Ronald Quincy: I know the presidents' chief scientific advisor, we were at MIT together. And, in a situation like this, you-you really don't wanna take the advice from a man who got a C minus in astrophysics. The presidents' advisors are... wrong. I'm right.
Rockhound: You know we're sitting on four million pounds of fuel, one nuclear weapon and a thing that has 270,000 moving parts built by the lowest bidder. Makes you feel good, doesn't it?
Grace Stamper: Listen, Harry, A.J. is my choice - my choice and not yours.
Harry Stamper: He's the only one in your age bracket, Grace. It's not a choice, it's a lack of options.
Lev Andropov: It's stuck, yes?
Watts: Back off! You don't know the components!
Lev Andropov: [annoyed] Components. American components, Russian Components, ALL MADE IN TAIWAN!
Watts: [showing a video] Neil Armstrong, 1969, bouncing on the moon. He's bouncing because there's less gravity up there than on Earth. This will be similar to the asteroid. So, watch it. Something gets launched off that asteroid with enough force, it's gonna keep on going, right into outer space.
Oscar: [to Bear] What is the deal? Is it just me, or is Watts really hot?
Bear: [nods] Yeah.
Watts: So we have these new generation suits. With directional accelerant thrusters. You won't bounce like Neil Armstrong.
[seeing that Bear is not paying attention]
Watts: Do we have a problem?
Watts: 'Cause I'm trying to describe to you how these DATs keep your ass on the ground, so that if I were to kick you in the balls, and you don't know how to work them, what happens to you?
Bear: I float away.
Rockhound: When do we start training for THAT?
Harry Stamper: How long you work for me?
A.J.: Five wonderful years.
Harry Stamper: In five years you have *never* apologized to me this quickly. Something's goin' on here, I'm gonna find out what it is.
Chick: Harry, the clock on that nine-foot nuclear weapon is ticking.
Colonel William Sharp: [In response to Rockhound riding the nuclear warhead] Get off... the nuclear... warhead.
Rockhound: I was doing that guy from that movie, you know, Slim Pickens, where he rides it all the way in, the nuclear warhead.
Colonel William Sharp: Now.
Rockhound: Oh, you didn't see that one, huh?
Harry Stamper: AJ, I got just five words for you: Damn glad to see you boy!
A.J.: That's six words.
A.J.: Just tell Grace that, uh, that I'll always be with her. Okay? Can you do that?
Harry Stamper: Yeah. Okay, kid.
Harry Stamper: [pulls AJ's air hose out and rips off his own mission badge and hands it to AJ] Give this to Truman. Make sure Truman gets that! Get in there.
[pushes AJ back into the hatch and closes the door]
Harry Stamper: It's my turn now.
A.J.: Harry! Harry! You can't do this to me! It's my job!
Harry Stamper: You go take care of my little girl now. That's your job. Always thought of you as a son. Always. But, I'd be damn proud to have you marry Grace.
A.J.: [beginning to cry] Harry.
Harry Stamper: You take care of yourself.
[pushes a button sending the hatch up]
A.J.: Harry, no!
Harry Stamper: I love you, boy.
A.J.: Harry, I love you! Don't Harry! Wait a minute! Harry, no!
Harry Stamper: Bye, son.
Ronald Quincy: [holds out his hand] Imagine a firecracker in the palm of your hand. You set it off, what happens? You burn your hand, right? You close your fist around the same firecracker,
[clenches his hand into a fist]
Ronald Quincy: and set it off. Your wife's gonna be opening your ketchup bottles the rest of your life.
Grace Stamper: [talking to Harry when he is on the asteroid] Daddy?
Grace Stamper: Hi Gracey. Hi honey. Grace, I know I promised you I was coming home.
Grace Stamper: I don't understand.
Harry Stamper: Looks like I'm going to have to break that promise.
Grace Stamper: I lied to you too. When I told you I didn't want to be like you. Because I am like you. Everything good that I have inside of me, I have from you. I love you so much daddy. And I'm so proud of you, I'm so scared. I'm so scared.
