Quotes

Robbie: Are you drinking, too?

Julia: No, it's Coca-Cola.

Robbie: Are you sure? There's no rum in that Coca-Cola?

Julia: I'm not a big drinker. And if it was, I'd probably be puking more than that kid!

Robbie: Oh, I don't think anybody could puke more than than kid. I think I saw a boot come out of him.

Robbie: Now let's cut the stupid cake because I know the fat guy's gonna have a heart attack if we don't eat again soon...

[fat man shrugs]

Robbie: And while we do that here's a little mood music for you.

Father of the Bride: Hey, buddy, I'm not paying you to hear your thoughts on life. I'm paying you to sing.

Robbie: Well, I have a microphone, and you don't, SO YOU WILL LISTEN TO EVERY DAMN WORD I HAVE TO SAY!

Sammy: If you find somebody you can love, you can't let that get away.

Andy: [watering plants as Sammy pulls up] About time his best friend showed up.

Sammy: How is he?

Andy: I dunno, man. He just stays down in the basement since it happened... Five days now. I think he might be having some kind of mental situation, or something.

Sammy: I'll talk to him.

Sammy: [the camera follows him as he walks to the house, singing to himself]

Andy: [off camera] Hey, you better do something. I don't wanna be known as brother-in-law of the town nut job; I got enough problems already.

Andy: [sound of water splosing]

Andy: Oh, shit, I just got water all over myself.

Robbie: You hit two cones back there. Those could have been people... they could have been guests at her wedding!

Sammy: [exasperated] They were *cones*!

Glenn: [after punching Robbie] You know, you should write a song about this. You could call it "I got punched in the nose for sticking my face in other people's business".

[he and his friends walk off laughing]

Old man in bar: Sounds like a country song!

Robbie: [singing] I wanna make you smile whenever you're sad / Carry you around when your arthritis is bad / All I wanna do is grow old with you. / I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches / build you a fire if the furnace breaks / Oh it could be so nice, growin old with you. / I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold. / Need you, feed you, I'll even let you hold the remote control. / So let me do the dishes in the kitchen sink / Put you to bed when you've had too much to drink. / Oh I could be the man to grow old with you. / I wanna grow old with you.

Father of the Bride: You are the worst wedding singer in the world, buddy!

Robbie: Sir, one more outburst, I will strangle you with my microphone wire. You understand me.

[about women]

Old Man in Bar: They rip your heart out of your ass!

Rosie: Are you nervous?

Robbie: I'm actually not that nervous. I've been around lots of weddings before, so I figure it won't be very different.

Rosie: I didn't mean about the wedding. I meant about the wedding night. Will this be your first time with intercourse?

Robbie: Uh...

Rosie: Well, don't be ashamed. You know, when I got married, I wasn't a virgin. I'd already had intercourse with eight men.

Robbie: Now, that's something I didn't wanna know about.

Rosie: That was a lot back then; it'd be like two hundred today!

Glenn's buddy: Robbie Hart? Oh, man, I heard what happened to you at your wedding, that was so cold! You must've felt like shit!

Robbie: No, it felt real good, thanks for bringing that up, man. Hey, my parents died when I was ten, would you like to talk about that?

Glenn's buddy: No, why would I wanna talk about that?

Robbie: I don't know.

Robbie: Can I borrow your credit card?

Sammy: You're gonna pay me back, right?

Robbie: No. But if you don't give it to me, I'm gonna tell everyone what you said at the bar.

[at a job interview for a bank]

Mr. Simms: Do you have any experience?

Robbie: No, sir, I have no experience but I'm a big fan of money. I like it, I use it, I have a little. I keep it in a jar on top of my refrigerator. I'd like to put more in that jar. That's where you come in.

Robbie: Hey, the goofball brothers!

Tyler: Is it true you're in the middle of a nervous breakdown?

Robbie: What? No!

Petey: Nervous breakdown! Nervous breakdown!

Robbie: Who said that?

Tyler: Everybody's been saying that.

Robbie: Everybody? You're eight years old... the only people you know are your parents!

Tyler: Is it true you're going to end up in a mental institution?

Petey: Cuckoo's nest! Cuckoo's nest!

Glenn: Who are you going out with?

Holly: Robbie.

Glenn: Oh good, that guy needs to get laid.

Holly: Excuse me! Just because he's going out with me doesn't mean he's going to get laid.

[Glenn and Julia look at her]

Holly: ... All right, he probably will.

Julia: May I ask what happened with Linda?

Robbie: She wasn't the right one, I guess.

Julia: Did you have any idea she wasn't the right one when you were together?

Robbie: I should have. Uh, I remember we went to the Grand Canyon one time. We were flying there and I'd never been there before and Linda had, so you would think that she would give me the window seat but she didn't and... not that that's a big deal, you know. It's just there were a lot of little things like that. I know that sounds stupid...

Julia: Not at all. I think it's the little things that count.

Andre: Hey, you know what you must do...

[takes off his jacket to reveal his shirt says RELAX]

Andre: relax; don't do it.

