Good Burger (1997)
Ed: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger! Can I take your order?
Kurt: I want you to bail on Good Burger. You make your sauce for Kurt.
Ed: Who's Kurt?
Kurt: I'm Kurt.
Ed: I'm Ed.
Kurt: I'm aware!
Ed: You said you were Kurt.
Ed: I'm a dude. He's a dude. She's a dude. 'Cause we're all dudes.
Dexter: I don't even remember what my dad looks like.
Ed: I don't remember what my dad looks like either, but at least I get to see him everyday.
Shaquille O'Neal: Little man, I ordered tomatoes on this Good Burger, and I don't see no tomatoes!
Ed: Well, hang on...
[pulls a couple of tomato slices out of his pocket, and slaps them on Shaq's burger]
Ed: There! Consider yourself tomatoed!
Shaquille O'Neal: You're not like other people are you?
Dexter: Hey, man, about the contract, why don't we just forget about it?
[Rips contract in half]
Ed: You don't wanna be partners?
Dexter: No, see...
Ed: [Interrupts] Is it because I'm black?
Kurt: From now on, your LIFE is Mondo Burger! You can forget about your friends; you can forget about your family... because Kurt is now both your mother AND your father.
Dexter: [under his breath to a girl beside him] Kurt must look awfully strange naked.
[Ed dumped Trilampathol into the meat supply, causing Mondo Burger to be destroyed]
Ed: I thought that if I took the can, there was a good chance that I'd get caught, but even if I did get the Trilampathol to the proper authorities, Kurt would hire some powerful attornies who would dispute any charges brought against him or Mondo Burger by manipulating the legal system and the way America's court system is congested these days, it would take months to convict him of anything. So I thought I'd take matters into my own hands and dump the Trilampathol into the meat supply, making Mondo Burger a victim of its own foul play.
Dexter: You thought all that?
Ed: Yeah. I'm not stupid.
Dexter: Check it, Ed, it's the Mondo Idiot!
Ed: Oh, nice to meet you, Mondo Idiot, I'm Ed.
Kurt: Well, Ed, you better watch your butt man!
[Tries and ends up spinning around and around]
Ed: I give up. There's no way a guy can watch his own butt.
Customer: [to Ed] Excuse me? Look, I ordered one Good Burger with nothing on it.
Ed: That's what I gave you.
Customer: No! You gave me a bun. Just a bun! Look! There's no meat in here.
Ed: But you said you wanted nothing on it.
Customer: Yes, but I expected a meat patty!
Ed: Dude, a meat patty is something. You said "nothing".
Ed: Fizz, is a meat patty something or nothing?
Fizz: Uh, something?
Ed: I win!
Customer: That's it! I am reporting your name to the manager!
Ed: The manager already knows my name.
Customer: [while throwing the bun down] And I'll see you in Hell!
Ed: OK! See you there!
Otis: I caught those Mondo brats dumping shark poison in our sauce.
Dexter: Shark poison!
Ed: Why would they want to harm those innocent sharks?
Dexter: Haven't I seen you somewhere before?
Ed: Ever been to Australia?
Ed: Me neither.
Kurt: You mess with Kurt, and you go in the grinder.
Dexter: Okay, now this "grinder" of yours. Is it a real grinder or is it just some kind of metaphor?
Ed: [reading a contract Dexter wants him to sign] I know some of these words.
Monique: [eating a corn-dog] Mm, great corn-dog.
Ed: I wonder how they get the wienie into the corny exterior?
Monique: A question that has plagued mankind for centuries.
Ed: [to Kurt being taken to jail] Hey, just remember, when you mess with Good Burger...
Ed: [Mr. Baily has asked Ed to do a delivery] But I don't do deliveries, sir.
Mr. Baily: Well, you're doing them for now. I fired O'Malley.
Mr. Baily: Because the boy showed up for work without his pants!
Heather: [very fast] Have small space aliens ever landed in your brain and told you to break into the zoo and free the kangaroos?
Ed: ...Not that I recall.
Otis: Can you get me to a hospital? I think I broke my ass.
Ed: [with 2 grapes up his nose] Look! I'm Grape Nose Boy! Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity
Dexter: Stop that.
Ed: Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity
Dexter: Would you stop?