Harry Stamper: I know it baby. But there won't be anything to be scared of soon. Gracey, I want you to know that AJ saved us. He did. I want you to tell Chick, that I couldn't have done it without him. None of it. I want you to take care of AJ. And I wish I could be there to walk you down the aisle, but I'll... I'll look in on you from time to time, okay honey? I love you Grace.
Grace Stamper: I love you too.
Harry Stamper: Gotta go now honey.
Grace Stamper: Daddy, no!
[Harry cuts the video feed]
Grace Stamper: No dad no!
Denise: What are you doing here?
Chick: I was just passing by on the, uh, I came...
Tommy: [comes onto the porch with a toy] Who's he?
Denise: That man's a salesman. Would you go inside? Thank you.
Chick: [Tommy goes inside the house] He got big.
Denise: You can't come around like this. The court says you can't. It confuses him.
Chick: No I know. I just... I wanted to say that I'm sorry about everything, and... I got something coming up, something kinda big. You just might be proud of me. Would you do something for me? Would you just give him this. You don't have - you don't have to tell him who it's from just...
[puts a toy shuttle on the porch]
Rockhound: You wanna compare brainpans? I won the Westinghouse prize when I was 12, big deal. Published at 19, so what. I got a double doctorate from MIT at 22, Chemistry and Geology. I taught at Princton for two and a half years.
F.B.I. Agent: We have a national security matter.
Rockhound: Good for you.
[after escaping the Russian Space Station explosion]
Freddy Noonan: Pretty intense, huh?
Lev Andropov: That's why I told you "touch nothing". But you're bunch of cowboys!
Harry Stamper: For god's sakes think about what you're doin'. Why are you listening to someone that's a hundred thousand miles away? We're here. No body down there can help us. So if we don't get this job done, then everybody's gone.
Chick: One minute.
Harry Stamper: I have been drilling holes in the earth for thirty years. And I have never, *never* missed a depth that I have aimed for. And by God, I am not gonna miss this one. I will make 800 feet.
Chick: 42 seconds.
Harry Stamper: But I can't do it alone, Colonel. I need your help.
Colonel William Sharp: You swear on your daughter's life, on my family's, that you can hit that mark.
Harry Stamper: I will make 800 feet. I swear to God I will.
Colonel William Sharp: Then let's turn this bomb off.
President: We didn't see this thing coming?
Dan: Well, our object collison budget's a million dollars. That allows us to track about 3% of the sky, and beg'n your pardon sir, but it's a big-ass sky.
General Kimsey: If you're trying to make me feel better about this scenario, give it up.
Truman: To tell you the truth, I'm kind of encouraged. This guy Chick here was an Air Force commando for six years.
General Kimsey: We got robbery, assault, arrest, resisting arrest. We got a collection agent for the mob. Two of these guys have done serious time.
Truman: Look, they're the best at what they do.
General Kimsey: So am I. And I'm not so optimistic. We spend 250 billion dollars a year on defense. And here we are. The fate of the planet is in the hands of a bunch of retards I wouldn't trust with a potato gun.
Harry Stamper: What's your contingency plan?
Truman: Contingency plan?
Harry Stamper: Your backup plan. You gotta have some kind of backup plan, right?
Truman: No, we don't have a back up plan. This is it.
Harry Stamper: And this is the best that you c - that the-the government, the *U.S. government* can come up with? I mean, you-you're NASA for cryin' out loud, you put a man on the moon, you're geniuses! You-you're the guys that think this shit up! I'm sure you got a team of men sitting around somewhere right now just thinking shit up and somebody backing them up! You're telling me you don't have a backup plan, that these eight boy scouts right here, that is the world's hope, that's what you're telling me?
Harry Stamper: None of you have to go. We can all just sit here on Earth, wait for this big rock to crash into it, kill everything and everybody we know. United States government just asked us to save the world. Anybody wanna say no?
