Zeus: So, Hades, you finally made it. How are things in the underworld?
Hades: Well, they're just fine. You know, a little dark, a little gloomy. And, as always, hey, full of dead people. What are you gonna do?
Hercules: Aren't you... a damsel in distress?
Meg: I'm a damsel, I'm in distress, I can handle this. Have a nice day.
Panic: He's not gonna be happy when he gets outta there.
Pain: You mean, *if* he gets outta there.
Panic: If? If is good.
Meg: I'm a big tough girl. I tie my own sandals and everything.
Hades: I can't believe this guy. I throw everything I've got at him, and it doesn't even...
[Hades notices Pain is wearing Air-Hercs]
Hades: What... are... those?
Pain: Um, I don't know. I-I thought they looked kinda dashing.
Hades: I've got 24 hours to get rid of this bozo, or the entire scheme I've been setting up for 18 years goes up in smoke,
[begins to shout]
Hades: and you are wearing his merchandise?
[Hades almost blows up in front of Pain, but stops to see Panic slurping a Hercules drink]
Panic: [chuckling nervously] Thirsty?
[Hades shouts out loud, blows up and the whole city rumbles]
Meg: Megara. My friends call me Meg. At least they would if I had any friends. So did they give you a name along with all those rippling pectorals?
Hercules: Uh, so how'd you get stuck with the...
Meg: Pinhead with hooves? Well, you know how men are. They think "No" means "Yes" and "Get lost" means "Take me, I'm yours."
[Hercules doesn't understand]
Meg: Don't worry, maybe Shorty here can explain it to ya.
Hercules: But, Father, I've defeated every single monster I've come up against. I-I'm... I'm the most famous person in all of Greece. I'm... I-I'm an action figure!
Zeus: Aw, Hades, don't be such a stiff. Join the celebration.
Hades: Love to, Babe. But unlike you gods lounging about up here, I regretfully have a full-time job that you, by the way, so charitably bestowed on me, Zeus. So, can't. Love to, but can't.
The Fates: In 18 years precisely / The planets will align ever so nicely.
Hades: Ay, verse. Oy.
The Fates: The time to act will be at hand / Unleash the Titans, your monstrous band.
Hades: Mmm-hmm. Good, good.
The Fates: Then the once-proud Zeus will finally fall / And you, Hades, will rule all!
Hades: Yes! Hades *rules*!
The Fates: A word of caution to this tale...
Hades: Excuse me?
The Fates: Should Hercules fight, you will fail.
[they laugh and disappear]
Hades: [shouting at the top of his lungs] What?
Hades: Okay, fine, fine. I'm cool. I'm fine.
Meg: Is Wonderboy here for real?
Phil: What are you talkin' about? Of course he's real.
[gets a proper look at her]
Phil: Whoa! And by the way, sweet cheeks... I'm real, too.
Panic: "Hercules." Why does that name ring a bell?
Pain: I don't know. Um, maybe we owe him money?
Panic: Wait, wasn't Hercules the name of that kid we were supposed to...?
[they run, Hades seizes them]
Hades: So you took care of him, huh? "Dead as a doornail." Weren't those your *exact* words?
Pain: This might be a different Hercules.
Panic: Yeah. I mean, Hercules is a very popular name nowadays.
Pain: Remember, like, a few years ago, every other boy was named Jason, and the girls were all named Brittany?
Meg: Thanks for everything, Herc. It's been a real slice.
Hercules: You know, wh-when I was a kid, I-I would have given anything to be exactly like everybody else.
Meg: You wanted to be petty and dishonest?
Hercules: Everybody's not like that.
Meg: Yes, they are.
Hercules: You're not like that.
Meg: How do you know what I'm like?
Pain: Coming, your most lugubriousness.
Panic: Oh, sorry. I can handle it.
[Runs down the stairs; trips and crashes into Pain; they tumble down the stairs; Pain is now stuck to Panic's horns]
Pain: Pain - Ow!
Panic: And Panic - eechk!
Hades: Fine, fine, fine. Just inform me the minute the Fates arrive.
Panic: Oh, they're here!
Hades: [shouting] What! The Fates were here and you didn't tell me?
[as they grovel, they turn into worms]
Hades: Memo to me... Memo to me: Maim you after my meeting.
[Hercules has been trying to kill the hydra, which now has umpteen heads]
Phil: Will you forget the head-slicing thing?
Hades: Name's Hades, Lord of the dead. Hi, how ya doin'?
Meg: Think your nanny goat would go berserk if you played hooky this afternoon?
