Since You've Been Gone (1998 TV Movie)
Grace Williams: Hi Kevin.
Kevin MacEldowney: [turns away from her] I know it was you. I still have a scar on my back.
Grace Williams: What are you talking about?
Kevin MacEldowney: Senior year science class, you spilled that beaker of acid on purpose.
Grace Williams: Oh, that. That hurt?
Clay Mellon: I'm working on a children's book. Yeah, it's kinda like the tooth fairy, only this one takes the teeth while they're still *in* the mouth.
The Bee: [approaching a girl at the buffet] Hey, together we're the land of milk and honey.
[Grace dials the phone number to the Winnie's babysitter]
Grace Williams: Hello, Amber? You're all alone Amber? I've got a ball-pean hammer in my hand, Amber. I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna rip off your fucking head, and shit down your neck.
[Maria diles 911 on a hotel payphone]
Maria Goldstein: [into the phone] Hello? Yes, I'm calling from the Bismarck Hotel. Someone put Crazy Glue on a toilet seat in the ladies room and my friend is stuck.
Maria Goldstein: Yes, of course it's an emergency.
Maria Goldstein: I know but...
Maria Goldstein: Look you stupid bitch, my friend's butt is stuck to a toilet seat! Which part don't you understand?
Maria Goldstein: Yes, both cheeks.
Clay Mellon: I saw this old lady crossing a street today. Man, she was real fuckin' old... I mean decrepit. I figured I'd help her across. So, I walked up to her and took her by her arm and offered to help her cross the street, when she suddenly pulled away from me and she yelled: "fuck you! I can do it myself!" And it wasn't any Alzheimer's thing. I didn't even knew old ladies said "fuck you".
Duncan Sheperd: Everybody says "fuck you." Some people say "F-you".
Clay Mellon: The point is... I mean, here I am going out of my way to help this old lady so that she doesn't fall down on her ass and all she can say to me is "fuck you"?
Duncan Sheperd: Did you say anything to her?
Clay Mellon: Yeah, I told her, WELL, FUCK YOU! That's it! I'm just not going to be nice to people anymore. So... how was the museum?
Duncan Sheperd: It was great.
Clay Mellon: Good.
Duncan Sheperd: Clay, I don't want to be here. Did you see all those people out there? I heard many of them talking about how great their lives are. Everyone has the BMW's, the fancy jobs, the houses. I'm just here because you wanted to come and you're my best friend and so I can keep an eye on you and make sure you don't have another episode.
Clay Mellon: I'm not going to have an episode. I took my lithium. At least I think I took it.
Duncan Sheperd: What am I gonna say when they ask me what I'm doing now? I went bankrupt? I'm unemployed? I lost everything? I lost my car, my house, my job?
Clay Mellon: Come on, Duncan. It's all on how you say it. You can say it like a loser... "oh, I'm unemployed. I lost my job." Or you can say it with confidence. Think James Bond. "I'm sifting through offers."
Duncan Sheperd: Clay, I'm not even looking for another job. I'm living on a sofa bed in your apartment. I'm going every day to museums, art galleries, taking long walks in parks. I'm the lowest of the low. I'm at the bottom of the barrel.
Clay Mellon: Maybe. But at least you're still wearing the suit and tie.
Electra Pollack: You never get nervous do you, Holly?
Holly Petuto: Not since the plane crash.
Electra Pollack: Are you sure Zane Levy is gonna like these earings?
Holly Petuto: Yes, I'm sure. The others were way too big.
Electra Pollack: I showed you the hoops, right?
Holly Petuto: That's what I'm saying.
Electra Pollack: Are you sure Zane Levy is gonna like this dress?
Holly Petuto: Electra, you sat behind Zane in Latin class for four years, and you never even talked. And now he's supposed to suddenly become a big part in your life?
Electra Pollack: Well, my aunt talked to his grandmother and she said that he just broke up with someone. Stranger things have happened.
Holly Petuto: Electra, you haven't seen Zane in 10 years.
Electra Pollack: Well, that's not true. I bumped into him eight years ago in 1989. Do I look terrible? You look beautiful. You're always so perfect.
Holly Petuto: Only since the plane crash.
Patty Reed: Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Kevin MacEldowney: [examining Patty's foot] Okay, I can't really do anything without an X-ray, the best thing is for you to call your doctor tonight.
Patty Reed: Could you write me a prescription?
Kevin MacEldowney: For what?
Patty Reed: I don't know. Nembutal?