Chick: 20 years. Haven't turned you down once. Not about to start now. I'm there.
Freddy Noonan: Guess I can't let you go up there alone.
Bear: I'm with you.
Oscar: Man, this is - this is historic. Guys, this is, like, deep blue hero stuff! Of course I'm in.
Rockhound: While I don't share *his* enthusiasm, you know me. Beam me up, Scotty!
Harry Stamper: You all right, Max?
Max: I-I don't, I-I don't... Whatever you think.
Harry Stamper: [to A.J] How about you?
A.J.: I'm in.
Harry Stamper: All right then. We go.
Rockhound: I don't mean to be the materialistic weasel of this group, but do you think we'll get hazard pay out of this?
Harry Stamper: Houston, you have a problem. You see, I promised my little girl that I'd be comin' home. Now I don't know what you people are doing down there, but we've got a hole to dig up here!
Karl: Sir, I'm retired navy, I know all about classified. But one more thing. The person that finds her gets to name her right?
Dan: Yes-yes that's right, that's right.
Karl: I wanna name her Dottie after my wife. She's a vicious life-sucking bitch from which there is no escape.
Rockhound: Guess what guys, it's time to embrace the horror! Look, we've got front row tickets to the end of the earth!
Colonel William Sharp: It takes two people to fly this thing. Either we all stay and die, or you guys draw straws.
Rockhound: I say we all stay and die.
[pause, everyone looks at Rockhound]
Rockhound: But that's me.
AJ: I'll draw. Let's draw.
Harry: Nobody's gonna draw straws. I'll stay and take care of it.
Chick: Well, I can't live with that sort of thing.
Lev Andropov: Nobody asked you if you could live with it, all right?
Lev Andropov: Bullshit! No way I will let you volunteer for this, so I can go back to my home country like the man who did not volunteer! No way!
Bear: Hey man, let's draw, and let's see who's gonna stay up here and dance.
Rockhound: Hey guys? I-I know you guys think I'm crazy right now but, I would really like this responsibility.
Harry: All right. All right.
Rockhound: I can do it!
Harry: Let's just draw straws and get it over with. Come on.
Chick: I ain't drawin' against you, Harry.
Harry: Well, I'm gonna draw against you Chick, so you better just go ahead and do it.
[They draw straws]
Chick: Just gimme this thing.
Lev Andropov: [Lev looks at the straw he has drawn] Is this good, or bad?
[A.J. has drawn the short straw]
AJ: Oh man. Well, we all gotta die right? I'm the guy who gets to do it saving the world.
Colonel William Sharp: Miss Stamper? Colonel Willie Sharp, United States Airforce, ma'am. Requesting permission to shake the hand of the daughter of the bravest man I've ever met.
Colonel William Sharp: United States astronauts train for years. You have twelve days.
Grace Stamper: First time I got my period, Rock had to take me into Tai-Pei for Tampax. And then he had to show me how to use them, Harry.
[off Harry's stern look]
Rockhound: Ho-ho. I ju- No I-I told her how to use it. I didn't show her, Harry.
Dr. Banks: [going through the roughnecks' medical reports] Fail. Fail. Depressively fail! One toxicology analysis revealed ketamin, that is a very powerful sedative!
Harry: Sedatives are used all the time, doctor.
Dr. Banks: Well this one's used on horses.
Harry: Some of these guys are pretty big.
Dr. Banks: [to Truman] You know, it would normally take 18 months to psychologically prepare pre-screened, viable subjects for space travel. We have seen evidence of a wide fariety of territorial aggression.
Dan: Can they *physically* survive the trip? That's all I need to know here, okay?
Dr. Banks: Personally, I don't know how they survived the tests.
Rockhound: [after getting off the nuclear warhead] Hey Sharp! No nukes! No nukes! No nukes!
Harry Stamper: [Harry turns to Sharp] You got any more bullets in that gun, Sharp?
Max: Something's wrong.
