Robin Simon: I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
Robin Simon: No matter what the shrinks, or the pundits, or the self-help books tell you, when it comes to love, it's luck.
[talking about Papadakis]
Tony Gardella: He's very arty, pretentious, one of those assholes who shoots all his films in black and white.
Robin Simon: There aren't any ticks around here, are there? I'd hate to get Lyme disease.
Priest at Catholic Retreat: We haven't had any casualties.
Nicole Oliver: I can't have sex with you! My body belongs to my husband and there is no way that I could betray him in that way. But what I do from the neck up is a different story.
[sighting celebrities at a screening]
Tony Gardella: Oh, and getting out of the elevator I see there's a famous critic.
Robin Simon: Him, I recognize.
Tony Gardella: Oh, he used to hate every movie. Then, he married a young, big-bosomed woman, and now he loves every movie.
Supermodel: You're not afraid of catching germs? And you know, I'm coming down with a cold and everything...
Lee Simon: From you I'd be willing to catch terminal cancer.
Tony Gardella: Tom Dale. *Big* star. He's in New York filming an adaptation of a sequel of a remake.
Waiting Room Nurse: I'm sorry, the doctor just doesn't do penis enlargements. We don't have the space.
Waiting Room Patient: We're talking about 3 inches here!
Robin Simon: [affecting a Southern accent] I have always depended on the kindness of strangers...
Lee Simon: One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High and you f***ing blink and you're 40, you blink again and you can see movies at half price on a senior citizen's pass. Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately, ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
Bonnie: Apparently his first two books...
Lee Simon: They were obliterated. I got the 3 esses: self-indulgent, sophomoric, sollipsistic...
Lee Simon: Just in time. Another minute, I'd have been found dead of comedy poisoning...
Dee Bartholomew: I ran into our Tony Gardello at the Cafe Carlyle. He had a blissed-out look like he had died and gone to heaven. How did you manage to put that smile on his face?
Robin Simon: Using my head...
Donald Trump: Well, I'm working on buying St. Patrick's Cathedral, maybe doing a little rip-down job and putting up a very very tall and beautiful building.
Robin's Friend Cheryl: So ironic. You go to get face work, you don't get face work, but you meet a wonderful guy, he changes your life, it's better than face work.
Exercise Tape Fan: Would you sign this? I use your exercise tape.
Supermodel: You do?
Exercise Tape Fan: So do I!
Exercise Tape Fan: But I exercise to it.
Lee Simon: Every curve in your body fulfills its promise. If the universe has any meaning, I'm looking at it.
Father Gladden's Fan on Porch: Did you agree with the Beatles, years ago, at the height of their fame, that they were bigger stars than Jesus?
Father Gladden: The world population was much less then.
Souvenir Hawker: They're all genuine ceramic, and we got this rubber bulb here, you squeeze this, fill it with some washable red vegetable dye, give it a squeeze, you can make his wounds bleed. Watch in the back, there. Isn't that something?
TV Reporter at Premiere: What's your next project?
Dalton Freed: Birth Of A Nation, an all-black version.
Supermodel: I'm polymorphously perverse. It's not a flaw, it's just a weakness.
Tony's Grandma: [to Al Swayze, black weatherman] But you're cheerful, I mean you're all so cheerful.
Lee Simon: And you're, you're perfect. Do you have ANY flaws? I'm agog... with...