Doctor Dolittle (1998)
Dr. John Dolittle: You know how to do CPR?
Rat #2: CPR? I can't even spell it!
Lucky: ...Just like his dad wanted, John Dolittle grew up to be a normal and regular guy - you know, miserable.
Dr. John Dolittle: [John emerges from his apartment to get his newspaper; he notices a stray puppy in the hallway] Hey, get out of here!
[the puppy wimpers and takes a squirt right there in the hallway. John yells inside]
Dr. John Dolittle: Hey, there's a vicious animal in the hallway!
Dr. John Dolittle: [driving back to San Francisco from his father's home] ... Hi, Sam! I was just on my way into town; I wondered if you might want to get together for a drink or a CAT scan or something.
Dr. Sam Litvack: John, it's 1:00 in the morning. Can't it wait until dawn?
'I Love You' Dog: [John pulls up alongside another car; the huge, sad-looking dog in its passenger-seat looks over at him] ... *I LOVE YOU.*
Dr. John Dolittle: ...No it can't, Sam. I have to come over right now.
Dr. John Dolittle: [John plays rehab counselor to an alcoholic monkey from the circus] ... The problem with your equilibrium might be due to an inner ear infection...
[the monkey grunts, belches, and produces a small empty bottle]
Dr. John Dolittle: ... Or it may be due to THIS.
French Monkey: I'm a social drinker. Ha ha.
French Monkey: Very social. Ha ha.
Dr. John Dolittle: I think you're wasted. Nobody likes a drunk monkey.
Lucky: What's he doing with that?
Dr. John Dolittle: You don't want to know.
Lucky: Just don't let him stick that thing up my... HELLO!
[Lucky is looking out of a car window]
Lucky: Oh, I'm so dizzy. All I see is line, line, line line.
Dr. John Dolittle: So look somewhere else.
Lucky: Okay. Tree, tree, tree tree.
[after performing CPR on a rat, the rat farts]
Dr. John Dolittle: He just had gas
Rat #2: Whoa! you're telling me!
Rodney: [on telephone] Hey, honey, feeling better?
Dr. John Dolittle: Who's this?
Rodney: I'll give you a hint: I'm cute, I'm furry, and I make five hundred babies a year!
Dr. John Dolittle: Rodney. Get back in your cage.
Rodney: What's up with that trap behind the fridge? You trying to kill me?
Dr. John Dolittle: Never mind that. Get your little furry ass back in your cage. Now. I don't want your droppings on... Bye-bye.
[to security guard]
Dr. John Dolittle: My son Rodney. Little hairy boy, sleeps in the cage. I have to keep him in the cage because he has hygiene problems.
Lucky: A little girl once called me "Please mommy, not him."
Dr. Mark Weller: John, do me a favor. Don't ever confide in me. I'm utterly useless in these areas. I'm really a very self-absorbed man.
Rodney: Ooh, man - you scared the crap out of me. See? There it is.
Maya Dolittle: [Her pet guinea pig is missing] Dad, you HAVE to find Rodney.
Dr. John Dolittle: Sure, I'll find your rat.
Maya Dolittle: He's a guinea pig.
Dr. John Dolittle: Whatever; they're both rodents. I'll find your rodent; I'll put down some of that sticky paper for him.
Maya Dolittle: No, not that!
Dr. John Dolittle: It'll be fine; you peel him right off it, and he'll live.
Tiger: [atop an observatory] ... And now, on the day I end it all, I'd like to leave Margaret the bearded lady my rhinestone collar and my wet-dry shaver. I'd like to leave Jack the midget nothing. It's too late for you, Jack. You're a short...
[John's Range-Rover pulls up at the main entrance, far below. With John are Lucky and both of the Rats]
Tiger: ... Hey, get out of there! You're in my landing space!
Rat #2: [from the Range-Rover] See if you land on your feet, Road-Kill.
Lucky: [following John up to confront the tiger] ... Coming right up - one order of man, side of dog.
Tiger: Good-bye, cruel world. Oh no, I just remembered. I wanted to leave the whip to the baboon. One of the few animals which enjoy that kind of thing.
Dr. John Dolittle: [attempts to talk the tiger out of jumping from the observatory] Hey, whoa. Take it easy now... Remember that song "Eye of the Tiger," from ROCKY 3? When Rocky was fighting Mr. T, couldn't beat him - then Apollo Creed played "Eye of the Tiger" for him. Rocky beat the snot out of Mr. T because of "Eye of the Tiger." Because that song moved Rocky inside...