Rockhound: Yeah, it's all wrong, man. We shouldn't even be up here.
Grace Stamper: You have not told them yet. That is my father up there!
Dan: [to General Kimsey] This is one order you shouldn't follow and you fucking know it!
Truman: So what's the verdict?
Harry Stamper: They'll do it. They've made a few requests though.
Truman: Such as?
Harry Stamper: [riffles through sheets of paper] Well, there's uh, few things here, uh... nothin' really big, uh, just- Well, as an example, uh, uh, Oscar here, he's got some outstanding parking tickets. Wants them wiped off his record.
Oscar: [shouting from balcony] Fifty-six tickets in seven states...
Harry Stamper: [to Oscar] I'll-I'll tell 'em Oscar, you got it.
Harry Stamper: Uh, Noonan's got two women friends that he'd like to see made American citizens no questions asked. Max would like you to... bring back eight-track tapes. Not sure if that's gonna work, but, uh, let's see what else. Um, Chick wants a full week's Emperor's Package at Caesar's Palace. Um - hey, you guys wouldn't be able to tell us who actually killed Kennedy, would ya?
[pause, turns and shakes his head]
Harry Stamper: Um, Bear would like to stay at the...
[tries to read writing]
Harry Stamper: "White horse"?
[looks up at Bear]
Bear: White, *House*. White House.
Harry Stamper: White House. Yeah, he'd like to stay in the Lincoln bedroom of the White House for the summer. Stuff like that.
Truman: Sure, I think we can, uh, take care of... some of that.
Rockhound: [shouting from balcony] Harry!
Harry Stamper: [motions back at Rockhound] Yeah one more thing, um... none of them wanna pay taxes again.
Harry Stamper: Ever.
Lev Andropov: I'm stepping outside.
A.J.: You're-you're going outside?
Lev Andropov: I am the only certified astronaut. And I'm saving your American ass!
Rockhound: [leafing through the Rorschach inkblots] Woman with large breasts... woman with medium breasts...
Rockhound: What does that mean?
Colonel William Sharp: It means we've got a busted ship.
Rockhound: A busted ship? And I'm strapped in here? I had a great spot picked out there!
[Camera shoots past the moon to slowly zoom in on the Earth]
Narrator: This is the Earth, at a time when the dinosaurs roamed a lush and fertile planet.
[From behind the camera, a giant asteroid appears, speeding towards the Earth ahead of it]
Narrator: A piece of rock just 6 miles wide changed all that.
[Blazing through the atmosphere, the asteroid impacts with a spectacular display of fire and destruction]
Narrator: It hit with the force of 10,000 nuclear weapons. A trillion tons of dirt and rock hurtled into the atmosphere, creating a suffocating blanket of dust the sun was powerless to penetrate for a thousand years. It happened before. It will happen again. It's just a question of when.
[military guys are talking to Harry]
Harry Stamper: What?
Rockhound: Man, I swear to God, she never told me her age.
Harry Stamper: It's all right, relax. It's about me.
[to military guys]
Rockhound: Forget it!
Bear: What's up, Harry? Did NASA find oil on Uranus, man?
Oscar: Ok, Mr. Truman, let's say that we actually do land on this. What's it gonna be like up there?
Truman: 200 degrees in the sunlight, minus 200 in the shade, canyons of razor-sharp rock, unpredictable gravitational conditions, unexpected eruptions, things like that.
Oscar: Okay, so the scariest environment imaginable. Thanks. That's all you gotta say, scariest environment imaginable.
Grace Stamper: Baby, do you think its possible that anyone else in the world is doing this very same thing at this very same moment?
A.J.: I hope so, otherwise, what the hell are we trying to save?
Lev Andropov: This is how we fix problem in the Russian space station!
