George of the Jungle (1997)
N'Dugo: Bad guy falls in poop: Classic element of physical comedy. Now comes the part where we throw our heads back and laugh. Ready?
[they all throw their heads back and laugh]
Narrator: And so, onward and upward the tired trekkers trudged on feverished footsies over perilous paths. When they beheld the mighty Ape Mountain, the reacted with awe.
Narrator: I said, "Awe." A-W-E.
Narrator: That's better.
Ursula's mother: Arthur, I wish you would do something about all these monkeys. I feel like Jane Goodall.
Ape: Madam, I knew Jane Goodall and you are no Jane Goodall.
Max: Thor, were you fighting with the Narrator?
Thor: Well, he started it.
Narrator: Did not.
Thor: You did too.
Narrator: Did not.
Thor: You did too.
Narrator: Did not.
Thor: You did too!
Max: Thor, stop it.
Ape: "George's secrets". There's the shortest book ever written.
Max: Let's take care of him.
[Max and Thor pick George up and ram head into cage]
Ape: Why didn't you come sooner?
George: Why Ape have little stars around head?
[Max and Thor pull George out, tickles him, and rams head back in]
Ape: George, remember everything I told you about Queensbury rules and fighting fair?
Ape: Well, now's a good time to forget it.
Narrator: Don't worry. Nobody dies in this story. They just get really big boo-boos.
Narrator: [after George is shot] Whew! Okay, kids, let's settle down and review the important information. Lyle is a big doofus. Poor George was really shot, but can't die because let's face it, he's the hero.
George: Dog eat dog? Dog eat dog here?
Ursula Stanhope: No, that's not what I meant.
George: George never bringing Shep here. Uh uh. Never.
Narrator: Twenty five years later, the bouncing baby boy has grown into a swinging jungle king. He is swift, he is strong, he is sure, he is smart...
[George hits tree and falls down]
Narrator: ...he is unconscious.
[swinging a lion over his head while protecting Ursula]
George: George not even trying hard.
Narrator: Well, Ursula's fiancè is in prison, and there's a jungle man sleeping on her balcony. She could use a best friend right now.
Ursula Stanhope: Hi.
Betsy: I got here as fast as I could. Where is he?
Ursula Stanhope: Oh, he's in the waterf... he's in the shower.
Betsy: Not anymore.
Ursula Stanhope: Oh! George.
[sees him naked]
George: Bad waterfall. First water get hot, then George slip on this strange yellow rock.
George: Oh. Hi, George of Jungle.
Betsy: Charmed, I'm sure.
Ursula Stanhope: George, hold this big book.
[he holds book covering his front part]
Ursula Stanhope: Cover the booty.
[puts bowl on behind]
Ursula Stanhope: Let's get you some clothes. Sorry, Betsy.
Betsy: No problem.
Betsy: Now I can see why they made him king of the jungle.
Lyle: White ape. Sounds like a drink
Lyle: Yes, bartender, I'll have two black russians and a white ape.
Narrator: A drink the venal Van de Groot would be begging to imbibe, if he only knew how close the white ape was at that very moment. Flying through the foliage, surveying the scenery, and swinging on through the trees with effortless ease.
George: [hits tree] Ow!
Narrator: The ape named ape was caged in a cage, hoping to hear the jungle king's awesome...
Narrator: Hey, I'm pretty good at that. And wondering if he would ever come. But the motion-sick mammal needn't have moaned, for that defender of the innocent, protector of the weak, and all around good guy George of the Jungle was closer than he knew.
[noises come from crate and it opens with George in it]
George: Next time George get bigger box.
Ursula Stanhope: [on George] Did you just say "love"?
Ursula's mother: [alarmed] No...
Ursula Stanhope: You did. You're right...
Ursula's mother: Ursula... Don't say it...
Ursula Stanhope: I love him! I'm out of here.
Ursula's mother: Ursula! You can't love him! Arthur, say something!
Arthur Stanhope, Ursula's Dad: Be careful out there, honey.
Ursula's mother: [shouts] What?
Ursula Stanhope: Goodbye, Daddy.
[kisses him, then runs out of the room]
Ursula's mother: Ursula, come back! Arthur, do something!
Arthur Stanhope, Ursula's Dad: What would you have me do? There's obviously no stopping her.
Ursula's mother: Oh, God!
[she downs the rest of her drink, then goes running after Ursula]
Ursula's mother: [shouts] Ursula!
Arthur Stanhope, Ursula's Dad: [under his breath] God, that woman's a pain in the ass.
[Translating with a Swahili phrasebook]
Lyle: Pardon me, girls. I know you're feeling pretty hey sailor up here about now. But if you would just let me order a bowl of fried clams we can all have smallpox tomorrow morning.
Narrator: Later, in the Men's Department, after discovering his long lost brothers, the jungle king was pleased to find he looked pretty good in Armani.
George: Pretty darn good.
Ursula Stanhope: So I'll tell my dad first thing in the morning.