[He sings the song, way out of tune, to demonstrate]
Dr. John Dolittle: ... Not Eye of the Moose, not Eye of the Bull, Eye of the TIGER.
Tiger: That's it. I'm jumping.
Dr. John Dolittle: Listen, I'm a doctor. Maybe I can help you. If I can't, then you can eat me AND Lucky.
Lucky: Or just him.
Tiger: All right. I just hope you're a better doctor than you are a singer.
Lucky: Good job, Doc. Although, seeing a tiger jump 5 stories would have been really cool.
Tiger: I heard that.
Dr. Mark Weller: ...John, Gene has got qualms about the new proposal.
Dr. Gene 'Geno' Reiss: I'm worried that, if we let a big company like Calnet take us over, we're not gonna be us anymore. We'd be - THEM.
Dr. John Dolittle: Let me explain something: THEM has the best hospitals and laboratories; and THEM is gonna pay us a very big, giant amount of money.
Dr. Mark Weller: When I think about the money, I get teary... Saturday morning, we're meeting the Calnet people.
Dr. John Dolittle: Whoa. I'm supposed to take my family to the country this weekend.
Dr. Mark Weller: Well, don't.
Dr. Gene 'Geno' Reiss: You see, it's happening already: you're being forced to neglect your family.
Dr. Mark Weller: Gene, relax. No such thing. OK, Saturday morning. And Gene - no tank tops, please.
Dr. John Dolittle: ...Your daughter's turning into a little wise-ass.
Lisa Dolittle: Worse. She's turning into a little YOU.
Lisa Dolittle: ...There's more to this HMO deal than money. You sell, they own you.
Dr. John Dolittle: Lisa, this is gonna be good for us.
Lisa Dolittle: I'm so tired of that rap. It's always for US, but sometimes I don't know who US *IS!*
Lisa Dolittle: [John has bought Lisa a fancy new sports car] Oh, my God! John, you didn't!
Dr. John Dolittle: No, I didn't. The van's around the corner. But don't tell me you don't care about money.
Dr. John Dolittle: [to a 26-year-old intern who has summoned him to the hospital at 2 AM to deal with a difficult patient] ... You spend all your time here, right? Probably grab your naps curled up in the break room; Little occasional nookie with one of the interns in the closet. But I have a real life, and I'd appreciate it if you only call me down here when there's a REAL emergency. If one of my patients comes in carrying his own head, call me. If somebody comes in with a bicycle halfway up their ass, call me.
Squirrel #1: ...Bagel chips!
Squirrel #2: Back off, or you'll find your nuts in a tree!
Squirrel #1: Ow! Where's the love?
Dr. John Dolittle: [to fellow doctor Sam Litvack] ... I don't want to wind up like one of those street guys: talking to myself; with dirt under my fingernails; stinking; with my hair all matted. It's not a cool look.
Rodney: [Rodney's cage is strapped to the top of John's Range-Rover, which is cruising down the highway] ... Come on, Doc! I'm getting whisker-whipped up here! Hey - this is cruel to animals!
Dr. John Dolittle: One more word, and I'm letting you out! I'll leave you in the wild! With the REAL animals! See how much talk you do when squirrels are kickin' your ass in!
Rodney: Fine, then I'll just sing!
[proceeds to sing Bob Dylan's "Blowin' In the Wind," way out of tune]
Rodney: ..."The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind..."
Dr. John Dolittle: SHUT UP!
[turns the radio way up]
Rodney: [singing] ... This guinea pig is blowin' in the wind!
Dr. John Dolittle: I can't hear you! I'm groovin'!
Rodney: ...Why do they call me "guinea pig," anyway? I'm not Italian, and I'm not pork...!
Dr. John Dolittle: SHUT UP, I SAID!
Maya Dolittle: Grandpa, did Daddy learn how to be bossy from you?
Archer Dolittle: He certainly didn't learn it from his mother, God rest her soul.
[John's Range-Rover drives up, with Rodney's cage strapped to the roof]
Maya Dolittle: Daddy, what's Rodney doing on the roof?
Dr. John Dolittle: I thought the fresh air would do him good.
Rodney: Lunatic! Crazy man! Psycho!
Dr. John Dolittle: [looks at Rodney murderously] ... Daddy, we still got those BB guns I used to play with when I was little?
Lisa Dolittle: [John has just been talking to an owl when Lisa joins him outside] Oh, my goodness - It's an owl.
Dr. John Dolittle: Yeah - it's a big, nasty owl. Let's go in.
Lisa Dolittle: It's beautiful.
Dr. John Dolittle: They're very dangerous: they can poke your eye out; take your finger off very easily... all of that.