[hits panel with tool]
Truman: Now let's keep the laughter to a minimum. I know this is not to scale. Both shuttles will take off Tuesday at 6:30pm. Now, 67 minutes later, you're gonna dock with the Russian Space Station to meet cosmonaut Andropov, who will refuel the shuttles with liquid O2 - that's your fuel - then you'll release and take a 60 hour trip toward the moon. Now we only have one shot of landing on this rock, and that's precisely when the asteroid passes by the moon. You'll then use lunar gravity and burn your thrusters, slingshotting you around the moon, coming up behind the asteroid. You'll be upward of 11 G's.
Colonel William Sharp: This is insane.
Harry Stamper: [to Rockhound] Have you lost your mind?
Colonel William Sharp: He's got space dementia.
AJ: [Sharp reaches to cut engines, to return to the asteroid, since Stamper has not blown it yet]
AJ: Harry'll do it. I know it. He doesn't know how to fail.
[Sharp withdraws his hand]
Grace Stamper: I, um, I lied to you, too, when I told you that I didn't wanna be like you, because I am like you. Everything good that I have inside of me I have from you.
[getting arrested by a policeman after a strip club brawl]
Rockhound: You are SO messin' with national security right now, man! You are FIRED tomorrow morning, I'm tellin' ya! I'll get the CIA and the FBI, you'll be workin' security at Toys R' Us!
Rockhound: Yeah, I remember this one. It's where the, uh, the coyote sat his ass down in a slingshot then he strapped himself to an Acme rocket. Is that - is that what we're doin' here?
Harry Stamper: [under his breath] Rockhound.
Rockhound: No, no, really, because it didn't work out too well for the coyote, Harry.
Harry Stamper: [talking over him] Hey, Rock. Knock it off.
Truman: Well, actually, we have a lot better rockets than the coyote.
Harry Stamper: [his last words]
Harry Stamper: WE WIN, GRACIE!
[A.J, Lev, and Bear are making the canyon jump and Lev is flying outside on the armadillo trying to fix it]
Lev Andropov: I'm sorry A.J. I was way off on the odds!
Walter Clark: [to Grace, after AJ resurfaces] Your boyfriend's back.
General Kimsey: And the ones this morning?
Dan: Uh, those were nothing. Uh, they're the size of basketballs and, uh, Volkswagens, things like that.
[Rockhound is duct taped down inside the spaceship to keep him out of trouble]
Rockhound: Just tryin' to have some fun before I died!
Truman: [a team of soldiers come into the control room via the elevators] What is this?
General Kimsey: Secondary protocol.
Truman: But they haven't drilled the damn hole yet!
General Kimsey: The president's advisors feel that the drilling isn't working. And we've lost radio contact, maybe for good. We've only got a few minutes left of guaranteed ability to remote detonate that nuke. If we don't do it now, we could lose control and we may never get it back.
Truman: Well, you tell the president that he better fire his so-called advisors! And if you detonate that nuke on the surface, we've wasted a perfectly good bomb. And we have one chance to save this planet!
Tommy: Mom, that salesman's on TV.
Denise: That man's not a salesman. That's your daddy.
Dan: Welcome back, Cowboy.
AJ: Uh, Harry wanted you to have this.
[A.J. hands Dan the Shuttle Mission Patch]
Dan: He did, huh?
Truman: [explaining to the Stampers about the asteroid] So, when the rogue comet hit the asteroid belt, it sent shrapnel right for us. For the next 15 days, the Earth's in a shooting gallery. Even if the asteroid itself hits the water, it's still hitting land. It'll flash boil millions of galleons of sea water and slam into the ocean bedrock. Now if it's a Pacific Ocean impact, which we think it will be, it'll create a tidal wave 3 miles high, travel at a thousand miles an hour, covering California, and washing up in Denver. Japan's gone, Australia's wiped out. Half the world's population will be incinerated by the heat blast, and the rest will freeze to death from nuclear winter.
Rockhound: We're in segment 202, lateral grid 9, site 15H32 - give or take a few yards. Captain American here blew the landing by 26 miles!
Colonel William Sharp: How the hell do you know that?
Rockhound: Because I'm a genius.
