The Wedding Singer (1998)
Robbie: [singing] I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad / Carry you around when your arthritis is bad / All I wanna do is grow old with you. / I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches / build you a fire if the furnace breaks / Oh it could be so nice, growin old with you. / I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold. / Need you, feed you, I'll even let you hold the remote control. / So let me do the dishes in the kitchen sink / Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink. / Oh I could be the man to grow old with you. / I wanna grow old with you.
Robbie: [Linda shows up for the first time after failing to marry him] You're late.
Linda: [sighs] I'm sorry... I just couldn't do it.
Robbie: Well, if you need more time, I guess I could wait.
Linda: No... I don't need more time, Robbie. I don't ever want to marry you.
Robbie: [takes a deep breath, sighs] Gee, you know that information... really would've been more useful to me *yesterday.*
Linda: I've been talking with my friends the last few days...
Robbie: Oh, boy, here it comes.
Linda: ...and I think I've figured out what's been bothering me. I'm not in love with Robbie, now. I'm in love with Robbie, six years ago. Robbie, the lead singer of Final Warning; I used to come watch you when you were in your silk shirt and Spandex pants, and you would sing into the microphone like you were David Lee Roth.
Robbie: I've still got the Spandex; I'll put 'em on right now.
Linda: The point is, I woke up this morning and realized I'm about to get married to a wedding singer? I am never gonna leave Richfield!
Robbie: Why do you need to leave Richfield? We grew up here. All our friends are here; it's the perfect place to raise a family.
Linda: Oh, yeah - sure! Living in your sister's basement with five kids while you're off every weekends doing wedding gigs at a whoppin' sixty bucks a pop?
Robbie: Once again, things that could've been brought to my attention YESTERDAY!
Glenn: [after punching Robbie] You know, you should write a song about this. You could call it "I got punched in the nose for sticking my face in other people's business".
[he and his friends walk off laughing]
Old man in bar: Sounds like a country song!
Old Man in Bar: They rip your heart out of your ass!
Rosie: Are you nervous?
Robbie: I'm actually not that nervous. I've been around lots of weddings before, so I figure it won't be very different.
Rosie: I didn't mean about the wedding. I meant about the wedding night. Will this be your first time with intercourse?
Rosie: Well, don't be ashamed. You know, when I got married, I wasn't a virgin. I'd already had intercourse with eight men.
Robbie: Now, that's something I didn't wanna know about.
Rosie: That was a lot back then; it'd be like two hundred today!
[at a job interview for a bank]
Mr. Simms: Do you have any experience?
Robbie: No, sir, I have no experience but I'm a big fan of money. I like it, I use it, I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I'd like to put more in that jar. That's where you come in.
Glenn: Who are you going out with?
Glenn: Oh good, that guy needs to get laid.
Holly: Excuse me! Just because he's going out with me doesn't mean he's going to get laid.
[Glenn and Julia look at her]
Holly: ... All right, he probably will.
Glenn: Hey, asswipe, don't go snitching to Julia about this. I know you got a little crush on her, but you gotta face the facts: she'd rather go to bed with a REAL man. Not some poor singing orphan.
Robbie: All right, shithead. I haven't been in a fight since I was in the fifth grade, but I beat the shit out of that kid, so now I'm going to beat the shit out of you.
[Old guy throws a weak punch at Glenn and misses horribly]
Robbie: Hey, what are you doing, man?
Old Man in Bar: I'm sorry. I used to be much stronger.
Billy Idol: Good afternoon, everyone. We're flying at 26,000 feet, moving up to 30,000 feet, and we've got clear skies all the way to Las Vegas. Right now, we're bringing you some in-flight entertainment. One of our first class passengers would like to sing you a song inspired by one of our coach passengers. And since we let our first class passengers do, pretty much whatever they want, here he is...
[Rosie is trying to get Robbie to practice asking women out]
Rosie: I'll be a beautiful young woman, and you be Robbie. Now, ask me out.