Hercules: Oh gee, I don't know. Phil has the rest of the day pretty much booked.
Meg: Aw, Phil, Schmil. Just follow me, out the window, round the dumbells, you lift up the back wall and we're gone.
Hermes: Fabulous party. You know, I haven't seen this much love in a room since Narcissus discovered himself.
Meg: He comes on with his big, innocent farm boy routine, but I could see through that in a Peloponnesian minute.
Phil: I trained all those would-be heroes. Odysseus, Perseus, Theseus. A lot of "yeuseus." And every one of those bums let me down flatter than a discus. None of them could go the distance.
Phil: Kid, listen to me. She's...
Hercules: A dream come true?
Phil: Not exactly.
Hercules: More beautiful than Aphrodite?
Phil: Aside from that.
Hercules: The most wonderful...
Phil: She's a fraud! She's been playing you for a sap!
Hercules: Stop kidding, Phil.
Phil: I'm not kidding.
Phil: I know your upset about today, but that's no...
Phil: You're missin' the point!
Hercules: I love her!
Phil: She don't love you! She's nothing but a two-timin'...
Hercules: Stop it!
Phil: Low-down, lyin', schemin'...
Hercules: Stop it!
[singing about Hercules's fame and success]
Thalia: They slapped his face on every vase.
[Terpsichore hits her in the head]
Terpsichore: On every *vah*se.
Hercules: Pardon me. It seems to me that what you folks need is a hero.
Tall Thebian: Yeah? And who are you?
Hercules: I'm Hercules, and I happen to be... a hero.
Elderly Thebian: Is that so? Have you ever saved a town before?
Hercules: Uh... no, not exactly. But...
Tall Thebian: Have you ever reversed a natural disaster?
Hercules: Well... no.
Tall Thebian: Will you listen to this? He's just another chariot chaser. This we need.
Calliope: We are the Muses, goddesses of the arts and proclaimers of heroes.
Terpsichore: Heroes like Hercules.
Thalia: Honey, you mean "Hunk-ules." Ooh, I'd like to make some sweet music with him.
Calliope: Our story actually begins long before Hercules was born, many eons ago.
[Pegasus blows the flames off Hades' head]
Hades: Whoa. Is my hair out?
Hercules: Meg, when I'm with you, I-I don't feel so alone.
Meg: Sometimes it's better to be alone.
Hercules: What do you mean?
Meg: Nobody can hurt you.
Phil: Yeah, I had a dream. I dreamed I would train the greatest hero there ever was. So great the gods would hang a picture of him in the stars for everyone to see. And everyone would say, "That's Phil's boy." That's right. Ah, but dreams are for rookies, kid. A guy can only take so much disappointment.
Hercules: [as she lies dying] Meg, why did you... You didn't have to...
Meg: People do crazy things... when they're in love.
Meg: [after Hercules accidentally breaks the arms off a statue of Venus] It looks better that way. No, it really does.
Zeus: You ought to slow down. You'll work yourself to death. Hah. Work yourself to death.
Zeus: Oh, I kill myself.
Hades: [to himself] If only. If only.
Phil: [training Hercules in knife-throwing] Rule number 95, kid: concentrate.
[Hercules misses the targets and pins Phil against the wall with his knives]
Phil: Rule number 96: aim.
Hercules: Uh, uh, uh, I'm, um, uh, uh, uh...
Meg: Are you always this articulate?
Hercules: Hercules. My... my name is Hercules.
Meg: Herc... huh. I think I prefer Wonderboy.
Phil: The one and only Thebes. The Big Olive itself. If you can make it there, you can make it anywhere.
Meg: I've done my part. Get your little imps...
Hades: They couldn't handle him as a baby. I need somebody who can... handle him as a man.
Meg: Hey, I've sworn off manhandling.
Hades: Well, you know, that's good because that's what got you into this jam in the first place, isn't it? You sold your soul to me to save your boyfriend's life. And how does this creep thank you? By running off with some babe. He hurt you real bad, didn't he, Meg? Huh?
Meg: Look, I learned my lesson, okay?
Hades: Which is exactly why I got a feelin' you're gonna leap at my new offer. You give me the key to bringing down Wonder Breath, and I give you the thing that you crave most in the entire cosmos: your freedom.
[after Hercules is mobbed by fan girls]
Meg: It's all right. The sea of raging hormones has ebbed.
Meg: [singing] Ohhhhh, at least out loud I won't say I'm in love.
Meg: [singing] If there's a prize for rotten judgment/ I guess I've already won that/ No man is worth the aggravation/ That's ancient history, been there, done that!
