Edgar: I go out, I work my butt off to make a living, all I want is to come home to a nice clean house with a nice fat steak on the table, but instead I get this. It looks like poison. Don't you take that away, I'm eating that, damn it! It IS poison, isn't it? I swear to God I would not be surprised if it was, the way you skulk around here like a dog that's been hit too much or ain't been hit enough, I can't make up my mind. You're useless, Beatrice. The only thing that pulls its weight around here is my goddamn truck!
[Just then, a flying saucer smashes his truck, and Edgar comes out of the house to look at the damage]
Kay: All right... That's confiscated. All of it. And I want you on the next transport off this rock or I'm gonna shoot you where it don't grow back.
Jay: [shaken] Yeah and... and... and I'm gonna be back to talk about them Rolexes.
Zed: We're not hosting an intergalactic kegger down here.
Dr. Weaver: What's with the cat?
Cop in Morgue: Oh, the cat. Yeah, well, there's a problem with the cat. Sign here.
Dr. Weaver: [signing] What's the problem with the cat?
Cop in Morgue: It's your problem.
[leaves chortling at his own joke]
Dr. Weaver: I hate the living.
Kay: All right, Beatrice, there was no alien. The flash of light you saw in the sky was not a UFO. Swamp gas from a weather balloon was trapped in a thermal pocket and reflected the light from Venus.
Jay: Wait a minute. You just flash that thing, it erases her memory, and you just make up a new one?
Kay: A standard issue neuralyzer.
Jay: And that weak-ass story's the best you can come up with?
Kay: On a more personal note Beatrice, Edgar ran off with an old girlfriend. You're gonna go stay with your mom a couple nights. You're gonna get over it and decide you're better off.
Jay: Well, yeah, you know, 'cause 'cause he never appreciated you anyway. In fact, you know what - you kicked HIM out! And now that he's gone you're gonna go into town, you go to Bloomingdale's and find some nice dresses, get yourself some shoes, you know, find somewhere, maybe you can get a facial. And, uh, oh - hire a decorator to come in here quick, 'cause... DAMN.
[to candidates rejected as MIB agents]
Zed: Gentlemen, congratulations. You're everything we've come to expect from years of government training. Now please step this way, as we provide you with our final test: an eye exam...
[a series of flashes occur]
Zed: You'll dress only in attire specially sanctioned by MiB special services. You'll conform to the identity we give you, eat where we tell you, live where we tell you. From now on you'll have no identifying marks of any kind. You'll not stand out in any way. Your entire image is crafted to leave no lasting memory with anyone you encounter. You're a rumor, recognizable only as deja vu and dismissed just as quickly. You don't exist; you were never even born. Anonymity is your name. Silence your native tongue. You're no longer part of the System. You're above the System. Over it. Beyond it. We're "them." We're "they." We are the Men in Black.
Bug: Place your projectile weapon on the ground.
Edgar: You can have my gun, when you pry it from my cold dead fingers.
Bug: Your proposal is acceptable.
Jay: Zed, don't you guys ever get any sleep around here?
Zed: The twins keep us on Centaurian time, standard thirty-seven hour day. Give it a few months. You'll get used to it... or you'll have a psychotic episode.
Kay: Set for pulsar level five, subsonic implosion factor two.
Kay: Just shoot the damn thing on the count of three!
Kay: All right, kid, here's the deal. At any given time there are approximately 1500 aliens on the planet, most of them right here in Manhattan. And most of them are decent enough, they're just trying to make a living.
Jay: Cab drivers?
Kay: Not as many as you'd think.
Kay: Arquillian battle rules, kid: first we get an ultimatum, then a warning shot, then we have a galactic standard week to respond.
Jay: A galactic standard week? How the hell long is that?
Kay: One hour.
Jay: One hour... then what?
[the message translation flashes across the screen: "MIB, DELIVER THE GALAXY OR EARTH WILL BE DESTROYED."]
Jay: Oh, now that's bullshit.
[the message adds, "SORRY." The countdown begins]
Edwards: [chasing perp] Freeze! NYPD! Freeze!
