The Devil's Advocate (1997)
John Milton: Let me give you a little inside information about God. God likes to watch. He's a prankster. Think about it. He gives man instincts. He gives you this extraordinary gift, and then what does He do, I swear for His own amusement, his own private, cosmic gag reel, He sets the rules in opposition. It's the goof of all time. Look but don't touch. Touch, but don't taste. Taste, don't swallow. Ahaha. And while you're jumpin' from one foot to the next, what is he doing? He's laughin' His sick, fuckin' ass off! He's a tight-ass! He's a SADIST! He's an absentee landlord! Worship that? NEVER!
John Milton: Vanity, definitely my favorite sin.
John Milton: Free will. It's like butterfly wings: once touched, they never get off the ground. No, I only set the stage. You pull your own strings.
Kevin Lomax: What about love?
John Milton: Overrated. Biochemically no different than eating large quantities of chocolate.
John Milton: Don't get too cocky my boy. No matter how good you are don't ever let them see you coming. That's the gaffe my friend. You gotta keep yourself small. Innocuous. Be the little guy. You know, the nerd... the leper... shit-kickin' surfer. Look at me.
[stops and pauses]
John Milton: Underestimated from day one. You'd never think I was a master of the universe, now would ya?
John Milton: You sharpen the human appetite to the point where it can split atoms with its desire; you build egos the size of cathedrals; fiber-optically connect the world to every eager impulse; grease even the dullest dreams with these dollar-green, gold-plated fantasies, until every human becomes an aspiring emperor, becomes his own God... and where can you go from there?
John Milton: Who, in their right mind Kevin, could possibly deny the twentieth century was entirely mine.
Kevin Lomax: "Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven", is that it?
John Milton: Why not? I'm here on the ground with my nose in it since the whole thing began. I've nurtured every sensation man's been inspired to have. I cared about what he wanted and I never judged him. Why? Because I never rejected him. In spite of all his imperfections, I'm a fan of man! I'm a humanist. Maybe the last humanist.
[In Milton's Penthouse]
Kevin Lomax: [quietly] Is there more to it?
Eddie Barzoon: Just this room.
Kevin Lomax: And a bedroom?
Eddie Barzoon: No bedroom.
Kevin Lomax: Where does he sleep?
Eddie Barzoon: Who said he sleeps?
Kevin Lomax: Where does he fuck?
John Milton: [coming up to them] Everywhere.
John Milton: What about you? Your family, you gotta miss 'em.
[Mary Ann shakes her head no]
John Milton: No?
Mary Ann Lomax: I told Kevin the only thing worse than not having a father was having mine.
John Milton: I can relate. I can, believe me.
John Milton: Eddie Barzoon, Eddie Barzoon. Hah! Oh, I nursed him through two divorces, a cocaine rehab, and a pregnant receptionist. Heh. God's creature, right? God's special creature? Hah! And I've warned him Kevin, I've warned him every step of the way. Watching him bounce around like a fucking game, like a windup toy! Like 250 pounds of self serving greed on wheels. The next thousand years is right around the corner, Kevin, and Eddie Barzoon-take a good look, because he's the poster child for the next millennium! These people, it's no mystery where they come from. You sharpen the human appetite to the point where it can split atoms with its desire, you build egos the size of cathedrals, fiber-optically connect the world to every eager impulse, grease even the dullest dreams with these dollar-green, gold plated fantasies until every human becomes an aspiring emperor, becomes his own god, and where can you go from there? And as we're scrambling from one deal to the next, who's got his eye on the planet? As the air thickens, the water sours, and even the bees honey takes on the metallic taste of radioactivity. And it just keeps coming, faster and faster. There's no chance to think, to prepare. It's buy futures, sell futures, when there is no future! We got a runaway train boy, we got a billion Eddie Barzoons all jogging into the future. Every one of 'em getting ready to fist-fuck god's ex-planet, lick their fingers clean as they reach out toward their pristine, cybernetic keyboards to total up their billable hours. And then it hits home! You gotta pay your own way, Eddie. It's a little late in the game to buy out now! Your belly's too full, your dick is sore, your eyes are bloodshot, and you're screaming for someone to help! But guess what? There's no one there! You're all alone, Eddie. You're god's special little creature. Maybe it's true, maybe god threw the dice once too often. Maybe he let us all down.