Hades: Hercules, stop! You can't do this to me, you can't...
[Hercules punches Hades in the face]
Hades: Fine, okay, well I deserved that.
Zeus: Fine work, my boy! You've done it! You're a true hero.
Hera; Hercules' Mother: You were willing to give your life to rescue this young woman.
Zeus: For a true hero isn't measured by the size of his strength, but by the strength of his heart.
Hades: Meg, listen. Do you hear that sound? It's the sound of your freedom, fluttering away, *forever*!
Meg: I don't care, I'm not going to help you hurt him!
Hades: [sighs] I can't believe you're getting all worked up over some "guy."
Meg: This one is different. He's strong, he's caring, he would never do anything to hurt me...
Hades: He's a guy!
Meg: [smugly] Besides, O Oneness, you *can't* beat him. He has no weaknesses! He...
[she turns and sees Hades smiling slyly at her]
Hades: I think he does, Meg.
[envelops her in his arm]
Hades: I truly think he does.
Phil: [while Hercules is fighting the River Guardian] Use your head!
[Hecules runs and hits the River Guardian with his head]
Phil: Not bad. Not what I meant, but not bad.
Hades: Ladies. Hah. I am so sorry that I'm...
The Fates: We knew you would be.
The Fates: We know everything.
The Fates: Past.
The Fates: Present.
The Fates: And future.
The Fates: [aside, to Pain] Indoor plumbing. It's gonna be big.
Hercules: You like making deals. Take me in Meg's place.
Hades: Hmm. The son of my hated rival trapped forever in a river of death.
Hercules: Going once...
Hades: Is there a downside to this?
Hercules: Going twice...
Hades: Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. You get her out. She goes, you stay.
[Hercules dives in to save Megara]
Hades: Oh, you know what slipped my mind? You'll be dead before you can get to her.
[calls out as Hercules goes deeper]
Hades: That's not a problem, is it?
Hades: How sentimental. You know, I haven't been this choked up since I got a hunk of moussaka caught in my throat.
[after almost getting knocked down by a chariot (c.f. [link=tt0064665])]
Phil: Hey, I'm *walkin'* here.
Hades: We dance, we kiss, we schmooze, we carry on, we go home happy. What do you say? Come on.
Hercules: People are... are gonna get hurt, aren't they?
Hades: Nah. I mean, it's, you know, it's a possibility. It happens 'cause, you know, it's war, but what can I tell ya. Anyway, what do you owe these people, huh?
Phil: Careful, that's part of the mast of the Argo.
Young Hercules: *The* Argo?
Phil: Ya. Who do you think taught Jason how to sail? Cleopatra?
[after Pain and Panic, disguised as children, are rescued by Hercules]
Hades: Stirring performance, boys. I was really moved.
Panic: "Jeepers, Mister"?
Pain: I was going for innocence.
Hades: [after taking Hercules' powers away] You might feel just a little queasy. It's kinda natural. Maybe you should... sit down.
[Knocks Hercules down with dumbells]
Hades: Now you now how it feels to be like everyone else. Isn't it just peachy?
Hades: I'm sorry. You mind runnin' that by me again? I must have had a chunk of brimstone wedged in my ear or something...
Meg: Then read my lips - forget it!
Hades: Meg, Meg, Meg, my sweet deluded little minion. Aren't we forgetting one teensy-weensy, but ever so crucial little, tiny detail?
[Hades explodes into flames]
Hades: [shouts] I own you!
Hades: He's gotta have a weakness, because everybody's got a weakness. I mean, for what? Pandora, it was the box thing. For the Trojans, hey, they bet on the wrong horse, okay?
Phil: [singing] So you wanna be a hero, kid? Well, whoop-dee-do. / I've been around the block before with blockheads just like you / Each and every one a dissapointment / Pain for which there ain't no ointment / So much for excuses / Thou' a kid of Zeus is / Asking me to jump into the fray / My answer is two words...
[Hit by lightning]
Hades: We were so close! So close, we tripped at the finish line! Why? Because our little *nut*-Meg has to go all noble.
Narrator: Long ago, in the faraway land of ancient Greece, there was a golden age of powerful gods and extraordinary heroes. And the greatest and strongest of all these heroes was the mighty Hercules. But what is the measure of a true hero? Ah, that is what our story is...
Thalia: Will you listen to him? He's makin' the story sound like some Greek tragedy.
Terpsichore: Lighten up, dude.
Calliope: We'll take it from here, darling.
Narrator: You go, girl.
