Lotte Schwartz: Don't stand in the way of my actualization as a man.
Craig Schwartz: Nobody's looking for a puppeteer in today's wintry economic climate.
Craig Schwartz: Do you know what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is?
Craig Schwartz: There's a tiny door in my office, Maxine. It's a portal and it takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes... and then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out... into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike.
Maxine: Sounds great! Who the fuck is John Malkovich?
Craig Schwartz: Oh, he's an actor. He's one of the great American actors of the 20th century.
Maxine: Oh yeah? What's he been in?
Craig Schwartz: Lots of things. That jewel thief movie, for example. He's very well respected. Anyway, the point is... this is a very odd thing. It's supernatural, for lack of a better word. I mean, it raises all sorts of philosophical-type questions, you know... about the nature of self, about the existence of a soul. You know, am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? I had a piece of wood in my hand Maxine. I don't have it any more. Where is it? Did it disappear? How could that be? Is it still in Malkovich's head? I don't know! Do you see what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is? I don't see how I could go on living my life the way I've lived it before.
[Maxine gestures toward a 7.5 story high window]
Floris: Welcome to Lestercorp. How may we meet your filing needs?
Craig Schwartz: No, no. Um... my name's Craig Schwartz. I have an interview with Dr. Lester.
Floris: Oh. Please have a seat, Mr. Juarez.
Craig Schwartz: Schwartz.
Craig Schwartz: Schwartz.
Floris: I- I'm sorry. I have no idea what you're saying to me right now.
Craig Schwartz: My name is Schwartz.
Floris: "My name is Warts"?
[Craig takes a seat]
Floris: [intercom beeps] Mr. Juarez?
[Craig doesn't respond at first]
Craig Schwartz: Oh. Yes?
Craig Schwartz: I said, "Yes?"
Floris: You suggest what? I'm sorry I have no time for piddling suggestions from mumbling job applicants. Besides, Dr. Lester will see you now.
Craig Schwartz: You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes. Then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike!
Charlie: Truth is for suckers, Johnny Boy.
John Malkovich: The weird thing is, this Maxine likes to call me "Lotte".
Charlie: Ouch. That is hot. Maybe she's using you to channel some dead lesbian lover. Sounds like my kind of gal. Let me know when you're done with her, yeah?
John Malkovich: What are you talking about, "Done with her", man? Tonight really freaked me out!
Dr. Lester: She's got her doctorate in speech impedimentology from Case Western.
Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls.
Maxine: You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people!
Maxine: Meet you in Malkovich in one hour.
[a truck drives by and the driver hits Malkovich's head with a can]
Driver: Hey Malkovich, think fast!
Guy in Restaurant: 'Scuse me.
John Malkovich: Mm-hmm?
Guy in Restaurant: Are you John Malkovich?
John Malkovich: Yes, I am.
Guy in Restaurant: Wow! You're really, uh, great in that movie...
John Malkovich: Oh?
Guy in Restaurant: ...where you play that retard.
John Malkovich: Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.
Guy in Restaurant: I have a cousin... who's a retard.
John Malkovich: Oh, thank you.
Guy in Restaurant: Yeah. So, um... as you might imagine, it... means a lot to me to see... retards... portrayed, uh, on the silver screen so compassionately.
John Malkovich: Well, thank you very much, I appreciate it.
Maxine: Craig, I don't find you attractive, but Lotte, I'm smitten with you. I am... but only when you're in Malkovich. When I was with him last night, I was looking into his eyes and could sense your feminine longing.
John Malkovich: I have seen a world that NO man should see!
Craig Schwartz: Really? Because for most people it's a rather enjoyable experience.
John Malkovich: This portal is mine and must be sealed up forever. For the love of God.
Craig Schwartz: With all respect, sir, I discovered that portal. Its my livelihood.
John Malkovich: It's my head, Schwartz, and I'll see you in court!
