[Helen walks into the room holding a pregnancy test]
Anna: Since last night?
Anna: You can't tell from one. They can be inaccurate.
Helen: I bought three packets. Two in a packet - that's six. You can tell from six.
[Helen tells James her boyfriend is cheating]
James: Well, if it makes you feel any better... do you see that bloke over there?
[Points to his friend at the end of the bar]
James: Not only does he own a personalized matching set of crocodile-skin luggage, but his favorite TV program is Baywatch. So you see there's always someone sadder than you.
[Helen starts to cry]
James: Do you love him?
Helen: No, I could never love a Baywatch fan.
Anna: Are you okay?
Helen: Yes, just going quietly mad.
Anna: Thank goodness for that. I was worried.
Helen: For God's sake, Gerry. I asked you a simple question; there is no need for you to become Woody Allen.
James: Everybody's born knowing all the Beatles lyrics instinctively. They're passed into the fetus subconsciously along with all the amniotic stuff. Fact, they should be called "The Fetals".
James: Haircut suits you, by the way.
James: No, it does, it does! No gag. 'Never make a joke about a woman's hair, clothes or menstrual cycles' - page one.
Russell: You want my opinion?
Gerry: Will I like it?
Russell: Well, of course not! It'll be based in reality.
Russell: Sorry, let me just... Lydia's becoming more and more demanding and you feel bad because Helen's working night and day to keep the money coming in. But you've asked Helen to come on a research trip to Dorset with you - knowing that she wouldn't be able to - to cover up the fact that you're really taking Lydia. And despite the fact that Lydia gave you an out on the phone - which you didn't take - you're having a moral dilemma.
Russell: Gerry, you are a morality-free zone.
Lydia: Gerry, I'm a woman! We don't say what we WANT! But we reserve the right to get pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating! And not a little bit scary.
Lydia: I'm trying to be your girlfriend Gerry! I'm trying to win you back! I'm standing on the platform at Limbo Central with my heart and soul packed in my suitcase waiting for the Gerry Fucking Express to roll in and tell me that my ticket is still valid and that I may reboard the train. Only the station announcer keeps coming on and telling me that my train has been delayed as the driver has suffered a major panic attack in Indecision City, "We suggest you take the bus"! That's what I have been trying to do, you cripple!
Helen: You wanker. You sad, sad wanker.
James: Cheer up. Remember what the Monty Python boys say.
Helen: "Always look on the bright side of life"?
James: No, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition."
[Helen drops her earring in the lift. James picks it up and gives it to her]
Helen: [gloomily] Thank you.
James: Cheer up, you know what the Monty Pythons always say...
Helen: "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition"
[Helen and James turn and stare at each other as the lift closes]
Russell: I must say, being friends with you certainly makes the wait for the next episode of "Seinfeld" much easier to bear.
James: What are you doing two weeks on Saturday?
Helen: Probably killing myself.
James: Excellent. What time does that finish? Do you like boats?
Gerry: There's loads of them... having some sort of sponsored epileptic fit!
[Helen has broken up with her boyfriend]
Helen: Bollocks to him. I'm over him.
Anna: [skeptically] Oh. You're over him.
Helen: Yes. Totally and utterly and completely over him.
Anna: No you're not.
Helen: I am.
Anna: You're not.
Helen: Anna, I'm over him! What do you mean I'm not? How do you know I'm not?
Anna: Well, two things really. One, you're still counting how long you've been apart in days - and probably hours and minutes - but the big-flashing-red-light way of telling you're not really over someone is when you're still reading their horoscope in the hope that they're going to get wiped out in some freak napalming incident.
[tosses the paper at Anna]
Anna: [opens the paper] What is he?
Helen: A wanker.
Helen: Oh. Aries.
Anna: Aries... Aries... well, just shows how much I know.
Anna: "With Mars your ruler in the ascendancy, you will get wiped out in a freak napalming incident and Helen says bollocks to you." This guy's very good.
Helen: Look, James. Maybe I shouldn't be here. I'm sorry, I'm not being fair. You know, under normal circumstances, etcetera... You're really nice - and funny. My friend Anna thinks you're cute...
James: Wait. Wait! Your friend Anna thinks I'm cute? Your friend ANNA thinks I'm cute? Shit, I just blew - wait
[looks at menu]
- two eighty-five on the wrong girl!
Helen: I come home and catch you up to your nuts in Lady Shagging Godiva!
[to her boss just after he has sacked her]
Helen: OK, I'll go. I was getting a bit choked up with all the testosterone flying about the place. Best I get out before I start growing a penis.
Lydia: Who's there?
Helen: It's Helen, actually. We met once, I interrupted you faking your orgasm. Sorry I can't be more specific.
[to Helen who is drinking a milk shake]
James: Come on! If you don't drink your fatty drinks, you'll never really achieve quality cellulite.
Gerry: [looking in the mirror] Are you some peculiar, thus far undefined breed of dickhead. You have two head problems. One, that was close, very close. Put in layman's terms, she nearly caught you. Two, and this is far more worrying than the first one, you're talking to yourself in the mirror again. Really bad sign.
Russell: You've been talking to yourself in the mirror again, haven't you?
Helen: God! I feel like such a mug! Useless, no good, shagging, horrible, despicable, lying, two faced, pissing, shagging...
Anna: You said shagging.
Patron in Restaurant where Helen is a waitress: Hey, gorgeous. What do you do when you're not serving up mad cow burgers in here, eh?
Helen: Well, now, then, let me see. I get up at about 7:30AM making and delivering sandwiches in the West End during the day before I come here about 6 o'clock and finish at midnight. After that, if I've got any energy left, I give my boyfriend a blow job.
Helen: Would you like some mayonnaise with that?
James: Hands up if you drank too much, eh?
Helen: Hey, I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep I am.
Anna: Put a wick in her mouth and she'd burn for a fortnight.
Lydia: I just thought of a great ending for your book... THE END.
Helen: So who are you on the rebound from?
James: A girl called Pamela. My who life pivots around Pam and I breaking up.
Helen: When was that?
James: 1973, we were eight. I bloody loved that woman! No warning just up, gone, left me for someone else.
James: Gary Glitter! Gary Glitter for cryin' out loud! I mean all my friends were being left for Donny Osmond or David Cassidy, I could have come to terms with that given time, but Gary oooooh she wanted to touch him there yeeaah...
James: Everything happens for the best. You'll never know if you don't try.