Bethany: What's he like?
Metatron: God? Lonely. But funny. He's got a great sense of humor. Take sex for example. There's nothing funnier than the ridiculous faces you people make mid-coitus.
Bethany: Sex is a joke in heaven?
Metatron: The way I understand it, it's mostly a joke down here, too.
Metatron: Tell a person that you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charlton Heston movie and suddenly everybody is a theology scholar.
Jay: Yo man, tell me something about me.
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet.
Jay: Aw fuck, everyone knows that. Tell me something nobody knows.
Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
[a shocked Silent Bob stares at Jay]
Jay: Dude, not all the time.
Rufus: He still digs humanity, but it bothers Him to see the shit that gets carried out in His name - wars, bigotry, televangelism. But especially the factioning of all the religions. He said humanity took a good idea and, like always, built a belief structure on it.
Bethany: Having beliefs isn't good?
Rufus: I think it's better to have ideas. You can change an idea. Changing a belief is trickier...
Jay: [Bethany, Jay, and Silent Bob are sitting in a diner; the guys are staring at Bethany expectantly] So what's up? You have a friend for Silent Bob or are you just gonna do us both? If so, I'm first. I hate sloppy seconds.
Bethany: You're a man of principle. Jersey's pretty far from McHenry, may I ask what brought you here?
Jay: Some fuck named John Hughes.
Bethany: "16 Candles" John Hughes?
Jay: You know that guy too? That fuckin' guy. He made this flick, "16 Candles". Not bad, there's tits in it but no bush. But Ebert over here don't give a shit about that kind of thing, 'cause he's like, all in love with this John Hughes guy.
[Silent Bob shakes his head with a "whatever" look on his face]
Jay: He goes out and rents, like, every one of his movies. Fuckin' "Breakfast Club", where all these stupid kids actually show up for detention. Fuckin' "Weird Science", where this babe wants to take her gear off and get down, but oh no, she don't, 'cause it's a PG movie. And then "Pretty in Pink", which I can't even watch with this tubby bitch anymore 'cause every time he gets to the part where the redhead hooks up with her dream guy, he starts sobbin' like a little bitch with a skinned knee and shit. And there's nothing worse than watching a fuckin' fat man weep.
[Silent Bob blows out his cigarette smoke angrily]
Bethany: What exactly brought you to Illinois?
Jay: See, all these movies take place in this small town called Shermer in Illinois, where all the honeys are top-shelf but all the dudes are whiny pussies. Except for Judd Nelson, he was fuckin' harsh.
[he and Silent Bob bump fists]
Jay: But best of all, there was no one dealin', man. And then it hits me: we could live like FAT rats if we were the blunt connection in Shermer, Illinois. So we collected some money we were owed and caught a bus. But you know what the fuck we found out when we got there? There IS no Shermer in Illinois. Movies are fuckin' bullshit.
Metatron: You people. If there isn't a movie about it, it's not worth knowing, is it?
Hospital P. A.: I repeat, this is not a drill. This is the apocalypse. Please exit the hospital in an orderly fashion. Thank you.
Gun Salesman: We call this piece the Fecalator. One look at it and the target shits him or herself. Try it on.
Loki: Well, it's a lot more compact than the flaming sword, but it's not nearly as impressive. Just doesn't have that Wrath-of-the-Almighty edge to it. I mean, come on, how am I supposed to strike fear into the hearts of the wicked with this thing? Look at this...
Bartleby: Well, then, you know, don't use a gun. Just lay the place to waste, like.
Loki: Easy for you to say. You get off light in razing. You got to stand there and read at Sodom and Gomorrah, I had to do all the work.
Bartleby: What work did you do? You lit a few fires.
Loki: I rained down sulphur, man, there's a subtle difference.
Bartleby: Oh, yeah, I'm sure.
Loki: Hey, you know, fuck you, man. Any moron with a pack of matches can set a fire. Raining down sulphur is like an endurance trial man. Mass genocide is the most exhausting activity one can engage in, next to soccer.
Loki: Do you know what makes a human being decent? Fear. And therein lies the problem. None of you has anything left to fear anymore. You rest comfortably in seats of inscrutable power, hiding behind your false idol, far from judgment, lives shrouded in secrecy even from one another. But not from God.
Bartleby: The humans have besmirched everything bestowed on them. They were given Paradise, they threw it away. They were given this planet, they destroyed it. They were favored best among all His endeavors, and some of them don't even believe He exists. And in spite of it all, He's shown them infinite fucking patience at every turn. What about us? I asked you... once to lay down the sword because I felt sorry for them. What was the result? Our expulsion from Paradise. WHERE WAS HIS INFINITE FUCKING PATIENCE THEN? IT'S NOT RIGHT, IT'S NOT FAIR. We've paid our debt. Don't you think it's time? Don't you think its time we went home? and to do that, I think we have to dispatch of our would-be dispatchers.