Robbie: You know, I'm really not comfortable...
Rosie: [In character] Hello, sir. Was there something you wanted to ask me?
Robbie: [sighs] Fine. Would you like to go out on a date with me?
Rosie: [solemnly] No. Your penis is too small.
Robbie: All right, remember - alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you!
Robbie: Are you drinking, too?
Julia: No, it's Coca-Cola.
Robbie: Are you sure? There's no rum in that Coca-Cola?
Julia: I'm not a big drinker. And if it was, I'd probably be puking more than that kid!
Robbie: Oh, I don't think anybody could puke more than than kid. I think I saw a boot come out of him.
David 'Dave' Veltri: Little news flash, Pop. Ha. Harold ain't so perfect. Remember that time in Puerto Rico when we picked up those two, uh... well, I guess they were prostitutes, but I don't remember paying.
Robbie: Now let's cut the stupid cake because I know the fat guy's gonna have a heart attack if we don't eat again soon...
[fat man shrugs]
Robbie: And while we do that here's a little mood music for you.
Glenn: This is a great idea. I'm glad you came around. You want to do some gambling and have some fun right away, or you just want to get married?
Father of the Bride: Hey, buddy, I'm not paying you to hear your thoughts on life. I'm paying you to sing.
Robbie: Well, I have a microphone, and you don't, SO YOU WILL LISTEN TO EVERY DAMN WORD I HAVE TO SAY!
Julia: Not porno tongue. Church tongue.
Robbie: [laughing] Church tongue, I like that.
Sammy: If you find somebody you can love, you can't let that get away.
Robbie: Hey. I kissed her, but it didn't mean anything, I just brought her the jacket.
Glenn: Kissed who?
Holly: Oh, me.
Glenn: Who hasn't?
Andy: [watering plants as Sammy pulls up] About time his best friend showed up.
Sammy: How is he?
Andy: I dunno, man. He just stays down in the basement since it happened... Five days now. I think he might be having some kind of mental situation, or something.
Sammy: I'll talk to him.
Sammy: [the camera follows him as he walks to the house, singing to himself]
Andy: [off camera] Hey, you better do something. I don't wanna be known as brother-in-law of the town nut job; I got enough problems already.
Andy: [sound of water splosing]
Andy: Oh, shit, I just got water all over myself.
Robbie: You hit two cones back there. Those could have been people... they could have been guests at her wedding!
Sammy: [exasperated] They were *cones*!
Robbie: [Glenn offers him a drink after Jason insults him] No, I'm not a big drinker.
Glenn: Well I am, how about an "Alabama Slammer"?
Glenn's buddy: Sounds like a plan.
Robbie: Yeah, go ahead, have a few drinks and, you know, drive home.
Julia: Can I get some more prime rib?
Andre: Prime rib, always the prime rib. Make them eat the fish!
Holly: Four more prime ribs.
Andre: [bowing] Your wish is my command, my darling.
Julia: How come he's so nice to you?
Holly: I let him look at my boobs at the Christmas party last year. Not my finest half hour, but its been a pleasant working environment ever since.
Julia: [he looks at Julia] No!
Father of the Bride: You are the worst wedding singer in the world, buddy!
Robbie: Sir, one more outburst, I will strangle you with my microphone wire. You understand me.
Rosie: [to Julia] : He wants to make money. You know - live in a nice house with wide windows and locks. You can't expect him to live forever with his sister and the nipple-twisting that goes on there.
Robbie: I don't even know your last name.
Glenn: It's Guglia.
[says it Gulia]
Robbie: Guglia? Oh, so Julia's last name's gonna be Guglia. Julia Guglia! That's funny!
Glenn: [unamused] Why is that funny?
Robbie: I - don't know.
Glenn's buddy: Robbie Hart? Oh, man, I heard what happened to you at your wedding, that was so cold! You must've felt like shit!
