Mulan: [to Shang] Would you like to stay for dinner?
Grandmother Fa: [Yelling in the background] Would you like to stay forever?
Ancestor: My children never caused such trouble. They all became acupuncturists.
Ancestor: Well, we can't *all* be acupuncturists.
Ancestor: No! Your great-granddaughter had to be a cross-dresser!
The Emperor of China: The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.
The Emperor of China: You don't meet a girl like that every dynasty.
Fa Zhou: Mulan...
Mulan: [kneels] Father. I brought you the sword of Shan-Yu, and the crest of the Emperor. They're gifts, to honor the Fa family.
[Fa Zhou drops the sword and crest on the ground and embraces Mulan]
Fa Zhou: The greatest gift and honor... is having you for a daughter.
The Emperor of China: I've heard a great deal about you, Fa Mulan. You stole your father's armor, ran away from home, impersonated a soldier, deceived your commanding officer, dishonored the Chinese Army, destroyed my palace, and... you have saved us all.
Mushu: My powers are beyond your mortal imagination. For instance, my eyes can see straight through your armor.
[Mushu's eyes move towards Mulan's chest; she smacks him]
Mushu: Oooh! All right, that's it! Dishonor! Dishonor on your whole family!
Mushu: Make a note of this: dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow, dis...
[Mulan covers his mouth with her hand]
Mulan: Stop. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm just nervous. I've never done this before.
Mushu: Then you're gonna have to trust me. And don't you slap me no more. We clear on that? All right. Okey-dokey, let's get this show on the road! Cri-Kee, get the bags.
[to the horse, Khan]
Mushu: Let's move it, heifer.
Mushu: The truth is, we're both frauds. Your ancestors never sent me, they don't even like me. But you risked your life to help people you love. I risked your life to help myself. At least you had good intentions.
[Cri-Kee chirps sadly at Mushu]
Mushu: What? What do you mean you're not lucky? You *lied* to me?
[Cri-Kee nods sadly]
Mushu: [to Mulan's horse] And what are you, a sheep?
Mulan: [singing] Look at me... I will never pass for a perfect bride. Or a perfect daughter. Can it be, I'm not meant to play this part? Now I see, that if I were truly to be myself, I would break my family's heart. Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me? Why is my reflection someone I don't know? Somehow I cannot hide who I am, though I've tried. When will my reflection show who I am inside?
[Mushu is ordered to awaken the ancestors by the First Ancestor]
Mushu: One family reunion comin' right up.
Mushu: [to the other ancestors while banging a gong] Okay, people, people, look alive. Let's go. Come on. Get up. Let's move it. Rise and shine. Y'all way past the beauty sleep thing, trust me.
Grandmother Fa: Great. She brings home a sword. If you ask me, she should've brought home a man.
Shang: Excuse me. Does Fa Mulan live here?
[Grandmother and Mother dumbly point to the garden]
Shang: Thank you.
Grandmother Fa: Whoo! Sign me up for the next war.
Mushu: All right! Rise and shine, Sleeping Beauty! Come on. Hup, hup, hup! Get your clothes on. Get ready. Got breakfast for ya. Look, you get *porridge*...
[Porridge has a fried-eggs-and-bacon smile]
Mushu: And it's happy to see ya.
[Cri-Kee pops up from the porridge]
Mushu: [tossing Cri-Kee from the "porridge"] Hey, get outta there! You gonna make people sick!
Mushu: [stuffing breakfast into Mulan's mouth] No time to talk. Now remember, it's your first day of trainin', so listen to your teacher and no fightin', play nice with the other kids, unless, of course, one of the other kids wanna fight, then you have to kick the other kid's butt.
Mulan: [muffled] But I don't wanna kick the other kid's butt.
Mushu: Don't talk with your mouth full. Now let's see your war face.
[Mulan looks at him with mouth full of porridge]
Mushu: Ooh, I think my bunny slippers just ran for cover. Come on, scare me, girl!
Mushu: There! That's what I'm talking about! That's my tough-looking warrior girl! Now go out there and make me proud!
Mulan: The Huns are alive! They're in the city!
Shang: You don't belong here, Mulan. Go home.
Mulan: Shang, I saw them in the mountains. You have to believe me!
Shang: Why should I?
Mulan: Why else would I come back? You said you'd trust Ping. Why is Mulan any different?
Shan-Yu: I tire of your arrogance, old man. Bow to me!
The Emperor of China: No matter how the wind howls, the mountain cannot bow to it.