Bartleby: Hello, we'd like two tickets to New Jersey, please.
Bus Station Attendant: Jersey's sold out, sir.
Bus Station Attendant: There's one at the same time tomorrow. I suggest you not underestimate the staggering drawing power of the Garden State, and show up two hours in advance.
Rufus: You know what the dead do with most of their time? They watch the living. Especially in the shower.
Jay: I can't wait to die.
[Loki & Bartleby enter a crowded elevator]
Loki: Last four days on Earth? Hm! If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. We can do the next best thing.
Bartleby: What's that?
Loki: Well, let's kill people.
[woman standing between them chokes on her coffee]
Loki: [chuckling, to woman, as the elevator doors close] Oh, not you.
Liz: He said that faith is like a glass of water. When you're young, the glass is small, and it's easy to fill up. But the older you get, the bigger the glass gets, and the same amount of liquid doesn't fill it anymore. Periodically, the glass has to be refilled.
Bethany: You're suggesting I need to get filled?
Liz: In more ways than one. You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane. You need a man, if only for ten minutes.
Bethany: It's been my experience that the average male is never a man. Not even for ten minutes in his entire lifespan.
Liz: That'a a bit militant. You thinking of joining the other side?
Bethany: Couldn't do it. Women are insane.
Liz: Then YOU need to go back to church and ask God for a third option.
Bethany: I think that God is dead.
Liz: The sign of a true Catholic.
Azrael: No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater... than central air.
[the Stygian Triplets close in on Bethany]
Jay: Snootch to the motherfuckin' nootch!
[Jay and Silent Bob kick the Triplets' asses]
Nun: Let me get this straight: you don't believe in God because of "Alice in Wonderland"?
Loki: No, "Through the Looking Glass". That poem, "The Walrus and the Carpenter," that's an indictment of organized religion. The walrus, with his girth and his good nature, he obviously represents either Buddha, or, or with his tusks, the Hindu elephant god, Lord Ganesha. That takes care of your Eastern religions. Now the carpenter, which is an obvious reference to Jesus Christ, who was raised a carpenter's son, he represents the Western religions. Now in the poem, what do they do? What do they do? They, they dupe all these oysters into following them and then proceed to shuck and devour the helpless creatures en masse. I don't know what that says to you, but to me it says that following these faiths based on mythological figures ensures the destruction of one's inner being. Organized religion destroys who we are by inhibiting our actions, by inhibiting our decisions out of, out of fear of some, some intangible parent figure who, who shakes a finger at us from thousands of years ago and says, and says, "Do it... do it and I'll fuckin' spank you."
Bartleby: [Bartleby is listening from a nearby seat]
Bartleby: Oh, geez...
Nun: The way you put it... I never really thought about it like that before. What have I been doing with my life? What am I...
Loki: Yeah, I know. Listen, my advice to you: you take this money that you've been collecting for your parish, go get yourself a nice dress, you know? Fix yourself up. Find some man, find some woman, that you can connect with, even for a moment, 'cause that's really all that life is, Sister. It's a series of moments. Why don't you seize yours?
[the nun hesitates, then smiles, nods, and leaves]
Loki: That-a girl. Ah.
[he turns around and sits next to Bartleby with a grin on his face]
Bartleby: You know, here's what I don't get about you. You know for a fact that there is a God. You've been in His presence. He's spoken to you personally. Yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist.
Loki: I just like to fuck with the clergy, man. I just love it, I love to keep those guys on their toes.
Rufus: Are you saying you believe?
Bethany: No. But I have a good idea.
Jay: Get offa me. I wanna see what's up. What the fuck is this shit? Who the fuck are you, lady? Why the fuck did you hug my head?
Metatron: Quite a little mouth on him, isn't there?
Jay: What the fuck is this, The Piano? Why ain't this broad talking?
Metatron: I believe the answers that you seek lie within my companion's eyes.
Jay: What the fuck does that mean? Has everyone gone fuckin' nuts? What the fuck happened to that guy's head? I want some...
[God kisses him on the cheek. Jay faints]
[Silent Bob hits Azrael in the chest with a blessed golf-club - his chest shatters, revealing black ooze]
Azrael: But I'm a fuckin' demon.
Bethany: I don't mean to sound ungrateful... but what are you doing hanging around?