Ed: Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity
Dexter: That ain't funny!
Ed: Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity Bloobity... Made ya laugh!
Dexter: Yeah, so what? Oh, I give up.
Ed: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger. Can I take your order?
Dexter: So, Monique, what're you gonna do tonight after you lock up?
Monique: I thought I'd go home.
Dexter: Home? Why?
Monique: Well... that's where my stuff is.
[dressed as a woman]
Dexter: Could you kindly point me in the direction of the little girl's room?
Ed: This is where I come to think... I think.
Dexter: Funny, I never figured you as much of a thinker.
Heather: D'you think I'm cute?
Heather: What's cute about me?
Ed: Uh... your head.
Heather: You have a cute head too!
Ed: Well, I try to keep it nice.
Dexter: I could've sworn I've seen you somewhere before.
Ed: Maybe I'm someone famous like a baseball player or a pretty nurse.
Dexter: What? What are you talking about?
Ed: Okay, I give up. Who am I?
Dexter: I don't know *who* you are or *where* I've seen you before or *why* you think you're an attractive nurse.
Connie Muldoon: [as she gives her long order, her speed of talking increases] Hello. My name is Connie Muldoon. I'm hosting a family reunion and my oven has run amuck; I think it's the heat actuator. Anyhoo, I'd like to order, uh, three Good Meals, four Junior Good Meals, and 17-piece order of your Good Chunks and, okay, on two of the Junior Good Meals, I need to substitute the Good Cookies for Good Pies. Now, don't fret if that's extra; I'll pony up the overage. And, uh, oh! On the regular Good Meals, I need two of the Good Burgers to have ketchup, mayo, mustard, lettuce, tomato, but no onion; I've got an interview this afternoon. Let's see, that takes care of everyone but Uncle Leslie who doesn't eat meat but, of course, he does eat dairy, so I don't get it. Let's get Leslie a Good Chickwich, some Good Fries, and a Good Root Beer all to go. But I would like to have my beverage while I wait. Now, total me up.
Ed: [on a double date, Dexter and Monique are going off alone] What am I supposed to do?
Roxanne: [insulted] Hello?
Ed: Hello! What am I supposed to do?
Mr. Baily: Ed! What are you doing inside the milkshake machine?
Ed: Trying to fix it.
Mr. Baily: Did you turn on the switch?
Angry Customer: Can I get two Good Burgers?
Ed: Sorry, dude, I gotta go get 'em. Customers aren't allowed in back.
Angry Customer: Just give me two Good Burgers!
Ed: Dude, I can't just *give* you two Good Burgers. you hafta pay for 'em.
Angry Customer: [shouts] All right, that's it! I've had it up to *here* with Good Burger!
Mr. Wheat: [after Dexter hits his car] Let me see your license.
Dexter: Uh, yeah, regarding my license... I'd give it to you... but you're gonna have to wait.
Mr. Wheat: For what?
Dexter: Uh... about a year... that's when I get one. That's when they put it in my hand.
Roxanne: Now Ed, let's go someplace where we could be alone, and get to know each other a little better, now, doesn't that sound more fun then Miniature Golf?
Ed: [thinks about it] Uh... nooooo!
Dexter: There you are, Ed. Um, can I sit here?
Ed: On my lap?
Dexter: No, man. I'll just sit down right next to you.
Deedee: Ed! There must be 50 customers out there! It's unbelievable! What do you put in that sauce?
Ed: Well, you start off with a little lemon juice and some ketchup...
[Dexter tackles him to the ground]
Ed: Um, look Dexter, I like you as a friend and all but...
Dexter: No! Listen to me carefully.
Dexter: Do not tell anyone the recipe to your sauce.
Ed: Oh, well first you start off with a little lemon juice and some ketchup...
Dexter: *Stop It*! Stop talking. *Never* tell anyone the ingredients of your *sauce*.
Ed: I will never forget you, Dexter Reed, in my head, or in my heart.
Ed: Goodbye my friend!
Dexter: Uh, Ed, I'm not going anywhere.
Ed: [pulls back, nonchalant] Oh.
Ed: And that's Otis, he's 77 years old and worked here longer than anyone.
Otis: I should've died years ago.
Dexter: Tough break.