Shan-Yu: Then you will kneel in *pieces*!
Fa Zhou: My, what beautiful blossoms we have this year. But look, this one's late. But I'll bet that when it blooms, it will be the most beautiful of all.
Mushu: [waking up] I liiiiiiiiiive! So tell me what mortal needs my protection, Great Ancestor. You just say the word and I'm there.
First Ancestor: Mushu...
Mushu: And let me say somethin'. Anybody who's foolish enough to threaten our family, vengeance will be miiiine!
First Ancestor: Mushu!
[points to statues]
First Ancestor: *These* are the family guardians. They...?
Mushu: ...protect the family.
First Ancestor: [points to empty alcove] And you, oh Demoted One?
Mushu: I... ring the gong.
[seeing Yao, Ling, and Chien-Po run to the lake where Mulan is bathing]
Mushu: Oh! We're *doomed!* There are a couple things I *know* they're bound to notice!
Shang: Ping, you are the craziest man I've ever met, and for that I owe you my life. From now on, you have my trust.
Ling: Let's hear it for Ping, the bravest of us all!
Yao: You're king of the mountain!
Yao: I'm gonna hit you so hard, it'll make your ancestors dizzy.
Shang: Let me see your conscription notice.
Shang: Fa Zhou? The Fa Zhou?
Chi Fu: I didn't know Fa Zhou had a son.
Mulan: Well, he doesn't talk about me much.
[Tries to spit, but ends up with a glop of spit hanging from her lip]
Chi Fu: I can see why. The boy is an absolute lunatic.
Mulan: You're, um...
Mushu: Intimidating? Awe-inspiring?
Mushu: Of course. I'm travel-size for your convenience. If I was my real size, your cow here would die of fright.
[Khan snaps at Mushu]
Mushu: Down, Bessie.
Chi Fu: [singing] I've a girl at home who's unlike any other...
Yao: [singing in whisper to Mulan] Yeah, the only girl who'd love him is his mother.
Mulan: My ancestors sent a little lizard to help me?
Mushu: Hey! Dragon. *Dra-gon*, not lizard. I don't do that tongue thing.
Mushu: My little baby's all grown up and...
Mushu: [sniffle] ... and savin' China. You have a tissue?
Mulan: [Mulan and Mushu escape back to shore from Yao, Ling, and Chin-Po] Boy, that was close.
Mushu: [brushes his teeth] That was vile! You owe me big.
[Mushu squirts more toothpaste in his mouth and brushes again]
Mulan: I never want to see a naked man again.
[a big group of naked men run past them, laughing]
Mushu: Hey, don't look at me, I ain't biting no more butts.
Shan-Yu: Looks like you're all out of ideas.
[he stabs at her with his sword; she dodges, catches the sword with the fan and twists it out of his hands]
Mulan: Not quite.
Mulan: Mushu, if you're so worried, go stand watch.
Mushu: Yeah, yeah.
Mushu: [talking and acting like a girl] Stand watch, Mushu, while I blow our secret with my stupid girly habits. Pfft! Hygiene.
Mulan: With all due respect, Your Excellency, I think I've been away from home long enough.
The Emperor of China: Then, take this.
[removes his crest from around his neck and puts it around Mulan's]
The Emperor of China: So your family will know what you have done for me. And this.
[hands her the sword of Shan Yu]
The Emperor of China: So the world will know what you have done for China.
Chi Fu: Insubordinate ruffians! You men owe me a new pair of slippers! And I do not squeal like a girl.
[a panda eats his slipper; he squeals like a girl]
Mushu: [disguised as a messenger riding the panda] Urgent news from the General.
Mushu: What's the matter? Never seen a black-and-white before?
Chi Fu: Who are you?
Mushu: Excuse me? I think the question is, who are *you!* We're in a war, man! There's no time for stupid questions! I should have your hat for this, snatch it *right* off your head. But I'm feeling gracious today, so carry on before I report you.
Yao: My girl will think I have no faults...
Chien-Po: That I'm a major find.
Mulan: Uh... How about a girl who's got a brain, who always speaks her mind?
[Cri-Kee chirps, wanting to go with Mushu]
Mushu: You're lucky? Do I look like a sucker to you?
[Cri-Kee chirps again]
Mushu: What you mean, a loser? How 'bout if I pop one of your antennas off, and throw it across the yard? Then who's the loser, me or you?
Shang: [nervously struggling to tell Mulan he loves her] Um... You... You fight good.