Raccoon: [In the middle of the night, John goes into his father's kitchen to get a drink of water... and promptly regrets it] ... Can I make a request? Tuna in OIL instead of WATER?
Crow: Hey, who put in that bug-zapper?
[John charges outside]
Possum: Yo, looky here. Hey, buddy. My old lady asks, I been eating trash all night. You dig?
[John accidentally steps on a Skunk]
Skunk: Yah! You're on my tail, you idiot... You broke Mr. Stinky, I think.
[John flees to his Range-Rover]
Raccoon: Doc, while you're out, get some salmon. You can't go wrong with salmon.
Rat #1: [John has just arrived at the home of his old friend, Sam Litvack, for a CAT scan] ... What's your problem?
Rat #2: Your face.
Rat #1: I'll hit you so hard, you'll see 10 more of me.
Rat #2: It already SMELLS like 10 more of you. So just bring it on, cheese-eater... Hey, you gerbil!
Rat #1: [They both notice John staring at them for the first time] ... What are YOU looking at?
Dr. John Dolittle: I'm just looking at a couple of greasy rats fighting over some garbage.
Rat #2: Come HERE and say that, you 4-eyed bubble-headed doofus biped! I'll get bubonic on your ass!
Dr. John Dolittle: What if I take that light bulb there, and put it between your little rat butt cheeks, and make a little rodent lamp out of you?
[notices that Sam Litvack has joined him]
Dr. John Dolittle: ... I'm sorry, Sam; how are you?
Blaine Hammersmith: [John has been admitted to the "retreat" of his old medical school-nemesis, Blain] ... John Dolittle. Who would have ever thought YOU would end up in a mental institution? Number one in our medical school class. Not that I'm jealous, John. Someone had to finish first.
Dr. John Dolittle: Someone had to finish last, too.
Blaine Hammersmith: So, John... You talk to animals now, do you? Would you like to tell me about it? Or would you rather tell my friend here - Bettelheim?
Dr. John Dolittle: I don't need to talk to your cat, Blain.
Blaine Hammersmith: Why, do you think he would talk back to you?
Dr. John Dolittle: He just might.
Blaine Hammersmith: And what would he say?
Bettleheim the Cat: I'd say Blain Hammersmith was a butthead.
Dr. John Dolittle: I really like this cat.
Tiger: [Jake the Tiger is about to be taken, by John and Lucky, to the hospital for an operation] ... Wait a minute. The dog gets to ride up front?
Lucky: Stop looking at me like I'm a side dish.
Tiger: Don't flatter yourself.
Archer Dolittle: [to Lisa and Maya, the latter of whom has resolved to give up her experiments and be more like John] ... John's always been able to talk with animals. I used to think it was a handicap, but it's not; it's a gift. Sometimes, daddies are the ones who need to change.
Dr. John Dolittle: [to Lucky] ... You are NOT my pet. I wouldn't get one as annoying as you.
Maya Dolittle: [Lucky has conned John into taking him to Camp Hawkeye as a pet for Kyla] ... Does he do any tricks?
Dr. John Dolittle: He does a neat trick with a thermometer that's funny.
Dr. John Dolittle: ...This should take care of the inflammation. The only problem is, who'll wipe it on for you?
Goat: Does Brad Pitt need a goat?
Dr. John Dolittle: [Lucky walks in on an intimate moment between John and Lisa] ... Oh, Mrs. Dolittle...!
Lucky: Yeah, baby!
Dr. John Dolittle: [to Lisa] Excuse me just one second, OK?
Dr. John Dolittle: Let's go.
Lucky: What a gyp.
Dr. John Dolittle: You mind if I have a little privacy, please?
Lucky: But it's fine when people watch us dogs do it, huh?
[John shuts the door on him; he continues]
Lucky: ... Fine to turn on the garden hose. Hey, you want a tip on a good position...?
Pig: [Various animals are pouring into John's apartment] ... Good evening, Doctor.
Dr. John Dolittle: ...No. You're gonna have to take your fat ass back out.
Penguin: Oh, my God. What a zoo.
Pig: Hmm, obviously not a kosher establishment.
Rooster: Where are the chicks? Ooh! I'm cool.
Pig: [belches] ... Very well-appointed sty.
Dr. John Dolittle: What's going on? What is all this?
Owl: I don't know. You know, tell a friend. Ha ha.
Lucky: Looks like they need to talk to a doctor, Doc.
Sheep: Our butts hurt.
Dr. John Dolittle: Okay. Let's do this. And watch your droppings.
