Rube Baker: Carlos Liston, a resident mad man and cleanup hitter.
Hog Ellis: I have to pitch to him today?
Rube Baker: Yeah.
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: Just remember one thing, Carlos is a bit like a mad dog.
Hog Ellis: Mad dog?
Pedro Cerrano: If he smells fear, he goes into attack mode.
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: So, whatever you do,
Pedro Cerrano: Don't let him know that you are scared.
Hog Ellis: I need to use the bathroom.
Pedro Cerrano: Use the mound.
Harry Doyle: And here's Cerrano, returning to baseball after taking some time off to search for... whatever the hell it was he lost. Maybe his mind!
Gus Cantrell: God... if You can hear me, *please*... send me *one* real baseball player. That's all I ask. And if you can't grant me that then... well... you might as well just strike me dead right here and now.
[he gets hit with the baseball]
Harry Doyle: Yes, sir, I remember Gus Cantrell from the old California AA League. That was before Diet Coke became my beverage of choice. Gus was a pretty fair pitcher, but he'll have to be more than "pretty fair" to bring this bunch close to anything resembling a baseball team.
[turns to color man and places his hand on the mic]
Harry Doyle: They suck.
Harry Doyle: Wingate is what you'd call a finesse pitcher. Relies on control, accuracy, not speed. They time this kid's fastball with an hourglass!
Gus Cantrell: Hey Rube.
Rube Baker: Hey Skip.
Gus Cantrell: Say Rube, I was wondering, do you have any hidden skills?
Rube Baker: Hidden skills?
Gus Cantrell: Yeah, like if my car wasn't running right, would you be able to take the carburetor apart and fix it?
Rube Baker: No. I don't know anything about carburetors.
Gus Cantrell: How about if I bought some lumber, would you be able to build me a coffee table?
Rube Baker: I don't think so.
Gus Cantrell: So your skills have primarily lend themselves to baseball. Can we say that?
Rube Baker: Yeah, we can say that.
Gus Cantrell: If another routine ground ball lands 15 rows in the grandstands, I'm sending your ass home. So I suggest you make your throws. Or, I suggest you invest in some how-to books and find a fallback profession, understood.
Rube Baker: Yeah.
[Rube leaves the dugout, and comes back in, and leaves again]
Rube Baker: Mitt.
Doc: I thought you were going to give him the gentle speech.
Gus Cantrell: That was it.
Doc: Perplexed? Carlton Windgate, pitcher. Everybody calls me Doc.
Gus Cantrell: Gus Cantrell, manage. Everybody calls me Gus.
Doc: Nice to meet you. So do you have a question about the lineup?
Gus Cantrell: Well, there seems to be a mistake. You have Juan Lopez playing second and Juan Lopez playing short.
Doc: Oh, that's no mistake. Juan?
Juan Lopez #1: Hola, Coach.
Juan Lopez #2: Buenos dias.
Gus Cantrell: Brothers?
Doc: Twins. Confounding, isn't it?
Gus Cantrell: Confounding seems to be the word of the day. Listen, from now on you'll be Juan 1.
Juan Lopez #1: Si.
Gus Cantrell: And you'll be Juan 2.
Juan Lopez #2: Sounds good, coach.
Doc: By numbering them, you're identifying them and squelching their self esteem.
Gus Cantrell: I don't mean to be rude Doc, but how would you like to be Juan 3?
Carlos Liston: Tell that son of a bitch to throw me his fastball.
Rube Baker: That was his fastball.
Harry Doyle: The brothers Lopez steal second and third. Either somebody got their signals crossed or this is starting to look like a baseball team.
Rube Baker: Gus Cantrell, you remember me?
Gus Cantrell: Rube Baker, what are you doing here? I thought you were with San Diego.
Rube Baker: I was with San Diego, but some throwing problems came back to haunt me.
Gus Cantrell: Having trouble making the throw to second?
Rube Baker: Yeah, second. And uh, first. Third, a little. I still have trouble getting the ball back to the pitcher.
Gus Cantrell: Oh, come on I don't believe that. Just take it back and let 'er rip.
[Rube throws the ball, it leaves the field and hits a car]
Kid: Mom, they did it again.
Gus Cantrell: So Pops, I was wondering, did you ever make it to the show?
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: Came close, once. It was with the Red Sox organization.
Gus Cantrell: Yeah?
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: It was October. A player got sick. So I got the call. I was on the plane and a freak snow storm hit. We couldn't land. Two days later: the weather is fine, so is the player.
