Almost Heroes (1998)
Hunt: I name this here fork "Pittsburgh Nellie"; a Welsh whore who could do things with her one good arm that'd make you forget that *thing* on her neck.
Hunt: What I remembered the most were the animals.
Edwards: [smiles] Ah, the animals...
Hunt: Fearsome beasts of the mountains and plains. I've seen a bear so powerful... that it *snapped* a man's body in half with his huge jaws. Garrgghh! Garrgghh! I've seen a badger with paws as big as frying pans. And that'd rip your face right off! Right off! Nothing you can do with that! Just rip it off! Once there was a hawk that swooped down from the sky... Aggghhh! Aggghhh! Aggghhh! And plucked a man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Auuuggghhh! Auuuggghhh! The fella was screaming, "I'm blind! I can't see!" *Twice* when I was fishing...
Higgins: [Horrified] THERE'S AN ANIMAL NOW!
[everyone except Edwards and Hunt starts firing at the animal]
Higgins: We can't kill it! We're all dead! God save us!
Hunt: Hold your fire! Hold your fire!
[everyone stops firing. Hunt looks closely and sees that the animal is just a squirrel nibbling on an acorn]
Hunt: It's only a squirrel.
Pratt: He's got something in his hand!
Guy Fontenot: Something in his hand!
[they continue firing at the squirrel]
Pratt: [Picks up Bidwell's ear from the dirt] Look at me. I'm going to make an experiment.
[Starts talking into the ear]
Pratt: Hello, Bidwell? Can you hear me?
Bidwell: I can hear you, Pratt.
Pratt: It works.
Edwards: Well, of course, it works. He's standing right... Let's get some sleep.
Pratt: Permission to check on the condition of my woman, sir? I wanna check on her bandages and see if she can keep some food down.
Edwards: You are aware, of course, that this woman of yours is... made of... straw?
Pratt: Oh, yes, sir. Figure that's why she burned so easy.
Edwards: Mr. President, we have to give bears the right to vote... or bears will rise up and then BEARS will be in congress and we will be the ones performing in the circus, wearing little hats.
Lady: I hope Satan himself burns the flesh from your miserable bones.
Hunt: Good God, Lady.
Jackson: Sir, Higgins has a story.
Edwards: Well, Higgins the floor is yours.
Higgins: This particular event happened last summer on my uncle's farm in Virginia. My brother and I had just finished cutting a field of hay and were enjoying the evening meal under the shade of an elm tree. He went down for water by the creek and when he was gone, I took a bowl that was filled with delicious plum pudding and placed into it, not one, but two large pieces of sheep shit. When he returned I encouraged him to taste the plum pudding... And as sure as Im standing before you, he did! He ate it all. Shit Pudding!
Edwards: You got your brother to eat sheep dung. That is a very interesting story.
Hunt: Tell him the ending, that's the best part.
Higgins: Oh yeah. To be perfectly honest with you sir, I have no brother. It was me. I ate sheep shit! Swear to God.
Edwards: Clever twist there on the ending.
Hunt: The next man who leaves for New Orleans
Hunt: will do so with a lead ball in his back!
Bidwell: [returns to camp after a bear has bit off his leg] Sir, I've been to hell and back.
Edwards: Yes, I can see that...
Bidwell: I suspect that you'll want to lead a hunting party to slay that terrible beast.
Edwards: Well, yes, that thought did cross my mind briefly. But now I have a better idea.
Bidwell: Yes, sir?
Edwards: I shall fashion for you the finest wooden leg you've ever seen.
Bidwell: But what about the bear?
Edwards: Rest assured, Bidwell, in 20 years or so, the ravages of old age will deal with the bear far more cruelly than we ever could have.
Bidwell: Revenge is sweet, sir.
[a bear has come into camp]
Bidwell: My nose itches.
Hunt: Don't scratch it.
Bidwell: Feels like there's a bug up in there.
Hunt: You scratch your nose. You're dead.
Bidwell: Well, I don't know what's worse. The bear or my itchy nose.
Hunt: I think it's leavin'.
Bidwell: I'm going to scratch it!
[begins scratching his nose and the bear turns around and bites his leg]
Bidwell: [shouts] The bear is worse! The bear is definitely worse!
Bidwell: Sir, sir. I've been to hell and back!
Edwards: Yes, I can see that!
Bidwell: I suspect that now you'll want to lead a hunting party, to slay that terrible beast!
Edwards: Well, yes, that thought did cross my mind. Briefly. But now I have a better idea.
Bidwell: Yes sir?
Edwards: I shall fashion for you the finest wooden leg you have ever seen!
Bidwell: Oh, but what about the bear?
Edwards: Rest assured, Bigwell, in twenty years or so, the ravishes of old age will deal with the bear, far more cruelly than we ever could have.
Bidwell: Revenge is sweet sir!
Pratt: [Talking into Bidwell's ear in his hand] Bidwell? Bidwell! I fear the bear has killed Mr. Bidwell sir! He's failed to communicate with the me, by way of his ear...
Edwards: It doesn't work that way, it doesn't work anyway! But even if it did, he couldn't talk through it!
Pratt: [Again, talking into Bidwell's ear in his hand] Sh... Bidwell?
Guy Fontenot: He look in our tent! He look at my woman! He saw 'er breast.
Edwards: Her breast? You saw her breast?