Rodney: Tonight, this is the house of love! East Coast! West Coast! Let's unite! Is Brooklyn in the house...?
Dr. John Dolittle: [John is acting as a marriage counsellor to a couple of pigeons] ... It's not something you should be ashamed of. It happens to most men occasionally. You're probably under a lot of pressure.
Female Pigeon: He's not under pressure. He's not atracted to me, because I'm just a pigeon. He's a self-hating pigeon... As him what he does all day... He sits in a tree by himself - because he's too good to eat with the rest of us, when the old people feed us in the park. And the way he stares at a robin's breasts, it's enough to make you sick.
Male Pigeon: I happen to be attracted to orange breasts.
Female Pigeon: [to her husband] You're not a robin, or a dove, or a hawk. You're a pigeon, and I'm a pigeon...
Male Pigeon: [to John] She sits on the nest all day and gets crazy.
Female Pigeon: ...With three eggs, and they're gonna be pigeons, too.
Male Pigeon: [to John] May I ask you something? If I turn THIS way, don't I look a LITTLE like a blue jay?
Dr. John Dolittle: ...You're suffering from obsessive-compulsive behavior...
Compulsive Dog: [bouncing like a pogo stick] Throw the ball!
Dr. John Dolittle: When you want the ball, think about something else...
Compulsive Dog: Don't say anything more! Throw the ball!
Dr. John Dolittle: You need to relax your mind...
Compulsive Dog: You're the person. You throw the ball. I'm the dog. I get it. Simple as that. I swear, I'll pee on your carpet. Please, please, please, throw the ball. Shut up and throw the ball. Am I alone here? Am I all by myself? Am I in ANOTHER UNIVERSE?
Lucky: THROW THE DAMN BALL!
[John resignedly does so]
Compulsive Dog: He threw the ball! Oh, he threw the ball! I'll get it! I'll get it! I love you! I love you! You threw the ball...!
Rodney: [to John] ... You can't save 'em all, Hasselhoff.
Astigmatic Police Horse: [having shown himself to John's apartment] ... Is there a doctor in the house...? They're gonna kick me off the force. I'm as blind as a bat. Can you help me?
[and later, after John has corrected his vision]
Astigmatic Police Horse: ... Holy road apples! I can see! No desk job for me! Thanks a million, Doc. This is gonna be great. I'll make lieutenant. Nothing can stop me, nothing - Look a that, a doughnut shop...!
Dr. Mark Weller: [gushing - again - about the prospective Calnet merger] ... You're not gonna believe what I got for us, John: corporate cars every two years.
Dr. John Dolittle: [referring to how they've lost touch with what's really important] Hey, Mark... Do you remember when we first started out? We had those crummy offices, at the worst neighborhood in town. We got paid almost no money.
Dr. Mark Weller: I've blocked it out.
Lucky: [having tracked John all the way to the Hammersmith Retreat] ... I crossed three freeways to get here - at NIGHT, no less - and all you can say is "What are you doing here?"
Lady: [to her dog] Lie down, Chauncey. Lie down. Lie down, Chauncey!
Lady: He's deaf.
Chauncey: I'm not deaf. I just can't stand listening to her.
Baby Gator: [just hatched, looks at Rodney] Mama?
Rodney: Mama, I'm not ya mama.
Baby Gator: [to Lucky] Mama?
Lucky: Oh, no, don't look at me... Well, there was this one time I got drunk in the Everglades...
Dr. John Dolittle: How come I can hear you talking?
Lucky: I dunno. Maybe you're just weird or something.
Dr. John Dolittle: Shut up. You're a dog. DOGS CANNOT TALK.
Lucky: What the hell do you think barking is, an involuntary spasm?
Lucky: Hi, I'm Lucky! It works on two levels, I love it!
[after he starts hearing animal voices]
Dr. John Dolittle: Those guys in my dorm told me that stuff wouldn't mess me up, now fifteen years later, this shit happens!
German Shepherd: No! Don't fix me! DON'T fix me! I'll never look at another female ever, I swear! Just don't take my manhood, man! Anything but my ma...
[he sees a Lassie-esque border collie walk past]
German Shepherd: Yo baby wassup, you lookin' pretty sweet there sugar.
Sheep: [upon entering the doctor's house] Beep, beep, we're the sheep!
Dr. Fish: I have to interpret *why* the dog is whining. He can't tell me.
Lucky: What's to tell? There's a thermometer! It's in my butt!
Dr. John Dolittle: [Trying to keep the Tiger from jumping off a tower] There's been plenty of great tigers.
Tiger: Oh yeah? Name one
Lucky: How about Tony?
