Quotes

Police Inspector: So your daddy dances in front of you, does he?

Nathan: Only when he's rehearsing.

Dave: [discussing possible means of suicide] Drownin'. Now there's a way to go.

Lomper: I can't swim.

Gaz: Well you don't have to fucking swim, you divvy, that's the whole point. God, you're not very keen are you?

Lomper: Sorry...

Dave: Well, I just pray they're a bit more understanding about us, that's all.

Horse: You what?

Dave: Well, they're going to be looking at us like that, aren't they, Eh? I mean, what if next Friday 400 women turn 'round and say "He's too fat, he's too old and he's a pigeon-chested little tosser."? What happens then, eh?

Horse: They wouldn't say that, would they?

Dave: Why not? He's just said her tits are too big.

Lomper: That's different. We're... blokes.

Dave: Yeah, and?

Gerald: I think she's got nice tits, actually.

Lomper: I never said owt about her personality, like. I mean, she's probably quite nice if you get to know her.

Dave: No. And they won't say nowt about your personality neither. Which is good 'cause you're basically a bastard. Bollocks to your personality - this is what they're looking at, right? And I'll tell you summat, mate. Anti-wrinkle cream there may be, but anti-fat-bastard cream there is none.

Horse: No-one said anything to me about the full monty!

Gaz: Y' know Dave, it's a thought...

Gerald: Ha! I could just see Little and Large prancing around Sheffield with their widges hanging out. Now that *would* be worth 10 quid...

Gaz: Don't be so bloody daft. We were just saying...

Gerald: Widges on parade! Bring your own microscope!

Gerald Arthur Cooper: Fat, David, is a feminist issue.

Dave: Well, what's that supposed to mean, when it's at home?

Gerald Arthur Cooper: I don't bloody know, do I? But it is.

Gaz: I've got a degree in ass wiggling, mate.

Dave: [discussing possible means of suicide] I know. You could stand in middle of road and have a mate run smack into you right fast.

Lomper: Haven't got any mates...

Gary 'Gaz' Schofield: Listen to you, we just saved your fucking life so don't tell us we're not your mates, all right?

Lomper: Really?

Gary 'Gaz' Schofield: Yeah.

Lomper: Thanks. Thanks a lot.

Dave: Yeah, me and all, I'd run ya down as soon as look at ya.

Lomper: Oh aye? Cheers.

[repeated line]

Gaz: Fookin' hell!

[Gaz and Dave are waiting in Gerald's lawn for him to leave for work]

Dave: He's got gnomes.

Gaz: Aye, he bloody would have.

Horse: No, but... what I mean to say is... my willy...

Lomper: *Your* willy? *My* willy!

[before the first rehearsal Gaz has hurtled off to find Dave, finding him working as a security guard in Asda]

Gaz: Dave! What are you doing?

Dave: What's it look like?

Gaz: We're on in two days time, where the fuck are you?

Dave: I'm here, working, earning, that's where. Not pissing about! End of chat!

Gaz: I need an audience

Dave: You need a doctor!

Gaz: [stuck with Dave on top of a car in the middle of a canal] Ey up, someone's coming.

Passer-By: All right?

Gaz: Aye, not so bad.

Dave: [after the Passer-by leaves] Not so bad? Not so bad? That's not much of a chuffing SOS is it?

Dave: [to Gaz] Don't you EVER call me a fat bastard again!

Dave: [When presented with the first images of "Flashdance"] Hey, what's this? I didn't go on the nick in Asda for some chuffin' women's DYI video!

Gaz: It's "Flashdance", Dave. She's a welder, isn't she!

Dave: A welder? Well, I hope she dances better than she welds! I mean, look at that - her mix is all to cock!

Dave: Shut up, Dave. What the fuck do you know about welding, anyway?

Dave: More than some chuffin' woman! Arh, it's like Bonfire Night! That's too much acetylene, is that! Them joints will hold fuck all!

Gerald: Arh, for Christ's sake, Dave. We're looking for dancing, aren't we!

Gaz: He's got the hump about Asda!