Simon Bishop: You're why cavemen chiseled on walls.
Simon Bishop: Is this fun for you? You lucky devil. It just keeps getting better and better, doesn't it? I'm losing my apartment, Melvin. And Frank, he wants me to beg my parents, who haven't called me, for help. And I won't. And... I... I don't want to paint any more. So the life that I was trying for, is over. the life that I had is gone, and I'm feeling so damn sorry for myself that it's difficult to breathe.
Carol Connelly: Come on in, and try not to ruin everything by being you.
Melvin Udall: Maybe we could live *without* the wisecracks.
Carol Connelly: Maybe we could.
Carol Connelly: OK, we all have these terrible stories to get over, and you-...
Melvin Udall: It's not true. Some of us have great stories, pretty stories that take place at lakes with boats and friends and noodle salad. Just no one in this car. But, a lot of people, that's their story. Good times, noodle salad. What makes it so hard is not that you had it bad, but that you're that pissed that so many others had it good.
Carol Connelly: Have you ever let a romantic moment make you do something that you knew was stupid?
Frank Sachs: I grew up in hell! My grandmother has more attitude than you!
Frank Sachs: If there's a mental health organization that raises money for people like you, be sure to let me know.
Melvin Udall: Last word freak.
Melvin Udall: [to Verdell the dog] Don't be like me. Don't you be like me!
Melvin Udall: I've got a really great compliment for you, and it's true.
Carol Connelly: I'm so afraid you're about to say something awful.
Melvin Udall: Don't be pessimistic, it's not your style. Okay, here I go: Clearly, a mistake. I've got this, what - ailment? My doctor, a shrink that I used to go to all the time, he says that in fifty or sixty percent of the cases, a pill really helps. I *hate* pills, very dangerous thing, pills. Hate. I'm using the word "hate" here, about pills. Hate. My compliment is, that night when you came over and told me that you would never... all right, well, you were there, you know what you said. Well, my compliment to you is, the next morning, I started taking the pills.
Carol Connelly: I don't quite get how that's a compliment for me.
Melvin Udall: You make me want to be a better man.
Carol Connelly: ...That's maybe the best compliment of my life.
Melvin Udall: Well, maybe I overshot a little, because I was aiming at just enough to keep you from walking out.
Melvin Udall: [after telling Carol that he thinks she's the greatest woman on Earth] Is that something that's bad for you to be around, for you?
Carol Connelly: No.
Melvin Udall: [introducing Carol to Simon] Carol the waitress, Simon the fag.
Carol Connelly: When you first entered the restaurant, I thought you were handsome... and then, of course, you spoke.
Carol Connelly: Do you have any control over how creepy you allow yourself to get?
Melvin Udall: Yes I do, as a matter of fact. And to prove it, I have not gotten personal, and you have.
Carol Connelly: Fucking H.M.O. bastard pieces of shit!
Beverly Connelly: Carol!
Carol Connelly: Sorry.
Dr. Martin Bettes: It's okay. Actually, I think that's their technical name.
Melvin Udall: [to a group of depressed psychiatric patients] What if this is as good as it gets?
Melvin Udall: I might be the only person on the face of the earth that knows you're the greatest woman on earth. I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and how you are with Spencer, "Spence," and in every single thought that you have, and how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me.
Melvin Udall: Never, never, interrupt me, okay? Not if there's a fire, not even if you hear the sound of a thud from my home and one week later there's a smell coming from there that can only be a decaying human body and you have to hold a hanky to your face because the stench is so thick that you think you're going to faint. Even then, don't come knocking. Or, if it's election night, and you're excited and you wanna celebrate because some fudgepacker that you date has been elected the first queer president of the United States and he's going to have you down to Camp David, and you want someone to share the moment with. Even then, don't knock. Not on this door. Not for ANY reason. Do you get me, sweetheart?
Simon Bishop: [clears his throat] Uhm, yes. It's not a... subtle point that you're making.
Melvin Udall: Okay then.
[Shuts door in Simon's face]
Melvin Udall: [Sitting in the bar after Carol storms out] Well, it's not right to go into details, I got nervous. I screwed up, I said the wrong thing... Where if I hadn't, I could be in bed right now with a woman who, if you make her laugh, you got a life. Instead I'm here with you
[gestures to bartender]
Melvin Udall: . No offense, but a moron pushing the last legal drug.
Melvin Udall: [enters his psychiatrist's office] Hi.
Melvin Udall: *Help!*
Dr. Green: If you want to see me, you will not do this. You will make an appointment.
Melvin Udall: Dr. Green, how can you diagnose someone as an obsessive compulsive disorder, and then act like I have some choice about barging in here?
Melvin Udall: Where do they teach you to talk like this? In some Panama City "Sailor wanna hump-hump" bar, or is it getaway day and your last shot at his whiskey? Sell crazy someplace else, we're all stocked up here.
Melvin Udall: People who talk in metaphors oughta shampoo my crotch.
Simon Bishop: Thank you, Melvin. You... overwhelm me.
Simon Bishop: I love you.
Melvin Udall: I tell you, buddy... I'd be the luckiest guy alive if that did it for me.
Melvin Udall: I'm drowning here, and you're describing the water!
Carol Connelly: Do you want to dance?
Melvin Udall: I've been thinking about that for a while.
Carol Connelly: [standing up] Well?
Melvin Udall: No.
Melvin Udall: Judging from your eyes, I'd say you were fifty.
Carol Connelly: Judging from your eyes, I'd say you were kind, so so much for eyes.
Simon Bishop: If you stare at someone long enough, you discover their humanity.
Receptionist: I can't resist! You usually move through here so quickly and I just have so many questions I want to ask you. You have no idea what your work means to me.
Melvin Udall: What does it mean to you?