[a disbelieving look crosses Shang's face]
Mulan: [disappointed] Oh. Thank you.
Yao: Ah, you ain't worth my time, chicken boy.
Mushu: Chicken boy? Say that to my face, you limp noodle!
Shang: [singing] Let's get down to business to defeat the Huns./Did they send me daughters when I asked for sons?/You're the saddest bunch I've ever met,/But you can bet, before we're through/Mister, I'll make a man out of you.
Yao: I'll get that arrow, pretty boy, and I'll do it with my shirt *on*.
Mushu: Did you see those Huns? They popped out of the snow, like daisies!
Shang: I don't need anyone causing trouble in my camp.
Mulan: [in her 'man' voice] Uhh... I mean, uh, sorry you had to see that, but you know how it is when you get those, uh, manly urges, and you just gotta kill somethin'... fix things, uh, cook outdoors...
[the Huns are rapidly approaching and Mulan has taken the only remaining cannon]
Mushu: Oookay, you might wanna light that right about now. Quickly! Quickly!
[Mulan drops the tinderbox, seizes Mushu and uses him to light the rocket, then points it at the mountain behind Shan Yu]
Mushu: [from on top of the rocket as it soars away] You missed! How could you miss? He was three feet from you!
[the rocket hits the mountain and causes an avalanche]
Mulan: You shouldn't have to go!
Fa Li: Mulan!
Mulan: There are plenty of young men to fight for China!
Fa Zhou: It is an honor to protect my country and my family.
Mulan: So you'll die for honor.
Fa Zhou: I will die doing what's right!
Mulan: But if you...
Fa Zhou: I know my place! It is time you learned yours.
Mushu: I'm doomed! And all 'cause Miss Man decides to take her little drag show on the road.
Chien-Po: [singing] I'm never gonna catch my breath!
Yao: Say goodbye to those who knew me!
Ling: Boy was I a fool in school for cutting gym!
Mushu: [speak-singing] This guy's got her scared to death!
Mulan: [singing] Hope he doesn't see right through me!
Chien-Po: Now I really wish that I knew how to swim!
The Emperor of China: A single grain of rice can tip the scale. One man may be the difference between victory and defeat.
Mulan: Just because I look like a man doesn't mean I have to smell like one.
Mushu: So a couple of guys don't rinse out their socks. Picky, picky, picky. Well, myself, I kinda like that corn chip smell.
Yao: [at the waterhole] Hey, Ping.
Mulan: Oh, hi, guys. I didn't know you were here. I was just washing, so now I'm clean, and I'm gonna go. Bye-bye!
Ling: Come back here! I knew we were jerks to you before, so, let's start over. Hi, I'm Ling.
Chien-Po: And I'm Chien-Po.
Mulan: Hello, Chien-Po.
Yao: [standing naked on a rock] And I am Yao, king of the rock!
Yao: And there's nuttin' you girls can do about it.
Ling: Oh, yeah? Well, I think Ping and I can take you.
Mulan: I really don't want to take him anywhere.
Ling: Ping, we have to fight.
Mulan: No, we don't. We could just... close our eyes... and - swim around...
Ling: [pulling on Mulan's arm] Come on, don't be such a gir... Ouch! Something bit me!
Mushu: Ugh! Ach! What a nasty flavor.
[Ling and Chien-Po scramble onto the rock with Yao, while Mulan sneaks away]
Ling: Some king of the rock.
[Yao pushes him off]
Mulan: Who are you?
Mushu: Who am I? Who am I? I am the guardian of lost souls! I am the powerful, the pleasurable, the indestructible Mushu!
Mushu: Oh. Ha, ha. Pretty hot, huh?
Matchmaker: Fa Mulan.
Matchmaker: [writing] Speaking without permission...
Chi Fu: Order. People, order.
Citizen: I'll have a pan-fried noodle.
Chien-Po: Ooh, ooh, sweet-and-pungent shrimp.
Citizen: Moo goo gai pan.
Chi Fu: That's not funny.
Fa Zhou: I am ready to serve the emperor.
Mulan: Father! You can't go!
Fa Zhou: Mulan!
Mulan: Please, sir. My father has already fought for...
Chi Fu: Silence! You would do well to teach your daughter to hold her tongue in a man's presence.
Fa Zhou: Mulan, you dishonor me.
Grandmother Fa: [to Cri-Kee] This is your chance to prove yourself.
[Covers eyes and steps into traffic]
Fa Li: Grandma, no!