[the perp he is chasing does not slow down]
Edwards: Freeze means stop!
Jay: There's only one way off this planet, baby, and that's through me.
[the bug kicks Jay aside]
Jay: Did you ever flashy-thing me?
Jay: I ain't playing with you, K. Did you ever flashy-thing me?
Elle: Hey, Jay! Zed called. The high consulate from Solaxiant 9 wants floor seats for the next Bulls game.
Jay: All right, let's put in a call to Dennis Rodman. He's from that planet.
Elle: Rodman? You're kidding.
Elle: Not much of a disguise.
Jay: [suited up] You know what the difference is between you and me? I make this look GOOD.
Kay: Put up your arms and all your flippers.
Kay: Meet the Twins, Bweryang and Bob.
Beatrice: You here to make fun of me too?
Kay: No, ma'am. We at the FBI do not have a sense of humor we're aware of. May we come in?
[J has just jumped from a bridge onto a tour bus]
Jay: [to startled passengers] It just be raining black people in New York!
Kay: Not bad for your second day of work, is it?
Jay: This definitely rates about a 9.0 on my weird-shit-o-meter.
Kay: You should've been here for the Zeronian migration in 1968.
Perp: [talking to himself] He's coming! He's coming!
James Edwards: Yeah, and when he gets here, I'll arrest his ass too!
[the Bug takes Dr. Weaver with him into the flying saucer]
Edgar: You're coming with me.
Dr. Weaver: What?
Edgar: It's a long trip. I'll need a snack.
Kay: You sold a reverberating carbonizer with mutate capacity to an unlicensed cephalopoid, Jeebs, you piece of shit...
Jeebs: He looked all right to me.
Kay: [looking skywards] They're beautiful, aren't they?
Kay: The stars.
Jay: K, you're frightening your partner...
Kay: I haven't been looking for a partner. I've been looking for a replacement.
Jay: K, I can NOT do this by myself, all right?
Dr. Weaver: Hey, guys, can you drop me off home? My apartment isn't in this area...
Kay: I've just been down the gullet of an interstellar cockroach. That's one of a hundred memories I don't want.
Jay: Unlimited technology from the whole universe, and we cruise 'round in a Ford P.O.S.
Kay: Did he say anything to you?
James Edwards: Yeah, that the world is coming to an end.
Kay: Did he say when?
[Edwards looks at K oddly]
Jay: [stepping on some cockroaches] Oh, I'm sorry. Was that your auntie? Then that must be your uncle over there!
Kay: This caused the 1977 New York blackout. A practical joke by the great attractor. He thought it was funny as hell.
Kay: We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public!
Jay: Man, we ain't got time for this cover-up bullshit! I don't know whether or not you've forgotten, but there's an Arquillian Battle Cruiser that's about to...
Kay: There's always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!
[after getting his head shot off]
Jeebs: You insensitive pricks! Do you have any idea how much that stings?
Zed: Kay, give the kid a weapon.
[Kay opens a chest filled with intergalactic guns. He picks up a large rifle]
Kay: A Series Four De-atomizer.
Jay: That's what I'm talkin' about.
Kay: [picks up a very tiny gun and gives it to Jay] Noisy Cricket.
Jay: [stares the weapon in disgust] Hey, Kay, nah, nah. Come on, man, you-you get a Series Four De-atomizer and I-I get a little - little midgy cricket?
Kay: [notices Jay is pointing the gun in his direction] WHOA! kid...
[grabs the arm Jay is holding the weapon with and points it away from him]
Jay: Feel like I'm gonna break this damn thing...!
Edgar: You idiots! You don't get it - I've won! It's over! You're milksuckers! You don't matter! In fact, in just a few seconds you won't even BE matter!
Jay: You know what they say. It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Kay: Try it.
Jay: All right, I'm in. 'Cause there's some next level shit going on and I'm OK with that. But before y'all go beaming me up there's one thing you gotta remember: You chose me... so you recognized the skills, so I don't want nobody calling me son or kid or sport or nothing like that, cool?
