Phillip Brainard: If we were interested in making money, we wouldn't have become teachers.
Phillip Brainard: I love you with every cell, with every atom. I love you on a subatomic level.
Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: I was just gonna, you know, grade my lunch, eat a few tests and hope for the best.
Martha George: [about the excitement of getting married] How do you hold it in?
Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: [thinking she meant waste] Well, like everybody else, Ruthie. I just cross my legs real tight.
Martha George: [gets a little tickled by that answer] I was talking about your excitement.
Weebo: Maybe you should just go without me.
Weebo: Because I get car sick.
Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: Oh, come on. You're not gonna blow chips.
Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: You don't have a stomach.
Weebo: I have a queasy gyro.
Wilson Croft: What happened between us, Phil?
Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: Well, I just got tired of you stealing my ideas, Wilson.
Wilson Croft: I'm not an innovator like you, Phil. I'm an adapter, and to that end, I have profited from your ideas.
Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: Why are you here?
Wilson Croft: Well, to be honest. I'm here this weekend to steal your fiancee. And make her my wife.
Professor Philip 'Phil' Brainard: Well, I think you'll be sadly disappointed.
[Smith and Wesson discuss the incident at Brainard's house]
Chester Hoenicker: All right. One more time, what happened?
Wesson: He took a golf ball. He rubbed this cream on it and then the golf ball took and...
[Wesson makes a popping sound]
Wesson: ...popped Smith in the head.
Smith: Several times.
Chester Hoenicker: Mm-hmm.
Wesson: I got hit with a bowling ball.
Chester Hoenicker: Were you drinking?
Smith: Two bears at dinner. Wesson had a white wine.
Wesson: With dinner.
Chester Hoenicker: Right.
Wesson: It's this stuff he's got, sir. Its... I don't know what it is. I don't know where it come from, but...
[Smith and Wesson both sigh]
Wesson: ...It will give you one heck of a headache.
Chester Hoenicker: Oh... goodness.
[after two of Brainard's balls hit Smith and Wesson while testing the Flubber, the bowling ball knocks the cap off a tank of a compressed gas]
Phillip Brainard: [high-pitched voice] This definitely has applications in the field of sports. Ho, ho, ho! Yes!
Rutland Coach: Hey, are you blind? They're doin' something illegal out there.
Referee: Coach, nowhere in the rule book does it say anything about jumpin' too high. Now sit down!
Father: There's not a darn thing to be afraid of, pal. How can anything get in your window? It's closed, OK?
[Flubber crashes through the neighbor's window, bounces around and the boy covers himself in a blanket]
[Brainard and Reynolds are visiting Hoenicker to discuss the Flubber]
Chester Hoenicker: You came to repay your loan?
Phillip Brainard: No.
Chester Hoenicker: I know you didn't. I was just having a little fun.
Phillip Brainard: I'm here to sell you the Flubber.
Chester Hoenicker: You been to your house recently?
Phillip Brainard: Yes.
Chester Hoenicker: Do I really need to buy it?
Phillip Brainard: Flubber's a very quixotic substance. It's very difficult to handle. Have you tried to do anything with it?
Chester Hoenicker: My man is working on it. It won't be a problem.
Phillip Brainard: Well, I could make it a lot easier for you. If you give us a 30 day extension on the loan, I'll tell you everything I know... and make you a great deal of Flubber.
Chester Hoenicker: I'll give you the 30 days, and after that you give me two years. Whatever you come up with over the next two years is mine.
Sara Reynolds: That's not fair.
Chester Hoenicker: Shop somewhere else, lady.
Phillip Brainard: Sara. Sara. I'll do it.
Phillip Brainard: Weebo - - I've just solved all our problems!
Weebo: [showing an image of Dumbo on her display screen] I'm all ears.