Agent J: You don't remember me, but we used to work together...
Kevin Brown/K: I never worked in a funeral home.
[about the driver-shaped airbag]
Kevin Brown/K: Does that come standard?
Agent J: Actually it came with a black dude, but he kept getting pulled over.
Agent J: Look, I know you're a little scared. And I'm gonna keep it real with you, I'm a little scared too.
Kevin Brown/K: I'm not scared.
Agent J: Me neither. I just thought we was bonding.
Agent J: Wait, what are you doing?
Kevin Brown/K: I always do the driving.
Agent J: Oh, no...
Kevin Brown/K: I remember that.
Agent J: No, what you remember is that you used to drive that old busted jawn. See, I drive the new hotness.
[pointing at Kay]
Agent J: Old and busted.
[pointing at himself]
Agent J: New hotness.
[Kay looks at Jay for a second, then J hands the keys over]
Agent J: Old, busted hotness...
Kevin Brown/K: Why don't you go get me some coffee?
Agent J: Oh, yeah sure, How do ya take it? Black? Couple cubes of kiss-my-ass?
Frank the Pug: [Frank sings "I Will Survive"] And now you're back from outer space, / I just walked in to find you here with that sad look upon your face, / I should've changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key, / If I'd have known for just one second you'd be back to bother me. / Go on, now go! Walk out the door...
Agent J: Frank! Move your head inside this window, before I roll it up in there.
Frank the Pug: [Sits further away from the window] Got it!
[Starts humming "I Will Survive" melody again, looking anxiously out the window]
Agent J: [shouts] Frank!
Agent J: Could I have your attention, please?
[Neuralyzes the crowd]
Agent J: Thank you for participating in our drill. Had this been an actual emergency, y'all would have been EATEN. 'Cause you don't listen! You're ignorant! How's a man gonna come crashin' through the back of a subway win - that's the problem with all y'all New Yorkers! "Oh no, we've seen it all!" "Oh no, a 600 foot worm, save us Mr. Black Man!" I ask you nicely to move forward to the next car, y'all just sit there like...
[Gathers himself and Neuralyzes the crowd again]
Agent J: The City of New York would like to thank you for participating in our drill. Hopefully you enjoyed our smaller, more energy-efficient subway cars. Watch your step, you all have a nice evening.
[He leaves, neuralyzing Larry in the driver's seat on his way]
Agent J: Kid? While you were off licking stamps I saved the world from a Crelon invasion.
Kevin Brown/K: The Crelons are the Backstreet Boys of the universe. What'd they do, throw snowballs at you?
Worms: Once you've had worm, it's what you'll yearn!
Agent J: Ahahahaha!
Agent J: [to Laura] They're just, you know...
[makes a blabbermouth gesture with his hand]
Laura: I've dated worse...
Serleena: Silly little planet. Anyone could take over the place with the right set of mammary glands.
Creepy: Hey, pretty lady.
Creepy: You taste good.
Serleena: [eats him whole] Yeah, you too.
Jeebs: If I could have your attention while we go over the safety procedures. Please keep your arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times, and if at any point you become disoriented, there's nothin' we can do about it.
Jeebs: Now, have you removed all of your jewellery?
[K stares at him, saying nothing]
Jeebs: Are you allergic to shellfish?
Agent J: Jeebs!
Jeebs: Right then! Smoke 'em if you got 'em!
[Jeebs turns on and sets up his equipment]
Agent J: You ever used this thing before?
Jeebs: I used the exhaust once to make some hot-air popcorn, that's about it.
[K turns his head to look at Jeebs, startled]
Jeebs: OK! Let's make it happen, Cap'n!
Agent J: How ya' feelin'?
Kevin Brown/K: Goodbye...
Agent J: K!
Jeebs: K, wait! I never got the updated software!
Jeebs: Still workin' off the 6.0...
Jeebs: Your brain needs to reboot!
Agent J: Whoo! Flushed! Yeah, man, back when you was an agent, you used to love gettin' flushed. Yeah, every Saturday night, you'd be like "flush me, J! Flush me!" and I'd be like "Naw... " You can't quit on me now, K.