Kay: Cool, whatever you say, slick, but I need to tell you something about all your skills. As of right now, they mean precisely... dick.
INS Agent Janus: [seeing K take an immigrant into custody] Sir! Sir, you can't do that...!
Kay: Don't "Sir" me young man, you have no idea who you're dealing with!
Edgar/Bug: Y'know, I've noticed an infestation here. Everywhere I look, in fact. Nothing but undeveloped, unevolved, barely conscious pond scum, totally convinced of their own superiority as they scurry about their short, pointless lives.
Zap-Em Man: Well, yeah. Uh... don't you want to get rid of 'em?
Edgar/Bug: Ah... in the worst way.
[Jay and Kay meet a strange-looking man holding a dog on a leash]
Jay: Now that's the worst disguise ever. That guy's gotta be an alien.
Frank the Pug: You don't like it, you can kiss my furry little butt!
Kay: I don't suppose you know what kind of alien life form leaves a green spectral trail and craves sugar water, do you?
Jay: Uh, wait, that was on "Final Jeopardy!" last night. Damn, Alex said...
Kay: [opening his cell phone] Zed, we have a bug.
[Dr. Weaver is trying to stall Edgar so she can escape]
Dr. Weaver: You don't want to eat me. I'm a very important person on my planet. Like a queen, a goddess even. There are those who worship me. I'm not saying this to impress you, I'm just warning you it could start a war.
Edgar: War? Good. That means more food for my family. All 78 million of them. That's a lot of mouths to feed, Highness.
Dr. Weaver: You're a wonderful dad, but I'm staying HERE!
Kay: This is gonna replace CD's soon; guess I'll have to buy the White Album again... Ah...
[diverting attention elsewhere]
Kay: That is a lot of fun. It's a universal translator. We're not even supposed to have it, and I'll tell you why... Human thought is so primitive it's looked upon as an infectious disease in some of the better galaxies. That kind of makes you proud, doesn't it? huh?
[Jay has just helped deliver an alien baby]
Kay: Congratulations, Reg. It's a... squid.
[after delivering a squid-like alien baby]
Jay: You know it's actually kinda...
[baby throws up on him]
Edgar: Get your big butt back in the house!
Beatrice: Edgar, what on earth was that?
Edgar: [Bug in disguise] Sugar...
Beatrice: I've never seen sugar do that.
Edgar: Give me... sugar... in water.
Nick the Van Driver: Goddamn bugs!
Kay: You're nothing but a smear on the Sports page to me, you slimy, ugly, intestinal parasite! Eat me! Eat me!
[the Bug swallows Kay whole]
Jay: Kay! Kay!
Kay: Did anything about that seem unusual to you?
Edgar: Where do you keep your dead?
Manny the News Vendor: [thinks] I don't have any dead.
Manny the News Vendor: I don't know, the city morgue!
[Jay notices the bug driving away]
[raising his gun]
Jay: Get down!
[Kay ducks. Jay shoots and the glass window shatters, the mailbox explodes and Jay is thrown against the wall behind him]
Passport Officer: You ever heard of Division 6?
Police Inspector: There is no Division 6. This is bullshit.
Passport Officer: Yeah.
Jay: [to Bug] Oh, you have so got to die!
[after Kay informs Zed that they have a bug]
Jay: And what, we don't like bugs?
Kay: Bugs thrive on carnage, Tiger. They consume, infest, destroy, live off the death and destruction of other species.
Jay: You were stung as a child, weren't you?
Kay: Imagine a giant cockroach, with unlimited strength, a massive inferiority complex, and a real short temper, is tear-assing around Manhattan Island in a brand-new Edgar suit. That sound like fun?
Kay: We're gonna check the hot sheets.
[Kay pulls up to a newsstand and buys a pile of supermarket tabloids]
Jay: THESE are the hot sheets?
Kay: Best investigative reporting on the planet. But go ahead, read the New York Times if you want. They get lucky sometimes.
Kay: So what do you think?
Jay: Whew! Very interesting. She got a whole "queen of the undead" thing going on...