Dexter: I never took you for much of a thinker.
Ed: Oh yeah, I think about all kinds of stuff: squirrels, cardboard boxes, things that are sticky.
Dexter: I bet you don't have one real problem, do you?
Ed: I have six toes on my left foot. What kind of problems do you have, Dexter?
Dexter: Other than the ones YOU caused? A lot. Most of them started when I was a kid when my parents split up.
Ed: [after Roxanne falls] Uh, is your butt okay?
Roxanne: It's fine, thank you.
Ed: It's okay, people! HER BUTT... IS FINE!
Mr. Wheat: I hate to do this, I hate to put a black man in jail.
Dexter: Black man in jail? I'm just a kid!
Ed: And that's Deedee, she's a veterinarian.
Ed: That means she doesn't eat fur.
Deedee: I won't wear fur, I don't eat meat.
Otis: You think you can get me to a hospital? I think I broke my ass?
Ed: Huh! How do you like me now? I'm a dude throwing ice cream! Yeah! Here's vanilla! Take some chocolate! Yeah! Fudge!
Kurt's assistant: If you ask me, the guy's a few tacos short of a combination plate.
[Dexter and Mr. Wheat's cars collide]
Mr. Wheat: My afro! My afro!
Mr. Wheat: Well, well, Brother Reed. You have messed up my afro.
Ed: What's wrong? Were you bitten by a sheep?
Ed: Did you lose your trousers?
[looks down at Dexter's legs]
Dexter: No! Look, you are an unusually bad guesser, so I'm just gonna go ahead and tell you why I'm upset. I gotta come up with $1900 to fix some jerk's car, another $800 to fix my mother's car, and I just got fired. Man! I can't believe Kurt fired me from Mondo Burger... and he yelled at me... and he assaulted me... and he made fun of me...
Ed: [after a long pause] Boy... you must really suck!
Mr. Wheat: I'm worried about you.
Dexter: I'm worried about you, too. Have you seen yourself lately? The 'fro, the boots and that jacket. You have a nice summer, Shaft.
Ed: [driving everyone home from a night out, and trying to entertain his unconscious date] ... Then when I was six, I said my first word. My mom thinks it was "trouser", but I think it was "tweezers". And then, I went to camp and fell down the sand dunes...
Dexter: [interrupting] Ed? Ed! She's still unconscious, bro.
Mr. Baily: What was our take today?
Fizz: 43 dollars and 9 cents.
Mr. Baily: That's it? Well, I suppose I could always feed my mother cat food.
Dexter: Now probably wouldn't be the best time to ask for a raise?
Mr. Baily: No!
Dexter: [Ed said something that offended Dexter] You see, right about now, I'd slap you right across your head, but I don't think your brain would understand the concept of pain.
Ed: Wanna see my belly button?
Ice Cream Man: Hey, what are you doing?
Otis: Stealing your truck.
Dexter: Yeah, we'll bring it back.
Dexter: [while he is being grabbed by Demeted Hills workers] You think you strong? You'll never be half the man your mamma was.
Otis: [after tasting the special sauce] It makes me glad I'm not dead!
Ed: [peering in the kitchen window at Mondo Burger] What's that stuff they're putting in the burgers?
Dexter: I don't know... but I'll bet you that's what makes those burgers grow so big.
Ed: We should get some of that stuff for Good Burger.
Dexter: No, man! That stuff's got to be illegal.
Dexter: [on the roof of Mondo Burger] How do you expect me to get up there?
Ed: Oh, it's easy. You just jump on the burger, jump on the fry, and then you hop on the cup, and then shimmy up the straw.
Dexter: What is this, American Gladiators?
Ed: [to a hungry dog] Here, have a Mondo burger...
[dog barks at the burger]
Ed: What's wrong?
Dexter: I don't know, he sure does look hungry though.
Ed: [to the dog] Here, try a Good Burger.
[dog eats the burger]
Ed: You see! I told you there was something wrong with Mondo Burger!
Dexter: [about the dog and the Mondo burger] He's definitely sensing something he doesn't like.
Ed: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?
Roxanne: [seductively] No, thanks. I just came here to see you, Ed. I'm Roxanne.
Ed: Welcome to Good Burger, home of the Good Burger, can I take your order?