Watts: The gauges will not read; they're all peaked like we're plugged into some magnetic field
Rockhound: [sarcastically] Well, who on the spaceship wants to know why?
Gruber, Munitions Specialist: By all means.
Rockhound: The reason we were shooting for grid 8 was because thermographics indicated that grid 9 was compressed iron ferrite. Which means you landed us on a goddamn iron plate!
Harry Stamper: I'm gonna give you three seconds to shut this bomb down, and then I'm gonna make you shoot me.
General Montgomery: [shaking hands with Harry] Mr Stamper , I'm General Montgomery, commander of the Pacific air forces. I've been sent here by the secretary of defence on direct orders from the president of the United States.
General Montgomery: It's a matter of urgent national security. I need you to get on that chopper right now, no questions asked.
Harry Stamper: Crazy Willie put you up to this?
General Montgomery: 'Fraid I dont know Crazy Willie, sir. I'm dead serious about this.
Truman: So you drill, you drop the nuke, and you leave. Now, here's the key: you're gonna remote-detonate the bomb... before the asteroid passes this plane,
[Quincy shows a video of the asteroid]
Truman: Zero Barrier. You do that, and the remaining pieces of rock should be deflected enough to pass right by us. Now, if the bomb explodes after Zero Barrier...
[the video of the asteroid fragments hitting the Earth is displayed]
Truman: Game's over.
Harry Stamper: You wanna go home? Is that it? You wanna be fired?
A.J.: No, I don't. My crew was doin' the right thing.
Harry Stamper: [Interrupting] Your crew?
Harry Stamper: Your crew just blew the whole transmission, A.J.
A.J.: Listen, that NASA computer is just playin' it safe. The machine you built - the rig - can do it.
Harry Stamper: [Interrupting] Shut up! Just shut up! Shut your mouth! Those men in that room have zero tolerence for showin' off, hot doggin', going by your gut instinct or you tryin' to be a hero. You got that? Say the words, A.J.
A.J.: I got it.
Grace Stamper: [about A.J] Thought you said you couldn't trust him.
Harry Stamper: I thought you said I could.
Rockhound: [still looking through Rorschach inkblots; to the male psychologist] This one looks like you... *with* breasts.
Rockhound: Just wanted to feel the power between my legs, brother.
Colonel William Sharp: [Just before zero barrier] Somethings not right, too much time has gone by. We're going back to do it ourselves.
Chick: Just don't, wait one minute.
Dan: With the proximity of the asteroid, and no prep time, none of our primary plans can work.
General Kimsey: Why don't we just send up a hundred and fifty nuclear warheads and blast that rock apart?
Ronald Quincy: Terrible idea.
General Kimsey: Was I talkin' to you?
Dan: This is Dr. Ronald Quincy from Research. Pretty much the smartest man on the planet You might wanna listen to him.
A.J.: You know, Harry, there are only, uh, five words, I want to hear from you right now and those words are: you know A.J., I really look up to you, you been a hero of mine for sometime, and I'm really impressed with your work and I'm emotionally closed off...
A.J.: That's like - I dunno, that's like eleven words or something. You know what how bout just: A.J., I'm sorry and I love you?
Dan: Tell me you never let anybody down.
Harry Stamper: I never quit yet...
A.J.: Have you ever heard of Evel Knievel?
Lev Andropov: No, I never saw Star Wars.
Harry Stamper: I ain't gonna kill him. I'm just gonna take a foot off of him. A man can work with one foot.
A.J.: You know it's all funny until somebody gets shot in the leg.
Harry Stamper: Come on, God, just a little help. It's all I'm asking.
Max: I think we're close enough, He might have heard ya.