Robbie: No, it felt real good, thanks for bringing that up, man. Hey, my parents died when I was ten, would you like to talk about that?
Glenn's buddy: No, why would I wanna talk about that?
Robbie: I don't know.
Julia: Hey, Glenn, do you mind if we switch seats so I sat in the window seat?
Glenn: Mmm. I hate the aisle seat. Every time that drink cart comes by it bangs me in the elbows.
Robbie: Can I borrow your credit card?
Sammy: You're gonna pay me back, right?
Robbie: No. But if you don't give it to me, I'm gonna tell everyone what you said at the bar.
Robbie: We're living in a material world and I am a material girl... or boy.
Julia: I puked.
Robbie: Okay. Don't worry.
Julia: I vomited in my hair.
Robbie: All right.
Julia: Does my hair smell bad?
[Robbie smells her hair]
Robbie: No, it smells good, actually.
Robbie: Hey, the goofball brothers!
Tyler: Is it true you're in the middle of a nervous breakdown?
Robbie: What? No!
Petey: Nervous breakdown! Nervous breakdown!
Robbie: Who said that?
Tyler: Everybody's been saying that.
Robbie: Everybody? You're eight years old... the only people you know are your parents!
Tyler: Is it true you're going to end up in a mental institution?
Petey: Cuckoo's nest! Cuckoo's nest!
Robbie: Hey, psycho - we're not gonna discuss this, OK, it's over. Please get out of my Van Halen t-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up.
Holly: God, I love David Bowie. He is SO sexy.
Glenn: You think the "time to make the donuts" guy is sexy.
Robbie: Heh heh, that guy is funny.
Julia: May I ask what happened with Linda?
Robbie: She wasn't the right one, I guess.
Julia: Did you have any idea she wasn't the right one when you were together?
Robbie: I should have. Uh, I remember we went to the Grand Canyon one time. We were flying there and I'd never been there before and Linda had, so you would think that she would give me the window seat but she didn't and... not that that's a big deal, you know. It's just there were a lot of little things like that. I know that sounds stupid...
Julia: Not at all. I think it's the little things that count.
Holly: I mean, you know why she's marrying him, don't you?
Robbie: The money thing? Security? A nice house? I guess that's important to some people.
Holly: No, it's not important to some people, Robbie. It's important to ALL people.
Robbie: Really? Well, then I guess I'm in big trouble.
Andre: Hey, you know what you must do...
[takes off his jacket to reveal his shirt says RELAX]
Andre: relax; don't do it.
Robbie: That's it, man, starting right now, me and you are going to be free and happy the rest of our lives!
Sammy: I'm not happy. I'm miserable.
Robbie: Wha - what?
Sammy: See... I grew up idolizing guys like Fonzie and Vinnie Barbarino because they got a lot of chicks. You know what happened to Fonzie and Vinnie Barbarino?
Robbie: Yeah, I read that Fonzie wants to be a director and Barbarino, I think... the mechanical bull movie? I didn't see it yet.
Sammy: Their shows got canceled. Because no one wants to see a fifty-year-old guy hitting on chicks.
Robbie: So what are you saying?
Sammy: What I'm saying is all I really want is someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be all right.
Old man in bar: [Comes up behind him and hugs him] Everything is going to be all right.
Kate: [ready to leave for a date] Come on, Andy! Move your ass!
Andy: Hang on, hon! I'm watching Dallas! I think J.R. might be dead or something - they shot him!
Julia: You must be Linda.
Linda: Yeah, that's me, Robbie's fiance. Who are you?
Julia: I'm Julia Sullivan. Would you tell him that I came by to see him?
Linda: Oh yeah, surely will, Jennifer.
Julia: Hey, it's Julia -
Robbie: How did you know that Glenn was the right one?
Julia: The right one, ah... I always just envisioned the right one being someone I could see myself growing old with.