Gus Cantrell: That stinks.
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: 20 years in the minors, I circled the show, couldn't land.
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: This is the clubhouse.
Gus Cantrell: In some places of the world, this is called a basement.
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: It's cool in August. Other times, it can get musty.
Gus Cantrell: Dank?
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: That too. There's your office.
Gus Cantrell: Another prayer unanswered.
[Gus hears heavy breathing]
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: Lance Pere, this is Gus Cantrell, our new skipper.
Lance Pere: Welcome to our unique little troop.
Gus Cantrell: Thanks, you're not stuck or anything, are you?
Lance Pere: No, it's yoga. As we go, so goes the world. For we are the world.
Gus Cantrell: I'll have to jot that down.
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: You better unwind and get dressed unless you're planning on playing naked.
Lance Pere: Will do, Pops.
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: He came here by way of New York City ballet.
Lance Pere: Ballet?
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: He was such a natural athlete, they signed him.
Gus Cantrell: He used to be a ballerina?
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: I don't think guys are ballerinas.
Gus Cantrell: Balladeer?
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: Don't balladeers sing?
Gus Cantrell: No, I think that's a troubadour.
Harry Doyle: Lance the Dance scores on what appears to be a triple axle thrown in with a salchow.
Boll Weevils Announcer: What's he doing, is that a curtsey?
Harry Doyle: Lance the Dance is entertaining the crowd. He is blowing kisses and curtseying. This must go back to his days as a balladeer.
Boll Weevils Announcer: Oh, he was a singer?
Harry Doyle: Dancer.
Rube Baker: Hog, he's crowding the plate, forcing you to throw to his power.
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: Might want to give him a little chin music.
Hog Ellis: You want me to throw at Carlos Liston?
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: He'll hate you tonight, but he'll respect him in the morning.
Hog Ellis: What do I do if he comes out here?
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: Climbing the center field wall wouldn't be a bad idea.
Gus Cantrell: So, what's the deal with Carlos?
Roger Dorn: Well, Carlos is in a love fest, with Carlos.
Gus Cantrell: What about the rest of your team.
Roger Dorn: One guy wants to be traded to New York so he can get more press coverage. My center fielder is threatening to quit because he wants to become a male model. And my second baseman and shortstop aren't speaking to each other because one has a bigger shoe contract than the other and they haven't turned a double play in over a month.
Gus Cantrell: So out of your 25 guys, baseball is a primary concern for how many?
Roger Dorn: 14. Maybe.
Gus Cantrell: Gentlemen, some of you might want to check your contracts. You all set there, Rube?
Rube Baker: Oh, yeah.
Gus Cantrell: Yeah, just a little more mayo there. It seems that you guys signed on to play an entire season, but quit playing about 2/3 of the way through, and I want to know what the hell is going on. Anyone? Yeah, Hog.
Hog Ellis: Well, nobody thinks that we can win without Downtown.
Gus Cantrell: Look, this game is not about one player. Believe me, I miss Downtown just as much as the rest of you. But baseball is about a team, an entire team, playing together. Yeah, look at me like I'm some damn corndog old man who doesn't know what the hell I'm talking about!
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: I don't know about the rest of you, but I remember not too long ago, we were the joke of the league. Now we've won some games. We even went dead even with the big team, and this man made the difference. I think we should listen to what he has to say.
Gus Cantrell: Look, I'm not asking for too much. Just help the guy sitting next to you. Maybe you know something he doesn't. Maybe you can pass that information along. We're traveling tonight. We got the Crawdads tomorrow. By the time we hit the field, I expect everyone's minds to be on teamwork and the business of baseball. That cool?
Hog Ellis: Yeah, it's cool
Gus Cantrell: All right, let's pack up and get out of here.
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: I'll tell you what, Rube. Playing a big league team, big league park, made the whole 20 years worthwhile.
Rube Baker: It's a beautiful thing.
Leonard Huff: Do my eyes deceive me? Is that who I think it is?
Gus Cantrell: [not turning around] Slick guy, overdressed, helmet hair, shit-eating grin?
Maggie Reynolds: [turning around] You must have eyes in the back of your head.
Gus Cantrell: Leonard Huff, manager-slash-bullshit artist extraordinaire.
Gus Cantrell: [seeing a newspaper article about the Buzz/Twins game] Are you out of your mind?
Roger Dorn: You know, you are the fifth person this morning to ask me that question.
Gus Cantrell: You bring Downtown up too early, you might have to send him back down, and that could really hurt the kid.
