Out to Sea (1997)
Mavis: Which Wright Brother did you buy this plane from?
Leon the Pilot: [sarcastic] Probably the one you dated in high school.
Mavis: Oh, that's reassuring. We have a funny pilot.
Charlie: Be careful! Some of the big fish can swallow you whole.
Herb: Swallow my what? You're not helping.
Charlie: There's no such thing as too late. That's why they invented death.
Herb: [to Gil Godwyn while in the lifeboat] /Listen to me, you sniveling little brown-nose. I have lived for 71 years, I've fought a war, I've buried my wife and I've survived 48 white sales at Gimble's. So if you think a little fop like you is gonna stop me, you've got another think coming!
[Herb and Charlie have successfully left the ship in the lifeboat]
Gil Godwyn: [furiously] I hope your boat capsizes and you drown like bloody rats!
[Ellen Carruthers walks in at this point]
Gil Godwyn: When that old bag makes me VP, I'll see to it you two never work on a cruise ship again as long as you LIVE!
[turns around, sees Ellen]
Gil Godwyn: [shocked, but tries to save face] Good evening, Ellen.
[Ellen heard Gil's rant]
Ellen Carruthers: You know, Gil. I never believed it but it's true. You really *are* an asshole!
Gil Godwyn: [flustered] I was simply doing my job.
Ellen Carruthers: Oh, you have no job. You're fired. Mac, as of now, you're my new CD.
Jonathan Devereaux: [as Ellen starts to leave] What about *me*?
Ellen Carruthers: [pointing to Mac] You're... his friend.
Ellen Carruthers: [Mac and Jonathan turn on Gil]
[Mac has replaced Gil as the Cruise Director]
Gil Godwyn: What's she talking about?
Mac Valor: She's talking about "Button that button, you little prick!"
Jonathan Devereaux: Prick.
Jonathan Devereaux: [Gil stands there, still in shock]
Liz LaBreche: [Charlie fakes a fall onto the deck to hide from Gil spotting him fraternizing with Liz] Oh, what's the matter? Are you all right?
Charlie: An old football injury.
Liz LaBreche: College?
Charlie: No, professional. The Jets blew a 30-point lead against the Dolphins. I tried to throw my TV set out the window.
Mavis: Which one of the Wright brothers did you buy this from?
Leon the Pilot: Probably the one you dated in high school.
Mavis: Wooo! I feel so much better. That's very reassuring. We have a FUNNY pilot!
Gil Godwyn: I'm your worst nightmare: a song-and-dance man raised on a military base.
Mavis LaBreche: I saw the way you were looking at my daughter's chest.
Charlie: I used to be a cardiologist.
Mavis LaBreche: I need a crap and a nap and I don't need an audience!"
Herb: Look at the size of this room! A good fart will give you a concussion!
[after seeing their cabin]
Herb: Cozy? A good fart will give you a concussion!
Herb: Listen, I'm not authorized to throw your ass over board, but I will!
Charlie: With an ass so beautiful, it's a shame she has to sit down on it.
Charlie: I'm waiting for my sexual prime.
Liz LaBreche: And just when do you think that's gonna happen?
Charlie: [Charlie looks at watch. She laughs]
Gil Godwyn: [Sniffing Charles] Is that cologne, or Armor All?
Charlie: That's close, close. It's cologne, but I bought it at a gas station.
Herb: I'll tell you the truth, Gil, I lost my wife not too long ago...
Gil Godwyn: Oh, good. Good! Tell it to the ladies. They eat it up.
Gil Godwyn: We shall have to call the Guinness Book of Records about your friend Charlie.
Herb: What? Now what?
Gil Godwyn: Oh, he's taking the longest piss in freaking recorded history
Charlie Gordon: Why are you sterilizing your trousers?
Herb: [Annoyed] I'm *steaming* them.
Charlie Gordon: Oh, then what are you gonna' do, eat 'em with garlic butter?
Herb: It takes the wrinkles out, you imbecile!
Charlie Gordon: Huh! When a man is steaming his pants at midnight, it generally means there's a broad.
Herb: No broad!
Charlie Gordon: Well, that's too bad, 'cause I got one lined up: rich... "Texas rich." With an ass so beautiful, it's a shame she has to sit down on it.
Herb: Will you do me a favor and just knock that stuff off?
Charlie Gordon: Oh, I'm sorry, I forgot you were cooking.
Liz LaBreche: My husband was in the oil business with my dad. If daddy trusted him, I figured I could trust him, too.
Charlie: So, what happened?
Liz LaBreche: Well, as it turned out, there were a lot of test wells he was drillin' on the side.
Charlie: Should've had him neutered.
Liz LaBreche: Oh, I did, ha ha. Except I used an attorney instead of a doctor.
Ellen Carruthers: [Dancing with Charlie, who is extremely awkward] What do you call this step?
Charlie: This is called "the Brazilian Creep."
Ellen Carruthers: Oh?
Charlie: In Brazil, of course, it's just called "the creep".
Charlie: [Seeing Vivian entering the dance area] So... it's the broad that stole our airplane seats.
Herb: [Annoyed] That "broad" happens to have been an editor at Doubleday.
Charlie: Who cares?
Herb: All I was, was a clerk at Gimbel's.
Charlie: And Secretariat was just a horse. Go on, ask her to dance!
Herb: Oh, it's too late, Charlie.
Charlie: There's no such thing as "too late". That's why they invented death!
Charlie Gordon: Liz... from the first moment I saw you on that ship... it was my intention to lie to you, I swear.
Liz LaBreche: Well, *that's* sweet.
Charlie Gordon: What I didn't intend, was falling in love with you.
Mac Valor: [Seeing Charlie and Herb dancing together] Don't ask, don't tell.
Mavis: Hah! A couple of gold diggers, comin' up empty. That's terrific!
Charlie: What do I look like, a schmuck?
Mavis: The jury's still out on that one.
Liz LaBreche: Shut up, ma. We're keepin' him.