Kay: What about the body?
Jay: Great body...
Kay: The DEAD body.
Jay: HEY, OLD GUYS! Do those still work?
[points at the ships on the towers at Flushing Meadows]
[the alien perp is on top of a building running away from Jay. He opens up a door and sees Jay pointing his gun at him]
Jay: What's up?
Perp: He's coming because I failed and now he'll kill me, too.
Jay: Yeah, well you just pissing everybody off today, huh?
Perp: You don't understand. Your world's gonna end.
[He blinks with his eyeballs]
Jay: What the hell are you?
[the perp is on the edge of the building]
Jay: Hey, watch that ledge. Watch the ledge. Look, come on down and we'll get those eyes fixed. Don't even worry about it. Let me talk to you. Hey, hey!
[the perp raises his arms, falls off the building and lands on the sidewalk]
NYPD Sergeant at Edwards ' Interrogation: Edwards, if you were half the man that I am...
Jay: Hey man, what are you talking about? I AM half the man that you are!
Kay: We are the best kept secret in the galaxy. We monitor, licence and police all alien activity on the Earth. We're your first, last, and only line of defense. We live in secret, we exist in shadow.
Jay: And we dress in black.
Kay: Searching for a handle on the moment? I can't help you. The only comfort I can offer... is my promise that tomorrow morning you won't remember a thing.
Jay: [about to be neuralyzed] That's not exactly some shit you just forget...
Police Inspector: I want to talk to you.
NYPD Sergeant at Edwards ' Interrogation: [shouting at Edwards] Ten minutes - you take your best shot, tough guy!
Police Inspector: Outside, now!
James Edwards: Take ten minutes on a Stairmaster, you pudgy bastard!
Jay: All we gotta do is go in here and get a cat. It's not that hard. But if you go in there, you're gonna lay your Jack Webb on her, start flashing your brain-ray all in her face. You're gonna wind up giving her leukemia or something. Woman's a doctor, she don't need you flashing away half her med school classes. Five minutes.
Kay: Two minutes.
Gentle Rosenburg the Arquillian Jeweler: [to his cat] Okay, sweetie. Just hang on while I pay the impolite man.
Jay: [blows out] That's right, that's - Ooh! Um, Kay! Oh, damn, man! Hey, uh, something's - Kay! Something's peekin', man!
INS Agent Janus: Who are you, really?
[puts on a pair of sunglasses]
Kay: I am just a figment of your imagination.
Kay: Damn, what a gullible breed... I'm serious, fellas, you're lucky to be alive after a blast like that.
INS Agent Janus: What blast?
Kay: Underground gas main, genius! You fellas need to exercise a lot more caution before discharging your firearms, I'll tell you that much right now. Especially you.
[points at Janus]
Kay: Now have yourselves checked out with EMS on the other side of the hill before you leave.
Kay: Oh, the red button there kid, don't ever, ever touch the red button!
Kay: Do you remember the little red button?
Jay: [warily] Yeah...
Kay: Push the little red button.
[Jay pushes it]
Kay: And you may want to put on a seatbelt...
[the car flips upside down, sprouts rocket engines and begins riding along the top of the tunnel. Kay is safe because he has a seatbelt on, but Jay is flipped over]
Jay: Kay! Kayyyyy!
[the Edgar-Bug has just captured the deputy medical examiner Laurel Weaver and is holding her at ray-gunpoint]
Kay: Let her go, shit eater.
Bug: Oh, listen, monkey boy. Compared to you humans, I'm on the top of the evolutionary ladder, so can it, all right?
Kay: You're breaking my heart. Show me your face and I'll cure all your ills.
Bug: You ever pull the wings off a fly? You care to see the fly get even?
James Edwards: Maybe you already answered this, but, why exactly are we here?
Zed: [noticing a recruit raising his hand] Son?
Second Lieutenent Jake Jenson: Second Lieutenant, Jake Jenson. West Point. Graduate with honors. We're here because you are looking for the best of the best of the best, sir!