[Malkovich trudges off along the shoulder of the turnpike]
Craig Schwartz: [calling after him] And who's to say I won't be seeing what you're seeing... in court?
Craig Schwartz: Can I buy you a drink, Maxine?
Maxine: Are you married?
Craig Schwartz: Yes, but enough about me.
John Malkovich: Did you call me Lotte?
Maxine: Yeah, do you mind?
John Malkovich: No, not really.
Dr. Lester: I've been very lonely in my isolated tower of indecipherable speech.
Maxine: Have you ever had two people look at you, with complete lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes?
Charlie: Hot lesbian witches! It's fucking genius!
[During a job interview]
Dr. Lester: Which of these two letters comes first, this one or this one?
Craig Schwartz: The symbol on the left is not a letter, sir?
Dr. Lester: Damn, you're good. I was trying to trick you.
Dr. Lester: Any questions?
Craig Schwartz: Just one. Why are these ceilings so low?
Dr. Lester: Low overhead, my boy - we pass the savings on to you! But seriously, that'll all be covered in the orientation.
Maxine: Tell me a little about yourself.
Craig Schwartz: Well, I'm a puppeteer...
Maxine: [turns to bartender] Check!
Craig Schwartz: You don't know how lucky you are being a monkey. Because consciousness is a terrible curse. I think. I feel. I suffer. And all I ask in return is the opportunity to do my work. And they won't allow it... because I raise issues.
Craig Schwartz: If I can guess your name in three tries, you have to come have a drink with me tonight.
Maxine: Why not?
Craig Schwartz: Okay. You look like a... BarrrRuuu - BellllLuuuu - Lllll - Carolllll - Taaaa-Sharrr - - SusaaannnEmmmmilllly - - Marr - laaarr - Maax... ine - M-M-M - Maxine?
Maxine: Yeah! Who told you?
Craig Schwartz: Nobody told me. That just came out. Isn't that odd?
Lotte Schwartz: I think it's kinda sexy that John Malkovich has a portal, y'know, sort of like, it's like, like he has a vagina. It's sort of vaginal, y'know, like he has a, he has a penis AND a vagina. I mean, it's sort of like... Malkovich's... feminine side. I like that.
First J.M. Inc. Customer: Now when you say that I can be somebody else, whaddya mean exactly?
Craig Schwartz: Well, we mean exactly that. We can put you inside someone else's body, for fifteen minutes.
First J.M. Inc. Customer: Can I be anybody that I wanna be?
Craig Schwartz: Well, you... actually...
Maxine: You can be John Malkovich.
First J.M. Inc. Customer: Perfect! It's... my... second choice, but it's wonderful. I'm a fat man. I'm sad and I...
Maxine: Two hundred dollars.
[Lotte comes home late at night]
Craig Schwartz: You were him, weren't you?
Lotte Schwartz: Yeah.
Craig Schwartz: And he was with her!
Lotte Schwartz: We love her, Craig.
Craig Schwartz: We?
Lotte Schwartz: John and me.
Craig Schwartz: I was thinking about what you were saying the other day, about the orientation film being bullshit.
Craig Schwartz: I think maybe you're on to something.
Maxine: And fifty other lines to get into a girl's pants.
Maxine: Here's the thing: If you ever get me, you wouldn't have a clue what to do with me.
Dr. Lester: Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz.
Craig Schwartz: Oh, no.
Dr. Lester: If I was 80 years younger, I'd box your ears.
Craig Schwartz: I wasn't toying with her sir, I wouldn't - pardon me, how old are you, sir?
Dr. Lester: 105. Carrot juice, lots of it. I swear, sometimes it's not worth it. I piss orange. I have to piss sitting down like a goddamn girlie-girl every fifteen minutes.
Craig Schwartz: I like you, I don't know what it is about you.
Maxine: My tits?
Craig Schwartz: No! No, no, no.
Craig Schwartz: It's your energy, your attitude, you know, the way you carry yourself.
