Fletcher: You scratched my car!
Motorpool Guy: Where?
Fletcher: [indicating with his hands] Right there!
Motorpool Guy: OH... That was already there.
Fletcher: You - -LIAR! You know what I am going to do about this?
Motorpool Guy: what?
Fletcher: Nothing! Because if I take it to small claims court, it will just drain 8 hours out of my life and you probably won't show up and even if I got the judgment you'd just stiff me anyway; so what I am going to do is piss and moan like an impotent jerk, and then bend over and take it up the tailpipe!
Motorpool Guy: [tossing the keys to Fletcher] You've been here before haven't ya?
Fletcher: [having farted in an elevator] It was me!
Fletcher: [having been charged a huge amount to get his car back. He reaches for an air freshener] I'm taking this!
Fletcher: Greta, please! I'm on my knees in a $900 suit.
Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, I'm tired and very cranky!
Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, one more word out of you, and I will hold you in contempt!
Fletcher: I hold *myself* in contempt! Why should you be any different?
Cop: You know why I pulled you over?
Fletcher: Depends on how long you were following me!
Cop: Why don't we just take it from the top?
Fletcher: Here goes: I sped. I followed too closely. I ran a stop sign. I almost hit a Chevy. I sped some more. I failed to yield at a crosswalk. I changed lanes at the intersection. I changed lanes without signaling while running a red light and *speeding*!
Cop: Is that all?
Fletcher: No... I have unpaid parking tickets.
Fletcher: ... be gentle.
Greta: He knocked over another ATM. This time at knife point. He needs your legal advice.
Fletcher: [picking up phone and shouting] Stop breaking the law, asshole!
Bum: Got any spare change?
Bum: Could ya spare some?
Fletcher: Yes I could!
Bum: Will ya?
Bum: How come?
Fletcher: Because I believe you will buy booze with it! I just want to get from my car to the office without being confronted by the decay of western society!... Plus I'm cheap! AHHH!
Greta: [after bailing Fletcher out of jail] Am I too late? Have you been sexually molested yet because I can circle the block.
Fletcher: [Fletcher is trying to convince Greta to believe her about Max's wish] You don't believe me, do you?
Greta: Of course not.
Fletcher: [laughs dryly] How ironic. Okay, ask me something you think I would normally lie about.
Greta: Alright. Remember, a few months ago, when I wanted a raise,
Fletcher: Forget it. I don't wanna do this!
Greta: and the company wouldn't give me one,
Fletcher: GRETA, PLEASE!
Greta: so you said you wanted to give me one out of your own pocket, but it would create jealously among the other secretaries. Now, was that true, or did you just not want to pony up the dough?
[Fletcher is speechless. Scene cuts to Greta packing her belongings]
Fletcher: The pen is blue, the pen is blue, the goddamn pen is blue!
Max Reede: If I keep making this face... will it get stuck that way?
Fletcher: Uh uh. As a matter of fact, some people make a very good living that way.
Fletcher: Your honor, I object!
Fletcher: Because it's devastating to my case!
Fletcher: Good call!
Office Worker: Hey, Fletcher, how's it hanging?
Fletcher: [groans] Short, shriveled, and always to the left.
Fletcher: You brought your kids to your divorce?
Fletcher: Well, it's working! I feel sorry for them already!
Jerry: Hey, great gift dad.
Fletcher: Thanks son. I'm so glad my gift can bring the two of them together. My plan to phase myself out is almost complete.
Greta: Mr. Reede, several years ago a friend of mine had a burglar on her roof, a burglar. He fell through the kitchen skylight, landed on a cutting board, on a butcher's knife, cutting his leg. The burglar sued my friend, he sued my friend. And because of guys like you *he won*. My friend had to pay the burglar $6,000. Is that justice?
[Greta looks pleased, but then Fletcher continues]
Fletcher: I'd have got him ten.
[Greta stalks off, appalled]
Max Reede: My dad? He's... a liar.
Teacher: A liar? I'm sure you don't mean a liar.
Max Reede: Well, he wears a suit and goes to court and talks to the judge.
Teacher: Oh, you mean he's a lawyer.
Fletcher: Mrs. Cole, the only problem here is that after you've provided years of faithful service and loving support raising his children - They are his?
Samantha: Oh yeah. One for sure.
Fletcher: After all that, your husband wants to deny you a fair and equitable share of the marital assets based on one single act of indiscretion.
Fletcher: Beg your pardon?
Samantha: Seven single acts of indiscretion.
Fletcher: SEVEN! acts of indiscretion, only one of which he has any evidence and all of which he himself is responsible for.
Fat Coworker: What's Up, Fletcher?
Fletcher: Your cholesterol, Fatty! Dead man walkin'!
Randy: Hey, Fletcher!
Fletcher: Hey! You're not important enough to remember!