Jay: We're here to pick up chicks.
Bethany: Excuse me?
Jay: We figure an abortion clinic is a good place to meet loose women. Why else would they be there unless they like to fuck?
Jay: I feel like I'm Han Solo, and you're Chewie, and she's Ben Kenobi, and we're in that fucked-up bar.
[after throwing Bartleby and Loki off a train; a la Indiana Jones]
Silent Bob: No ticket.
Metatron: Human beings have neither the aural nor the psychological capacity to withstand the awesome power of God's true voice. Were you to hear it, your mind would cave in and your heart would explode within your chest. We went through five Adams before we figured that one out.
Jay: The whole fucking world's against us, dude, I swear to God.
[Jay drives Bethany's car; the motor shrieks]
Bethany: What gear are you in?
Rufus: What He really hates is the shit that gets carried out in his name. Wars. Bigotry. Televangelism.
Serendipity: Leave it to the Catholics to destroy existence.
Bethany: Wait a minute. Christ. You know Christ?
Rufus: Knew him? Shit, nigga owes me 12 bucks!
Serendipity: Bethany, you of anyone should know that tits dont make a woman. As you can see, I lack definition.
Jay: [off the screen] Hey! They're getting a free show! Let me see that shit!
Rufus: In the three years I followed His ass around Jerusalem, did I ever get laid? Hell no. And I was in my prime. I could've been knee-deep in shepherd's daughters, not to mention fine-ass Mary Magdalene. She had a thing for dark meat, if you follow me.
Serendipity: I'm responsible for nineteen of the twenty top-grossing films of all time.
Serendipity: Yeah, the one about the kid, by himself in his house, burglars trying to get in and he fights them off? I had nothing to do with that one. Somebody sold their soul to Satan to get the grosses up on that piece of shit.
Serendipity: Read the Bible again sometime. Women are painted as bigger antagonists than the Egyptians and Romans combined. It stinks.
Jay: [to the Stygian triplets] Go back to your paper routes, you Mighty Duck fucks.
[about the protesters outside the Abortion Clinic]
Liz: You're Catholic, can't you talk to them?
Bethany: They hate me more than you. At least you have an excuse, you're Jewish, you don't know any better.
Liz: I don't think they'd accept that one, we used that one already when we killed Christ.
Rufus: Very basic strategy. If your enemies know where you are, then don't be there.
[after Rufus has fallen from the sky]
Bethany: Speaking of which, you're awfully nude. Rufus, is it?
Rufus: Yes, Rufus it is. It's usually 'Long Rufus' but it's a little cold out here, you understand
Bartleby: You know, maybe you're wrong about this slaughter thing. How can you even be sure what incurs the Lord's wrath these days? Times change. I remember when eating meat on a Friday was supposed to be a Hell-worthy trespass.
Loki: The major sins never change. Besides, you know, I can spot a commandment-breaker from, like, a mile away. So, bet on it.
Bartleby: This from the guy who still owes me 10 bucks over that bet about what was gonna be the bigger movie - "E. T. " or "Krush Groove"?
Loki: You know, fuck you, man, 'cause time's gonna tell on that one.
Loki: What, are you insinuating that I don't have what it takes anymore?
Bartleby: Insinuating, no. Flat-out telling you.
Bartleby: Ladies and gentlemen, you have been judged guilty of sinning against our almighty God, and I promise you, you shall pay for your trespasses, in blood!
[he rips open his shirt to reveal a silver breastplate]
Bartleby: Wings, now.
Loki: I'm feeling a little exposed here...
Bartleby: DO IT!
Jay: I know they were just kids, but we kicked their fucken pube-less asses!
Azrael: Get me a... Holy Bartender.
Bartender: Never heard of it.
Azrael: Ahh, he doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender. You do, don't you, Muse?
Azrael: Ahh, anybody? No?
[Jay and Silent Bob shake their heads]
Azrael: Well, I know how to make a Holy Bartender...
[Azrael pulls out an uzi, shoots the bartender repeatedly, then laughs hysterically]
Azrael: Get it?
Serendipity: [restrained by the Stygian triplets who have suddenly appeared] Sweet Jesus, Azrael why?
Rufus: Come on, demon, I wanna see you try that shit on someone who's already dead!
Azrael: Now, now, apostle, you maintain that kind of an attitude and you and the barkeep won't be the only corpses in the room. The Christ bitch will join you.
[referring to Bethany]
Jay: [face lights up] Oh... wait. I get it. Holy Bartender! Ha, ha, ha!
Metatron: Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears right about now.
