Fan 1:
What about last season?
Fan 2:
What about it?
Fan 1:
They were rubbish. They were fucking rubbish.
Fan 2:
They weren't that bad.
Fan 1:
They were fucking rubbish last year. And they were fucking rubbish the year before. And I don't care if they are top of the League, they'll be fucking rubbish this year, too. And next year. And the year after that. I'm not joking.
Fan 2:
I don't know why you come, Frank. Honest I don't.
Fan 1:
Well, you live in hope, don't you?
Paul Ashworth:
May I smoke?
Sarah Hughes:
No. You can stay the night, though, if you want.
Paul Ashworth:
I wouldn't put that on. It... you know... not the right mood.
Sarah Hughes:
Oh? And what's the right mood?
Paul Ashworth:
Well... I don't know. Just something...
Sarah Hughes:
What?
Paul Ashworth:
You know... just... something not as sweary and loud.
Sarah Hughes:
Paul, that's the most romantic thing you've ever said to me.
Paul Ashworth:
[
smiling] Shut up.
Paul's Dad:
Look, we don't have to go to Arsenal every time I'm in London, do we? I thought we'd be beyond that stage now.
Young Paul:
We'll never be beyond that stage.
Sarah Hughes:
What are those?
Paul Ashworth:
My Arsenal boxer shorts. But they're not my best ones, I was running out...
Sarah Hughes:
But you're willing to show them to another human being?
Sarah Hughes:
I don't think that Arsenal's home form is a sturdy enough basis for marriage and parenthood, do you?
Paul Ashworth:
No. Not even this season.
Steve:
Stanley Matthews was playing First Division football when he was fifty.
Paul Ashworth:
I'll bet you any money you like you're not playing First Division football when you're fifty.
Steve:
[
looks at his cigarette] Well, no. It's the smoking.
Paul Ashworth:
It's NOT the smoking, Steve. It's the crapness.
[
Paul's doorbell is buzzing during the last minute of Liverpool v. Arsenal]
Paul Ashworth:
[
out a window, not really seeing who it is] Will you please, please, please, please, please just fucking FUCK OFF? You have arrived during the worst sixty seconds of my life, and I really don't want to see you.
[
the window slams shut. The visitor is revealed to be Sarah]
Paul Ashworth:
[
to Steve] Why ask? And what sort of berk would do that? You'd just about forgive an alien visitor from the planet Tharg, but even then, you'd have...
[
Paul realizes what he's done and runs to the door]
Steve:
Where're you going? You're mad. You might miss something.
Jo:
[
regarding Sarah's sudden interest in her boyfriend's favorite team] It's all a sinister form of male manipulation.
Sarah Hughes:
Rubbish!
Jo:
It's true! You get colonized! Your native culture gets driven out, and it's replaced by stuff that you don't like and don't even want to know about.
Ted, the Headmaster:
I wanted to talk to you about a vacancy. Rosie Hunter's handed in her notice I wonder whether you'd be interested in applying.
Paul Ashworth:
Head of year? Erm, well...
Ted, the Headmaster:
It's obviously not the most attractive offer you've ever had.
Paul Ashworth:
*Come on Ben, get back with him!* Sorry Ted.
Ted, the Headmaster:
I haven't fired you with enthusiasm.
Paul Ashworth:
Well there's a lot of work, isn't it? What do I want to do more work for?
Ted, the Headmaster:
More money?
Paul Ashworth:
Well I've got enough to pay my rent, I got enough for my season ticket and a couple of records a month. Got no family.
Ted, the Headmaster:
I'd like you to think about it.
Paul Ashworth:
Sorry Ted as far as I'm concerned there's nothing to think about. *Come on Sam, put it away!*
Paul Ashworth:
Why is it that adults aren't supposed to go mad about anything? You gotta keep a lid on it. And if you don't then people are apparently entitled to say what they like. "You haven't grown up. You're a moron. Your conversation is trivial and boorish. You can't express your emotional needs. You can't relate to your children." And you die, lonely and miserable. But you know, what the hell, every cloud has a silver lining.
Paul Ashworth:
[
after Robert missed the goal at the end of the game] If you had to choose between wining this afternoon and Arsenal winning tomorrow night, what would you go for?
Robert:
Tomorrow night of course!
Paul Ashworth:
There you go then.
Robert:
What, you're telling me, Arsenal are gonna win two nil at Anfield?
Paul Ashworth:
I can't promise, can I? Well there's a, chance isn't there? You've done your bit, you've missed the penalty. If that's what it takes then it'll be worth it.
Robert:
Yeah, course.
[
smiles]
Paul Ashworth:
Leave it up to Arsenal to score one goal when they need two.
Steve:
You want them to score the second goal before they score the first?
Sarah Hughes:
So you don't get many Micky Thomas moments in real life?
Paul Ashworth:
You don't a lot in football either.
Sarah Hughes:
Paul, it's only a game!
Paul Ashworth:
DON'T SAY THAT! Please! That is the worst, most stupid thing anyone could say! Cause it quite clearly isn't "only a game." I mean if it was do you honestly think I'd care this much? Eh? Eighteen years! Eight-teen years! Do you know what you wanted eighteen years ago? Or ten? Or five? Did you want to be Head of Year at North London Comprehensive, I doubt it. I'd doubt if you wanted anything for that long. And if you had, and if you'd spent three months thinking that finally, FINALLY you were gonna get it and just when you think it's there it's taken away from you... I mean I don't care what it is, a car, a job, an Oscar, the baby... then you'd understand how I was feeling tonight. But there isn't, and you don't, so...
Sarah Hughes:
So, so what, so fuck off, go home, leave you alone? I'll tell you something Paul, there isn't anything that I've wanted for eighteen years, cause I was a kid eighteen years ago. And if I did still want the same things I'd think I'd gone wrong somewhere, because actually I don't want to marry David Cassidy, I don't want bigger tits, I don't want to do better on my marks. I've stopped worrying about that kind of thing and maybe you should try.
Paul Ashworth:
Well maybe there's a big bit of you that's gone missing somewhere, maybe everyone should want something they've always wanted.
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