Romy: Michelle and I have this high school reunion to go to, and we need to show up in a really cool car.
Romy: Todd told me he gave you a really great deal on a convertible and that you were fixing it up.
Romy: So... can I borrow your car?
Ramon: Well, if I loan you my car, what do I get?
Romy: Uh... what do you want?
Ramon: [looks her up and down] Oh, Romy... you know what I want.
Romy: Forget it! I'm not going to have sex with you just to borrow your stupid car!
Ramon: I gotta get something!
Romy: OK... close the blinds, and we'll work something out.
Christie: So, Mi-chelle! What are you up to?
Michele: Oh, okay. Um, I invented Post-Its.
Christie: No offense, Michele, but how in the world did *you* think of Post-Its?
[looks across the room at Romy talking to Billy Christianson]
Romy: And I thought of them completely by myself. I mean, all Michele did was say: "What about making them yellow?"
Michele: [turns to the A Group] Actually I invented a special kind of glue.
Christie: Oh really? Well then I'm sure you wouldn't mind giving us a detailed account of exactly how you concocted this miracle glue, would you?
Michele: No. Um, well, ordinarily when you make glue first you need to thermoset your resin and then after it cools you have to mix in an epoxide, which is really just a fancy-schmancy name for any simple oxygenated adhesive, right? And then I thought maybe, just maybe, you could raise the viscosity by adding a complex glucose derivative during the emulsification process and it turns out I was right.
Romy: Swear to God, sometimes I wish I was a lesbian.
Michele: Do you want to try to have sex sometime just to see if we are?
Romy: What? Yeah, right, Michelle. Just the idea of having sex with another woman creeps me out. But if we're not married by the time we're 30, ask me again.
Michele: Oh my God, you did it!
Romy: Yeah, I did.
Michele: What did you have to do?
Romy: I had to give everyone in the service department hand jobs.
Michele: Well, while you were doing that, I made us a tape of all the nostalgic songs from high school to get us in the mood.
Romy: Do you really think I would do that? For a car? Just get in.
Michele: For me, it's like I've just given birth to my own baby girl, except she's like a big giant girl who smokes and says "shit" a lot. You know?
Cheryl: I don't believe it!
Kelly: They're back!
Christie: Nice outfits. Post-it's must be really lucrative!
Michele: Romy, are you sure you wanna do this?
Romy: Oh yeah, Michele. I am SO sure!
[they approach Christie, Cheryl, & Kelly]
Romy: What the hell is your problem, Christie? Why the hell are you always such a nasty bitch? I mean, okay, so Michele and I did make up some stupid lie! We only did it because we wanted you to treat us like human beings. But you know what I realized? I don't care if you like us, 'cause we don't like you. You're a bad person with an ugly heart, and we don't give a flying fuck what you think!
[Cheryl and Kelly laugh sarcastically]
Romy: Come on Michele.
Michele: Okay, and... YEAH!
Christie: Unbelievable! They're as deluded about their lives as they are about those HIDEOUS clothes
Lisa Luder: Actually Christie. They have nice lines. A fun, frisky use of color. All and all, I'd have to say they're really... NOT BAD!
Christie: Well, WE still think they're ridiculous. Don't we girls?
Lisa Luder: Why don't you just let them think for themselves for once?
Christie: You're just jealous. Because unlike a certain ball-busting dried up career woman, I might mention, we're all HAPPILY MARRIED!
Lisa Luder: That's right, Christie. Keep telling yourself that.
Michele: Remember the prom? You got so thin by then.
Romy: Oh, I know. I was so lucky getting mono. That was like the best diet ever.
Romy: Heather, um, has anyone ever told you that smoking can kill you?
Heather: No. No one. Thank you.
Heather: [attempting to light a cigarette, turns and sees the cowboy offering her a light] Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph, what do you want?
Cowboy: You were right, I was a brain dead redneck asshole. Though I never screwed a sheep or my sister.
Heather: Why not, couldn't catch 'em?
Michele: Did you lose weight?
Romy: Actually, I have been trying this new fat free diet I invented. All I've had to eat for the past six days are gummy bears, jelly beans, and candy corns.
Michele: God, I wish I had your discipline.
Michelle: What are you picking on us for any way? We are NOT the ones who got fat.
Christie: We're pregnant, you half-wit.
Michelle: Oh yeah? Well, I hope your babies look like monkeys!
Michele: You look so good with blond hair and black roots its like not even funny.
Billy Christiansen: Wanna get a room?
Romy: But you're married!
Billy Christiansen: To Christie!
Romy: Yeah, but you have children, and you're a successful real estate developer.
Billy Christiansen: I do dry wall for her old man's construction company, and you know this new kid, don't even know if he's mine! So, how about that room?
Romy: Okay. Why don't you get that room? Why don't you wash your face and take off all your clothes? And, I'll be there in five minutes.
Billy Christiansen: All right! Your fantasy is going to come true tonight. See you later!
Romy: Now he's going to see what it feels like to wait.
Michele: Such a good one.
Heather: Why don't you tell everyone I said to go fuck themselves for making my teen years a living hell?