Receptionist: [stands up] When somebody out there knows what it's like...
[place one hand on her forehead and the other over her heart]
Receptionist: ... to be in here.
Melvin Udall: Oh God, this is like a nightmare.
[Turns around and presses the elevator button multiple times]
Receptionist: Oh come on! Just a couple of questions. How hard is that?
[Scampers up to Melvin]
Receptionist: How do you write women so well?
Melvin Udall: I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.
Simon Bishop: The best thing you have going for you is your willingness to humiliate yourself.
Melvin Udall: Can I ask you a personal question?
Simon Bishop: Sure.
Melvin Udall: You ever get an erection over a woman?
Simon Bishop: Melvin...
Melvin Udall: I mean, wouldn't your life be easier if you weren't...
Simon Bishop: You consider your life easy?
Melvin Udall: [pause] All right, I give you that one.
Carol Connelly: Melvin, I'd rather not.
Melvin Udall: What does that got to do with it?
Carol Connelly: Funny, I thought it was a strong point.
Melvin Udall: I can't do this without you. I'm afraid he might pull the stiff one-eye on me.
Melvin Udall: I can't get back to my old life. She's evicted me from my life!
Simon Bishop: Did you really like it all that much?
Carol Connelly: To hell with sex! It was better than sex! We held each other! What I needed, he gave me great.
Carol Connelly: [to Dr. Bettes, Spencer's wonderful new doctor] Can we get you anything else? Water, coffee, couple of female slaves?
Dr. Martin Bettes: My wife is Melvin Udall's publisher. She said that I was to take excellent care of this little guy because you are urgently needed back at work. What kind of work do you do?
Carol Connelly: I'm a waitress.
Beverly Connelly: In Manhattan.
Melvin Udall: You're a disgrace to depression.
Simon Bishop: Rot in hell, Melvin!
Melvin Udall: No need to stop being a lady. Quit worryin! You'll be back on your knees in no time!
Carol Connelly: How are you?
Simon Bishop: Don't ask. I'm tired of my own complaints. I need to get some new thoughts.
Carol Connelly: Why? What are you thinking about now?
Simon Bishop: How to die, mostly.
Carol Connelly: To think that in our little mix you're the good roommate.
Frank Sachs: You can take my car, a convertible. Do you drive?
Melvin Udall: Like the wind, BUT I'M NOT DOIN' IT!
Carol Connelly: Gettin' loud.
Carol Connelly: Why can't I have a normal boyfriend? Just a regular boyfriend, one that doesn't go nuts on me!
Beverly Connelly: Everybody wants that, dear. It doesn't exist.
Melvin Udall: I've got Jews at my table.
Carol Connelly: It's not your table, behave! This once, you can sit at someone else's station.
[all the other waitresses gasp]
Carol Connelly: Or you can wait your turn.
Melvin Udall: Police! Donut-munching morons, HELP ME! HELP ME!
Frank Sachs: Shh!
Melvin Udall: Assault and Battery - and you're black!
Simon Bishop: Lucky for you... you're here for rock-bottom. You absolute horror of a human being.
Simon Bishop: Verdell. What's wrong? You miss the tough guy?
Simon Bishop: Well, here I am, sweetheart! Happy to see me, you little pissant mop? How 'bout another ride down the chute?
Carol Connelly: [Melvin enters the restaurant in his suit] You look so se-... um, you look great. You look great.
Melvin Udall: I'm dying here.
Simon Bishop: Because you love her.
Melvin Udall: No! And you people are supposed to be sensitive and sharp?
Simon Bishop: Melvin, do you know where you're lucky? You know who you want.
Melvin Udall: [crying and laughing at the same time] Over a dog! Over an ugly dog!
Melvin Udall: [finishing his latest romance novel] "'You saved my life,' she said... 'You'd better make it up to me.'"
Melvin Udall: Did you have sex with her?
[Carol comes out of the bathroom]
Melvin Udall: Oh, sorry. I didn't know she was here. Did you have sex with her?
Melvin Udall: [dumping Verdell down the garbage chute] This is New York, pal. If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere!
Melvin Udall: Oh, you were talking about your dog. I thought you were referring to that colored man inside your apartment.
Simon Bishop: Uh, what color would that be?
Melvin Udall: Like uh, like thick MO-lasses.
Melvin Udall: [Melvin has once again insulted her without realizing it] Forget I said that.
Carol Connelly: I'll never forget you said it.
Melvin Udall: As long as you keep your work zipped up around me, I don't give a rat-crap what or where you shove your show. Are we done being neighbors for now?
Melvin Udall: How much more you got to eat? Appetites aren't as big as your noses, huh?
Melvin Udall: Just what the world needs, another actress.
Carol Connelly: [after Carol arrives at Melvin's apartment in the middle of the night] I'm not going to sleep with you! I will never sleep with you, never, ever! Not ever!
Melvin Udall: Well, I'm sorry, but, um... we don't open for the "no sex oaths" until 9am.
Carol Connelly: You're going to die soon with that diet. You know that, right?
Melvin Udall: Oh, we're all going to die soon. I will, you will, and it sure sounds like your son will.
Carol Connelly: A compliment is something nice about somebody else.
Carol Connelly: Is it a secret what you're doing here?
Melvin Udall: I had to see you.
Carol Connelly: Because?
Melvin Udall: It relaxes me. I'd feel better sitting ouside your apartment on the curb than any other place I can think of or imagine.
Melvin Udall: I don't get this place. They make me buy a new outfit and let you in a housedress. I don't get it.
Carol's Date: Just a little too much reality for a Friday night.
Simon Bishop: Waiting gives devil time.
Melvin Udall: [Hears a second knock at the door] Oh now I'm pissed. Now I AM REALLY PISSED!