Memorable quotes for
"Dilbert" (1999) More at IMDbPro »

Wally: Wow. I never knew that little people could be so sexy
Alice: That's disgusting. I can sue you both for making this a hostile work environment
Dilbert: Ten minutes ago you beat a man senseless.
Alice: He was senseless before I beat him.

---

Dogbert: I'll bet you twenty bucks that giving doesn't feel good.
Dilbert: You're on my cynical friend.
Dogbert: To settle the bet, give me forty dollars and see if it feels good.
Dilbert: That would NOT feel good.
Dogbert: Then give me twenty dollars because you lost the bet.
Dilbert: Did I just make a bet where I would lose twenty dollars either way?

---

Pointy-Haired Boss: And remember, money is no object... unless you intend to spend it.

---

Dogbert: They say only the good die young. If that works both ways, I'm immortal.

---

Dilbert: You said you'd wake me up at eight.
Dogbert: I also said women are attracted to men shaped like potatoes.

---

Pointy-Haired Boss: They say no man faces death wishing he'd spent more time at the office... I guess that makes me the first.

---

Dilmom: Standard Scrabble rules apply: no kicking, biting or slapping. No projectiles of any kind.
Dilbert: Name calling?
Dilmom: Only on your own turn.

---

[In a traffic jam]
Dilbert: Why are we all forced to go to work at the same time? Who arbitrarily decided that 8 AM was a good time for everyone to go to work?

---

[clipping his toenails over a desk drawer that's filled with nail clippings]
Pointy-Haired Boss: Uh-oh, it's almost full. I need a new desk.

---

Dilbert: Ratbert, where's Dogbert?
Ratbert: He's off somewhere installing a puppet government.
Dilbert: He's always off somewhere installing a puppet government.

---

[the Garbage Man uses reanimation liquid to bring Ben Franklin back to life]
Garbage Man: It says it removes carpet stains too, but I have my doubts.

---

Bob Bastard: Would anyone like to join me in a toast to failure?

---

Dilbert: What makes you qualified to be a reporter?
Dogbert: I'm willing to to violate anyone's privacy for my personal gain and then claim with a straight face that the public has a right to know.

---

Dilbert: Thanks, Dogbert. You really bailed me out.
Dogbert: Oh, it's nothing you wouldn't've done for me if you weren't you and I wasn't me and everything was completely different.

---

Dilbert: That's it. I think I've done it.
Dogbert: That's not the word on the street.

---

Dilbert: What do you think an egg dream means?
Dogbert: Hmm, probably an omen.
Dilbert: A good omen?
Dogbert: How many good omens involve things that come out of a chicken's butt?
Dilbert: There only has to be one.

---

Wally: Looks like somebody's not working.

---

Dilbert: This fantasy has been a profound disappointment.

---

Panelist on talk show: I have a poison-dart gun, you won't know what hit you.

---

Asok: Shouldn't we be working?

---

Dogbert: That's outrageous. Idiots shouldn't have money.

---

Dilmom: Woo. Woo. Yes. In your face, mathboy.

---

Loud Howard: That doesn't look like the next generation of computing to me.

---

Pointy-Haired Boss: I don't see anything that could stand in our way.
Dilbert: Sanity? Reality? The laws of physics?

---

Seven of Nine alarm clock: (beep) Get out of bed. Resistance is futile. Wake up and assimilate the day.

---

Pointy-Haired Boss: Everybody down, he's becoming disgruntled.

---

Wally: Well that has 'alibi' written all over it.

---

Dilbert: Well I'll be.
Garbageman: Actually, you already are.

---

Pointy-Haired Boss: Wally, I'll need to review the RFP for the BGA project before the IOC meeting.

---

Wally: Carpe diem, Dilbert.
Dilbert: 'Seize the day.'
Wally: What?
Dilbert: Carpe diem.
Wally: I think that's a fish.

---

Alice: Man, she must've blown some smoke up your butt. Did she use a giant fan or just some kind of hose?

---

Dilbert: Must one person's triumph be another's humiliation?
Alice: Of course.

---

Dilbert: There's nothing wrong with my verbal skills. It only seems that way because my math skills are so high.

---

Pointy-Haired Boss: Save the technical mumbo-jumbo. I just want to know if it'll work.

---

Wally: Who died and made you the Dalai Lama?

---

Alice: I think I speak for all women capable of reproduction when I say... no.

---

Dilbert: Do you ever get tired of watching bad things happen to people?
Dogbert: That's crazy talk.

---

Dogbert: Remember, the first rule of brainstorming is to openly mock the opinions of others.

---

Voicemail system: (phone beeps) You have 937 messages... all of which are marked "urgent".

---

Elbonian Slavedriver: Get to work, you lazy corpse!

---

Bear on talk show: Does anybody care that I'm a bear?

---

Asok: You can use my key to open the box with its teeth.
Dilbert: To open this box I'll need something stronger than a key.
Asok: I once killed a cougar with this key.
[pause]
Asok: It was a really small cougar.
[pause]
Asok: It might have been a potato.

---

Pointy-Haired Boss: Dillbert! Are you listening?
Dilbert: Of course I am. I've learned how to multi-task.
Loud Howard: But men can't multi-task. Only women can multi-task.

---

Dilbert: What's wrong with me?
Dogbert: I was going to wait until the second trimester to tell you but you're pregnant with the sperm of a cow, an Amishman
Dilmom: A hilbilly, and a Martian.

---

Dilbert: [after witnessing Elbonian workers falling into an acid vat] Shouldn't there be a guard rail around that?
Elbonian Slavedriver: [laughing] That's a good one.

---

Seven of Nine alarm clock: [as Dilbert reaches over to hit the snooze button] Don't touch me!
Dilbert: Then how do I turn you off?
Seven of Nine alarm clock: I am PLENTY turned off right now!
Dilbert: Clock tease.

---

Related Links

Plot summary	Plot keywords	FAQ
User reviews	Trivia	Main details
IMDb quotes browser	Search quotes section
Browse titles with quotes by letter    A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z Other

*