Julia: And... Glenn would *be* a really good-looking older man. Like Blake Carrington.
Robbie: I'm gonna probably look like Buddy Hackett.
Robbie: Sleep it off, pal. All right.
David 'Dave' Veltri: [drunk] Hey, you know, wedding singer... Aroooo!
[trips and falls off the step]
Holly: Robbie, I have to talk to you!
Robbie: I can't talk right now.
Holly: Are you back with Linda?
Robbie: No! Why? Who said that?
Holly: Julia. She went to your house to tell you she was falling for you and Linda answered the door in her underwear! She was so upset, she and Glenn just jumped a plane to Vegas.
Robbie: What do you mean? They're getting married tomorrow!
Holly: Apparently that wasn't soon enough.
Robbie: [singing] You love her/ but she loves him/ but he loves somebody else/ you just can win/ and so it goes until the day you die/ this thing called love is going to make you cry. I hate you/ I've had the blues the reds and the pinks/ One thing's for sure.
[holds microphone to fat man]
Fat Man: Love stinks?
Robbie: Love stinks/ Yeah yeah
[holds microphone to fat man]
Fat Man: Love stinks!
Robbie: Love stinks/ Yeah, yeah
[holds microphone to lady with sideburns]
Sideburns Lady: Love stinks.
Robbie: Love stinks. Yeah yeah.
[holds microphone to table 9]
Table 9: Love stinks.
Robbie: Love stinks/ Yeah yeah.
[Bride's father punches Robbie, Robbie falls back on a table. Bride's father jumps on him and pushes and pulls him]
Robbie: Love stinks/ Love stinks/*Love stinks!*
Petey: Hey Linda, you're a bitch.
Robbie: Thanks Petey, go back into the house. He might have Tourette Syndrome. We're looking into it.
Robbie: You don't know how much I need you. / While you're near me, I don't feel blue / And when we kiss I know you need me to. / I can't believe I found a love that's so pure and true. But it all was bullshit. / It was a goddamn joke / And when I think of you, Linda / I hope you fucking choke. I hope you're glad with what you've done to me. / I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy. / You left me here, all alone, tears running constantly. / Oh would somebody kill me please? Somebody kill me please. / I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please / Kill me. / I want to die. / Put a bullet in my heeeeaaaad.
Sammy: Somebody left a jacket in the back.
Robbie: That's Julia's jacket! She took off on Notson Street, remember? She said it wasn't jacket weather anymore.
Sammy: Uh-oh... You like her!
Robbie: No, I don't.
Sammy: Of course you do! She's a cool chick with a hot ass.
Robbie: How about this? You talk about her ass again, I'll break your neck.
David 'Dave' Veltri: [drunk, as George the transvestite sings] Ooh, I like her.
Sammy: Hey, how do I look?
Robbie: I don't know, man. I would lose that glove. You look nuts.
Rosie: [rapping] I said hip hop, a hibbi to da hibbi da hip hip hoppin, ya don't stop-a rockin' to da bang bang boogie say up jump da boogie to da rhythm to da boogie da beat!
Robbie: Thank you.
Jimmie Moore: No, thank you!
Robbie: For what?
Jimmie Moore: For quitting... or, should I thank Linda?
Jimmie Moore: [nudges him] My business has tripled.
Julia: Well, you've just inspired me to hire a DJ. So thank you.
Jimmie Moore: Well, good luck trying to find a DJ who can move and shake like THIS.
[wriggles back and foth like a snake slithering]
Petey: [dressed as the Slasher] I made this for you, Uncle Robbie.
Robbie: [takes it] Aw, thanks, Freddy Kruger.
Robbie: [sees it's the wedding photo of himself and Linda, who he's drawn red devil's horns on] That's not nice... Very creative, though.
Robbie: [to the boys at the Bar Mitzvah, of Julia] Who'd like to dance with this lovely young lady?
Grandpa at Bar Mitzvah: I'd like to do more than *dance* with her!