Maxine: You're not a fag, are you?
Craig Schwartz: No, I am really attracted to you.
Maxine: "No, I am really attracted to you", Christ, you are a fag. Okay, we can share recipes if you like, darling.
Craig Schwartz: No, no, I love your tits, love 'em, I wanna fondle 'em.
Maxine: Great, now we're getting somewhere. Not a chance.
Maxine: You're not someone I could get interested in, Craig, you play with dolls.
Charlie: You're nuts to let a girl go that calls you Lotte, I tell you that as a friend.
Craig Schwartz: What happens when a man goes through his own portal?
Dr. Lester: Hello, Mr. Juarez.
Craig Schwartz: Dr. Lester, My name is Craig Schwartz, a small mixup with your secretary...
Dr. Lester: [into intercom] Security!
Craig Schwartz: [as Maxine Puppet] Tell me, Craig, why do you like puppetering?
Craig Schwartz: [as Craig Puppet] Well Maxine, I'm not sure exactly. Perhaps the idea of becoming someone else for a little while. Being inside another skin - thinking differently, moving differently, feeling differently.
Craig Schwartz: [as Maxine Puppet] Interesting, Craig...
Lotte Schwartz: Suck my dick!
Dr. Lester: My spunk is to you manna from heaven...
Larry the Agent: John! Great to see you! Sorry about the cunt at reception.
Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): This is my fiancée Maxine.
Larry the Agent: Great to see you, Maxine. Sorry about the cunt at reception. Please have a seat.
Craig Schwartz: I've fallen in love, and this is what people who've fallen in love look like.
Maxine: Well, you picked the unrequited variety. It's very bad for the skin.
Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): There is truth, and there are lies, and art always tells the truth. Even when it's lying.
Lotte Schwartz: Craig, honey, it's time for bed.
[fade out and in]
Orrin Hatch the bird: Craig, honey, time to get up, Craig, honey, time to get up, Craig, honey, time to get up, Craig, honey, time to get up,
Craig Schwartz: Lotte...
Lotte Schwartz: I'm sorry. I didn't know Orrin Hatch was out of his cage.
Craig Schwartz: [voiceover] Maxine. Maxine, I love you, Maxine. Oh, look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away. Look away.
Maxine: Let's have sex on his table and then make him eat an omelette off of it.
John Malkovich: NO!
[Craig regains control]
Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): Shut up, you overrated piece of shit.
Craig Schwartz: [watching the puppeteer with the giant puppet on TV] Gimmicky bastard!
Lotte Schwartz: We love her, Craig.
Craig Schwartz: We?
Lotte Schwartz: John and me.
Craig Schwartz: Don't forget about me!
Lotte Schwartz: Well you have a Maxine action figure to play with!
[gazing longingly at Craig as he does the filing]
Floris: Oh, what magic those fingers could work on the right cabinet! Maybe you could alphabetize me. And remember, 'I' comes before 'U'.
[Answering the phone]
Maxine: J.M. Inc.: Be all that someone else can be.
Craig Schwartz: [watching the puppeteer with the giant puppet on TV] Gimmicky bastard...
Dr. Lester: Ah to be a young man again, eh, Schwartz? "laughs" maybe then Floris would care for me.
Craig Schwartz: But the elderly have so much to offer, sir. they're our link with history.
Dr. Lester: I don't want to be your goddamn link, damn you.I want to feel Floris' naked thighs next to mine. I want my body to inspire lust in that beautiful complex women. I want her to shiver with a spasm of ecstasy, Schwartz, as I penetrate her...
Craig Schwartz: Dr. Lester, while I'm flattered you would share your feeling with me, perhaps the workplace is not the most suitable environment for this type of discussion.
Dr. Lester: All right, your right. All right I tell you what: Meet me after work today at Jerry's juiceteria on lex, and I'll spill my goddamn guts for you.
Maxine: Meet me at the Stuck Pig... at eight o'clock. If you're late, I walk.