Zit Boy: What'll it be, Fletcher?
Fletcher: A pock mark, eventually!
Gretta: Mr. Reede?
Fletcher: Don't ask! For God sake, don't ask!
Max Reede: Do the claw to mom, dad, do the claw to mom!
Fletcher: Uh-oh. You've found the claw's only weakness. Subzero temperatures.
Audrey: So did you have any trouble finding the place?
Fletcher: All right, I'm late. I ran oughta gas! The gauge is broken. Rough neighborhood too. Good thing I was wearing neutral gang colors. Might've had to rip out my nine and bust a cap! My mind on my money and my money on my mind!
Audrey: They'd never hurt you, Fletcher. You're their lawyer.
Fletcher: Ooh. That was below the belt. Try to keep the gloves up.
Max Reede: Mom, dad's taking me to see wrestling!
Audrey: Ugh. Fletcher!
Fletcher: Ugh. Audrey!
Max Reede: I wish, for just one day, Dad couldn't tell a lie.
Max Reede: My teacher tells me beauty is on the inside.
Fletcher: That's just something ugly people say.
Fletcher: Why don't you go play in the office a minute. Sue someone for everything they've got. Maybe you send a fax to one of your girlfriends!
Jerry: I love you!
Audrey: Thank you
Jerry: Well, that's wasn't exactly the answer I was hoping for...
Audrey: Thank you very much?
Audrey: Where were you?
Fletcher: Having sex.
Audrey: Well, I hope it was with someone *very* special!
Fletcher: No, see - that's the thing. I don't even like her, but she's a partner and I thought I could help my career by making her squeal.
[Fletcher throws the phone away and throws himself on the floor in disgust]
Fletcher: Jerry, enjoy my wife.
Fletcher: I was hoping after being married to me you'd have no more strength left.
Audrey: Well, you have to remember that when we were married, I wasn't having sex nearly as often as you were.
Gretta: And your ex-wife called, she wants to know when you're coming to pick up your son.
Fletcher: Oh, I'm such a shit!
Fletcher: Weight, 105. Yeah, in your bra!
Dana: Your Honor, I object!
Fletcher: You would!
Judge Stevens: QUIET! Overruled!
Fletcher: Mrs. Cole, is this a copy of your driver's liscense?
Samantha: That's right.
Fletcher: It says here you are a blonde, are you? If you don't remember perhaps Mr. Faulk will.
Fletcher: Maybe if we play the tape again, maybe it's on there...
Samantha: I'm a brunette!
Fletcher: Thank you. Now let's see... weight 105? Yeah, in your bra.
Dana: Your honor, I object.
Fletcher: You would!
Judge Stevens: QUIET! Overruled! Weight?
[Fletcher gives her a look]
Samantha: Alright, fine, fine, I'm 127.
Fletcher: Uh, huh, and it says here you were born in 1964, but that's not true either is it? Is it!
Fletcher: Please tell the court what's on your birth certificate under Date of Birth.
Dana: Your honor, I object. What does this have to do with anything?
Judge Stevens: Overruled. Mrs. Cole, answer the question.
Fletcher: Now let get this straight. That means you lied about your age to make yourself older. But why would any woman want to DO THAT?
Samantha: I changed it so I could get married.
Fletcher: AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE! My client lied about her age! She was only 17 when she got married, which makes her a minor. And in the great state of California, no minor can enter into any legal contract without parental consent.
Dana: [sighs] Prenuptual agreements.
Fletcher: Prenuptual agreements! This contract is void! The fact that my client has been riden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant. Standard Community Property applies and she is entitled to half of the marital assets, or $11.395 million. Jordan fades back, swoosh, and THAT'S THE GAME! Nothing further, your honor!
Fletcher: The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant.
[about Mr. Allen]
Miranda: Well, what do you think of him?
Fletcher: He's a pedantic, pontificating, pretentious bastard, a belligerent old fart, a worthless steaming pile of cow dung, figuratively speaking.
[a moment passes and Mr. Allen starts laughing. The other board members follow his lead and start laughing also]
Mr. Allen: That's the funniest damn thing I've ever heard. You're a real card, Reede. I love a good roast! Do Simmons!
Fletcher: Simmons is old! He should've been out of the game years ago but he can't stay home because he hates his wife! You've met her at the Christmas parties. She's the one that gets plastered and calls him a retard! And you, Tom, you're the biggest brownnose I've ever seen! You've got your head so far up Mr. Allen's ass, I can't tell where you end and he begins!
Mr. Allen: [roaring with laughter] Priceless!
[Fletcher continues with every member]
Fletcher: You have bad breath caused by gingivitis. You couldn't get a porn star off. Your hairpiece looks like something that was killed crossing the highway. I don't know whether to comb it or scrape it off with a shovel and bury it in lime. Loser! Idiot! Wimp! Degenerate!
