Half Baked (1998)
Cocaine Addict: Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck dick for coke. Now that's an addiction. You ever suck some dick for marijuana?
Scarface: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, and fuck you, I'm out!
Brian: First of all to understand what happened to killer, you gotta understand who killer the dog was. Now killer was born to a three-legged bitch of a mother. He was always ashamed of this, man. And then right after that he's adopted by this man, Tito Liebowitz he's a small time gun runner and a rotweiler fight promoter. So he puts killer into training. They see killer's good. He is damn good. But then he had the fight of his life. They pit him against his brother nibbles. And killer said "no man that's my brother, I can't fight nibbles" but they made him fight anyway, and killer, he killed nibbles. Killer said "that's it!" he called off all his fights, and he started doing crack, and he freaked out. Then in a rage, he collapsed, and his heart no longer beat. wow.
Thurgood Jenkins: You know uh, I never thought I'd say this to anybody, but you two smoke entirely too much reefer.
Brian: Get some sour cream and onion chips with some dip, man, some beef jerky, some peanut butter. Get some Häagen-Dazs ice cream bars, a whole lot, make sure chocolate, gotta have chocolate, man. Some popcorn, red popcorn, graham crackers, graham crackers with marshmallows, the little marshmallows and little chocolate bars and we can make s'mores, man. Also, celery, grape jelly, Cap'n Crunch with the little Crunch berries, pizzas. We need two big pizzas, man, everything on 'em, with water, whole lotta water, and Funyons.
Kenny: That's it?
Thurgood Jenkins: Yeah, get me a box of condoms, and, what was that thing we used to eat back in the day? What was it... oh yeah, pussy.
Kenny: You got it.
Kenny: I love horses.
Cop: I love horses.
Kenny: I love Butterstuff.
Kenny: [to horse] Hey, girl! You hungry?
Overweight Woman: [walking by and overhears] Fuck you, nigga!
Kenny: I'm sorry! I was talking to the horse.
Samson Simpson: I'm going to kill your little Mexican friend
Scarface: I'm Cuban, B!
Samson Simpson: Ahhh, yes! Cuban Bee!
Brian: Lady, seven bucks for a used Kenny Loggins record? I'll give you five.
Record Store Customer: Ugh-huh, he autographed it himself.
Brian: All right, I'll give you four.
Brian: I'm not gonna do what everyone thinks I'm gonna do and... FLIP OUT man... all I wanna know is... who's coming with me? Who's coming, man? Who's coming with me?
Thurgood Jenkins: It was the summer before 9th grade, and there was me, Brian, Kenny, Scarface, and of course the lovable Old James... hold on, wait a minute... Old James... Old James wasn't there... I don't even know nobody named Old James.
[Old James disappears]
Thurgood Jenkins: I love weed, LOVE IT! Probably always will! But not as much as I love pussy! The end.
Kenny: You guys gotta get me out of here! There's this guy Nasty Nate who wants my cocktail fruit, and everyone here likes fresh fish! Then The Squirrel Master came out of left field and told me I'm his bitch!
Squirrel Master: Back up Nasty Nate, this my bitch!
Nasty Nate: Better watch your back Fish! Squirrel Master ain't gonna be there for you all the time. Next time I come for you, I'm gonna want some cocktail... FRUIT!
Kenny: Here take it!
[walks away with Squirrel Master]
Kenny: I'm somebody's bitch!
Enhancement Smoker: You ever see the back of a twenty dollar bill... on weed? Oh, there's some crazy shit, man. There's a dude in the bushes. Has he got a gun? I dunno! RED TEAM GO, RED TEAM GO.
The Guy on the Couch: Hey, is it January?
Thurgood Jenkins: No, it's August.
The Guy on the Couch: Really?
Brian: For 400 dollars I got Jerry Garcia in a pouch, man!
Thurgood Jenkins: Who the fuck told you that?
Brian: The man who sold it to me, Barry Garcia.