[Gus Cantrell is gaining consciousness after being knocked out with the ball]
Gus Cantrell: God?
Pedro Cerrano: No.
Gus Cantrell: Moses?
Pedro Cerrano: No, but you're getting warm.
Gus Cantrell: Cerrano.
Pedro Cerrano: [chuckles] Hello, Gus.
Gus Cantrell: [laughs, then grabs the back of his head in pain] Oh, Jesus Christ.
Pedro Cerrano: Be careful, now.
Gus Cantrell: You scared me to death!
Pedro Cerrano: Do you mean when you realized God is black?
Gus Cantrell: Yeah... I thought She was white.
Pedro Cerrano: [laughs]
Gus Cantrell: I must've been out a long time if it's Halloween already.
Pedro Cerrano: What's your point?
Hog Ellis: Hold it right there! This here is a hundred mile hour fast ball. One of the best pitches known to man today. If it were to hit you, it would've knocked your head clean off. I can always miss, but I've been playing pretty good today, so you gotta ask yourself one question.
Carlos Liston: Do I feel lucky?
Hog Ellis: Well, do you Carlos?
Carlos Liston: Thou shalt not make fun of Carlos Liston or thou will get their asses whipped.
Taka Tanaka: Family bicker. Customers complain. Everyone blames Taka. Have no... peace of brain.
Gus Cantrell: [looks ahead after reading the newspaper on the bus] Oh, my... Cerrano?
Pedro Cerrano: Yo?
Gus Cantrell: Cerrano!
Pedro Cerrano: [approaches Gus] Si, Gus, what?
Gus Cantrell: [points at sign ahead] Is that who I think it is?
Pedro Cerrano: [the sign is for Taka's Putt-Putt] Jesus Christo. Tanaka!
[after accidentally-on-purpose spilling a soft drink on the Minnesota announcer]
Harry Doyle: Oh, I'm so sorry. Here, here's a twenty. Go get yourself another suit.
Gus Cantrell: Pops, I got something for you.
[hands Pops a package]
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: [opens package] This is a first baseman's glove.
Gus Cantrell: That's funny, that's what the guy in the sporting goods store said it was.
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: I'm not a first baseman. I'm an outfielder. I been an outfielder my whole life.
Gus Cantrell: Look, Pops, I think it might be better for the team...
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: Wait. Hold on, now. I've been around a long time. Don't give me the best for the team speech. Give it to me straight.
Gus Cantrell: You're too old, you're too fat, you're too slow. Straight enough?
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: Yeah, yeah, that'll do it.
Gus Cantrell: But I like your bat and I need a leader on the field and I think you're my man. What do you say? You wanna give first base a try?
Frank 'Pops' Morgan: Well, you know, whatever's best for the team.
Leonard Huff: So are you a baseball fan?
Maggie Reynolds: As a matter of fact, I am.
Leonard Huff: Well, I manage a team. Minnesota Twins, may you've heard of them.
Gus Cantrell: Hmm, Minnesota Twins, may I've heard of them. You asshole.
Taka Tanaka: [to himself, hearing the crowd chanting "Taka, Taka] Something about Mt. Fuji... we think.
Gus Cantrell: Did you know that Huff has "Born to Lie" tattooed on his forearm?
Roger Dorn: Is that the truth?
Doc: Skip, I talked to Rube, and I've discovered that Rube's entire throwing problem comes from a rather abrasive Little League Coach.
Gus Cantrell: Rube can't throw for shit because of some jerk-off Little League coach?
Doc: In layman's terms, yes.
Doc: You, uh, you want me to go with the off-speed stuff?
Gus Cantrell: You got anything else?
Gus Cantrell: I'd say we go with the off-speed stuff, then.
Harry Doyle: It's been a while.
Gus Cantrell: Yeah, well one thing never changes.
Harry Doyle: What's that?
Gus Cantrell: Butterflies.
Harry Doyle: Oh. What a decade to quit drinking.
[Rube throws a ground ball over the first base dugout and nearly hits Mr. Buzz]
Fan: Get some glasses, catcher!
[Mr. Buzz flips off Rube]
Billy 'Downtown' Anderson: Wait a sec, Gus Cantrell, 6'1", 185 pounds, throws right, bats right.
Gus Cantrell: Yeah.
Billy 'Downtown' Anderson: Yeah, I had triples of your rookie card when I was in grade school.
Gus Cantrell: Do you still have them?
Billy 'Downtown' Anderson: No, I traded them all for one player to be named at a later date. I'm kidding.