President: I address you tonight not as the President of the United States, not as the leader of a country, but as a citizen of humanity. We are faced with the very gravest of challenges. The Bible calls this day "Armageddon" - the end of all things. And yet, for the first time in the history of the planet, a species has the technology to prevent its own extinction. All of you praying with us need to know that everything that can be done to prevent this disaster is being called into service. The human thirst for excellence, knowledge; every step up the ladder of science; every adventurous reach into space; all of our combined modern technologies and imaginations; even the wars that we've fought have provided us the tools to wage this terrible battle. Through all of the chaos that is our history; through all of the wrongs and the discord; through all of the pain and suffering; through all of our times, there is one thing that has nourished our souls, and elevated our species above its origins, and that is our courage. The dreams of an entire planet are focused tonight on those fourteen brave souls traveling into the heavens. And may we all, citizens the world over, see these events through. God speed, and good luck to you.
Rockhound: Wow. Got a great view of the Earth from here. Too bad we'll never set foot on her again.
Karl: Get my phone book, get those names of those guys from NASA.
Dottie: Excuse me? Am I wearing a sign that says "Karl's slave"?
Karl: [shouting] Go get my goddamn phone book! Get the book! Get the book! Get the book!
Harry Stamper: Quincy! Somebody tell me what this is. Plastic ice cream scoop? What'd that cost? About $400.
A.J.: [looking at ink blotted pictures] Here's Harry giving me a hard time. And, uh, this is Harry tellin' me it's not good enough. And, uh, this is Harry tellin' me I can't marry his daughter.
A.J.: Thanks alot, appreciate it.
Chick: Freddy, you all right?
Freddy Noonan: [Hunching over] Does this look okay to you? Does this look okay?
Max: [jogging] It's not too bad. It's kinda tingly.
Rockhound: We're staying, we're going, we're staying, we're going, make up your mind!
Oscar: Great, I got that "excited/scared" feeling. Like 98% excited, 2% scared. Or maybe it's more - It could be two - it could be 98% scared, 2% excited but that's what makes it so intense, it's so - confused. I can't really figure it out.
[to NASA tech strapping him in]
Oscar: Will you make mine really tight, 'cause I don't wanna fall out. I mean, almost to the point of cutting off circulation.
Rockhound: [after stepping onto the asteroid] This place is like Dr. Seuss's worst nightmare!
Harry Stamper: Grace, I know I promised you I was coming home.
Grace Stamper: I-I don't under-understand.
Harry Stamper: [sighs] Looks like I'm gonna have to break that promise.
Harry Stamper: If we don't put this bomb down in a hole 800 feet onto a fault line, all you're gonna have is a real expensive fireworks show.
Max: [shouting into the microphone] A home run! The Cubs win the World Series! Ah!
Rockhound: Why do I do this? Because the money's good, the scenery changes and they let me use explosives, okay?
Chick: I never told anybody this before, but I hate flyin'. So it would be an awful shame to die now.
Rockhound: That's easy for you to say. I owe 100 grand to a fat-ass loan shark which I spent on a stripper named Molly Mounds.
Chick: Boy, that's bad.
Lev Andropov: Don't touch my uncle! You know? He's a genius of my family.
Grace Stamper: I understand that you were handicapped by a natural immaturity, and I forgive you.
Rockhound: Well it's about time, I haven't thrown up in about an hour.
A.J.: You know what I was thinkin'?
Grace Stamper: What?
A.J.: I-I really don't think that the animal cracker qualifies as a cracker.
Grace Stamper: Why?
A.J.: Well cause it's sweet, which to me suggests cookie, and, you know, I mean putting cheese on something is sort of the defining characteristic of what makes a cracker a cracker. I don't know why I thought of that, I just...
Grace Stamper: Baby, you have such sweet pillow talk.
A.J.: If anybody's anybody, I'm Han and you're-you're Chewbacca.
Oscar: Chewy? Have you even *seen* Star Wars?
Helga the Nurse: Mr. Chappell, you're next
Chick: Aw, gee, lady. I just came here to drill.
Helga the Nurse: Oh!
[Holds up anal probe]
Helga the Nurse: So did I.
A.J.: This is great. We just happen to run into the Grand Canyon on the asteroid.
