[Walter's wearing night-vision goggles in broad daylight]
Troy Barlow: Hey, would you take those fucking things off?
Walter: I never got to use night-vision.
Troy Barlow: They do not work during the day!
Walter: Yeah, they kinda work.
Archie Gates: Bush told the people to rise up against Saddam. They thought they'd have our support. They don't. Now they're getting slaughtered.
Archie Gates: What's the most important thing in life?
Troy Barlow: Respect.
Archie Gates: Too dependent on other people.
Conrad Vig: What, love?
Archie Gates: A little Disneyland, isn't it?
Chief Elgin: God's will.
Archie Gates: Close.
Troy Barlow: What is it then?
Archie Gates: Necessity.
Troy Barlow: As in?
Archie Gates: As in people do what is most necessary to them at any given moment.
Archie Gates: No unnecessary shots, Conrad, 'cause we know what they do.
Conrad Vig: Make infected pockets full of bile, sir.
Archie Gates: That's right, Conrad, that's what they do.
Archie Gates: You're scared, right?
Conrad Vig: Maybe.
Archie Gates: The way it works is, you do the thing you're scared shitless of, and you get the courage AFTER you do it, not before you do it.
Conrad Vig: That's a dumbass way to work. It should be the other way around.
Archie Gates: I know. That's the way it works.
Archie Gates: Sit down. What do you see here?
Chief Elgin: Bunkers, sir.
Archie Gates: What's in them?
Troy Barlow: Stuff they stole from Kuwait.
Archie Gates: Bullshit. I'm talking about millions in Kuwaiti bullion.
Conrad Vig: You mean them little cubes you put in hot water to make soup?
Archie Gates: No, not the little cubes you put in hot water to make soup.
Troy Barlow: Are we shooting?
Troy Barlow: Are we shootin' people or what?
Soldier: Are we shooting?
Troy Barlow: That's what I'm asking you!
Soldier: What's the answer?
Troy Barlow: I don't know the answer! That's what I'm trying to find out!
Troy Barlow: I'm gonna buy a set of Lexus convertibles in every color.
Chief Elgin: I told you, Lexus don't make a convertible.
Troy Barlow: I'll bet you a Lexus they do.
Chief Elgin: Alright, but it won't be a convertible.
Troy Barlow: Walter, just stand outside so Chief can translate my Iraqi ass map... okay?
Archie Gates: Any questions?
Conrad Vig: Yeah, is it true to be special forces, you gotta cut off an enemy's ear?
Archie Gates: [to Troy Barlow] Are you able to control him?
Troy Barlow: Yes, sir. He'll be fine, I promise.
[after seeing that Chief can't throw a football straight]
Conrad Vig: Blacks make better receivers than quarterbacks.
Troy Barlow: Stop speaking right now, Conrad!
Cathy: Oh look at you Adriana, look at what's become of you.
Adriana Cruz: Yeah look at me, I've got my clothes on - I'm dressed!
Adriana Cruz: Are you ready to work with me now?
Archie Gates: Yeah, I'm ready to work with you.
Adriana Cruz: Good, 'cause I've got an amazing lead.
Archie Gates: It was in the guy's ass.
Camp soldier: That's not the real story.
Adriana Cruz: What's the real story?
Camp soldier: It was in the guy's dick, they had to pull it out with a pair of tweezers.
Adriana Cruz: A ten-page atlas of Saddam's bunkers?
Camp soldier: Yeah, only real small, like those books you get in a box of Cracker Jacks.
Conrad Vig: One gold Rolex would get me a very nice split-level house outside of Garland.
Troy Barlow: Five Rolexes would get my family that Lexus convertible.
Chief Elgin: I told you, Lexus doesn't make a convertible.
Troy Barlow: Yes they do, it has room in the back for a kid's seat.
Chief Elgin: Infiniti has a convertible but not Lexus.
Troy Barlow: Wrong.
Chief Elgin: Either way, the Good Lord has put this map in our path and I believe we're gonna find something.
Troy Barlow: Yeah, he could also put a land mine in our path if we go out there.
Conrad Vig: Man... I didn't join the army to pull paper our of people's asses.
Conrad Vig: We three kings be stealin' the gold...
Troy Barlow: Let's just stick to the plan. The plan is for the gold, right?
Chief Elgin: Hold on, we can help these people first, and then we can be on our way.
Archie Gates: That's what makes S.F. so badass; we got the best flashlights.
[Maj. Gates stops the car after hearing an explosion]
Archie Gates: What was that?
Conrad Vig: I rigged the football with C-4, sir.
Archie Gates: Why would you do that?
Archie Gates: [about Kuwaiti gold] My guess is he's divided these bricks into several different stashes. Just one of these stashes will be easy to take from Saddam's deserting army, and that will be enough to get us out of our day jobs. Unless, of course, you reservists are in love with your day jobs.
[cut to a shot of Troy getting ink all over himself at his office; cut to a shot of Chief throwing luggage onto a plane; cut to a shot of Conrad shooting stuffed animals with a shotgun]
Conrad Vig: I don't really have a day job, sir.
[Maj. Gates knows a map has been found in one of an Iraqi soldier's orifices, but isn't sure which]
Archie Gates: Good afternoon. Would this be the proctology tent?
Chief Elgin: No, sir.
Archie Gates: Maybe it's the urology tent. Or the neurology tent. Or the ear, nose, and throat tent.
Troy Barlow: Captain's at a staff meeting, sir.