[looking at yearbook pictures]
Romy: Oh my God! Remember what a big controversy it was for us to have our picture taken together?
Michele: Yeah, because Danny Weller like, lodged that complaint. Because alphabetically he was supposed to be between us.
Romy: So we said: "OK Danny. If you want to be between us, come to Michele's house on Friday night and we'll be waiting."
Michele: And then he showed up, and we were like: "Danny, it was a joke!"
Romy: And then we turned the sprinklers on him!
[both laugh hysterically]
Michele: Oh my God!
[abruptly stops laughing]
Michele: Didn't he die?
Romy: I think so.
Michele: Hey Romy, remember Mrs. Divitz's class, there was like always a word problem. Like, there's a guy in a rowboat going X miles, and the current is going like, you know, some other miles, and how long does it take him to get to town? It's like, 'Who cares? Who wants to go to town with a guy who drives a rowboat?
Romy: [mocking the film "Pretty Woman"] Aw, look, poor thing - they won't let her shop. Yeah - like those salesgirls in Beverly Hills aren't bigger whores than she is.
Romy: Hey, um, great suit. Is that an Armani?
Suit Salesman: Yes. Yes, it is.
Romy: I thought so. So, what do you do?
Suit Salesman: I'm a suit salesman.
Romy: Would you excuse me? I cut my foot before and my shoe is filling up with blood.
Heather: Do you live with Michele Weinberger?
Heather: I just figured she'd be married to Sandy by now.
Romy: Sandy Frink?
Heather: Yes, Sandy Frink! He could barely contain his erection every time she walked by! Why do you think he always carried around that huge notebook?
Romy: The Frink-a-zoid and Michele... I'm sure! Besides, didn't *you* have a thing for Sandy in high school?
Heather: I did not have a THING! I did not have a thing, I did NOT have a THING! I was VERY much in love with him! VERY much in love and there's a difference!
[to customer behind her]
Heather: There's a difference!
Heather: There's a difference! I have to go now!
Romy: All I ever wanted was for people to think that we were better than we were in high school. And now we're just a stupid joke, just like we always were.
Michele: Romy, can I tell you the truth? I never knew that we weren't that great in high school. I mean, we always had so much fun together... I thought high school was a blast! And until you told me that our lives weren't good enough, I thought everything *since* high school was a blast. I think we should go back out there as ourselves, and just have fun like we always do. The hell with everyone else!
Romy: I don't think I can.
Michele: Well, do you think you can stop being such a baby? God! I feel like I've been, like, chasing you all over this reunion. We have come all this way, now we are going to enjoy ourselves whether you like it or not!
Romy: God, Michele... I've never seen this side of your personality before. You're so bossy and domineering. I like it!
Michele: [Smiling] Me too!
Heather: This dress exacerbates the genetic betrayal that is my legacy.
Michele: OK, I don't even know what you're talking about cause of those words, but come here.
Michele: You know, even though I had to wear that stupid back brace and you were kind of fat, we were still totally cutting edge.
Michele: Sandy Frink has a helicopter?
Romy: Yeah, apparently he's worth millions. He invented some kind of rubber.
Michele: Like for condoms?
Michele: To me, fashion is just like... everything.
[looks at a customer looking into a mirror]
Michele: By the way... Hi! That blouse looks great on you!
Irate Customer: [looking pleased] Thank you!
Michele: And see? I have this really believable way of telling people they look really good, even though I'm just, you know...
[does masturbating gesture]
Irate Customer: [looks embarrassed and leaves]
Michele: [whispers] I think she heard me.
[they both trail off and look at each other]
Romy: I have no idea what the rest of the lyrics are...
Ramon: You have to say something nice about my penis!
Romy: Oh, Ramon! Your penis is so powerful! I'm coming! Okay, thanks, get off me now.
[Heather thinks she's never made anyone's life hell]
Toby Walters: Since you never got around to it in high school, I was wondering if you would sign my yearbook. And please don't tell me to fuck off, because it really hurts my feelings.
Heather: I hurt your feelings?
Toby Walters: Yeah, all the time.
Heather: Tremendous! That's tremendous! Go get your stupid yearbook, I would be happy to sign it!
Heather: Wow, all that time you guys were making my life hell, the A group was doing the same thing to you! I had no idea!
Michele: You know? I bet in high school, everybody made somebody's life hell.
Heather: Nope, sorry, never had the opportunity.
Michele: I bet that's not true...
Heather: You think?
Michele: Oh, yeah, you were really unpleasant.
Romy: You have absolutely no proof that you're cuter.
Michele: Oh, proof. You want proof? Ok, fine. Who lost their virginity first?
Romy: Oh, big wow, with your cousin Barry. I wouldn't brag about it.
Heather: OK cowboy, I don't know what your trip is, but if this is some kind of a sick game... If you fuck with me, in any way, I will rip each and every appendage from your body, starting with your dick. Capice?
Michele: You know, even though we've watched Pretty Woman like thirty-six times, I never get tired of making fun of it.
[the secret of her cigarette paper invention]
Heather: Twice the taste in half the time for the gal on the go.