Lev Andropov: I told you, you took wrong way, wrong road.
A.J.: What? What road? Do you see any roads around here?
Lev Andropov: You know what, I do not have much pleasure being near God's ear, but you think this is looking good or what?
A.J.: Lev, why don't you just do humanity a favor and just shut the hell up?
Max: Who's that for? Mr. Ed? You stick that thing in me, I'm gonna stab you in the heart with it. You ever see Pulp Fiction?
Vinnie the loanshark: This is a pretty big loan. Why don't you count the cash?
Rockhound: Nah, this feels like a hundred grand to me.
Vinnie the loanshark: I'm giving you this for 60%, I hope you know what you're doing, because I'll bust your head with a sledgehammer.
Rockhound: [grinning] You'll get your money back!
Vinnie the loanshark: You don't look too healthy, you're not gonna die on me are you?
Rockhound: Let's just say no more than you are.
Rockhound: Thanks Vic!
Oscar: This is space! Course, we're just in the beginning part of space, we-we haven't even got to *outer* space yet!
Rockhound: Harry, this is illegal man.
Harry Stamper: I'm temporarily insane, Rock, it's all right.
Oscar: I tell you one thing that really drives me nuts, is people who think that Jethro Tull is just a person in a band.
Psychologist: Who is Jethro Tull?
[AJ, Lev, and Bear are about to make the canyon jump]
Bear: Just for the record, this is a very bad idea!
Stu, the Cabbie: [asteroids are hitting New York; sees a flying burning taxi in front of him] Oh, we at war! Saddam Hussein is bombing us!
Bear: [sobbing in front of Dr. Banks] I am not crazy! I'm just a little emotional right now, ok? Ya'll throwing all this stuff at me, man! Look, I mean, after this is over, can I like get a hug from you or something?
AJ: [as the two shuttles are rounding the Moon pulling Gs] Is this supposed to be like this?
Oscar: Don't worry! This is normal!
Bear: How would you know?
Lev Andropov: He used to make the tip of the bomb. The thing that finds, uh, New York or Washington, you know?
Walter Clark: [the shuttles are trying to land on the asteroid] Independence, try to maintain your current heading, you have a target LZ.
Tucker, Shuttle Independence Co-Pilot: There's too much debris, we gotta peel off!
Colonel Davis, USAF: Negative!
[Rock hits shuttle]
Colonel Davis, USAF: We're hit!
Colonel Davis, USAF: [Independence is going down] Good luck, Freedom.
Tucker, Shuttle Independence Co-Pilot: [Windshield starts cracking] Oh my God, this is it.
[Large rock shatters windshield]
Truman: [before shuttles launch] OK gentleman, you're our warriors up there. God be with you. You're already heroes, just sit back and enjoy the ride.
Biker Customer: [Seeing Rockhound and the rest of the gang with all of the women] Who the hell do you think you guys are? You're hoggin' all the action.
Freddy Noonan: Hey pinhead, why don't you go find your own party.
Biker Customer: Why don't you share the wealth, pal.
Rockhound: [Tosses the biker a 100 dollar bill] Here, you can buy yourself a neck.
Max: Hey, Mr. Clean.
[the Biker grabs Rockhound by the shirt and Max hits the biker over the head with a glass bottle and a fight ensues]
Harry Stamper: [to NASA] Hey, you guys wouldn't happen to tell us who actually killed Kennedy, would ya?
Little Guy: If I wasn't a Christian, I'd be throwing your fat, pinaple eatin' ass through the window!
Grace Stamper: Hi Harry.
Harry: I have repeatedly asked you to call me dad.
Grace Stamper: Sorry Harry.
A.J.: If you had like little animal cracker Discovery Channel thing watch the gazelle as he graze's through the open plains, and now look as the cheetah approachs. Watch as he stalks his prey. Now the gazelle has looked spooked and he could head north, to the mountainous peeks above, or he could go south. The gazelle now faces man's most perilous question, north... Or south...