Robbie: That's it, man, starting right now, me and you are going to be free and happy the rest of our lives!

Sammy: I'm not happy. I'm miserable.

Robbie: Wha - what?

Sammy: See... I grew up idolizing guys like Fonzie and Vinnie Barbarino because they got a lot of chicks. You know what happened to Fonzie and Vinnie Barbarino?

Robbie: Yeah, I read that Fonzie wants to be a director and Barbarino, I think... the mechanical bull movie? I didn't see it yet.

Sammy: Their shows got canceled. Because no one wants to see a fifty-year-old guy hitting on chicks.

Robbie: So what are you saying?

Sammy: What I'm saying is all I really want is someone to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be all right.

Old man in bar: [Comes up behind him and hugs him] Everything is going to be all right.

Julia: You must be Linda.

Linda: Yeah, that's me, Robbie's fiance. Who are you?

Julia: I'm Julia Sullivan. Would you tell him that I came by to see him?

Linda: Oh yeah, surely will, Jennifer.

Julia: Hey, it's Julia -

[Door slams]

Robbie: Sleep it off, pal. All right.

David 'Dave' Veltri: [drunk] Hey, you know, wedding singer... Aroooo!

[trips and falls off the step]

Robbie: [singing] You love her/ but she loves him/ but he loves somebody else/ you just can win/ and so it goes until the day you die/ this thing called love is going to make you cry. I hate you/ I've had the blues the reds and the pinks/ One thing's for sure.

[holds microphone to fat man]

Fat Man: Love stinks?

Robbie: Love stinks/ Yeah yeah

[holds microphone to fat man]

Fat Man: Love stinks!

Robbie: Love stinks/ Yeah, yeah

[holds microphone to lady with sideburns]

Sideburns Lady: Love stinks.

Robbie: Love stinks. Yeah yeah.

[holds microphone to table 9]

Table 9: Love stinks.

Robbie: Love stinks/ Yeah yeah.

[Bride's father punches Robbie, Robbie falls back on a table. Bride's father jumps on him and pushes and pulls him]

Robbie: Love stinks/ Love stinks/*Love stinks!*

Robbie: You don't know how much I need you. / While you're near me, I don't feel blue / And when we kiss I know you need me to. / I can't believe I found a love that's so pure and true. But it all was bullshit. / It was a goddamn joke / And when I think of you, Linda / I hope you fucking choke. I hope you're glad with what you've done to me. / I lay in bed all day long feeling melancholy. / You left me here, all alone, tears running constantly. / Oh would somebody kill me please? Somebody kill me please. / I'm on my knees, pretty pretty please / Kill me. / I want to die. / Put a bullet in my heeeeaaaad.

David 'Dave' Veltri: [drunk, as George the transvestite sings] Ooh, I like her.

Rosie: [rapping] I said hip hop, a hibbi to da hibbi da hip hip hoppin, ya don't stop-a rockin' to da bang bang boogie say up jump da boogie to da rhythm to da boogie da beat!

Petey: [dressed as the Slasher] I made this for you, Uncle Robbie.

Robbie: [takes it] Aw, thanks, Freddy Kruger.

Robbie: [sees it's the wedding photo of himself and Linda, who he's drawn red devil's horns on] That's not nice... Very creative, though.

Holly: Oh, my God... I can't believe I never noticed it before. You've got a thing for Julia.

Robbie: Oh. No, I don't.

Robbie: [she gives him a searching look] I don't. I think she's a beautiful girl, but she's about to marry that jerk-off.

Glenn: You better get out of my way, Billy, or you're gonna get hurt.

[first lines]

Robbie: All right, everybody out on the dance floor! No exceptions! Look at all the happy couples!

Robbie: [of a bare-bottomed baby held by a dancing mother] Hey, somebody get some pants on this kid!

Holly: Listen, I know you're shy and I know you've been hurt, so I'm going to make this really easy on you. If you come upstairs, you're gonna get laid.

Holly: Don't worry, I told him why you were marrying him.

Julia: Why did you tell him I was marrying him?

Holly: Because you love him.

[pause, Julia nods]

Holly: ...And because, with Glenn you'll have security.

Julia: But that's not why I'm marrying him.

Holly: Then why *are* you?

Robbie: You seem kinda sad. Why don't you go over there and dance, buddy?

Studliest Kid at Bar Mitzvah: I asked that girl over there. She turned me down. She said she doesn't dance with losers.

Robbie: Oh man, that hurts. But you know, why would you want to dance with somebody who doesn't want to dance with you, right? Listen, don't worry. You're gonna meet a girl who treats you right someday, I promise you. Okay, buddy?

Jimmie Moore: [after listening to Robbie's song] He's losing his mind.

[Eyes widen]

Jimmie Moore: And I'm reaping all the benefits.

[smiles and disappears behind the curtain]

Robbie: But the worst thing is: that Me, Fatty, Sideburns Lady, and the mutants over at Table 9, will never ever find a way to better the situation, because apparently we have nothing to offer the opposite sex.