Doc: Do you have nicoise?
Diner Cook: I told you. We have ranch, Italian, and chunky bleu cheese, which is 50 cents extra.
Doc: Do you have any balsamic vinegar?
Diner Cook: I got ranch, Italian, chunky bleu cheese.
Doc: How about a gun so I can shoot myself in the head?
Leonard Huff: That's it, it's over. I'm not a Pirate, I'm not a Yankee, I'm not even a Red Sock. I am a damn Buzz.
[a player spits in Huff's direction]
Leonard Huff: Thank you. Bumblebee, yeah, that's what I am, a Buzz.
Maggie Reynolds: One minute, you're talking about the new, improved, responsible, Gus Cantrell. The next, you are rolling across a bar room floor, kicking, punching, and biting.
Gus Cantrell: I didn't bite him. Besides, it wasn't my fault.
Maggie Reynolds: How was it not your fault?
Gus Cantrell: He asked he to hit him.
Maggie Reynolds: That's funny. I don't remember hearing him request a punch in the nose.
Gus Cantrell: It's like a secret guy language. When someone pokes you with their finger more than once, they are saying, "Come on and hit me."
Maggie Reynolds: A secret guy language. Now, I know about the handshake, and the decoder ring, but this is new to me.
Gus Cantrell: I hate to have to do this, but there's a speech clause in my contract. I know you guys have been reading the papers. That this is just a thing for publicity, part of my ongoing feud with Leonard Huff. But it would selfish of me to put you guys in such a jam just for publicity. No my motivation is deeper than that. It's ego.
[the players laugh]
Gus Cantrell: I know your coaches would go out there to have fun or to fulfill your dream. I am asking that you win this one for me. Yeah! Win this one for Gus Cantrell! So let's stay loose, have fun, and let's go out there and take a bite out of the big team's ass!
Roger Dorn: As far as I'm concerned, as deal's a deal. I know how long you've been waiting to get to the Majors, plus I know that it has been a lifelong dream.
Gus Cantrell: [Dorn presents Gus with a Twins hat] Wow, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I'm going to have to pass.
Roger Dorn: I'm talking about a job with the Twins here, Gus.
Gus Cantrell: I have a lot of information I feel I can pass on to young ballplayers. That's where I belong, and that's what I want to do.
Roger Dorn: You want to manage a minor league team?
Gus Cantrell: So I'm going to stick with the Buzz, if that's okay with you.
Roger Dorn: [speechless] Yeah it's okay, but...
Gus Cantrell: But thanks.
Airport P.A.: Your attention please. Flight 63 to Miami is boarding at Gate 28.
Maggie Reynolds: Oh that's us.
Roger Dorn: Wait, where are you guys going?
Maggie Reynolds: It's called a honeymoon.
Roger Dorn: That's great. Congratulations! Hey, I don't have any plans. You mind if I come along.
Maggie Reynolds: Yeah, we do.
Chief Umpire: Gentleman, you know the ground rules. So shake hands and let's have a good, clean ballgame.
[Huff puts out his hand, Gus reluctantly shakes it. He tries to walk away, but Huff won't let him]
Leonard Huff: I'm going to give you the beating of your life.
Gus Cantrell: We'll see about that.
Leonard Huff: Yeah we will.
Gus Cantrell: Oh, by the way, some of the guys are wondering where you got your toupee.
Leonard Huff: This is not a toupee. This is real.
Gus Cantrell: You can level with me, huh Lenny? Where'd you get it?
Leonard Huff: [Pulling on his hair] It's real. It's mine.
Gus Cantrell: Really?
Leonard Huff: [Still pulling on his hair] It is and it's mine. You see this? Haha. Dumbass.
Gus Cantrell: [Chuckling as he walks back to his dugout] I'll, uh, tell the guys they were wrong.
[Huff realizes what he did and why the fans are laughing at him]
Twins Assistant Coach: [after the Buzz make a comeback] So much for beating them into submission.
Leonard Huff: Shut up!
[Huff hurls the baseball he's holding against the wall; it rebounds and knocks him out]
Twins Assistant Coach: Get the trainer.
Leonard Huff: Gentlemen, this is NOT a "should win" or "want to win" situation.
Gus Cantrell: This is every 8 year old's dream: play a big league team in a big league park.
Leonard Huff: This is a MUST WIN SITUATION!
Gus Cantrell: No force, no push.
Leonard Huff: [yelling each word individually] BEAT THEM INTO SUBMISSION!
Gus Cantrell: Just relax. Let's have some fun.