Kurt: Unbelievable. Two days ago, we had Good Burger CRUSHED. Now look at them.
Troy: I think it's the sauce, boss.
Kurt: [headbutts Troy] DUH! I know that!
Kurt: You think Kurt's stupid?
[Griffin shrugs before quickly shaking his head]
Kurt: Yeah! Is everybody liking my party?
Kurt: And now... I'm psyched to present to you people... Mondo BURGER!
[Mondo Burger sign lights up, causing a fuse to blow in Good Burger]
Kurt: And now people, welcome to Mondo Burger!
Kurt: Triampathol is WAY illegal. But I'll tell you what, it sure makes burgers nice and enormo!
Dexter: Yea, but what happens to all those nice, innocent people when they eat your "enormo" burgers?
Kurt: Uh-oh. DON'T CARE... ladies!
[Troy and Griffin rip off Ed and Dexter's old lady disguises and laugh when they see that Ed is wearing a corset underneath his]
Otis: [in Demented Hills] Do I LOOK like I came to visit? What're you doing here?
Dexter: They kidnapped US, but why'd they bring YOU here?
Otis: Because I caught those Mondo brats dumping shark poison in our sauce!
Dexter: SHARK POISON?
Ed: Wow, who'd want to hurt those innocent sharks?
Dexter: Man will you forget about the sharks? That stuff's going to hurt innocent people!
Otis: Can you get to a phone?
Dexter: There's no chance! What time is it?
Ed: Oh, I'll tell you.
[stares at his wrist]
Otis: It's 6 A.M., and Good Burger opens at 10.
Dexter: That means we've only got four hours to warn them!
Otis: But how are we gonna get out of here?
Dexter: [busted at Mondo Burger disguised as two women, get their disguises ripped off and Dexter's wearing a T-shirt and boxers, Ed's wearing a teddy, Kurt's henchmen laugh] Yeah yeah, laugh it up, but when those people find out that you've been putting illegal stuff in their food, you're going to jail!
Kurt: That's why nobody outside of this room is going to find out.
Dexter: What do you expect us to do, keep our mouths shut?
Kurt: No, I'LL shut them for you.
Dexter: Ed, run!
[Ed runs straight into a wall]
Dexter: Ed, what happened?
Ed: I just tackled this old lady.
Dexter: Alright! You're the man!
[they whoop and cheer]
Mr. Baily: EXCUSE ME? But will somebody explain WHY this is a GOOD thing?
Dexter: This is why, Mondo Burger poisoned our sauce.
Mr. Baily: How could Mondo Burger poison our sauce?
Dexter: We'll explain it to you later, right now just keep all these people from eating a Good Burger, and call the police. Come on, Ed, we're going back to Mondo Burger.
Ed: What for?
Dexter: Okay let's see, $5 an hour, 6 hours a day, 5 days a week, I should be able to pay off the car in... oh, another lifetime!
Mr. Wheat: Oh, no! Ahhh! Oh, look at my box. Oh, look what you did.
Ed: Your head hit my golf ball. Then you went sleepy-bye.
Kurt: Listen, I can explain everything. This is all just a big misunderstand.
Kurt: I don't understand. I don't know what happened.
Dexter: Oh, sure, you do. Why don't you go on ahead and tell your little police friend that you made your big Beefy Burgers all big and beefy by using illegal food additives.
Police Officer: Is that true?
Kurt: No! He's lying! You're lying! You're full of crap!
Police Officer: Yeah? Well, why don't we just check these out, and we'll see who's lying.
Police Officer: I think you better come with us.
Kurt: Man, you're out of your minds. You're crazy, man! You know who I am? Huh?
Police Officer: Yeah, I know, I know.
[the Police officers placed Kurt Bowell under arrest and put him in the car]
Ed: Hey, hey, remember: when you mess with Good Burger...
Dexter: Oh, dog, you enjoy prison now.
Otis: What's that junk you're pouring into our sauce?
Troy: Shut up, old man!
Kurt: Don't be rude to the elderly. The old man asked us a question. Now, it's called shark poison, and it's gonna make all your little Good Burger customers very, very sick.
Troy: So sick that I doubt any of them will ever want to eat here again.
Otis: I'm calling the cops!
Kurt: You're not calling anyone.