Dr. John Dolittle: Tony the cereal tiger?
Lucky: Well I didn't hear you come up with anything.
Lisa Dolittle: [while John is operating on the tiger] He still thinks he can talk to animals.
Archer Dolittle: He can Lisa. He *can* talk to animals. It started when he was young. I thought it was a handicap. But it's a gift Lisa
Rodney: Somebody get the license plate number. I have just been violated!
Woman: Need some help?
Dr. John Dolittle: Oh, no, I'm - we're - we're fine. I'm just stretching my legs a little here.
Rodney: Ask her if she's got any lettuce.
Dr. John Dolittle: Shut your mouth. Shut your furry little mouth right now!
Lucky: [narrating] You know, they say the great thing about being a kid is, it's so easy to pretend. You can have a conversation with your dog or a baseball or a banana. Well, what if wasn't pretend? What if you could have a conversation. I mean, not with a baseball or a banana - that's ridiculous, but - but with your dog?
Lucky: I want my own room, with a TV. Basic cable will be fine.
Rat #1: I hate stories with happy endings.
Rat #1: What did you say?
Rat #2: I didn't say nothing.
Rat #1: Then who?
Owl: [squawks and takes flight]
Rat #1: Ahhh! Run! Run for your lives! Oh my God! Let's go, buddy.
Rat #2: I don't want to die. I'm too young to die! Hang a left! No, hang a right! Look out for the traffic! Oh, legs, do your thing. Get out of my way!
Rat #1: This circle of life really stinks!
Dr. John Dolittle: I didn't say you were crazy, you're special, and crazy, a lot of great people in history were crazy.
Maya Dolittle: Like who?
Dr. John Dolittle: Some of the greatest people in history. Albert Einstein, he came in with that wild hair and everybody thought he was crazy. And Muhammad Ali, he came out saying what rounds he was going to beat people in, going "I'm the greatest!", everybody thought he was crazy. And Joan of Arc, she heard voices.
Maya Dolittle: Like you, Daddy?
Reverend: Leave this boy, devil man! Go now, Satan, take the serpent's voices with ya! I command you to come out of this boy! Come on out of this boy! God said it! Come on out of this boy!
Rodney: [after Dr. Dolittle hears him talk for the first time] Okay, let's chill. Let's just chill.
Dr. John Dolittle: I'm not gonna chill.
Rodney: You gonna chill.
[Dr. Dolittle grabs his cage and removes it from the car]
Rodney: Uh, what are you doing, switching sides?
Dr. John Dolittle: [when Lucky comes to see him at the Hammerstein Retreat] What are you doing here?
Lucky: You're unbelievable. I cross three parkways at night, no less, to come to rescue you, and all I get is "What are you doing here?"
Dr. John Dolittle: This isn't a prison, it's a clinic.
Lucky: Look, the tiger's in bad shape.
Dr. John Dolittle: The tiger? Hey, listen, forget the tiger! Let me tell you something. I had a perfect life until you came along and started talkin' to me. Now I'm sittin' in a robe and slippers discussin' "Mister Ed" with these guys. You've ruined my life enough. I don't wanna talk to you anymore. Just get outta here, please? Go! This is crazy!
Lucky: Oh, I get it: now it's crazy to wanna save a tiger's life.
Dr. John Dolittle: Look, tigers die everyday. It's called nature.
Lucky: Well, let me tell you a little something about nature. I'm a dog, and I act like a dog. I don't try to be anybody else. We are who we are, and you are a doctor who can talk to animals. That's who you are.
Dr. John Dolittle: [defensive] That is not who I am!
Lucky: Stop lying to yourself!
Dr. John Dolittle: [his anger rising by the second] Didn't I tell you to get outta here? Get outta here! Go! Get outta here!
Lucky: [preparing to leave] Fine.
Dr. John Dolittle: Quit comin' around and talkin' to me!
Lucky: [looking over his shoulder] With pleasure!
Dr. John Dolittle: YOU BETTER NOT COME BACK! AAAGH!
[goes on his way]
Dr. John Dolittle: [shouting to no animal in particular] THAT MEANS ALL OF Y'ALL! LEAVE ME ALONE! STOP TALKIN' TO ME!
Lucky: Ruined his life. That's a laugh.
Dr. John Dolittle: AAAGH! AAAAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAAGH!
[after he finishes shouting, he goes back inside where the two other guys are standing there confused]
Dr. John Dolittle: AAAAGH!
Dr. John Dolittle: Hey, give me a break. I saved your life.
Rat #1: That's yesterday's news. Take a hike. You want gratitude? Get a hamster!