Metatron: I am to charge you with a holy crusade.
Bethany: For the record, I work in an abortion clinic.
Metatron: Noah was a drunk. Look what he accomplished. And no one's even asking you to build an ark. All you have to do is go to New Jersey, and visit a small church on a very important day.
Bethany: New Jersey? That doesn't sound like much of a crusade.
Metatron: Aside from the fine print, that's it.
Bethany: What's the fine print?
Metatron: [mumbling into glass] Stopacoupleofangelsfromenteringandthusnegatingallexistence.
Bethany: Wait, wait, wait. Repeat that.
Metatron: Stop a couple of angels from entering and thus negating all existence. I hate when people need it spelled out for them.
Jay: Heh, me lead you? Lady look at me, I don't even know where the hell I am half the time!
Metatron: However, if you should decide to stop being selfish and accept your responsibility, you won't be alone. You'll have support.
Bethany: What, more angels?
Metatron: Prophets. in a manner of speaking... two of them. The one who speaks... and he will, at great lengths, whether you want him to or not... will make mention of himself as a prophet. The other one... well... doesn't speak. He's the quiet type
Serendipity: Can you believe it? Me - a muse, for God's sake. I can take anyone I meet and give a zillion and nine ideas a second, but I can't keep any for myself.
Bethany: no dialog
Serendipity: Her quirky sense of humor.
Serendipity: I have issues with anyone who treats G-d as a burden instead of a blessing. You people don't celebrate your faith; you mourn it.
[Bethany decides to accompany Jay and Silent Bob to New Jersey]
Bethany: I want to go with you.
Jay: What, steady? You want to be my girlfriend OK, but Silent Bob gets to live with us and you pay the rent.
Metatron: [Bethany hears a noise in her closet at night. She reaches under her bed and pulls out a baseball bat. Flames suddenly erupt in the middle of the room] Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God. Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God.
[Bethany runs to her closet, pulls out a fire extinguisher]
Metatron: Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true G -
[Bethany douses the fire]
Metatron: Oh, G -
[Metatron coughs repeatedly and emerges from the smoke as Bethany rushes back to the bed and grabs the bat again]
Metatron: Agh! Sweet Jesus, did you have to use the whole can?
Bethany: [brandishing the bat] Who the fuck are you and what the fuck are you doing in my room?
Metatron: I'm the one that's soaked and she's the one that's surly, that's rich. Stupid fucking... Christ...
Bethany: Get the fuck out of here! NOW!
Metatron: Or you'll do what, exactly? Hit me with that ffffffish?
[Bethany realizes she's holding a large fish, and drops it in shock]
Metatron: Now, just sit down on the bed and shut up. Jesus wept... look at my suit!
Bethany: Look, just take whatever you want, but don't kill or rape me.
Metatron: Oh, get over it, will you? I couldn't rape you if I wanted to. Angels are ill-equipped.
[he drops his pants to show blank skin where his genitals should be]
Metatron: See? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll. Now make yourself useful and gimme that towel, will you?
[Bethany tosses it to him and he starts wiping his clothes dry]
Metatron: Honestly, you bottom feeders and your arrogance, you think everybody's just trying to get in your knickers.
Bethany: What are you?
Metatron: I'm pissed off, is what I am! Do you go around drenching everybody that comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.
Serendipity: When are you people going to learn? It's not about who's right or wrong. No denomination's nailed it yet, because they're all too self-righteous to realize that it doesn't matter what you have faith in, just that you have faith. Your hearts are in the right place, but your brains gotta to wake up.
Loki: Church laws are fallible because they're created by man.
Bethany: You were martyred?
Rufus: That's one way of putting it. Another way of putting it would be to say that I was bludgeoned to shit by big fucking rocks.
[Bethany and Rufus find Jay and Silent Bob at a strip club]
Bethany: What are you doing?
Jay: Proving to this bastard I ain't gay.
Rufus: Long story, forget it.
[about Azrael's neutrality in the Holy Conflict]
Jay: What are you, some kind of fucking chicken?
Azrael: No, I was an ARTIST, STUPID! I WAS INSPIRATION! A muse has no place in battle!
Serendipity: So after the fallen were banished to hell, God turned on those who wouldn't fight, and Azrael was sent down with the demons.
Serendipity: Something he considers a GRAVE injustice!
Azrael: Ah, come on! Don't tell me you NEVER questioned the judgement, Serendipity.
Serendipity: No. It never bothered me. So you were an artist! Big deal! Elvis was an artist. But that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. And that's why he's The King, and you're a schmuck.