[Hermes gives a bouquet of flowers to Hera]
Hera; Hercules' Mother: Why, Hermes, they're lovely.
Hermes: Yeah, you know, I had Orpheus do the arrangement. Isn't that too nutty?
Phil: What's the matter? You never seen a satyr before?
Young Hercules: Uh, no. Can you help us? We're looking for someone called Philoctetes.
Phil: Call me Phil.
Phil: And then there was Achilles. Now there was a guy who had it all, the build, the foot speed. He could jab. He could take a hit. He could keep on comin'. But that furshlugginer heel of his! He barely gets nicked there once, and kaboom! He's history.
Heavyset Woman: It was tragic. We lost everything in the fire.
Burnt Man: Everything except old Snowball here.
Tall Thebian: Now were the fires before or after the earthquake?
Earthquake Lady: They were after the earthquake. I remember.
Heavyset Woman: But before the flood.
Elderly Thebian: Don't even get me started on the crime rate.
Heavyset Woman: Thebes has certainly gone downhill in a hurry.
Elderly Thebian: Tell me about it. It seems like every time I turn around, there's some new monster wreakin' havoc and I...
Burnt Man: All we need now is a plague of locusts.
[a locust jumps on and chirps, everyone screams]
Elderly Thebian: That's it. I'm movin' to Sparta.
Meg: Hercules. Thank goodness.
Hercules: Wha-Wha-What's wrong?
Meg: Oh. Outside of town. Two little boys. Th-They were playing in the gorge. Th-There was this rock slide, a terrible rock slide. They're trapped.
Hercules: Kids? Trapped? Phil, this is great.
Meg: You're really choked up about this, aren't ya?
Phil: [running behind Hercules] I'm right behind ya, kid.
[lagging after, panting]
Phil: Whoo. I'm way behind ya, kid. I got a fur wedgie.
Zeus: Hey, hey, hey. Hold on, kiddo. What's your hurry? After all these years, is that the kind of "hello" you give your father?
Young Hercules: F-F-Father?
Zeus: Didn't know you had a famous father, did you? Surprise!
Hades: What d'ya say? It's happy ending time. Everybody's got a little taste of somethin' but me. I got nothin'. I'm - I'm here with nothin'. Anybody listenin'? It's like I'm - What am I, an echo or something? Hello? Hello? Am I talking to, what, hyperspace? Hello, it's me. Nobody listens.
Calliope: From that day forward, our boy Hercules could do no wrong. He was so hot, steam looked cool.
Young Hercules: I need your help. I want to become a hero, a true hero.
Phil: Sorry, kid. Can't help ya.
Young Hercules: Wait.
[Hercules rips out the door trying to open it]
Young Hercules: Uh, sorry. Why not?
Phil: Two words: I-am-retired.
Hades: [Hercules and the Hydra are fighting, and the Hydra is winning, while Hades watches] My favorite part of the game: sudden death.
Hades: Brothers. Titans. Look at you in your squalid prison. Who put you down there?
Hades: And now that I set you free, what is the first thing you are going to do?
Titans: Destroy him.
Hades: Good answer.
Zeus: I need more thunderbolts.
Hermes: Hephaestus has been captured, my lord. Everyone's been captured!
[Hermes is dragged away by Pain and Panic]
Hermes: *I've* been captured! Whoa. Hey, watch the glasses.
Hades: Pain. Panic. Got a little riddle for ya. How do you kill a god?
Pain: [sounds assertive at first] I do not... know.
Panic: You can't... they're immortal?
Hades: Bingo, they're immortal. So the first thing we gotta do is make the little sunspot... mortal.
Panic: [after catching the eye the Fates use to see] OH, Gross!
Nessus the River Centaur: Step aside, Two-Legs.
Hercules: Pardon me, my good, uh... uh... sir!
[as Hercules is welcomed onto Olympus, Meg turns away sadly]
Hercules: Father, this is the moment I've always dreamed of.
[goes to her]
Hercules: But a life without Meg, even an immortal life, would be... empty. I... I wish to stay on earth with her. I finally know where I belong.
Hercules: Wow. What a day. First that restaurant by the bay. And then that, that play, that, that, that Oedipus thing. Man, I thought *I* had problems.
Phil: Listen to me. I've seen 'em all, and I'm telling you - and this is the honest to Zeus truth - you got something I've never seen before.
Phil: I feel it right down to these stubby bowlegs of mine. There is nothing you can't do, kid.
[the door bursts open and a swarm of fan girls mobs Hercules]
Fan Girl #1: There he is!
Fan Girl #2: I touched his elbow!