Kevin Brown/K: I save to world, you tell me why I stare at the stars.
Agent J: Cool.
Ben: You want some mini-pizzas? It's just... mini-bagels with pizza stuff on them. You want some cheese on them? She can put a little Fontina on it. She has Palsy and ends up putting a whole lot on...
[J and K stare at Ben]
Ben: [calling to his mother] No, thanks, we're cool!
Agent J: Sweet dreams, big boy!
[jabs the tranquilizer into Jeff, only aggravating him. After a few moments time, J reloads the tranquilizer]
Agent J: Whoo! Sweet...
[is launched forward]
Agent J: dreeeeeeaaaaaaams...
Agent J: [crashes through back window of a subway car] ... big boy. Transit authority people! Please move to the forward car, we got a bug in the electrical system!
[passengers ignore him]
Agent J: Yo! People! We got a bug in the electrical system!
[Jeff bites off a large portion of the subway car, and the passengers start running to the front]
Agent J: Yeah, now y'all runnin'! Now y'all- no, no, no, come on, sit down, sit down! It's only a 600 foot worm!
Agent J: [points to Frank] No!, No advice...
Agent J: [points to Kevin Brown, Agent K] No talking...
Agent J: [points to Zed] ... Hell no!
Agent J: Worms! Give me some cover fire!
Worm: Too scared, can't move!
[as Jeff devours the commuter train from one end, the passengers crowd at the head of the train in panic. The conductor comes out]
Captain Larry Bridgewater, The Motorman: You people clear out of here before I start knocking heads together!
Agent J: You get back in that cabin, and you put the hammer down on this thing!
Captain Larry Bridgewater, The Motorman: I'm Captain Larry Bridgewater, and I decide what happens on this train.
Agent J: Oh, you decide? Okay, come on...
[J steers Larry to the rear of the crowd, and points]
Agent J: Larry, this my man Jeff.
[Jeff takes another huge bite out of the back of the train]
Captain Larry Bridgewater, The Motorman: Larry just made a decision.
Agent J: Yeah, Larry needs to get his ass back in that cabin!
Kevin Brown/K: You're standing between me and my memories, pal. Now you have this deneuralyzer thing or not?
Jeebs: Mmm, no. Fresh out.
[J and K stare at him]
Jeebs: Can't help you.
[They continue staring]
Jeebs: Don't got it...
[J and K continue to stare. Jeebs cracks]
Jeebs: Even if I did... If it doesn't work, K dies, you blow my head off! If it does work, I brought back K who, just for the fun of it, blows my head off! Sooo, what's MY incentive?
[K points his gun at Jeebs' head]
Jeebs: [weak laugh] Okay homey, I keep it right downstairs next to the snowblower.
[K smiles, satisfied]
Zed: You didn't neuralize another one?
Agent J: What's that supposed to mean? Okay, you can't count A, and L really wanted to go back to that morgue...
Frank the Pug: D'ya tell the girl you love her?
Agent J: Hey, man, she's a witness to a crime, that's it.
Frank the Pug: Yada, yada, you're attracted. She's not even my species, and I'm attracted.
[after K shoots Jeebs in the head]
Agent J: You're back.
Kevin Brown/K: No.
Agent J: Then how did you know that his head would grow back?
Kevin Brown/K: [surprised] It grows back?
Undercover alien intelligence officer: Hello? Z? I could be Agent M!
Agent J: Jarra, you are under arrest for being that ugly, and for making that many copies!
Newton: A neuralize...
[Agent J neuralizes Newton]
Agent J: Ok. First, get some contact lenses, cause those jaunts look like they could pick up cable. Second, take her to Cambodia, get her a lobster dinner. Pay more than a dollar. Third, the second y'all get back from Cambodia, move your bum ass outta your mom's house. Boy, you like forty years old.
Kevin Brown/K: Agent J?
Agent J: Aight! Oh, and there ain't no such thing as aliens or Men in Black.
Newton: Hey, Mom?
