Mandy Nichols: If you're thirsty, a drink will cure it, if you're not, a drink will prevent it. Prevention is better than a cure.
[at the cemetery for a funeral]
John Kelso: Why didn't you come in?
Minerva: I never enter the office on Sunday. Ba-a-d juju.
John Kelso: I've only been here three days and it's just a shooting, but give it time, okay. This place is fantastic. It's like Gone With the Wind on Mescalin. I know you're my agent. Listen to me, they walk imaginary pets here, Garland. On a fucking leash. Alright? And they're all heavily armed and drunk. New York is boring!
The Lady Chablis: It's like my mom always said: "Two tears in a bucket, motherfuck it."
John Kelso: I'll have to remember that one.
Jim Williams: Livin' here pisses off all the right people.
John Kelso: You know I'm straight.
The Lady Chablis: So am I. Straight to my house. Let's go.
Jim Williams: Yes, I am "nouveau riche," but then, it's the "riche" that counts, now isn't it?
Jim Williams: Which conversation shall we join?
John Kelso: The one least likely to involve gunfire.
Minerva: To understand the living, you got to commune with the dead.
Jim Williams: Sport, truth, like art, is in the eye of the beholder. You believe what you choose and I'll believe what I know.
Joe Odom: Joe's rule number two: If you have to leave a party, you always take a traveler.
The Lady Chablis: Yes, I am a bitch, and proud of it, honey.
John Kelso: Hey, Joe, what happened?
Joe Odom: Oh, that Jim Williams went and shot somebody. Canapé?
Billy Carl Hanson: [to Jim] Give me $20, I need it to get fucked up!
Jim Williams: He needed what I gave him and I needed what he gave me.
Jim Williams: Well, that's a very genteel way of asking if I come from old money.
John Kelso: Do you?
Jim Williams: No. I was born in Gordon, Georgia, a little town outside of Macon. My father was a barber, sometimes house builder. My mother was a secretary. What money I have is about eleven years old.
Billy Carl Hanson: You don't give me warnings, I give them to you, remember, 'cause I can back mine up.
The Lady Chablis: You better grow you some nails, honey, because if he's a gynecologist, he's mine.
Jim Williams: This is the dagger that Prince Yussopov used to murder Rasputin. He sliced off his cock and balls with it. True story, and deliciously evil, don't you think?
Mandy Nichols: It's better to be on the edge of a party, don't you think?
Woman at party: And there was Lyman, bleedin', sprawled in his favourite chair. You know, everyone knew our marriage was a disaster. If I'd so much as touched that gun, they'd have charged me with murder!
Mrs. Baxter: Mr. Kelso? Are you Mr. Kelso?
John Kelso: Yeah.
Mrs. Baxter: I'm Lorene Baxter. Welcome to Savannah. "Town And Country" is my favorite magazine. Oh, my land, where are my manners? What can I get you to drink?
John Kelso: Anything cold would be great.
Lucille Wright: Oh, you're gonna have fun tonight.
Jim Williams: Indeed he is, Lucille.
Minerva: Quit eye balling me, Flavius. I knew you when you was a two bit hustler on Bull Street.
The Lady Chablis: Either he got some good old stuff, girl, or you're horny as hell.
The Lady Chablis: If I catch any of you bitches near him, honey, I want you to know, you're gonna have to deal with the Lady Chablis, the Doll, the Grand Empress, and my mother fucking ice pick. So keep your hands off a that one, okay?
John Kelso: Hey, Sonny, what happened?
Sonny Seiler: Nine jurors indicted murder one. They're trying to put our friend away for life.
Jim Williams: I'm innocent, John. It's important that you believe that. Do you believe that?
John Kelso: Yes, I do. I'm having trouble getting anyone to talk to me out here, Jim.
Phillip: I'm an escort.
The Lady Chablis: An escort? Do you work for one of those services?
Phillip: No, I'm escorting my sister.
The Lady Chablis: Please don't tell me you're doing it with your sister?
The Lady Chablis: You know what, hun? I told her the same thing. I said if Vanessa Williams can pull one off on the Miss America committee, then her little whoring around in Atlanta, Georgia, was not going to mean anything to a little steering committee in Savannah.