[Grandmother crosses the road unharmed, leaving a massive cart pile-up behind her]
Grandmother Fa: Yup, this cricket's a lucky one!
Shan-Yu: You took away my victory!
[Mulan's shoe hits his head]
[Shan-Yu faces Mulan]
Mulan: I did.
[she pulls back her hair so that Shan-Yu recognizes her]
Shan-Yu: The soldier from the mountains...
[Mulan runs off with Shan-Yu following]
Fa Li: I should have prayed to the ancestors for luck.
Grandmother Fa: How lucky can they be? They're dead. Besides, I've got all the luck we'll need.
Grandmother Fa: This is your chance to prove yourself.
Mushu: [finding Cri-kee in the snow] Man, you are one lucky bug.
First Ancestor: Great Stone Dragon, have you awakened?
Mushu: [holding up the Great Stone Dragon's head, which is all that is left of him] Uh, uh, uh, uh... Yes, I just woke up. I'm... I'm the Great Stone Dragon. Good morning! I will go forth and fetch Mulan. Did... Did I mention that I was the Great Stone Dragon?
First Ancestor: Go! The fate of the Fa family rests on your claws.
Mushu: Don't even worry about it. I will not lose face!
Mushu: [loses balance and rolls down the hill; the head of the Great Stone Dragon lands on top of him] Oh, my elbow. Oh, oh. I know I twisted something.
Man with Tattoo: [Mulan is watching Yao and Ling talk to a new recruit who is showing off his tattoo] This tattoo will protect me from harm.
[punches the recruit who falls]
Ling: [laughs] I hope you can get your money back!
Mulan: I don't think I can do this.
Shang: [as Yao starts to climb the pole to retrieve Shang's arrow] One moment. You seem to be missing something.
[Chi Fu comes forward with two bronze disks, which Shang hangs on Yao's wrists]
Shang: This - represents discipline... and this - represents strength.
[Yao collapses, as everyone else snickers]
Shang: You need both to reach the arrow.
Chi Fu: Be careful, Captain. The General may be your father, but I am the Emperor's counsel. Oh, and by the way, I got that job on my own.
[Li Shang walks out of his tent and passes Mulan]
Mulan: Hey. I'll hold him, and you punch!
Mushu: Okay, let me see what you got.
Mushu: [reading Cri-Kee's note] "From General Li. Dear Son, we're waiting for the Huns at the pass. It would mean a lot if you'd come and back us up." Hmm, that's great, except you forgot, "And since we're out of potpourri, perhaps you wouldn't mind bringing up some." *Hel-lo!* This is the army! Make it sound more urgent, please! You know what I'm talkin' about?
Shang: What's your name?
Mulan: Uh... I, I, uh...
Chi Fu: Your commanding officer just asked you a question.
Mulan: Uh, I've got a name. Ha! And it's a boy's name, too.
Mushu: [whispering in Mulan's ear] Ling. How 'bout Ling?
Mulan: [looking toward Ling] His name is Ling.
Shang: I didn't ask for *his* name. I asked for *yours!*
Mushu: Try, uh, uh, ah, Chu.
Mulan: Ah Chu.
Shang: Ah Chu?
Mushu: [chuckles] I kill myself.
Shang: Then what is it?
Mushu: Ping! Ping was my best friend growin' up.
Mulan: It's Ping.
Mushu: Of course, Ping did steal my girl...
[Mulan muffles him]
Mulan: Yes, my name is Ping.
Mulan: No one will listen to me.
Mushu: Huh? I'm sorry, did you say something?
Mushu: Hey, you're a girl again. Remember?
Shang: Captain Li Shang. Hm. Leader of China's finest troops. No, the greatest troops of all time.
[exits his tent to find the troops fighting each other; we see one soldier with a black eye salute Shang, then promptly faint]
Chi Fu: Most impressive.
[all assemble into line]
Shang: You will assemble swiftly and silently every morning. Anyone who acts otherwise, will answer to me.
Yao: Ooh, tough guy!
First Ancestor: We must send the most powerful of all.
Mushu: Okay, okay. I get the drift. I'll go.
Mushu: Oh, y'all don't think I can do it? Watch this here!
Mushu: [breathes a very small flame] Aha! Jump back. I'm pretty hot, huh? Don't make me have to singe nobody to prove no point.
First Ancestor: You had your chance to protect the Fa family.
Old Female Ancestor: Your misguidance led Fa Deng to disaster!