Archie Gates: Captain a proctologist?
Conrad Vig: What's a proctologist, sir?
Conrad Vig: [pointing a machine gun at Iraqi soldiers] Don't make me smoke your ass, Abdul!
Troy Barlow: Hey, I don't know if I can do this. I got a family. If I'm gonna shit in a bag for the rest of my life because I got shot after the war was over, that would pretty fucking stupid wouldn't it, Major?
Amir Abdullah: You know what I think? You're stealing gold, that's what I think. We're fighting Saddam and dying, and you're stealing gold.
Archie Gates: You're wrong.
Amir Abdullah: They have half a million men in the desert and they send four guys to pick up all this bullion? I don't think so.
Archie Gates: [to Col. Horn, about the Gulf War] Just tell me what we did here!
Conrad Vig: Kaboom! Y'all see that cow's head shoot up? It's like a cartoon! It's fuckin' crazy!
Conrad Vig: Didn't think I'd get to see anybody get shot in this war.
Archie Gates: You know you're on the path to truth when you smell shit, isn't that what they say?
[Conrad retrieved a map from an Iraqi's soldier's butt]
Sgt. Troy Barlow: Conrad, you've washed your hands like ten times.
Conrad Vig: Lord knows what kind of vermin live in the butt of a dune coon.
Chief Elgin: Why do you let this cracker hang around with you, man?
Sgt. Troy Barlow: He's all right, man. He's from a group home in Dallas. He's got no high school.
Conrad Vig: Don't tell people that.
Chief Elgin: I don't care if he's from Johannesburg. I don't want to hear "dune coon" or "sand nigger" from him or anybody else.
Conrad Vig: Captain uses those terms.
Sgt. Troy Barlow: That's not the point, Conrad. The point is that "towelhead" and "camel jockey" are perfectly good substitutes.
Chief Elgin: Exactly!
Archie Gates: Load the people into the Humvee!
Troy Barlow: There's no room!
Archie Gates: Make room!
Troy Barlow: Whatever happened to necessity?
Archie Gates: It just changed!
Col. Horn: You are all under arrest, you're getting court-martialed and you're gonna show us that bullion.
Archie Gates: You know anything about gunshot wounds?
Conrad Vig: I don't know.
Archie Gates: Specifically, the worst thing about a gunshot wound, provided you survive the bullet, is something called sepsis.
Chief Elgin: Infection of the blood...
Archie Gates: That's right. Say a bullet tears into your gut. It creates a cavity in the dead tissue. That cavity fills up with bile, and bacteria, and you're fucked.
Sgt. Troy Barlow: Great! A fuckin' tank! That should send us on our way.
Adriana Cruz: I don't want him walking away from me, going to other reporters, and giving away my stories.
Archie Gates: What stories? You don't have any stories.
Adriana Cruz: You don't fuckin' tell people that.
Walter: [pointing gun at Adriana, who is stealing his FAV] Ma'am, STEP AWAY FROM THE CHENOWTH!
[Adriana drives off]
Walter: Ma'am! OH PLEASE! OH PLEASE STOP!
Capt. Said: What is the problem with Michael Jackson?
Capt. Said: What make you decide to tell me about Crystal, my main man?
Sgt. Troy Barlow: Because we're both fathers.
Capt. Said: I'm not father no more, you remember? My son is dead now. Can you think how would feel inside your heart if I bombed your daughter?
Sgt. Troy Barlow: Worse than death.
Capt. Said: That's right. Worse than death.
Sgt. Troy Barlow: [upon learning Said's wife is a double amputee] That's horrible.
Capt. Said: Oh my God, buddy, I didn't even told you the horrible part yet. My son. My son was killed in his bed. He is one years old... he is sleeping with his doll when the bomb come...
Sgt. Troy Barlow: I heard a lot of bad shit happened in Kuwait.
Capt. Said: Yes... bad shit happened... I'm not proud of that. Yes Saddam is very crazy, but then you are crazy for coming here.
Debbie Barlow: Hello?
Troy Barlow: Honey, it's me.
Debbie Barlow: Troy? Oh my god! Oh, baby, I was hoping it was you.
Troy Barlow: It's me honey.
Debbie Barlow: Oh God, the baby's crying.
Troy Barlow: How's she doing?
Debbie Barlow: She hasn't been sleeping too good, and my mom had to go back to work, so I'm real tired baby.
Troy Barlow: Oh, I wish I was there to help, gooney bird.
Debbie Barlow: Oh, gooney bird, when are you coming home?
Troy Barlow: Well I'm working on that right now baby.
Debbie Barlow: I saw an ad for a computer job, you want me to call and set up an interview?
Troy Barlow: Listen, honey...
Debbie Barlow: What date are you coming home?
Troy Barlow: Well, I told you, they haven't given us an exact date yet...
Debbie Barlow: Well, maybe if I had an exact date I could call and set...
Troy Barlow: Debbie, listen to me! Please!
Debbie Barlow: What's happening?
[an explosive goes off behind Troy]
Debbie Barlow: What was that?
Troy Barlow: The wall just exploded.
Debbie Barlow: I thought the war was over honey.
Troy Barlow: Well it is and it isn't baby... could you do me a favor and call the reserve center?
Debbie Barlow: What do you want me to do?
Troy Barlow: Tell them, I'm stuck in a bunker near 223 North, outside Karbala, okay?
Debbie Barlow: [writing it down] 2... 2... 3... North... outside... Karbala. You're okay right? Everything's okay?