For Richer or Poorer (1997)
Frank Hall, IRS: [after Lester fires gun at Brad, breaking his satellite phone] I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST SHOT AT HIM!
Insp. Derek Lester: He had a gun!
Frank Hall, IRS: HE HAD A PHONE!
Insp. Derek Lester: Oh.
Insp. Derek Lester: Well, this should discourage further violations of the tax code.
Caroline Sexton: [screaming as she is sitting in a pile of manure surrounded by cows] BRAD! BRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD!
Brad Sexton: What? Quiet. Those cows will jump on you.
Caroline Sexton: [shrieks] They will?
Brad Sexton: [rolls his eyes] Stay there. I'll be right back.
Caroline Sexton: What do you mean, "stay here", Br...
[squishes her hands right in a pile of cow waste. wails]
Caroline Sexton: Eeeeeeeeeuuuuwww, I have COW POOP ON ME!
Caroline Sexton: [after he has just suggested splitting fifty fifty of their estate, i.e. debt] Fifty-fifty. Not on your LIFE!
Brad Sexton: Then it'll get UGLY.
Caroline Sexton: Good! I can do ugly!
[turns and walks away]
Caroline Sexton: I've done YOU for the last ten years!
Brad Sexton: ...If memories serve, you stopped doing me after six and a half!... Happy anniversary, honey!
Caroline Sexton: [offscreen] FUCK OFF!
Brad Sexton: [dryly] Okay.
Frank Hall, IRS: How do you tell 'em apart? They all look alike to me.
Brad Sexton: This just keeps getting better and better!
Brad Sexton: [Aftr a long day & night without sleep, Grandpa Yoder busts in the door early holding an axe to wake up them up] Look honey, it's 4:45. We must have over-slept!
Frank Hall, IRS: Whoa, look, sir. Hey, I know I may be a little new at this but I don't think we shoot people for cheating on their taxes.
Insp. Derek Lester: Oh. You're right. You are new at this.
Mary: You're so lucky to not have a pre-nup.
Caroline Sexton: We didn't have anything, there was nothing to nup.
Caroline Sexton: Coffee? This is a coffee-drinking ordnun? Ohh, praise the Lord, sister.
Brad Sexton: [explaining to Henner why he always gets tounge-tied around Rebecca] That's what women do to men. It's called "being in love".
Brad Sexton: So I went into Saks to get some socks, got a suit and some sex.
Caroline Sexton: Hmm. It's actually soft over here.
Brad Sexton: [mutter] Probably because you're sitting in cow dung.
Caroline Sexton: Excuse me?
Brad Sexton: [aloud] Uh... I said, "My oh my, is that cow hung."
Caroline Sexton: You are such a pervert.
Brad Sexton: [standing under the rear of a bull statue] This is bullshit!
Caroline Sexton: Well, after tonight, I don't know how I'll ever be able to face my friends again.
Brad Sexton: Just pretend they're a mirror.
Caroline Sexton: You're so funny, honey. Actually, I'll just confess to them that I'm married to a MORON. And that way, they'll feel sorry for me and forgive me.
Brad Sexton: Well, this "moron" built you this fabulous life.
Caroline Sexton: Oh, that again. Oh, I forgot. That's right, honey! You did EVERYTHING, and I did NOTHING.
Brad Sexton: Well, I have developed sixteen commercial properties in the last five years, including Euro-Alcatraz.
Caroline Sexton: Oooooh... I'm sorry, did you say "Euro-Alcatraz"? "Vacation in... The Big House"? Say, did you hear that?
Brad Sexton: What?
Caroline Sexton: The sound of an entire continent laughing at you?
Brad Sexton: [sarcastically] Ouch! Caroline, refresh my memory, will you please? What exactly have YOU done in the past five years? Wait a minute: I know. You've done Bloomingdale's. You've done lunch. You've done chemical peels. You've done collagen. You've done liposuction.
[makes sucking noises]
Brad Sexton: Wowwww.
Caroline Sexton: You poor, deluded little monkey. Who do you think brought you to these people? Hmm? Without me, Brad, you would be nothing.
[blows cigarette smoke in his face]
Brad Sexton: [sputters] I beg your pardon, but I had a very successful real estate career before I ever met you.
Caroline Sexton: Oh. Really. So you consider leasing parking spaces a real estate career? Well, here's a news flash, BRAD: I took you from K-Mart to Tiffany's. I invented you.
Brad Sexton: Okay. Well. Then I guess you have no one else to blame... but yourself.
Caroline Sexton: That's -
[stops. Brad laughs, she groans]
Caroline Sexton: I guess not.
Brad Sexton: [she walks away, he smirks after her] Good NIGHT.
[they each retreat to their own separate sleeping quarters]
Caroline Sexton: [Somebody cuts Caroline's credit cards, she immediately blames it on Brad]
Caroline Sexton: That BASTARD.
[Brad's account is frozen, he thinks Caroline is the guilty party]
Brad Sexton: That BITCH.
[Brad has just managed to crash their car - a stole taxi - into a lake]
Brad Sexton: [trying to help her out] Are you all right?
Caroline Sexton: No, I'm *not* all right, you *idiot*!
Brad Sexton: Come on!
Caroline Sexton: Get out of my way! I'll do it myself!
Caroline Sexton: [flailing her arms around] Help! I'm drowning! Please, Brad, help, don't let me die!
Tourist Man: Look, what's this gonna take, huh? Whaddaya need? Five bucks? A little Amish Lincoln?
Frank Hall, IRS: [after both crash into Dunker's Pond and into the sunken taxicab] I think I messed myself, sir.
Insp. Derek Lester: Walk it off, son.
Brad Sexton: Uh-oh. You've crossed over. You've become one of us.
Brad Sexton: Somehow, Caroline has managed to freeze all of my accounts.
Bob Lachman: Caroline? Are you sure?
Brad Sexton: Well, who the hell else would?
Bob Lachman: Well, there was that little IRS audit thing. I left out a few little details.
Brad Sexton: What sort of little details? FIVE MILLION DOLLARS?
[echoes throughout the bank]
Brad Sexton: [referring to his new Shiastu 2000 chair] What do you think?
Bob Lachman: I'll tell you what I think. I think thank you are spending development money on stupid toys.
Brad Sexton: These are not stupid toys! These are business tools! I write all this stuff off.
Bob Lachman: Oh, I would give you one more piece of advice. If I were you, I would leave town, because I-I think they're gonna arrest you.
Brad Sexton: Arrest me? Why?
Bob Lachman: Well, because, you know, it's not my name on those returns, Sluggo. It's yours. Have a nice day.
[hangs up; directing the cabby]
Bob Lachman: Kennedy.