[Newton picks up a shovel]
Newton: Guys, before we start the tape, one more thing - what's up with anal probing? I mean, do they really come billions of light years just to...
Agent J: Boy, MOVE!
Agent J: Am I supposed to take advice on love from a dude that chases his own ass?
Frank the Pug: Easy, pal. That's canine profiling, and I resent it.
[Agents J and T have dinner at a restaurant]
Agent T: Oh, good pie!
Agent J: Oh, yeah.
[T starts crying]
Agent J: What's wrong, man? The pie not good?
Agent T: You're gonna neuralyze me!
Agent J: No...
Agent T: Yes! You brought me to a public place so I wouldn't make a scene!
Agent J: You ARE making a scene!
Frank the Pug: How about we do the good cop, bad cop routine? You can interrogate the witness, and I growl. Grrrrr...
Agent J: Aww, naw wait, how about we do the good cop, dumb dog thing, and you just shut up?
Agent J: I need a containment crew at the subway station at 81st Street. Revoke Jeff's movement privileges immediately. Have a team escort him back to the subway. And would someone PLEASE check the expiration date on the Unipod worm tranquilizers?
[Jay neuralyzes Agent T]
Agent J: Get married, have a bunch of kids.
Agent T: Okay.
Agent J: [to a waitress on his way out] Hey, listen. My buddy's kind of shy, but he thinks you are HOT.
MIB Customs Agent: Purpose of visit?
Serleena: Education. I really want to learn how to be an underwear model. They say I've got real potential.
Scrad: Got NOTHIN' out of him, now we don't know if it's on Earth or not!
Serleena: He said "third planet", it's here, you idiot!
Charlie: [whispers] Third Rock From the Sun.
Scrad: I never got that till now!
[to an agent who laughs at him]
Frank the Pug: Got kids?
Frank the Pug: Want 'em?
[bares his teeth, attacks the agent]
[after Jay shows Kevin/Kay that every other employee in the post office is an alien]
Kevin Brown/K: The wife and I went to Vegas and saw Siegfried and Roy make a pair of white tigers fly around the room. Your act's nothing special, slick.
Jarra: They caught me siphoning ozone from their atmosphere to sell on the black market. They're very touchy about this global warming thing.
Jarra: Hello, Jay. Been a long time.
Agent J: Jarra! Hey, man, you look great! What's it been? Five years?
Jarra: And forty-two days, thanks to you. You count every one when you're locked away like a primate.
Worms: K, you're back, they told us you were dead, you look good!
[Frank is wearing his very own MIB suit]
Frank the Pug: J! Wait up! I appreciate this shot man. Thought I'd never get out of that mailroom.
Agent J: Lose the suit!
Frank the Pug: Sure thing partner. No problemo. Just going for the look. But if I say so myself, I do find the overall effect very slimming!
Agent J: Would somebody PLEASE explain to me why I have a dead Tricranosloth going through Passport Control?
MIB Autopsy Agent: That would be my fault, sir. I'm very sorry, sir. Please don't neuralize me, sir!
Agent J: Wha' the hell's that supposed to mean?
[J takes Kevin/K into the Deneuralizer room]
Agent J: The Deneuralizer. In a few moments, transverse magneto energy will surge through your brain, unlocking information hidden deep and dormant that could hold the key to Earth's very survival.
Kevin Brown/K: Okay.
[pointing at the deneuralizer]
Kevin Brown/K: What's that thing?
[at passport control]
MIB Customs Agent: Any fruit or vegetables?
Serleena: [motioning towards Scrad] Yeah, two heads of cabbage.
[in the midst of alien fight, K repeatedly kicks an alien in the crotch but nothing happens]
Agent J: K, he's a Balchinian!
Agent K: Oh.
[kicks the alien in the chin]
[J tangles with Serleena's tentacles]
Agent J: I'm about to lay the smackdown on your candy-ass!
Grand Central Station Locker Creatures: K is back! The keeper of the light! All hail K! All hail K! Oh K can you see by the dawn's early light...