Betsy: Make that second thing. First thing, I suggest you buy jungle man some clothes.
[George is wearing a dress]
George: Nice butt flap.
George: Sometime George smash into tree. And sometime...
[George screams and falls out of treehouse]
George: Sometime George fall out of treehouse. But not feel stupid.
[looks down Ursula's shirt]
George: Something funny about this fella.
Ape: George, what on earth are you doing?
[George is wearing flower lei]
George: George just feel like looking a little special today. That all
Ursula Stanhope: And you can watch TV, and eat, and relax, and I'll be back as soon as I can. Just stay here.
Narrator: Stay here? George is king of the jungle. No four walls built by modern man can contain him
George: Not true. George have every intention of doing exactly what Ursula say.
Narrator: Really? Is that so?
George: For a while.
Ursula Stanhope: [going crazy] Why wouldn't an ape read textbooks and why wouldn't I find myself in a treehouse with room service and a Tarzan wannabe wearing a... What do you call that thing?
Lyle: [to Max about George] Could you see if he's dangerous?
George: [whiny voice] Here, boy. Where's my little doggy?
Max: I've got a feeling he's not.
George: That close one, huh?
Ursula Stanhope: Watch out for that tree!
[George looks up and Ursula's head hits branch, knocking her out]
Thor: I'm chafing, Max. I'm chafing big-time.
Max: Didn't I tell you not to wear twenty pounds of black leather in the jungle? Didn't I tell you? Cotton, I said. Cotton breathes.
Ursula's mother: When Lyle returns, this wedding will proceed as planned. If you do ANYTHING to upset that, I'll remove your reason for wearing a loincloth.
George: [on Ursula's apartment balcony] This very high treehouse.
Ursula Stanhope: Mmm-hmm.
George: Good place to call friends from, sound carry.
Ursula Stanhope: Oh, no...
[George lets out jungle call]
Ursula Stanhope: ...the neighbors.
Ape: [after George has swung into a tree, knocking himself out] Ladies and Gentlemen; I give you the 'King of the Jungle'.
[Max and Thor arrive at the tree house to capture a talking ape]
Thor: There's five stinking apes out there. Which one are we taking to Vegas?
Max: The one who's playing chess!
[Ursula screams at the sight of Ape]
George: No, no! It's all right! Ape friend! Ape make your breakfast!
Ursula Stanhope: [panicky] What does it want? What does it want?
Ape: "It" wants "its" Physician's Desk Reference, if you don't mind. Unless you'd rather die of dengue fever, of course.
Ursula Stanhope: [laughing hysterically] That is very funny!
Ape: [sarcastic] Ha, ha, ha...
Ursula Stanhope: I thought I heard the monkey talk!
Narrator: But his rapturous rendezvous with the urban heiress was to be short-lived, Kwame and his men were drawing dangerously close! That is, dangerously close to shoving a coconut up Lyle's... sleeping bag.
[as Thor takes aim at Shep, Ape jumps to the ground]
Ape: Run, Shep! Run for your life!
Max: Did that monkey just speak?
Thor: That monkey just spoke!
Lyle: Hey! The important thing, Kwame, is that I was outnumbered.
N'Dugo: [in Swahili, subtitled] It's easy to be outnumbered when you're a zero.
Narrator: Deep in the heart of Africa is a place no man has ever entered. The place that belongs to the lion, the elephant and the ape. A place known as the Bukuvu. Travellers flying overhead can only glimpse at its many marvels, its sparkling rivers, its lush veldts, its billowy cloud formations and its hidden mountains. Never fear, my friends. All was not lost. Scraped and boo-booed, they searched high and low, but they never recovered their most precious cargo.
Ape: I'm hungry!
Thor: Oh, shut up. You've been yakkin' for two days straight, and I'm gettin' mad enough to...
Ape: You know, you really should work on your anger. Have you tried Brankowski's "Cage the Rage" technique?
Max: Don't let him get to you, Thor. He's just an ape.
Ape: That's a fine way to talk to your meal ticket. You keep that up, it's liable to affect my stage performance.
Max: Give him a banana, Thor. It won't be long now.
Thor: That's what you said yesterday! This trail is taking us to the middle of nowhere!
Max: The sign at the trail head said "Short cut to Ape River." Now, why would it say "short cut" if it wasn't a...
Max: [pause] Wait a minute. Maybe it's a fake, a decoy trail.
Ape: Very good, Max. Actually, the trail is a fake. It circles Ape Mountain six times before heading right back to the tree house.
Thor: [groaning in frustration] Ohh! Oh, I knew we was lost.
Max: Don't listen to him, Thor. He's just tryin' to trick us, lead us off the short cut so we take twice as long on the regular trail.
Thor: We're already taking twice as long!
Max: Are you gonna let a monkey make a monkey out of ya?
Max: Let's go. If he tells us the short cut leads to the tree house, then that's exactly where it doesn't lead.
Lyle: No hard feelings, Stonebelly. The best man won, that's all. Or, I should say, the guy who brought mercenaries won; *that's* all.