Mr. Allen: I like your style, Reede! That's just what this stuffy company needs - a little irreverence!
Fletcher: Good! I'll see you later, dick-head!
Bailiff: I found him like this in the bathroom, your honor. Somebody beat the hell out of him!
Judge: Who did this?
Fletcher: A mad man, your honor, a desperate fool at the end of his pitiful rope.
Judge: What did he look like?
Fletcher: About 6'2", 180lbs. big teeth, kinda gangly.
Fletcher: [while hearing Mrs. Cole having sex on an audio cassette]
Fletcher: Oh, come on! Your honor, how can it be proved that the male voice on that tape is not Mr. Cole himself?
Samantha: [voice on tape] You are such a better lover than my husband!
Fletcher: Your honor, I object!
Judge Stevens: And why is that, Mr. Reede?
Fletcher: It's devastating to my case!
Judge Stevens: Overruled.
Fletcher: Good call!
Busty Woman on Elevator: Everybody's been real nice.
Fletcher: Well, that's because you've got big jugs. I mean your boobs are huge. I mean, I wanna squeeze 'em. Mama!
Judge Stevens: How are we this morning, Counselor?
Dana: Fine, thank you.
Judge Stevens: And how about you, Mr. Reede?
Fletcher: I'm a little upset about a bad sexual episode I had last night.
Judge Stevens: Well, you're young. It'll happen more and more. In the meantime, what do you say we get down to business?
Judge Stevens: It is only out of sheer morbid curiosity that I am allowing this freak show to continue.
[the lights turn on after Max makes a wish and blows out the candles]
Max Reede: Mom? Dad?
[Audrey and Fletcher are kissing]
Fletcher: MAX? Did you wish for your mom and I to get back together again?
Max Reede: No. I wished for rollerblades!
Audrey: Uh... wanna cut the cake... Dad?
Fletcher: I would love to... but I have this horrible pain in my arm...
Audrey: Oh no... run ITS THE CLAW!
Fletcher: NOTHING CAN STOP THE CLAWWWW!
[the court erupts]
Judge Stevens: Order! Order! ORDER!
Fletcher: [to crowd] Knock it off!
Judge Stevens: SIT DOWN!
[Fletcher is on the phone with his mother]
Fletcher: [listens for a moment] Because I didn't want to talk to you!
Fletcher: Because you insist on talking about Dad's bowel movements; size, color, frequency, I"LL CALL YA LATER!
Fletcher: Your honor, would the court be willing to grant me a short bathroom break?
Judge: Can't it wait?
Fletcher: Yes it can. But I've heard that if you hold it you could damage the prostate gland, making it very difficult to get an erection, or even become aroused!
Judge: Is that true?
Fletcher: It has to be!
Judge: In that case I'd better take a quick break myself.
[Fletcher witnesses a kiss of greeting between his ex-wife and Jerry]
Fletcher: Wow! That was a nice image...
[makes typing noise]
Fletcher: Audrey, great news; both my legs are broken so they can't take me right to jail.
Jerry: [pretends to hit Max] One, two three, four,five, and one for good luck!
Fletcher: [to Audrey] He struck the child, did you see that?
Fletcher: Mr. Falk, would I be accurate, if I described your relationship with Mrs. Cole as totally professional? I *object*, Your Honor, and I move to strike!
Judge Stevens: Mr. Reede, I don't know what you're on, but you better get to the point, and quick!
Judge Stevens: Afternoon, Counselors. Are we ready to begin?
Fletcher: No, sir! We are NOT ready to begin, because my client has not arrived!
[Samantha and children enter]
Samantha: [to children] Hurry up! Move it!
Fletcher: [singing] Here she comes to wreck the daaaay!
Judge Stevens: MISTER Reede!
Fletcher: Sorry, Your Honor!
Fletcher: Where would Tina Turner be right now if she'd rolled over and said, "Hit me again, Ike, and put some stank on it!"? Rollin' on the river, that's where she'd be. But she's beyond Thunderdome, because she decided to send a message?
Fletcher: Wake up, sisters! There is nooooooo such thing as a weaker sex!
Fat Coworker: Hey, what's up, Fletcher?
Fletcher: Your cholesterol, fatty!
Fletcher: What is WRONG with me?
Fletcher: I'm getting what I deserve. I'm reaping what I sow. I'm...
[covers his own mouth]
Fletcher: Are you marrying this guy because you're mad at me?
Audrey: No - I divorced you because I was mad at you.
Fletcher: You had sex with her everytime you met, didn't you? DIDN'T YOU? LIAR!
Dana: He's badgering the witness!
Judge: It's his witness.
Fletcher: You slammed her! You dunked her donut! You gave her dog a Snausage! YOU STUFFED HER LIKE A THANKSGIVING TURKEY!