[Standing beside Bethany's car, its engine burned out]
Jay: Like I ever drove before...
Rufus: You are the great great great GREAT great grand-niece of Jesus Christ.
Jay: So that would make Bethany... part black?
Bethany: I don't want this, it's too big.
Metatron: That's what Jesus said. Yes, I had to tell him. And you can imagine how that hurt the Father - not to be able to tell the Son Himself because one word from His lips would destroy the boy's frail human form? So I was forced to deliver the news to a scared child who wanted nothing more than to play with other children. I had to tell this little boy that He was God's only Son, and that it meant a life of persecution and eventual crucifixion at the hands of the very people He came to enlighten and redeem. He begged me to take it back, as if I could. He begged me to make it all not true. And I'll let you in on something, Bethany, this is something I've never told anyone before... If I had the power, I would have.
Bartleby: [while Loki is laying waste to the Mooby board room, Bartelby is sitting in the lounge reading "Mooby Magazine"] I cant believe we forgot about the magazine.
Loki: [to the female Mooby employee after shooting the board members] Gum? Oh these guys, they were fakes You're a pure soul. You have nothing to worry about.
[holds his gun up]
Loki: But you did not say "God bless you" when I sneezed.
Bartleby: [yelling off camera] LOKI!
Loki: You're getting off light!
Jay: [after he and Silent Bob join a gang and the Golgothan poop monster is heading towards them] Smoke that motherfucker like it aint no thang!
Metatron: Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're talking to themselves.
Metatron: So once he's done with the firstborn, Loki takes his friend Bartleby out for a post-slaughter drink. And over many rounds, they get into this discussion about whether or not murder in the name of God is okay. And in the end, Bartleby convinces Loki to quit his position and take a lesser one that doesn't involve slaughter. So - very inebriated - Loki tells God he quits, throws down his fiery sword, and gives Him the finger. Which ruins it for the rest of us, because from that day forward, God decreed that all angels could no longer imbibe alcohol. Hence all the spitting.
Bethany: Were they sent to Hell?
Metatron: Worse. Wisconsin. For the entire span of human history.
Bethany: I don't know what to say... or think... except...
Jay: That you offer us sex as a reward.
Jay: All right, but let's say we're caught in a situation where we've got like five minutes to live, like a bomb or something is gonna go off. Would you fuck us then?
Bethany: In that highly unlikely situation? Yeah, sure.
Jay: She's a slut. Bunnnng.
Jay: She's fucking pissed, dude. She'll never fuck us now. Well, maybe you, but definitely not me. Even though you know how she is.
Bethany Sloane: NOBODY IS FUCKING ME! YOU GOT THAT!
Jay: Guys like us just don't fall out of the fucking sky, you know.
[Rufus falls out of the sky]
Jay: Beautiful, naked, big-titted women just don't fall out of the sky, you know.
Rufus: Hey! What I just did gave me a fucking migraine! So if you don't pipe down, I'm going to yank your sack off like a paper towel.
Rufus: White folks only want to hear the good shit: life eternal, a place in God's Heaven. But as soon as they hear they're getting this good shit from a black Jesus, they freak. And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your Savior.
Bartleby: Your hard-on for smiting has prevented us from negotiating what should be the relatively simple matter of catching or staying on a bus.
Rufus: He likes to listen to people talk. Says it sounds like music to Him. Christ loved to sit around the fire and listen to me and the other guys. Whenever we were going on about unimportant shit, He always had a smile on His face.
Rufus: The Man loved being human. Probably why He was so good at it.
Bethany: Jesus didn't have any brothers or sisters. Mary was a virgin.
Rufus: Mary gave birth to CHRIST without having known a man's touch, that's true. But she did have a husband. And do you really think he'd have stayed married to her all those years if he wasn't getting laid? The nature of God and the Virgin birth, those are leaps of faith. But to believe a married couple never got down? Well, that's just plain gullibility.
Metatron: You are Bethany Sloane. Nobody can take that away from you, not even God.
Metatron: You know those constitutionals He likes to take?
Bethany Sloane: Constitutionals?
Rufus: I think we're beyond euphemisms at this point: God's a Skee-Ball fanatic.
Rufus: So what do we do now?
Metatron: Well, I say we get drunk, because I'm all out of ideas.
Rufus: We were sent by Him who is called I Am!
Cardinal Glick: Cute. Really cute. Now come on, kids, playtime with the Cardinal is over.
Rufus: Worked for Moses.
Rufus: I'm telling you, man, this ceremony is a big mistake.
Cardinal Glick: The Catholic Church does not make mistakes.