Fan Girl #1: I GOT HIS SWEAT BAND!
Hercules: [goes down] Phil... help!
Tour Guide: To your left is Hercules' villa. Next stop, the Pecs and Flex gift shop, where you can buy the great hero's new 30-minute workout scroll, "Buns of Bronze."
Phil: I thought you were going to be the all-time champ, not the all-time chump.
Hercules: So what's in Thebes?
Phil: A lot of problems. It's a big, tough town. Good place to start building a rep.
[Suddenly, a woman's scream is heard]
Phil: Sounds like your basic DID: a damsel in distress.
[the Hydra appears]
Hercules: Phil, what is that thing?
Phil: Two words:
Hermes: My lord and lady, the Titans have escaped, and they're practically at our gates!
Zeus: Sound the alarm! Launch an immediate counterattack! Go! Go!
Hermes: Gone, babe.
Street Salesman: Hey, Mack.
[opens his coat]
Phil: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Street Salesman: You wanna buy a sundial?
Burnt Man: Hey, isn't that the goat-man who trained Achilles?
Phil: Watch it, pal.
Tall Thebian: Yeah, you're right. Hey, uh, nice job on those heels. Ya missed a spot.
Phil: You... I got your heel right here.
[Phil head-butts the Tall Thebian]
[getting off of Pegasus after riding]
Meg: I'll be fine. Just get me down before I ruin the upholstery.
[seeing Hercules hiding from fans behind a curtain]
Meg: Let's see. What could be behind curtain number one?
[Meg encounters a rabbit and a gopher in the woods]
Meg: Aw, how cute. A couple of rodents lookin' for a theme park.
Pain: [as rabbit] Who are you callin' a rodent, sister? I'm a bunny.
Panic: [as chipmunk] A-And I'm his gopher.
Young Hercules: But if I don't become a true hero, I'll never be able to rejoin my father Zeus.
Phil: Hold it. Zeus is your father, right?
Young Hercules: Uh-huh.
Phil: [giggling] Zeus, the big guy. He's your daddy. Ha-ha-ha. Mr Lightning Bolts. "Read me a book, would you, Da-Da?" Ha-ha-ha. Zeus.
Phil: [mimics Zeus] "Once upon a time... " Ha-ha-ha.
Young Hercules: It's the truth.
Phil: Rein it in, rookie. You can get away with mistakes like those in the minor decathalons, but this is the big leagues.
Hades: Meg, my little flower, my little bird, my little *nut*-Meg. What exactly happened here? I thought you were gonna persuade the river guardian to join my team for the uprising and here I am sort of... river-guardian-less.
Meg: Look, I gave it my best shot, but he made me an offer I had to refuse.
Phil: Kid, kid, kid. How many horns do you see?
Phil: Ah, close enough. Let's get you cleaned up.
Hades: Guys, get your titanic rears in gear and kick some Olympian butt.
Hades: Well, gotta blaze. I have a whole cosmos up there waiting for me... with, hey, my name on it.
Hades: If I say I want Wonder Boy's head on a platter, you say...?
Meg: [without much enthusiasm] Medium or well done?
Meg: Phil! Phil, Hercules needs your help.
Phil: What does he need me for when he's got friends like you?
Meg: He won't listen to me.
Phil: Good! He's finally learned something.
Meg: Look, I know what I did was wrong, but this isn't about me, it's about *him*. If you don't help him now, Phil, he'll die.
Pain: [as he and Panic patrol the now-imprisoned gods, bellowing] Hup-two-three-four, c'mon, everybody. I can't *hear* you!
[after Hercules cuts his way out of the Hydra's belly]
Hercules: Gee, Phil, that... that wasn't so hard.
Meg: [Hercules starts toward the Cyclops] What are you doing? Without your strength, you'll be killed!
Hercules: There are worse things.
Hades: Ah. There's the little sunspot. Little snootchie. And here is a sucker for the little sucker. Eh? Here you go. You just...
[Baby Hercules squeezes Hades' finger too tightly]
Hades: Sheesh. Uh, powerful little tyke.
Hades: [anger rising] I'm about to rearrange the cosmos, and the one *schlemiel* who can louse it up is waltzing around in the woods.
[Hercules and Phil get on Pegasus and fly off. Hercules is distracted thinking of Meg]
Phil: Hey, watch it!
[dodges a branch]
Phil: Watch it!
[turns Hercules head]
Phil: Keep your goo goo eyes on the...
[another branch hits Phil, he falls off of Pegasus and hits his head on the ground]
Phil: [dizzy] That's it! Next time I drive...