Jeff: Nothing ever changes, man. Fifty years from now we're all gonna be dead. And there will be another group of people standing here drinking beer, eating pizza, bitching about the price of Oreos and they'll have no idea we were ever here and fifty years after those suckers will be dust and bones and there'll be all these generations of suckers, all trying to figure out what the fuck they're doing on this fucking planet and it'll all be full of shit. It's all so fucking futile.
Tim: If it's all so fucking futile, what the fuck are you so fucking upset about, fuckhead?
Jeff: At least I admit that I don't know. I know that things are fucked up, beyond belief, and I have nothing original to say about it...
Jeff: Anything is possible. It is night on planet earth and I'm alive. And someday I'll be dead. Someday I'll just be bones in a box, but right now, I'm not. And anything is possible. And that's why I can go to New York with Sooze because each moment can just be what it is. There's no failure, there's no mistake. I just, I just go there and live there and what happens, happens. And so, right now I'm getting naked and I'm not afraid. You know? I don't, I don't need money, man. I don't, I don't even need, I don't even need a future. I, I could knock out all of my teeth with a hammer. So what? You know, I could poke my eyes out. I'd still be alive, you know? At least I'd know that I was doing something real for two or three seconds, you know? It's all about feat and I'm not afraid anymore, man. Fuck it! Fuck fear!
Sooze: Jeff likes to argue for the sake of arguing.
Jeff: No I don't.
Sooze: Yes you do.
Jeff: No I don't!
Sooze: ...Yes you do.
Jeff: No I - !
Nazeer Choudhury: You're a drunk and an idiot.
Buff: Your wife sucks my cock every night, swallows my cum, and loves it. That's okay.
Nazeer Choudhury: Yeah, it's okay. You know, we have a saying back home: "Either the salt is rotten or the meat."
Buff: Yeah, well, uh, you're not so smart, chief, 'cause I'm moving out to L.A.
Nazeer Choudhury: Ah, that's nice. They have many convenience stores there for you to stand in front of.
Jeff: Buff, that slice is the difference between life and death for some half-dead Bangladeshi.
Buff: You know you're getting me all upset here.
Jeff: You should get upset. Everyone should get upset. When Hitler was greasing the Jews people were saying "Don't get me upset, you're bumming me out." It's my duty as a human being to be pissed off.
Pony: Oh man, I feel good. Whoo! I feel good 'cuz I'm hangin' out with you guys, man. You know? I mean, I forgot what it was like to just hang out! And you know why it's so good? See, because, see, you guys are real. No, man, I mean it! You guys have a sense of humor. You live your lives, you know? It's simple, you know? The guys on the road, I mean the band, all they talk about is scoring chicks. And Danny, all Danny talks about is money.
Buff: Yeah, we're above all that.
Jeff: Burger Manifesto Part One is gonna make people think?
Sooze: Yes, you asshole!
Jeff: About what?
Sooze: About things that are important to me!
Jeff: Like what?
Sooze: Sexual politics, racism, the environment, the military...
Jeff: Racism? You don't even know anyone that's black!
Jeff: It doesn't matter what I do as long as I don't care about the results. And that's why now, I'm getting naked.
[What makes for a successful evening]
Buff: Smoke; babe; slice; brew. All four bases.
Jeff: I don't need a limousine to know who I am. At least I know I don't know.
Tim: Well, dad, she said she wanted to suck my cock.
Pony: Oh. Uh-huh.
Tim: She said you wanted to suck my cock, too.
Pony: I think I gotta go.
Tim: Don't go! You're not gonna suck my cock?
Tim: I expanded my horizons, you know, served my country, saw the world, you know. I've gained wisdom and now I'm back, baby, back from the road, me and Jack Kerouac.
Buff: Hey, I've been making these tapes, you know, video tapes. I ripped off a camcorder up at the mall and I thought, you know, it could be something that I do, be a video artist, you know.
Tim: Ladies and gentlemen, Buff, the postmodern idiot savant. He willl outdo us all.
Buff: If I were in his shoes, every morning I'd get up singing, man. I'd do my workout, take a shower, followed by a hearty breakfast of steak and eggs washed down with a pot of hot coffee and a six-pack of Coors Light. Then I'd order my bodyguard to go find my babe, who would appear decked out in her all black leather Victoria's Secret custom made body suit so I'd, like, have to chew off all her clothes until she was completely nude, except she'd have these amazing dragon tattoos all of her body and pierced nipples with little gold peace signs hangin' from 'em. And then she'd take out this half-ounce of blow and snap out a few Mongol lines and we'd vaporize a few million brains cells, screw for about an hour, then spend the rest of the morning trashed, watching...Gilligan.
Jeff: That sounds so great, man, yes. Hey, what would you do in the afternoon?
Buff: Same--more of the same.
Buff: Just keep doin' the same thing all the time, around and around the clock, with an occasional burger or slice thrown in for our vitamins and energy.
[head-bangs street sign]
Buff: Ow, man. And then instead of watching Gilligan we'd watch...Captain Kirk.
Jeff: That sounds so depressing.
Buff: Oh come on, man, tell me you wouldn't love it!
Jeff: No, I'm not saying I wouldn't love it. No, I'm saying that after awhile it'd wear thin.
Buff: Yeah, a long while. A long, long while.
Jeff: Watch out for the tree.
Buff: A long, long, long while.
Jeff: Okay, okay.
Buff: A long, long, long--
Jeff: I could go to New York if I wanted to, but what's the point? So I can learn how to order a capuccino? So I can get mugged by some crackhead? So I can see homeless people up close and personal?
Sooze: So what do you want to do?
Sooze: No one does nothing, Jeff!
Jeff: Okay, well, then I'm going to break new ground.
Sooze: New ground?!
Sooze: Taking one community college course on the history of Nicaragua while barely holding a job packing boxes?
Pony: If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, does it make a sound?
Jeff: Of course it does!
Sooze: You know, that is my worst fear. Making a sound an no one hears it.
Pony: Mine too.
Jeff: W-w-wait a minute, wait a minute.
Pony: You know what I'm saying.
Sooze: Sure! You make art and you want people to see it.
Buff: Wait. What happened to the tree?