Newton's Mother: [from downstairs] Newton! What are you doing up there?
Newton: I'm up in my room with some friends, Mom!
Hailey: I want to have your baby.
[J blows Jeebs's head off]
Jack Jeebs: Oh, great, right in the pie-hole... now nothing's gonna taste right!
Agent J: Stay!
Frank the Pug: Listen, partner. I may look like a dog, but I only play one here on Earth.
Agent J: OK, wipe your mouth.
Agent J: [Jay is hiding Laura at the Worms' place] Here's my communicator. You'll be safe here.
Worms: [Laura kisses Jay] Whooooh!
Agent J: Uh... just... watch out for Neeble.
Laura: Which one's Neeble?
Agent J: Um... err... which one o' y'all's Neeble?
Neeble: Yo, mama!
Agent J: Ah, there ya go. And... uh... don't fall asleep.
Newton: [to Hailey] There's a huge rat in the toilet, it's all stopped up so you're gonna have to pee in the sink...
[spots agents J & K]
Newton: Gentlemen! Seen any... aliens lately?
Agent K: Son, you need professional help.
Hailey: He's getting it, it's not working.
Agent K: You did not see a room full of shiny weapons, you did not see four alien night crawlers. You will love and cherish each other for the rest of your life.
Agent J: Which could be the next 27 or 28 minutes, so y'all should get to lovin' and cherishin'. Oh, and she gets to stay up as late as she wants and have candy and cookies and cake and junk and stuff...
[K is taking potshots at Jeff using small Pistol-like weapon]
Agent J: Might I suggest a bigger gun?
MIB Guard: [Agent J enters MIB Headquarters] Don't you ever go home?
Agent J: Nope!
MIB Guard: I see you neuralized another partner.
MIB Guard: It's about time you guys got here. That pretty lady in there is causing all kinds of hell.
Agent J: Jeff, don't make me have to do this!
[aims his gun at Jeff the worm]
Agent J: [in J's locker] All hail J! All hail J!
Agent J: Why did you put them rats in my locker, man?
Agent K: I thought it would put things in perspective for you.
Agent J: No, K, it's actually kind of sad, really. We need to let them out of there. I mean, they need to know that the world is bigger than that.
Agent K: Still a rookie.
[Kicks open a door to a room filled with gigantic aliens]
Kevin Brown/K: We are who we are... even if we sometimes forget it.
Cockroach: [after K was going to step on him but didn't] Damn decent of you.
Serleena: Oh, yummy. Somebody I need to eat.
[the deneuralizer has just ejected K and thrown him across the room]
Agent Kay: When you get sad it always seems to rain.
Laura: Lots of people get sad when it rains!
Agent Kay: It rains because you're sad baby.
Agent J: [knocks an alien's face off] And you look like crap!
[sees other alien laughing at J's joke]
Agent J: I take that back... HE looks like crap.
Agent J: [Looking at the picture of K and the pizza guy] You're pointing at something.
Agent J: That astronaut.
[Goes to the astronaut picture]
Agent J: He like, he like.
[Goes to the ovens, seeing pizza boxes stacked like a diamond shape]
Agent J: Who would stack pizza boxes like this, its a pizza box stacker who's not stacking pizza boxes. He's leaving clues, it's an arrow.
Agent K: [notices a key hanging where the picture points] Um, J...?
Agent J: You're slowing me down slick! Whatever we're looking for is in these cabinets!
[Opens up the cabinets and takes out a thing of anchovies]
Agent J: Anchovy fillets in virgin olive oil!
[Looks at the can of anchovies dubiously]
Agent K: [takes key] I hope I'm not slowing you down, partner...
Agent J: Just about everybody who works in this post office is an alien.
[Opens up the aail sorter, revealing that there is an alien with a cigarette sorting the mail inside]
Kevin Brown/K: [takes the cigarette out of the alien's mouth] No smoking!
[the alien puts another cigarette in his mouth and continues to sort the mail]
Undercover alien intelligence officer: Zed, the Drolecks are gone and the treaty is signed.
Zed: Good work!