Rufus: Please. What about the Church's silent consent to the slave trade?
Bethany: And its platform of noninvolvement during the Holocaust?
Cardinal Glick: All right, mistakes were made.
Serendipity: How? That's the only thing I couldn't figure out.
Azrael: Oh no, I've seen way too many Bond movies to know that you never reveal all the details of your plan, no matter how close you may think you are to winning.
[Bartleby and Loki slaughter parishioners outside a church]
Loki: You're looking at eons of repression getting purged. If only they'd let us jerk off.
Azrael: Now if I remember my protocol correctly, the powers will attempt to contact the Last Scion - which leaves us no other recourse than to eliminate her before she enters the fray. I need you three to shuffle her loose the mortal coil,
[Silent Bob kills Azrael with Cardinal Glick's golf club]
Bethany: Glick's the kind of asshole that would bless his own clubs for a better game.
Bethany: Stall Bartleby from going into that church.
Jay: How the hell am I supposed to do that?
Bethany: Think of something.
Jay: I already did, but it takes two of us.
[after meeting God]
Jay: You want to hear something sick? I got half a stock when she kissed me.
Jay: [after the cast and crew credits] So... does that mean Bethany's... part black?
Azrael: Quit killing people, that's high profile.
Loki: Oh, lighten up.
Bethany: What are you?
Metatron: I'm pissed off is what I am! Do you go around drenching everyone who comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single.
Rufus: Jesus wasn't white, Jesus was black.
Bethany: Well then why did he get written about and you didn't?
Rufus: Well, he IS the son of God. Kinda hard to have a New Testament without him. So you fudge a few facts, put a spin on his ethnicity. Leavin' me out's okay because you still got twelve white boys to choose from.
Jay: Are you buying any of this shit?
Jay: So do you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart if you blast 'em in the ass?
Rufus: [to Bethany] The man was right about you. And I am going to go home and tell him so.
[to Jay And Silent Bob]
Rufus: And if you clean up your language, I JUST might put in a good word for you too.
Silent Bob: Thanks.
[Bethany meets Serendipity]
Bethany: Let me guess. The 14th Apostle, left out of the Bible because she's a woman?
Rufus: This girl's no woman.
Rufus: No offense.
Bethany: Oh, so those weren't tits I saw Jay cozying up to?
Serendipity: [hugs her breasts] What, these? You should know better than anybody at this table that tits don't make the woman.
Rufus: Hell, the tubby coat-wearin' motherfucker's got tits,
Bartleby: Quit leering at me. People are gonna think I just broke up with you.
Announcer: Ladies and Gentlemen, the driving force behind Catholicism WOW, Cardinal Glick.
Cardinal Glick: Thank you, thank you, thank you. Now we all know how the majority and the media in this country view the Catholic church. They think of us as a passe, archaic institution. People find the Bible obtuse... even hokey. Now in an effort to disprove all that the church has appointed this year as a time of renewal... both of faith and of style. For example, the crucifix. While it has been a time honored symbol of our faith, Holy Mother Church has decided to retire this highly recognizable, yet wholly depressing image of our Lord crucified. Christ didn't come to Earth to give us the willies... He came to help us out. He was a booster. And it is with that take on our Lord in mind that we've come up with a new, more inspiring sigil. So it is with great pleasure that I present you with the first of many revamps the "Catholicism WOW. " campaign will unveil over the next year. I give you... The Buddy Christ. Now that's not the sanctioned term we're using for the symbol, just something we've been kicking around the office, but look at it. Doesn't it... pop? Buddy Christ...
Jay: [waking from a dream] I didn't cum on you, Pete, I swear.
Jay: You know, I hear pregnant women can have sex until their third trimester.
Bethany: I'll keep that in mind.
[to the female board member]
Loki: You're a pure soul... but you didn't say "God bless you" when I sneezed.
[raises his gun to the female board member's head]
Loki: [angrily] You're getting off light.
[as he leaves the board room]
Loki: You're so lucky.
Jay: Oh, I'm Jay, and this is my hetero-lifemate Silent Bob. I don't know who those kids were, but they would've kicked yours and Lunchbox's asses if I hadn't represented.
Bartleby: You are responsible for raising an icon which draws worship from the Lord. You have broken the first commandment. Not only that, I'm afraid not a one of you passes for a decent human being. Your continued existence is a mockery of morality. Like you, Mr. Burton. Last year cheated on your wife of 17 years 8 times. You even had sex with her best friend while you were supposed to be home watching the kids.
Loki: In the bed that you and your wife share, no less.
