Meet Wally Sparks (1997)

Rodney Dangerfield: Wally Sparks

Photos 

Quotes 

• Wally Sparks : I hear in Canada you only have sex doggy style; that way you can both see the hockey game.

• Wally Sparks : Siskel and Ebert caught my show. They gave me one finger up.

• Wally Sparks : I am here to spread Joy, tell me when you find her.

• Wally Sparks : [Wally has exposed the affair between the Judge and Lola]  Wow. it's looks like he's been banging more than his gavel.

• Wally Sparks : [Wally has just scratched his back against a woman]  Thanks honey, stick around I might get jock itch.

• Wally Sparks : Folks, the first half of this show has been pretty amazing and the second half is no different. And I'm going to start the second half by telling you...

  [Wally stands up] 

  Wally Sparks : ...I can walk. I've been faking it, pretending I was hurt for my own selfish reasons. You know, this may be my last show. A lot of people don't think I should be on TV anymore. Maybe they're right. I'm only sorry for all the pain and suffering I caused the Governor and how I hurt this sweet, innocent girl.

  [Wally approaches Lola and rests his hand on her shoulder] 

  Wally Sparks : Look at that virgin smile. A babe lost in the woods. And you wanted to be an actress, didn't you?

  Lola Larue : That's right. Disney movies.

  Wally Sparks : Oh, I'm sure you'd be right at home with Pinocchio.

  [a kazoo sound is played] 

  Wally Sparks : Well tonight, you're in luck, honey! It so happens we have a clip of your acting debut. Roll it, Sandy!

  Sandy Gallo : [to a tech]  Go.

  [a porn video plays of Lola performing oral sex on Ron Jeremy and smiling at the camera plays] 

  Wally Sparks : Where'd you learn to study, honey, down under?

  [Lola looks at Judge Williams, both horrified] 

  Wally Sparks : She gives a new meaning to "method acting."

  [the crew in the room laugh and gossip as Lola fluffs her hair after the climax] 

  Wally Sparks : Hey, with this role, your acting career really got a head start.

• Wally Sparks : The other day I saved a girl from being attacked: I changed my mind.

• Wally Sparks : What a place, Canada; they started a country and no one showed up.

• Wally Sparks : Remember folks, every man has his tale of woe. Unfortunately, in life, there's more woe than tale.

• Wally Sparks : I looked up your family tree. Two dogs were using it.

• Wally Sparks : And remember, it's lonely at the top, when there's no one on the bottom.

• Wally Sparks : You never had me.

• Wally Sparks : [the Judge nearly stabs Wally in the groin]  I was just circumsized by Benihana.

• Wally Sparks : [the Judge hits Wally in the butt with a sword; to camera]  ooh, he got me right in the touché.

• Wally Sparks : [Judge Randell pushes Lola]  I guess she misjudged the Judge.

• Wally Sparks : Adios Judge

  [slides down railing almost hits his groin on a railing sphere] 

  Wally Sparks : Aaahhh! Get me a ball buster.

• Wally Sparks : [the Judge attacks Wally with a saber]  Everybody run for the hills.

• Wally Sparks : [sword fighting the judge]  can't we talk this over

  [saber nearly stabs him] 

  Wally Sparks : Ooh, I see your point.

• Wally Sparks : [the Judge narrowly misses slashing Wally instead cuts flowers from a vase]  fresh cut flowers.

• Wally Sparks : [notices a couple making out]  you two should find a room

  [sees an obese couple making out] 

  Wally Sparks : you two should find a warehouse.