[Makes gobbling noises while pushing himself against the table]
Kenneth Falk: Alright! Alright, it's true, okay? I humped her brains out! There, now ya happy?
Fletcher: No further questions.
Greta: [in an annoyed tone] You told me you bought this picture frame at Tiffany's. Tiffany's?
Fletcher: [high-pitched voice] Garage sale six-fifty marked down from ten.
[Greta drops picture frame and smashes]
Fletcher: Is this guy right for you? I mean, he's just so, not me!
Audrey: Yes, that's one of his best qualities.
Fletcher: Yeah, but he's kind of, magoo... I'm sorry.
Audrey: You're wrong! I mean, sometimes, maybe yes, he is a litte bit...
Fletcher: [on phone] HI! Judge Stevens I'm scheduled to be in your courtroom in half an hour? Judge Stevens I badly, BADLY need a continuance!... Ill? Am I ill? That is the perfect question for you to ask!.
Fletcher: GRETA please LIE to him for me!
Greta: I remember when you bought me this antique silver fram from tiffany's... TIFFANY'S?
Fletcher: [in a high pitched voice] ... Garage sale $6.50 marked down from $10.00!"
Fletcher: Mrs. Cole. Is this a copy of your driver's license?
Samantha: [looks at paper] Yes.
Fletcher: It says you are blonde, are you?
Fletcher: If you don't remember, perhaps Mr. Faulk will.
Fletcher: We can play the tape again maybe it's on there.
Samantha: [shouts] I'm a brunette!
Fletcher: Thank you. Now let's see, weight 105? Yeah, in your bra.
Dana: Your honor, I object.
Fletcher: You would.
Judge Stevens: QUIET! Overruled.
[points to Samantha]
Judge Stevens: Weight?
Samantha: Alright fine, fine, I'm 127.
Fletcher: Uh huh, and it says here you were born in 1964, but that's not true either is it?
Fletcher: IS IT!
Fletcher: Will you please tell me what it says here on your birth certificate under date of birth.
Dana: Your honor, I object, what does this have to do with anything.
Judge Stevens: Overruled. Mrs. Cole answer the question.
Samantha: [sighs] 1965.
Fletcher: Now let me get this straight. That would mean that you lied about your age to make yourself older. But why would any woman wanna do that!
Samantha: I changed it so I could get married.
Fletcher: [exclaims] AND THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE! My client LIED about her age, she was only seventeen when she got married which makes her a minor. And in the great state of California, no minor can enter into any legal contract without parental consent, including?
[looks at Dana]
Dana: Prenuptial agreements.
Fletcher: Prenuptial agreements! This contract is VOID. The fact that my client has been ridden more than Seattle Slew is irrelevant. Standard community property applies and she is entitled to half the marital assests, or $11.395 million dollars. Jordan fades back, shwoosh, and THAT'S THE GAME! Nothing further, your honor.
Dana: [breaks pencil]
Judge Stevens: [talks to crows] Quiet. In light of this new evidence, the court must rule in favor of Mrs. Cole. She is hearby awarded half the marital assests.
Judge Stevens: I understand both parties have agreed to joint custody, is that correct?
Samantha: No! I'm contesting custody.
Samantha: If I get sole custody of the kids, that's another 10 grand in child support payments.
Fletcher: You just won 11 million dollars!
Max Reede: Look at what Dad got me!
Jerry: Woah, great! Hey, you know what? I have my glove in the car. Why don't you and I go to the park and play catch. Then we can rub oil in it, and wrap a big rubber band around it! It'll be great!
Jerry: Hey, great gift, Dad!
Fletcher: [to Jerry] Thanks, son!
Teacher: W-O-R-K, Work!
Samantha: I want my money. I am not going to end up a thirty-one year old divorcée on welfare because my scumbag attorney had a sudden attack of conscience.
Fletcher: [Picks up a Blue Pen]
Fletcher: Okay, the pen is red... the pen is red...
Fletcher: The color of this pen is ruh-ruh-ruh-ruh
Fletcher: . This pen is reeeeeeeeeeehhh-
[pauses then announces dramatically]
Fletcher: The color of the pen that I HOLD in my hand is rrrrr-rrroyal blue!
[falls to the floor exhausted]
Fletcher: [Grabs a piece of paper] Okay, if I can't say it, I'll write it!
[starts writing "The color of the pen is - " but his hand shakes away involuntarily]
Fletcher: No! You write! Write it!
[his hand automatically turns to point the pen at him and he wrestles it to the ground]
Greta: [Enters the office] Mister Reede? Are you alright?
Fletcher: [rises from behind the desk with 'Blue' written all over his face] It's blue. It's blue! The god damn pen is blue!
Audrey: Do you know what your son was doing at 8:15 last night?
Audrey: He was making a wish that for a whole day, his father couldn't tell a lie.
Fletcher: [Realizing] Oh, my god, that's it!