Thor: [discovering George through his telescopic sight] Hey, It's a dude.
[to Max his sidekick]
Thor: I told you there weren't no white ape. You dragged me all the way up here to look at some guy in a leopard skin bikini. If I wanted to see that, I could've stayed in Miami.
Narrator: Every story gets to have a really big coincidence, and here's ours:
George: So you no want Ursula to love George?
Ursula's mother: I'd rather have my tongue nailed to this table every morning at breakfast.
George: That hurt.
Ursula's mother: Not as much as you will if you do anything to screw up my daughter's marriage to Lyle van de Groot.
George: No people here to look stupid for. Just George.
[Monkey sees George being taken away]
Monkey: Ooh ooh eee eee aah aah!
Mercenary: Oh, see the monkey.
Max: 50 zamoles a man, what do you say?
Kwame: They only speak Swahili.
Swahili Guide: [in English] 100 zamoles a man and you've got a deal.
Lyle: Wait a second...
Thor: George of the Jungle must be halfway to 'Frisco by now.
Narrator: But our plotting poachers were only half correct for at that very moment, our handsome hero was all the way to San Francisco.
[reaching the end of a long trail]
Thor: Max, look! We're back at the tree house!
Ape: Well, I tried, but you fellas are just too smart for me.
Max: Oh, no!
Narrator: "Oh, no" was right! Because even at that moment...
Thor: [looking up] Hey! Why don't you say something constructive for a change, like what we should do now?
Narrator: Because I don't like you.
Thor: Well, I hate you, you snotty son of a...
Narrator: I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
[there is a thunderous bang, and both Thor and Max stagger, as though hit]
Narrator: Having some fun now, huh?
Mercenary: [several mercenaries grab George] At ease, jungle boy!
[after returning from Africa, Ursula phones her mother from a limousine]
Ursula's mother: You're sure you did not catch dengue fever?
Ursula Stanhope: No mother, I did not catch dengue fever.
Ursula's mother: Well, how's your temperature?
Ursula Stanhope: [puts a hand to her forehead] Normal.
Ursula's mother: Color of your tongue?
Ursula Stanhope: [checks it in the mirror] Pink.
Ursula's mother: What about your, uh, mmm-mmm?
Ursula Stanhope: [annoyed] Regular!
Narrator: [on seeing Shep's trunk wrapped around a giant "Milkbone."] Wait a second. The dog bone is too much. Lose it. That's better.
Narrator: After a night of feverish fantasies, the perfectly permed heiress, Ursula Stanhope, awoke to the melodious music of the Bukuvu bird life, and found herself venturing forth in search of that defender of the innocent, protector of the weak and all-around good guy, George of the Jungle. But that's not who she saw first.
Narrator: And so, jazzed on java, George of the Jungle made his way into the city by the way.
People of San Francisco: Watch out for that...!
[George swings and bangs into the boat]
Ape: [sings] I aced it all and I stood tall, and did it my way.
Narrator: When they approached it, they gazed in awe.
Narrator: I said *Awe* - A... W... E!
Narrator: That's better!
[Kwame and his comrades are visiting the African jail, identifying the person who shot George by accident]
N'Dugo: No. Too short. Too sweaty.
N'Dugo: [pause, he sees Lyle] Wait a second! That's the guy. That's the guy who shot him. I never forget a face.
[Kwame and his comrades laugh]
[after Lyle comes to take Ursla away]
George: Now George really mad! George tear off your...
[after this, Geroge gets caught by the German army men]
Mercenary: At ease, jungle boy. Everybody freeze now!
German Army Man: Operation completed as ordered, sir.
Lyle: Thank you, Gunner, Gunter, Hans, Jan... and Phil.
Entire Group: Thank you, sir!
Lyle: No hard feelings, stone belly. The best man won that's all. Or I should say the guy who brought mercenaries on. That's all.
[Lyle, Max, Thor, Kwame and his comrades are taking a walk on a trail]
Lyle: Gosh, this trail is really rough.
N'Dugo: [in Swahili, subtitled] Drop him! You're not his donkey.
[Lyle gets off one of Kwame's comrades' back]
N'Dugo: [in Swahili, subtitled]
N'Dugo: "Ursula! Ursula!" Next cliff we pass, he's history.
[Kwame's comrades have a conversation in Swahili and start walking without Lyle]
Lyle: Hey, come back here.
Max: They're not abandoning us, are they?
Kwame: They are threatening.
[while seeing a footprint, the Swahili guides are speaking to Mr. Kwame in Swahili]
Lyle: [pushes one of the Swahili guides] Let me through.
Lyle: [then approaches Mr. Kwame] What's happening?
Kwame: This footprint does not belong to any of my men.
Max: [to Thor] See? There's your proof, the white ape does exist. Now all we have to do is track down the girl and the ape's in the bag.
Ursula Stanhope: [semi-conscious] Mommy, make that monkey stop talking...