that hides behind a slick image. We're so cool that we decide what's cool. And now MTV News. The News that is single-handedly dumbing-down our country, which is cool.
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [Butters is holding a Barbie doll] "Hey there, Butters, wanna slap my titties around?" Uh, no thanks, ma'am. I might get in trouble again.
[he puts the doll away and begins whistling]
Butters: I don't want to do it if it hurts or if it makes you get all sticky.
[gay and straight protesters get a hearing from the Governor of South Park on gay marriage]
Governor: I believe that I might have come up with a compromise to this whole problem that will make everyone happy! People in the gay community want the same rights as married couples, but dissenters don't want the word "marriage" corrupted. So how about we let gay people get married, but call it something else?
[everyone listens quietly]
Governor: You homosexuals will have all the exact same rights as married couples, but, instead of referring to you as "married", you can be... butt buddies.
Governor: Instead of being "man and wife", you'll be... butt buddies. You won't be "betrothed", you'll be...
[makes quote with his fingers]
Governor: ... butt buddies. Get it? Instead of a "bride and groom", you'd be...
[makes quote with his fingers again]
Governor: ... butt buddies.
Mr. Slave: We wanna be treated equally!
Governor: You *are* equal. It's just that, instead of getting engaged, you would be... butt buddies. And everyone is happy!
Woman: [from the lesbian crowd] Well, what about lesbians?
Governor: Well, like anyone cares about fuckin' dykes!
[the crowd goes into an uproar]
Governor: [embarrassed] Oh, God, I was sure that would work.
Cartman: You so much as TOUCH kitty's ass, and I'll put a firecracker in your nutsack and blow your balls all over your pants.
Stan: Jesus, Cartman.
Cartman: Well, I'm just sayn', man, seriously, don't mess with kitty, man.
Cartman: Butters, remind me to cut your balls off later.
Mrs. Marsh: Hello, Mrs. Brovlowski, this is Stan's mom. I was wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick.
Stan: Aaaah. I have to get it out.
City Wok Owner: Welcome to Shitty Wok!
[meant as City Wok]
Cartman: Well God, I guess you got me again, didn't you? Yeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard.
Cartman: ...my mom lied to me just like your parents lied to you and now where poor like Kenny's family
[Kenny walks over to comfort Cartman]
Cartman: Don't touch me Kenny.
Mr. Garrison: Don't lie, Stan. Lying makes you sterile.
Kyle: Cartman, that's the dumbest thing you've ever said... this week.
KKK Leader: White power! White power!
Mr. Garrison: [as Mr. Hat] White power!
[as Mr. Garrison]
Mr. Garrison: Oh, I'm sorry, Chef, Mr. Hat is a racist son of a bitch.
[as Mr. Hat]
Mr. Garrison: Don't apologize for me to that spear chucker.
[as Mr. Garrison; gasps]
Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat!
Mr. Garrison: Aaah!
Priest: They crucified Our Lord and Savior. If you don't go to hell for crucifying Our Savior, then what the hell DO you go to hell for?
Stan: Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
Jimmy: Knock, knock.
Cartman: Who's there?
Jimmy: Interrupting cow.
Cartman: Interrupting cow wh...
Jimmy: [interrupting] Mooo!
Cartman: I have never in my life done anything just for the money! If I'm lying may the Lord strike me down right now!
Butters: Uh oh.
[He slowly backs away from Cartman in fear]
Eric Cartman: [Cartman tries to get invited to the girls' party]
[in a false girl's voice]
Eric Cartman: "Oooh, there's Cartman, we should invite him to the party for sure... "
Eric Cartman: Fuck you, May, fuck you, Annie, fuck you, BeBe, fuck you, whatever your name is, and fuck you, bitch!
Cartman: The rest of you go get the goods on Stan. His mom grounded him once for setting something on fire. Let's find out what that something was and then lie and say it was a puppy.
