Quotes

[Walter's wearing night-vision goggles in broad daylight]

Troy Barlow: Hey, would you take those fucking things off?

Walter: I never got to use night-vision.

Troy Barlow: They do not work during the day!

Walter: Yeah, they kinda work.

Archie Gates: What's the most important thing in life?

Troy Barlow: Respect.

Archie Gates: Too dependent on other people.

Conrad Vig: What, love?

Archie Gates: A little Disneyland, isn't it?

Chief Elgin: God's will.

Archie Gates: Close.

Troy Barlow: What is it then?

Archie Gates: Necessity.

Troy Barlow: As in?

Archie Gates: As in people do what is most necessary to them at any given moment.

Archie Gates: You're scared, right?

Conrad Vig: Maybe.

Archie Gates: The way it works is, you do the thing you're scared shitless of, and you get the courage AFTER you do it, not before you do it.

Conrad Vig: That's a dumbass way to work. It should be the other way around.

Archie Gates: I know. That's the way it works.

[first lines]

Troy Barlow: Are we shooting?

Soldier: What?

Troy Barlow: Are we shootin' people or what?

Soldier: Are we shooting?

Troy Barlow: That's what I'm asking you!

Soldier: What's the answer?

Troy Barlow: I don't know the answer! That's what I'm trying to find out!

Troy Barlow: Walter, just stand outside so Chief can translate my Iraqi ass map... okay?

[after seeing that Chief can't throw a football straight]

Conrad Vig: Blacks make better receivers than quarterbacks.

Troy Barlow: Stop speaking right now, Conrad!

Adriana Cruz: Are you ready to work with me now?

Archie Gates: Yeah, I'm ready to work with you.

Adriana Cruz: Good, 'cause I've got an amazing lead.

Archie Gates: It was in the guy's ass.

Camp soldier: That's not the real story.

Adriana Cruz: What's the real story?

Camp soldier: It was in the guy's dick, they had to pull it out with a pair of tweezers.

Adriana Cruz: A ten-page atlas of Saddam's bunkers?

Camp soldier: Yeah, only real small, like those books you get in a box of Cracker Jacks.

Conrad Vig: Man... I didn't join the army to pull paper our of people's asses.

Troy Barlow: Let's just stick to the plan. The plan is for the gold, right?

Chief Elgin: Hold on, we can help these people first, and then we can be on our way.

[Maj. Gates stops the car after hearing an explosion]

Archie Gates: What was that?

Conrad Vig: I rigged the football with C-4, sir.

Archie Gates: Why would you do that?

[Maj. Gates knows a map has been found in one of an Iraqi soldier's orifices, but isn't sure which]

Archie Gates: Good afternoon. Would this be the proctology tent?

Chief Elgin: No, sir.

Archie Gates: Maybe it's the urology tent. Or the neurology tent. Or the ear, nose, and throat tent.

Troy Barlow: Captain's at a staff meeting, sir.

Archie Gates: Captain a proctologist?

Conrad Vig: What's a proctologist, sir?

Troy Barlow: Hey, I don't know if I can do this. I got a family. If I'm gonna shit in a bag for the rest of my life because I got shot after the war was over, that would pretty fucking stupid wouldn't it, Major?

Archie Gates: [to Col. Horn, about the Gulf War] Just tell me what we did here!

Conrad Vig: Didn't think I'd get to see anybody get shot in this war.

[Conrad retrieved a map from an Iraqi's soldier's butt]

Sgt. Troy Barlow: Conrad, you've washed your hands like ten times.

Conrad Vig: Lord knows what kind of vermin live in the butt of a dune coon.

Chief Elgin: Why do you let this cracker hang around with you, man?

Sgt. Troy Barlow: He's all right, man. He's from a group home in Dallas. He's got no high school.

Conrad Vig: Don't tell people that.

Chief Elgin: I don't care if he's from Johannesburg. I don't want to hear "dune coon" or "sand nigger" from him or anybody else.

Conrad Vig: Captain uses those terms.

Sgt. Troy Barlow: That's not the point, Conrad. The point is that "towelhead" and "camel jockey" are perfectly good substitutes.

Chief Elgin: Exactly!

Troy Barlow: We'll I'm gonna be wearing some fashionable Kevlar.

Conrad Vig: Yeah, me too.

Archie Gates: You know anything about gunshot wounds?

Conrad Vig: I don't know.

Archie Gates: Specifically, the worst thing about a gunshot wound, provided you survive the bullet, is something called sepsis.

Chief Elgin: Infection of the blood...

Archie Gates: That's right. Say a bullet tears into your gut. It creates a cavity in the dead tissue. That cavity fills up with bile, and bacteria, and you're fucked.

Adriana Cruz: I don't want him walking away from me, going to other reporters, and giving away my stories.

Archie Gates: What stories? You don't have any stories.

Adriana Cruz: You don't fuckin' tell people that.

Capt. Said: What is the problem with Michael Jackson?

Sgt. Troy Barlow: [upon learning Said's wife is a double amputee] That's horrible.

Capt. Said: Oh my God, buddy, I didn't even told you the horrible part yet. My son. My son was killed in his bed. He is one years old... he is sleeping with his doll when the bomb come...

Debbie Barlow: Hello?

Troy Barlow: Honey, it's me.

Debbie Barlow: Troy? Oh my god! Oh, baby, I was hoping it was you.

Troy Barlow: It's me honey.

Debbie Barlow: Oh God, the baby's crying.

Troy Barlow: How's she doing?

Debbie Barlow: She hasn't been sleeping too good, and my mom had to go back to work, so I'm real tired baby.

Troy Barlow: Oh, I wish I was there to help, gooney bird.

Debbie Barlow: Oh, gooney bird, when are you coming home?

Troy Barlow: Well I'm working on that right now baby.

Debbie Barlow: I saw an ad for a computer job, you want me to call and set up an interview?

Troy Barlow: Listen, honey...

Debbie Barlow: What date are you coming home?

Troy Barlow: Well, I told you, they haven't given us an exact date yet...

Debbie Barlow: Well, maybe if I had an exact date I could call and set...

Troy Barlow: Debbie, listen to me! Please!

Debbie Barlow: What's happening?

[an explosive goes off behind Troy]

Debbie Barlow: What was that?

Troy Barlow: The wall just exploded.

Debbie Barlow: I thought the war was over honey.

Troy Barlow: Well it is and it isn't baby... could you do me a favor and call the reserve center?

Debbie Barlow: What do you want me to do?

Troy Barlow: Tell them, I'm stuck in a bunker near 223 North, outside Karbala, okay?

Debbie Barlow: [writing it down] 2... 2... 3... North... outside... Karbala. You're okay right? Everything's okay?