Thurgood Jenkins: So who is that, Jerry Garcia's brother?
Brian: No, actually it was Andy Garcia's brother.
Thurgood Jenkins: So, now we all live together in New York. I myself, am a master of the custodial arts. Or a janitor, if you wanna be a dick about it.
Scarface: I got it! Why don't we sell that weed that we smoked earlier!
Thurgood Jenkins: We suggested that already!
Scarface: For real, B?
[Phone beeps go off in Scarface's head]
Voice: Marijuana affects the memory.
Thurgood Jenkins: [to Mary Jane] Listen, I really like you. I was just wondering maybe if you're interested we can go out later and get some ice cream or something...
Scarface: OOH! MOTHER FUCKER SAID ICE CREAM!
Brian: BLAH BLAH ICE CREAM! YOU'RE SUCH A DORK, MAN!
Thurgood Jenkins: Damn!
Thurgood Jenkins: [in a woman's voice] Samson... it's Sheila... M-Momma fell...
Samson Simpson: Shut up, bitch!
Thurgood Jenkins: I be from Jamaica, mon. Lord have mercy.
Samson Simpson: What part of Jamaica?
Thurgood Jenkins: Right near da beach. Boy-eeee!
Thurgood Jenkins: Guys just shutup about the weed for two seconds, I don't want this girl to know I smoke
Scarface: Yeah it's bad enough you a janitor yo.
Thurgood Jenkins: Custodian, dick!
Thurgood Jenkins: Smoke-Alot opened up to me like I was Barbara Walters. It was ridiculous, he told me about his lawyer...
Sir-Smoke-Alot: He had sex with my momma! Why?
Thurgood Jenkins: Spirituality...
Sir-Smoke-Alot: God, if you listenin', help!...
Thurgood Jenkins: His bad back...
Sir-Smoke-Alot: The doctor said I need a backiotomy.
Thurgood Jenkins: His love life...
Sir-Smoke-Alot: I'm impotent, man! Get away from me, biatch!
[pushing a girl aside]
Thurgood Jenkins: I mean, talk about a guy with problems.
Thurgood Jenkins: The MacGyver smoker is a very handy guy to have around, especially when it comes to reefer.
McGayver Friend: Hey, man, we're out of papers.
McGayver Smoker: All right. Then get me a toilet paper roll, a corkscrew and some tin foil.
McGayver Friend: We don't have a corkscrew.
McGayver Smoker: All right. Then get me an avocado, an ice pick and my snorkel.
McGayver Smoker: [Friend looks at him funny] Trust me, bro. I've made bongs with less. Hurry up!
Thurgood Jenkins: This weed was the shiz-nittlebam snip-snap-sack.
Historian Smoker: You know, back in the '60s we used to smoke this shit on the street. Cops didn't say nothin', hell, they was gettin' high, too. Everybody was good. It wasn't a thing to do because it was a thing to do, you know? It was a thing to do because it got you high. Can you dig it?
Thurgood Jenkins: Oh, I feel you, that's why I'm doin' it. I feel you. Man, you're cool as shit, mister. I hate to do it, but I gotta charge you. That's 60 bucks.
Historian Smoker: 60 bucks? Man, I remember when a dimebag cost a dime, you know what I mean?
Historian Smoker: You know how much condoms used to cost back in them days?
Thurgood Jenkins: How much?
Historian Smoker: I don't know, we never used 'em.
[both start laughing]
Thurgood Jenkins: I got some bootie! I got some bootie! It was good, too.
Kenny: No. NO. NO! Devil man! Devil 6-6-6, the mark of the beast! No! Naughty! Naughty jungle of love!
Brian: You said you gave Mary Jane a pearl necklace!
Thurgood Jenkins: Obviously you missed the whole point of that story, Brian.
Scarface: Don't worry, man. All we gotta do to get you out is to get ten percent of ten million dollars. Which by our calculations is...
Brian: ...Fucking impossible, man!