Mr. Slave: Oh. I never should have shoved all those poor animals up my ass.
[walking up to a crucified Cartman]
Officer Barbrady: T. T is for turtle.
Chef: James Taylor, what the hell are you doing singing about prostitutes to these children? Get outta here!
Eric Cartman: [after Bebe gets boobs] Well, fuck you, Stan, fuck you, Kyle, and
Eric Cartman: fucky you, Kenny! Bebe, you're still cool!
Kyle: All animals kill, and the animals that don't kill are stupid ones like cows and turtles and stuff.
Mr. Slave: Kids, let's keep it down for study group, or else Mr. Garrison is going to punish me.
Mark Costwold: And, papa, I know you have tried to keep your daughter away from anything sexual, but look at her now: she's a goddamn whore.
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Yeah, I could use some goddamn poontang, myself, right now.
Mrs Crabtree: Hurry up! We're running late.
Stan: Ahh we're always running late, you fat hog.
Mrs Crabtree: What did you say?
Stan: I wish I could go to Prauge!
Mrs Crabtree: Yeah. Me too.
Butters: This is just like Vietnam, huh fellas? Whoopee!
Cartman: Butters, what the hell are you doing?
Eric Cartman: Come on Kyle. Just because your mom is a bitch doesn't mean that we all have to suffer.
[the boys are outside building a snowman]
Stan: I have a button we can use for his nose.
Kyle: What would we use a marble-sack for?
Fat Abbott: Hey, hey, what's shakin' Rudy?
Rudy: Man, Fat Abbott. You need to lose weight.
Fat Abbott: I lose weight when I feel like it bitch. Shut your bitch ass mouth, ho.
Stan: Guys, we have no choice. We're gonna have to move away. Environmental activists don't use logic or reason.
Cartman: Oh, look what I did with Kyle's money. I had it changed into singles so I could roll around in it like this. Oh, Kyle's money.
Fat Abbot: Hey, hey, hey, what's goin' down, y'all?
Rudy: Man, Fat Abbot, what you doin' on this side of the hood?
Fat Abbot: You know something, Rudy, you're like school in summer time.
Rudy: School in summertime?
Fat Abbot: Yeah, bitch, school in summertime. Open up your fucking ears, you fucking ho or I'll pop your bitch ass.
Mushmouth: I'm-a pop-a you-a bitch-a ass-a too-ba, Bitch-a.
Cartman: OK, that's enough fat-ass jokes for this week.
Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: Everything is back to normal. I-I think... I think I can go back to trying to destroy the world again.
Mr. Garrison: Well, damn it, Eric, don't you have some smart-ass thing to say?
Mr. Garrison: You little turds, you ruined my life for the last time
Mr. Garrison: What do you think, Mr. Marsh? You ready to put a down payment on that baby?
Randy Marsh: Well yeah, but I just had one question about how it works. Well, it seems all the buttons on these front and rear flexi-grips are also found on the side of the vehicle.
Mr. Garrison: Yep.
Randy Marsh: So, they don't really do anything.
Mr. Garrison: Right.
Randy Marsh: So then, couldn't I just order one that works without going in and out of my ass and mouth?
Mr. Garrison: [pause] ... Well, I guess you could.
Customers: Huh? What's that? What'd he say?
Phillip: [Terrance and Phillip are in Halloween costumes, and Terrance farts] That fart was absolutely GHOULISH Terrance.
Cartman: The wrong bus home and ended up in Rancho de Burritos Rojos, south of Castle Rock, and finally got a ride home with a man who was missing his left index finger, named Gary Bushwell, arriving home at 11:46.
Stan Marsh: This is hopeless. We're just going to have to face that the commercialism has been sucked out of Christmas.
Mr. Garrison: Anyway, children, as I was saying, the Hare Krishna's are totally gay.
Cartman: Oh, Kyle, you just made a huge withdrawal at the First Bank of Lies.