[he and his grandson do a high-five]
Holly: Oh, my God... I can't believe I never noticed it before. You've got a thing for Julia.
Robbie: Oh. No, I don't.
Robbie: [she gives him a searching look] I don't. I think she's a beautiful girl, but she's about to marry that jerk-off.
Holly: How was your *bottle of rum* last night?
Julia: Did I vomit on you?
Holly: A little on my shoe, but luckily I was wearing your shoes.
Glenn: You better get out of my way, Billy, or you're gonna get hurt.
Holly: [tosses a Rubik's Cube across the room] No one will ever solve that.
Robbie: All right, everybody out on the dance floor! No exceptions! Look at all the happy couples!
Robbie: [of a bare-bottomed baby held by a dancing mother] Hey, somebody get some pants on this kid!
Holly: Listen, I know you're shy and I know you've been hurt, so I'm going to make this really easy on you. If you come upstairs, you're gonna get laid.
Julia: [into the mirror in her wedding dress] Hi. Nice to meet you. I'm Julia Guglia.
[disgusted at the sound of it]
Julia: Julia Guglia. Hi, it's nice to meet you I'm Julia Guglia...
[breaks out in tears, pauses, then smiles]
Julia: Hello, it's nice to meet you. I'm Mrs. Robbie Hart.
Julia: Robbie and I are so pleased you could come to our wedding...
Holly: Don't worry, I told him why you were marrying him.
Julia: Why did you tell him I was marrying him?
Holly: Because you love him.
[pause, Julia nods]
Holly: ...And because, with Glenn you'll have security.
Julia: But that's not why I'm marrying him.
Holly: Then why *are* you?
Robbie: [Robbie notices Julia's fiancee is flirting with another woman across the room, so he tries to provoke him to talk] That is a luscious ass right there isn't it? Mmm. My God.
Glenn: That's Grade A top choice meat!
Robbie: I'd like to bite right through that thing, arg! You know, chew on it.
[Glenn starts laughing in agreement]
Robbie: But we can't get chicks like that anymore. We're too old.
Glenn: Speak for yourself. I'm not too old. I can still get chicks like that.
Robbie: Not that hot though, right?
Glenn: Gotten hotter.
Robbie: Ten years ago!
Glenn: Try ten *days* ago.
Robbie: Really... As hot as that?
Glenn: Hotter, and younger.
Robbie: How do you do it, man? I mean how do you do it without getting caught?
Glenn: Julia's totally preoccupied with the wedding. She doesn't know what's going on.
Robbie: Oh man. You know what sucks though? Once you get married, the party's over, right?
Glenn: I work in the city, man. And I work long hours.
Robbie: You seem kinda sad. Why don't you go over there and dance, buddy?
Studliest Kid at Bar Mitzvah: I asked that girl over there. She turned me down. She said she doesn't dance with losers.
Robbie: Oh man, that hurts. But you know, why would you want to dance with somebody who doesn't want to dance with you, right? Listen, don't worry. You're gonna meet a girl who treats you right someday, I promise you. Okay, buddy?
Jimmie Moore: [after listening to Robbie's song] He's losing his mind.
Jimmie Moore: And I'm reaping all the benefits.
[smiles and disappears behind the curtain]
Airport Guy: Hey, do you like A Flock Of Seagulls?
Robbie: [sees the guys hair is just like the lead singer of A Flock Of Seagulls] I can see YOU do.
Robbie: But the worst thing is: that Me, Fatty, Sideburns Lady, and the mutants over at Table 9, will never ever find a way to better the situation, because apparently we have nothing to offer the opposite sex.
Robbie: Hey, psycho, I'm not gonna feel better about this, it's over. Now please get out of my Van Halen T-shirt before you jinx the band and they break up.
Linda: Oh, okay, so you're still pissed about that wedding thing?
[screen switches to Linda on the front porch with the door slamming behind her]