[throws Edwards a contemptible glance]
Second Lieutenent Jake Jenson: [Edwards laughs]
Zed: What's so funny, Edwards?
James Edwards: Boy, Captain America over here! "Best of the best of the best, sir!" "With honors." Yeah, he's just really excited and he has no clue why we're here.
Edwards: Why the big secret? People are smart. They can handle it.
Kay: A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it. Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew the Earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on this planet. Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
Edwards: What's the catch?
Kay: The catch? The catch is you will sever every human contact. Nobody will ever know you exist anywhere. Ever. I'll give you to sunrise to think it over.
[starts walking away]
Edwards: [shouting after Kay] Hey! Is it worth it?
Kay: Oh yeah, it's worth it...
[starts walking again, stops and turns back briefly]
Kay: ... if you're strong enough!
[In a shooting range, confronted with numerous menacing-looking targets, Edwards shoots a cardboard little girl]
Zed: May I ask why you felt little Tiffany deserved to die?
James Edwards: Well, she was the only one that actually seemed dangerous at the time, sir.
Zed: How'd you come to that conclusion?
James Edwards: Well, first I was gonna pop this guy hanging from the street light, and I realized, y'know, he's just working out. I mean, how would I feel if somebody come runnin' in the gym and bust me in my ass while I'm on the treadmill? Then I saw this snarling beast guy, and I noticed he had a tissue in his hand, and I'm realizing, y'know, he's not snarling, he's sneezing. Y'know, ain't no real threat there. Then I saw little Tiffany. I'm thinking, y'know, eight-year-old white girl, middle of the ghetto, bunch of monsters, this time of night with quantum physics books? She about to start some shit, Zed. She's about eight years old, those books are WAY too advanced for her. If you ask me, I'd say she's up to something. And to be honest, I'd appreciate it if you eased up off my back about it.
James Edwards: Or do I owe her an apology?
James Edwards: That's a good shot though...
Jay: Yo, Kay, check it out, when do I get my own little flashy-thing memory-messer-upper?
Kay: When you grow up.
Jay: Hmm, 'kay.
[scratches his forehead with his middle finger]
[blasting Edgar the Bug]
Dr. Weaver: Interesting job you boys have...
[J crushes cockroaches, which enrages Edgar]
Jay: Well, well. Big, bad Bug got a bit of a soft spot, huh? What I can't understand is, why you gotta come down here bringing all this ruckus! Snatching up galaxies and everything. My attitude is: don't start nothing, won't BE nothing!
[Laurel Weaver looks at the two, amazed as Edgar leans close to Jay]
Jay: You better ease up out of my face before something bad happen to you.
[Kay cocks his gun while inside Edgar's stomach]
Jay: Too late.
[He gets blasted into two from inside, Kay falls down next to Jay as they both are covered in slime]
Edwards: [looking at a MiB photo] Awww, you brought that tall man some flowers.
Kay: Z, get a containment unit to come down to the city morgue...
Zed: Containment will be of little point, old friend. Most of the aliens and ships are gone already. It's like the party's over and the last one to leave gets the cheque...
[sees the worms are leaving]
Zed: You miserable little ingrates!
[explaining the neuralyzer to J]
Kay: Months, days, hours. Always face it forward.
Jay: [holds up his badge] See that? NYPD, means I will Knock Your Punkass Down!
[K drives a jet-propelled car, while J hangs on screaming]
Kay: You know, you're much too tense. You're a young man. You need to relax, learn to take some joy in your work. Do you like music?
[plays Elvis Presley's "The Promised Land" on the radio]
Kay: That's better.
[mouths along with Elvis, and drives onto the roof of a tunnel]
Jay: Aw shit! Aw damn! K! K!
[K avoids a traffic light and brings the car back to ground level]
Jay: You do know Elvis is dead, right?
Kay: No, Elvis is not dead. He just went home.
Kay: We'll take it from here.
Kay: You're under arrest for violating sections 4153 of the Tyco Treaty.
Jay: So hand over whatever galaxy you might be carrying and step away from your busted ass vehicle, and put your hands on your head!