Bartleby: Mr. Newman - you got your girlfriend drunk at last year's Christmas party and then paid a kid from the mail room to have sex with her while she was passed out, just so you could break up with her guilt-free when she sobbingly confessed in the morning. She killed herself two months later. Mr. Brace disowned his gay son. Very compassionate, Mr. Brace. Mr. Ray put his mother in a third-rate nursing home and then used the profits from the sale of her home to buy an oriental rug for himself. Heavens. Mr. Barker flew to Thailand on the company account to have sex with an eleven year old boy. Mr. Holtzman okayed the production of Mooby Dolls from materials he knew to be toxic and unsafe, because it was - survey says? - less costly.
[sees the female board member]
Bartleby: You, on the other hand, are an innocent. You lead a good life. Good for you. But you, Mr. Whitland, you have more skeletons in your closet than the rest of this assembled party. I cannot even mention them aloud.
[whispers something in Whitland's ear]
Loki: You're his father, you sick fuck.
[Whitland starts crying]
[Liz gets out of her car and heads into Women's Clinic; picketers greet her]
Steve-Dave Pulasti: You're gonna burn in hell, ya fuckin' baby killer.
Walter Grover: Yeah, tell her, Steve-Dave.
Liz: Holy shit, it's The Pope.
Bethany Sloane: Why are we here?
God: [pokes Bethany's nose] Nweep.
Bethany Sloane: [shouting] Why? What the fuck do you want with me? I fucking hate you.
Metatron: Behold the Metatron. Herald of the Almighty and voice of the one true God.
Rufus: Are we too late?
Serendipity: To save these poor schmucks?... Yeah.
Jay: I fell in love wit chew. We fell in love wit chew.
Bartleby: I'm going to have to start off by apologizing for my friend, he has a penchant for the dramatic.
Bethany: [on Azrael] So he's a Muse too?
Serendipity: Former Muse.
Serendipity: He was kicked out...
Azrael: Ever the fucking apple polisher!
Loki: Do you know about voodoo? No real doctrin of faith to speak of , more an arrangement of superstitions.
Bethany: So you... what? Inspire people?
Serendipity: What just went down with your friends over there? It doesn't really take a Muse to inspire horny retards to empty their wallets.
Loki: Whose house? Run's house! I said whose house? Run's house! who's house say what run's house say what Martin! Martin!
Loki: I forgot my little voodoo doll.
[looks at Whitland]
Loki: Wow. It really does look just like you. Maybe, if I believed enough...
[pauses, then crushes voodoo doll of Whitland, who is terrified but unharmed]
Loki: [laughs] I don't believe in voodoo.
Loki: [re-enters with a gun] But I do believe in this.
Bethany: But you'll be destroyed too.
Azrael: Human, have you ever been to hell? I'd rather not exist than endure that expirence a secound longer, and if I have to drag down everyone else with me... so be it.
Bethany: So this is all about revenge.
Azrael: After the first couple million years, escape from hell became my all consuming reason
Bethany: Well, I am the last Scion.
Metatron: Actually, you WERE the last Scion. Now this
[puts his hand on Bethany's stomach]
Metatron: is the last Scion.
Bethany: You mean, I'm pregnant?
Jay: You think someone threw him out of a plane with a message written on him like in Con Air? You ever see that flick?
Rufus: Aww man! That sucked!
Jay: [hiding behind silent Bob] It's the living dead! Kill it! Kill it!
Rufus: Con Air? Con Shit!
[Rufus starts walking]
Bethany: Wait a second! Between guys with wings, guys falling out of the sky, and guys trying like hell to fuck me, I think I've been pretty patient so far, and I'm not taking another step until you tell me where the hell you came from!
Rufus: Me? I came from heaven.
[starts walking again]
Loki: Is this why I had to come down here this morning, man? Is this why I had to miss my fucking cartoons? You call me, you tell me it's important, you know. What, to share in your half-assed obsession with Hallmark moment?
Bartleby: We're going home. Somebody sent us this in the mail.
Priest: Well, now please rise for the recession of faith.
Bethany: [to herself looking at the sky] You gotta be kidding me.
Bethany: I didn't ask you out for sex.
Jay: Well, I'll take head.
Jay: [to Bethany] If we're not gonna fuck, then what the fuck did you ask us out for?
Rufus: [about the bible] I'm supposed to be in it. I was the thirteenth apostle.
Rufus: I thought she looked familiar.
Rufus: [to Bethany] Let me give you a little inside information about God
Rufus: People die for it, people kill for it. The whole of existence is in jeopardy right now, because of the Catholic belief structure, regarding this plenary indulgence bullshit. Bartlteby and Loki, whether they know it or not, are exploiting that belief. And if they're successful, you and me, all of this, ends in a heartbeat. All over a belief.