Kevin MacEldowney: No, no, I can't do that.
Patty Reed: How about some valium?
Pat Prince: [walks up] Hey, what's up? What's with the foot?
Patty Reed: Kevin said it's broken.
Pat Prince: Oh, you poor thing. Let me take a look.
Kevin MacEldowney: I didn't say it was broken. Pat, I got this under control.
Pat Prince: [ignors Kevin] Does this hurt? Okay Patty, do you sleep with one leg outside the covers?
Patty Reed: Yes, I do. Can you write me a prescription?
Pat Prince: What do you need?
Patty Reed: Seconal?
Pat Prince: I can't do that.
Patty Reed: How about some demerol?
Kevin MacEldowney: [sarcastic] Patty, why don't we just give you a morphine trip?
Patty Reed: [eager] Okay!
Old Lady: [to Clay; rude tone] Move outta way you white dumb-ass motherfucker! You don't wear shades at night you white dumb-ass motherfucker!
[to the liquor store clerk]
Old Lady: Where's my goddamn groceries?
Liquor Store Clerk: Helen? Hey, where've you been? Whatcha you been doing?
Old Lady: Raisin' hell!
Kevin MacEldowney: You do what for a living?
Maria Goldstein: We export water to Europe. I have contacts in France, Germany, Italy, Spain, Portugal, Switzerland, Scandavavia, all over.
Kevin MacEldowney: But they have water there.
Maria Goldstein: It's a large market.
Kevin MacEldowney: Okay, so they send their water to us and we send ours to them? Why you don't just sell them their own water?
Maria Goldstein: Our product is very specific.
Kevin MacEldowney: How specific can it be? It's just water.
Maria Goldstein: Our bottles have a hand-pleasing shape.
Kevin MacEldowney: Bringing water from another continent is ridiculous!
Maria Goldstein: Yes, it is. Boy, I miss the old you.
[Maria exits as does Mollie and a few others, except for Kevin and Zane]
Kevin MacEldowney: Arriverderci, God. Can you belive that?
Zane Levy: [sarcastic] Man, you're being a real dick.
Kevin MacEldowney: What? Have you ever seen a bottle of water? They date it for freshness. What's it gonna do? Go bad?
Zane Levy: [serious tone] Kevin, shut up! Yes, it's ridiculous that she moves water from one country to the other, but it's what she does. What's up with you?
Kevin MacEldowney: Nothing.
Zane Levy: Then chill. Whatever's bothering you, deal with it. You don't want to lose all your friends and your wife in the same night.
Robert S. Levitt: Keep your voice down. What are you saying?
Reunion Band: You've got to pay for new speakers.
Robert S. Levitt: Oh, I have to? Look, it's not my fault if you don't know what you're doing and blow your speakers. Read your contract.
Reunion Band: Look, if you don't pay for new speakers for my band, I'm telling your mother.
Robert S. Levitt: [scoffs] You wouldn't.
[the bald singer angrily glares at Robert, whose facial expression turns from amused to serious]
Robert S. Levitt: [beat] Wait here. I'll make a call.
Zane Levy: You know, you really should stop mixing vodka with your antidpresseants.
Clay Mellon: Yeah, tell me something I don't know.
Zane Levy: So what's the story with your family? Father still hitting your mother?
Clay Mellon: Yeah, big show at the Labor Day barbecue last week. We all have our relatives over, right? And my Ma, she's been drinking since like... 8:00 a.m. or so. During dinner my Dad, who has been drinking since like 10:00 a.m., says to Ma, "pass the yams", and out of fuckin' nowhere, my Ma says "you want yams? I'll give you yams!" And she picks up the fuckin' bowl and throws 'em out the fuckin' window. Oh, and then she did this thing to my Dad. Oh, what's that word?
Zane Levy: Bludgeoned?
Clay Mellon: Emasculated. So, what's with you? How's the music thing going? I hear your song on the radio all the time.
Zane Levy: [sarcastic] Yeah, they play it like 100 million times a day.
Clay Mellon: It doesn't really sound like you.
Zane Levy: It doesn't? Hmm.
Kevin MacEldowney: Did you get lucky tonight?
Zane Levy: No. But there's always the flight back. How about you?
Kevin MacEldowney: Things are okay. You know, tonight I'm going to try to piss off the people upstairs for a change. Make them stay up all night. Is that mean?
Zane Levy: Yeah.
Kevin MacEldowney: Oh, I was going to start being nicer. Fuck it. I'll start tomorrow.