Heather: [after the Cowboy says he wants to talk to her] Okay. What the hell! What is your name?
Heather: I like your hat, Clarence. Pick up the pace!
Romy: Do you have some sort of business woman special?
Truck Stop Waitress: Come again?
Romy: Well, were business women.
Michele: From LA.
Romy: And you know how some places have like a lunch special?
Michele: For business women...
Truck Stop Waitress: We don't have anything like that.
Romy: Ok we'll take 2 burgers, fries, and medium cokes cause were in a hurry.
Michele: We're due in Tucson later... some business thing, you know.
Truck Stop Waitress: What kind of business you all in?
[Romy and Michele give a long pause]
Romy: [reading the customer paperwork] Heather? Heather Mooney? From Sagebrush High in Tuscon?
Heather: [disinterested yet quietly anxious] Yeah?
Romy: [excitedly] It's Romy! Romy White!
Heather: [disinterestedly taking a drag from her cigarette] You're shittin' me.
Romy: No! This is so weird - I didn't know you were living in L.A.
Heather: Well, now that you know, will we be getting together a lot?
Michele: [On video phone in the future in Michelle's dream] Billy, honey. Tell your mommy that Michelle Wienberger is on the phone.
Romy: No. Not Until you admit that I'm the Mary, and you're the Rhoda.
Michele: I'm the Mary! You're a pasty hag on your death bed!
Christie: Thanks a lot Romy.
Christie: Thanks for stealing my boyfriend!
Romy: What are you talking about?
Christie: Billy just broke up with me. Apparently he's had a crush on you since Mr. Roswell's class and now that he knows that you like him, he doesn't want to pretend with me anymore. My life was perfect and you ruined it! Oh!
Romy: I swear to God Christy, I didn't even think he'd dance with me!
Michele: Wow, she is really P.O.'d. This is so cool!
Romy: I know. It's like I had this dream where Billy was like in love with me, and he was in a wheelchair, but still, it's like it's coming true!
Romy: Well, anyways, are you going?
Heather: [referring to her cigarette] I'd rather put this out in my ass!
Romy: I've been killing myself for eight days and I gained a pound.
Michele: That's impossible. Did you deduct sixteen pounds for your shoes?
Romy: Isn't it weird when you're not friends with your friends anymore? I mean, Michele and I just fell out of touch about two hours ago.
Heather: Why are you tormenting me? Why don't you go fuck a sheep, or your sister, or YOURSELF? Braindead redneck asshole!
[Romy whips Michele in the face with her hair]
Michele: Ow! That hurt! But it looked really good!
Romy: The reunion is less than two weeks away. I just can't believe that you turned down a job!
Michele: Well, I thought the whole point of going to the reunion was to impress people. I mean, how am I gonna impress ANYBODY by selling ban-lon smocks at Bargain Mart?
[looking at yearbook pictures]
Romy: Well we definitely weren't in the A group, but you know, we weren't really in the B group either.
Michele: Oh my god! We weren't in the C group were we?
Romy: Oh god no, that was, like, all the losers and honor students, like Sandy Frink and Heather Mooney.
Michele: So, Romy, what group WERE we in?
Romy: Well, we weren't really in a group, we were more like loners. Oh look! There we are!
Michele: Yeah, and alone.
[Michele is a at job interview]
Michele: Well, my first choice was to work at a boutique on Rodeo Drive, but this would be okay.
Mr. Lish: [addressing Romy & Michele] Just a reminder, girls - you have DETENTION after school today.
Michele: Yeah, we're really looking forward to it!
[Mr. Lish looks at them, stunned, then quickly withdraws]
Romy: Can you believe he just got married? Like how desperate is she?
Michele: [after Romy takes a half-eaten Dorito from her and puts it back in the bag] Like that one chip is gonna make a difference... wasn't even a whole chip.
Romy: Hey, if anyone needs to make a call, I've got a phone!
[the A-Group look embarrassed and confused]
Romy: Michele? Now that I'm looking at this, our lives don't seem as impressive as I thought.
Michele: They don't?
Romy: Well, do you think it's impressive that we're still single, and we've been living together for ten years, and I'm a cashier and you're unemployed?
Michele: Not super-impressive.
Romy: Then, what's the point of going if we're not going to impress people?
Michelle: You know, you really shouldn't let people fill out applications if you don't want them to actually try to get a job here. No, no, that's all I have to say.
Christie: [addressing Michele] Oh - it's the back-brace girl!
The 'A' group: [in sneering tone] Hi, back-brace girl!
Michele: [looking around discount outlet disgustedly] I'd like to go... away!
Creepy Manager: [explaining the pros and cons of Michele's new job] You also get a 5% employee discount over and above our everyday low prices.
[proudly showing off garish tie]
Creepy Manager: I got this tie for a dollar.
Michele: [aghast] You paid a whole dollar for that?
Creepy Manager: [explaing the pros and cons of the job] You also get a 5% employee discount, over and above our everyday low prices.
[proudly shows off a gaudy tie]
Creepy Manager: I got this tie for a dollar.
Michele: You paid a whole dollar for that?