Thurgood Jenkins: I'm sorry, yo. I don't wanna be the first nigga to die from a crossbow!
Thurgood Jenkins: You know I got some weed at work today, if y'all wanna try it out.
Scarface: Nah, we don't feel like smokin right now.
Thurgood Jenkins: Me neither. So y'all wanna smoke?
Scarface: I'll get Billy Bong Thornton!
Brian: No man. No Billy Bong Thornton without Kenny. That wouldn't be right. Get Wesley Pipes. Yeah!
Kenny: In eleven days I'm as good as skewered! Ever take your clothes off and run backwards through a cornfield?
Brian: Hey, Jan... will you be my girlfriend?
Jan: Well, I would, but I'm gay. I'm a big dyke.
Brian: Oh. What's that like?
Thurgood Jenkins: This money is not for spending, it's for saving! Kenny's sweet virgin ass! You guys spend one more dime I swear I will *bitch*slap you! Gimme that!
[takes a hit from a roach]
Thurgood Jenkins: I'm sorry for yelling. But I'm serious!
Mary Jane Potman: My father's a drug dealer.
Thurgood Jenkins: Wow, that must've been the shit.
Mary Jane Potman: It ruined his life.
Thurgood Jenkins: That must've been shitty.
I'm Only Creative When I Smoke Smoker: Would you like to hear some of my poetry?
Thurgood Jenkins: Not really, no.
I'm Only Creative When I Smoke Smoker: You really should. "I have killed. I have helped kill. I have killed part of myself. I cannot change this. I... I must seek Buddha. I must seek Christ"
Thurgood Jenkins: You must seek therapy. But that's just where I would go with that.
Thurgood Jenkins: I've heard people say you don't get high the first time you smoke. Not me. No-o, not us. WE were really, REALLY high. We was to' up!
Thurgood Jenkins: I'm sexy! I'm a scholar! People like me!
Thurgood Jenkins: [voice over, in reference to weed] You can get this stuff at little corner stores called "bodegas." Say it with me,
["BO-DE-GAS" appears on the screen]
Thurgood Jenkins: Bodegas. Yes, very good.
Employee: [speaking into microphone] One Heffer with cheese.
Scarface: You son of a bitch, I'm right behind you! Turn around and ASK me for a Heffer with cheese, yo! Why you gotta make me feel inferior because I'm workin' the grill, B? Damn!
Employee: [into the microphone] Sorry.
Thurgood Jenkins: Oh my goodness! Now that is a titty! That's what I'm talkin' 'bout!
Brian: Bully! That's a certified fully!
Sir-Smoke-Alot: Bitch! You know what I want! Hahahahaha! I wanna talk to Samson! Fly me to the moon like that bitch Alice Kramden! 'Cause it's hard being black and gifted! Sometimes I wanna throw it all down and get lifted!
Thurgood Jenkins: I love weed, LOVE IT! But not as much as I love pussy!
Thurgood Jenkins: If I wasn't from Jamaica, then why would I be wearing this hat?
Cop: This horse is a diabetic!
Thurgood Jenkins: If you ever need a guinea pig, let me know. My grandfather was in the Tuskegee experiments.
Scientist: [Nervously] Oh really...
Scarface: Yo, that shit must be good, B. My boy hasn't coughed like that since back in the day yo!
Thurgood Jenkins: [Narrating] And then you got your straight-up potheads. You can spot these people by their lack of motivation, mood swings, forgetfulness and, of course, the dreaded low sperm count.
Brian: [after burying Killer] What happened, man?
Scarface: You wanna know what happened? I'll tell you what happened. Samson and his girls came rollin' up in here lookin' for me. 'Cause they said they was gonna mess me up if I didn't bring them Mr. Nice Guy. So they probably ruffed The Guy up, then they started going to war with the apartment. They got num-chuks, bolos, they be doin' Indian burns... and Killer paid the price, yo. You know, he got the wrath. He got the wrath of the num-chuks, yo!