Fa Deng: [holding his severed head] Yeah, thanks a lot.
Mulan: It's going to take a miracle to get me into the army.
[Mushu's shadow appears in giantic form and surrounded by flames]
Mushu: Did I hear someone ask for a miracle? Let me hear you say "aaah"!
Mulan: [in fear] Aaah!
Mushu: That's close enough!
Mulan: A ghost.
Mushu: Get ready, Mulan, your serpentine salvation is at hand! For I have been sent by your ancestors... to guide you through your masquerade.
Mushu: You know, we have to work on your people skills.
Imperial scout: The Emperor will stop you.
Shan-Yu: Stop me? He invited me.
[clutching the scout and holding him aloft]
Shan-Yu: By building his wall he challenged my strength. Well, I'm here to play his game.
Mushu: We're gonna die! We're gonna die! We're definitely gonna die! No way we survive this! Death is coming!
[after Mulan cuts Khan loose from a flaming cart with Mushu in it]
Mushu: Oh, sure. Save the *horse*.
[Shan-Yu releases two captured Imperial scouts to give the Emperor a message]
Shan-Yu: How many men does it take to deliver a message?
[Hun Archer draws back his bow and aims]
Hun Archer: One.
[to a pair of captured Imperial scouts]
Shan-Yu: Nice work, gentlemen. You found the Hun army.
Mulan: [singing] Ancestors, hear my plea: help me not to make a fool of me, and to not uproot my family tree. Keep my father standing tall.
Mushu: [after burning Shan-Yu's hawk] Now that's what I call Mongolian barbecue.
Mulan: Get off the roof, get off the roof, get off the roof!
Mulan: [Grabs Mushu and Cri-kee and jumps]
Mushu: Go get her? What's the matter with you... After this Great Stone Humpty-Dumpty mess, I'd have to bring her home with a medal to be let back in the temple. Wait a minute! That's it! I'll make Mulan a war hero, and the ancestors will be begging me to come back. That's the master plan! Oh, you've done it now, man.
Matchmaker: You are a dis-*grace!* You may look like a bride, but you will never bring your family honor!
Shang: Okay, gentlemen, thanks to your new friend Ping, you'll spend tonight picking up every single grain of rice. And tomorrow, the *real* work begins.
[all the soldiers grumble]
Mushu: [to Mulan] You know, we'll have to work on your people skills.
Guard: [after lighting the signal fire] Now all of China knows you're here.
Shan-Yu: [lights a flag on the fire] Perfect.
Mushu: I was this close. This close to impressin' the ancestors, gettin' the top shelf, an entourage. Man. All my fine work. Pfft.
[on the troops]
Mushu: Beautiful, isn't it?
Mulan: They're disgusting.
Mushu: No, they're men. And you'll have to act just like them, so pay attention.
Bather: [singing] We'll have you washed and dried, / primped and polished till you glow with pride. / Trust my recipe for instant bride. / You'll bring honor to us all.
Fa Li: [seeing the notes Mulan has written on her arm] Mulan, what's this?
Mulan: [nervously] Uh, notes, in case I forget something?
Grandmother Fa: [handing Cri-Kee's cage over] Hold this. We need more luck than I thought.
Mushu: Let's go kick some Hunny buns! Yee-ha!
[hoots and hollers]
Fa Zhou: Honorable ancestors, please help Mulan impress the matchmaker today.
[Little Brother runs by dragging a sack of feed; chickens start pecking the grain left behind]
Fa Zhou: Please. *Please* help her.
Shan-Yu: [tosses doll to soldiers] What do you see?
Hun Twin 2: Black pine. From the high mountains.
Hun Twin 1: [finds hair on doll] White horse hair. Imperial stallions.
Hun: [sniffs doll] Sulfur... from cannons.
Shan-Yu: This doll came from a village in the Tung Shao Pass, where the Imperial Army's waiting for us.
Hun Archer: We can avoid them easily.
Shan-Yu: No. The quickest way to the emperor is through that pass. Besides
[smiles at doll]
Shan-Yu: the little girl will be missing her doll. We should return it to her.
The Emperor of China: Chi Fu.
Chi Fu: Your Excellency?
The Emperor of China: [indicating Mulan] See to it that this woman is made a member of my council.
Chi Fu: A member of... what?
Chi Fu: But... there are no council positions open, your Majesty.
The Emperor of China: Very well.
The Emperor of China: [to Mulan] You can have HIS job.
[Chi Fu faints]