Undercover alien intelligence officer: Zed, what about that position you promised me in Men In Black?
Zed: Still working on the Alien Affirmative Action Program. I'll keep you posted.
Undercover alien intelligence officer: Wait a minute! That's not what you promised me!
Zed: You're breaking up, can't hear you.
Undercover alien intelligence officer: Zed! Hello? Zed?
Zed: I'll call you back...
[starts walking away]
Undercover alien intelligence officer: I could be Agent M!
Kevin Brown/K: How ya doing?
Agent J: Good.
Kevin Brown/K: Listen, we've all been there. The girl is gone and it hurts. Wanna talk about it?
Agent J: No.
Kevin Brown/K: I can help.
Agent J: No.
Zed: [walks into the room] Still sulking?
Kevin Brown/K: [at the same time as J] Yeah.
Agent J: [at the same time as K] No.
Zed: You miss her, it happens to all of us. There was this young, hot thing I knew once. When our bodies were intwined, in the positions of the Kamasutra...
Agent J: Zed!
[Grins and chuckles]
Agent J: Come on, man! Damn!
Frank the Pug: [walks in] I'll tell you about dames. They say they wanna be scratched behind the ears, but what they REALLY want is...
Agent J: Hey! Come on...
Frank the Pug: What? Still sitting shiva? Want my advice?
Agent J: No.
Agent J: No advice...
Agent J: [to K] ... no talking...
Kevin Brown/K: [shows a self-portrait with a UFO in the background] Look at that, weird huh?
Agent J: [hands it back] Yeah, you're smiling.
Serleena: [about Z] Oh, so feisty!
Agent K: [to Laura] You're just as beautiful as your mother...
Agent J: So Laura is Princess Laurana's daughter...
[looks at Agent K]
Agent J: Did y'all...
Agent K: MiB's a mess. Come on, let's go.
Mysteries in History Narrator: Mysteries in History with your host, Peter Graves!
Peter Graves: Although no one has ever been able to prove their existence, a quasi-government agency known as the Men in Black supposedly carries out secret operations here on Earth in order to keep us safe from aliens throughout the galaxies. Here is one of their stories that never happened, from one of their files that doesn't exist...
Agent K: I should've vaporized you when I had the chance.
Serleena: You really did love Laurana, didn't you K? You silly little man...
[licks his ear and sticks a tentacle down it]
Serleena: You lost, you insignificant little speck! You wasted 20 years of my time, and for what? The complete destruction of the Zarthas, all because you went mushy!
Agent K: I'm giving you one last chance to surrender, you slimy Kylothian invertebrate.
Serleena: Oh, what are you gonna do?
Agent K: Not me, him...
Agent J: [behind Serleena] Your flight's been cancelled!
Laura: An hour ago, a man I've known my whole life vanished in front of my eyes because of a woman with things coming out of her fingers and a two-headed guy with the IQ of a cannoli. So yeah, everything's okay.
Serleena: Oops... teeth!
[gets eaten by Jeff]
[Jeff the worm breaks out of the subway as J is having an emotional moment]
Agent J: Jeff, I am SO not in a mood for you! Get back in the subway! Right now!
[Serleena explodes out of Jeff's body]
Agent K: That's not good...
Agent J: Why did you join MiB?
Agent T: Six years in the Marines. Love to serve, love the action.
Agent J: You wanted to play hero. Well, you joined the wrong organization. You ever hear of James Edwards?
Agent T: No.
Agent J: Well, he saved the lives of fifteen people tonight. But nobody knows he exists. And if nobody knows he exists, how can anybody love him?
Laura: When we're kids, before we're taught how to think or what to believe, our hearts tell us there is something else out there. I know what I saw. You tell me what I'm supposed to believe.
Agent J: [to K] You never sent it off the planet. It's still here.
Agent J: So what was it like on the outside?
Agent K: It was nice. Sleep late on the weekends, watch the Weather Channel.
Agent Kay: [goes to squish a cockroach, but hesitates]
Cockroach: Damn decent of you.
Agent Kay: [beat] Don't mention it...