Jay: [smoking a joint] Fuck, man, I think this shit just kicked in.
Bartleby: [to the parishioners] Prepare to taste God's wrath.
Bartleby: [to Officer McGee] Mr. McGee, don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry.
Azrael: [to Silent Bob] Go ahead, pick it up. Call it a gift. Come on, that's it. Take a shot. Take your best fucking shot. No, I'm serious, come on, take it. Come on. Come on, bright boy.
Loki: Wait, so all I gotta do, I walk through the arch thing... and then I can go back home?
Bartleby: No. By walking through the archway, all your sins are forgiven. Then all we have to do is die.
Loki: Die? I don't wanna die!
Bartleby: What, you'd rather hang around here for a few more eons?
Loki: No! We don't even know if we CAN die.
[Bartleby looks exasperated]
Loki: All right, but what if we can and then, and then the arch thing doesn't work? What then? Hell? Fuck that.
Bartleby: It's possible.
Loki: Fuck that!
Bartleby: If we cut off our wings, transubstantiate to complete human form, we become mortal. If we die with clean souls, there's no way they can keep us out. We won't be angels anymore, but at least we get to go home.
Loki: Who sent the paper?
Bartleby: Who cares who sent the paper? All that matters is that after all these years, we found a loophole! They can't keep us out anymore! And once we get back in, I'm sure they'll just forgive and forget.
Loki: But this thing is, this is... this is... this is church law. It's not divine mandate. Catholic Church laws are fallible because they're created by man.
Bartleby: One of the last sacred promises imparted to Peter, the first Pope, by the Son of God before He left was... "Whatever you hold true on earth..."
Loki: "I'll hold true in heaven."
Bartleby: It's dogmatic law. The Catholic Church says it's so, God must adhere, this thing has a papal sanction...
Loki: Let it never be said that your anal-retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results.
Bartleby: You can't be anal-retentive if you don't have an anus.
Loki: Outstanding work!
Rufus: You know death is a worry of the living. The dead like myself only worry about decay and necrophiliacs.
Bartleby: Jesus Christ, Azrael - how'd you get out of Hell?
Azrael: I told them I was coming up on a routine possession.
Metatron: Ohhh, Bartleby. Was Wisconsin really *that* bad?
Jay: [after some time] Hahaha, Holy Bartender! I get it! That's a great one.
[Jay, Silent Bob, Bethany and Rufus are eating breakfast at Mooby's]
Rufus: Man, I remember when all we used to have for breakfast was fish and goat's milk. What do you call this shit?
Bethany: Egga-Mooby muffin.
Rufus: Excuse me, weren't we just in the woods? What are we doing here now?
Metatron: Going out in style.
Rufus: The Voice!
Metatron: [mocking surprise] The apostle.
Bartleby: Don't... See, don't let your sympathies get the best of you, they did me once. Scion or not, she's still just a human, and by passing through that arch, our sins are forgiven, no harm, no foul.
Loki: My God... I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: What did you say?
Loki: I've heard a rant like this before.
Bartleby: Don't you fucking do that to me!
Loki: You sound like the Morning star.
Bartleby: You shut your fucking mouth!
Loki: You do! You sound like Lucifer, man! You've fucking lost it! You're not talking about going home, Bartleby, you're talking about fucking *war* on *God* Well, *fuck* that! I have seen what happens to the proud when they take on the Throne! I'm going back to Wisconsin
Bartleby: [Slams Loki into a wall] We're going home, Loki. And no one, not you, not even the Almighty Himself, is gonna make that otherwise.
Bethany: You're not with the Fight-to-Lifer's?
Jay: You mean those fucks with the signs and pictures of dead babies? Shit no. Me and Silent Bob are pro-choice. A woman's body is her own fucking business.
Jay: Holy shit - you're a Jehovah's Witness! All the fine chicks that come out of that place, and we gotta get the one Jesus freak! Let's go, Silent Bob.
Bethany: No. Wait...
Jay: I'll scream rape.
Jay: We can lay here all comatose like that John Doe Jersey bastard over there, or we can get makin' with the love.
Bethany: What did you say?
Jay: 'Makin' with the love.' It's a nice way of saying boning.
Cardinal Glick: Fill them pews, people, that's the key. Grab the little ones as well. Hook 'em while they're young.
Rufus: Kind of like the tobacco industry?
Cardinal Glick: Christ, if only we had their numbers.