John Milton: Freedom, baby... is never having to say you're sorry.
John Milton: Guilt is like a bag of fuckin' bricks. All ya gotta do is set it down.
Kevin Lomax: What are you?
John Milton: Oh, I have so many names...
Kevin Lomax: Satan.
John Milton: Call me Dad.
John Milton: [chanting in Latin] Diaboli virtus in lumbis est. Diaboli virtus in lumbis est.
[continues chant in English]
John Milton: The virtue of the devil is in his loins.
John Milton: Your vanity is justified, Kevin. Your seed, is the key to a new future. Your son is gonna sit at the head of all tables, my boy. He's gonna set this hold thing free.
Kevin Lomax: You want a child?
John Milton: I want a family.
Kevin Lomax: The Anti-Christ?
John Milton: [laughing] Whatever...
John Milton: There's this beautiful girl just fucked me forty ways from Sunday... we're done, she's walking to the bathroom, she's trying to walk, she turns... she looks... it's me. Not the Trojan army just fucked her. Little ol' me. She has this look on her face like: "How the hell did that happen?"
Alice Lomax: Let me tell you about New York.
Kevin Lomax: Let me guess.
Alice Lomax: Fallen, fallen, is Babylon the great. It has become a dwelling place of demons." Revelation 18. Wouldn't hurt you to look it over.
Kevin Lomax: Couldn't forget it if I tried.
Alice Lomax: Oh, really? And what *happened* to Babylon?
John Milton: I'm the hand up Mona Lisa's skirt. I'm a surprise, Kevin. They don't see me coming: that's what you're missing.
John Milton: It's your wife, man. She's sick, she needs you... she's got to come first. Ah, wait a minute, wait a minute. You mean the possibility of leaving this case has never even entered you mind?
Kevin Lomax: You know what scares me? I quit the case, she gets better... and I hate her for it. I don't want to resent her, John, I've got a winner here. I've got to nail this fucker down, do it fast, and put it behind me. Just get it done. Then - then. - put all my energy into her.
John Milton: I stand corrected.
Kevin Lomax: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I know you've spent all morning listening to Mr. Broygo talk; I know you're hungry; what I need to tell you won't take very long at all. I don't like Alexander Cullen. I don't think he's a nice person. I don't expect you to like him. He's been a terrible husband to all three of his wives; he's been a destructive force in the lives of his stepchildren; he's cheated the city, his partners, his employees. He's paid hundreds of thousands of dollas in penalties and fines over the years. I don't like him. I'm going to tell you some things during the course of this trial that are going to make you like him even less. But this isn't a popularity contest; it's a murder trial.
Kevin Lomax: In the Bible you lose. We're destined to lose dad.
John Milton: Well consider the source son.
John Milton: That day on the subway, what did I say to you? What were my words to you? Maybe it was your time to lose. You didn't think so.
Kevin Lomax: [raging] Lose? I don't lose! I win! I win! I'm a lawyer! That's my job, that's what I do!
John Milton: I rest my case.
John Milton: Law is the ultimate backstage pass. There are now more students in law schools than lawyers walking the streets.
John Milton: A woman's shoulders are the front lines of her mystique, and her neck, if she's alive, has all the mystery of a border town. A no-man's land in that battle between the mind and the body.
Kevin Lomax: Walter, as your lawyer I'm advising you to stay the fuck away from me.
Mary Ann Lomax: Say I can handle it.
Kevin Lomax: You can handle it.
Mary Ann Lomax: Say something nice.
Kevin Lomax: Something nice.
Mrs. Jackie Heath: Look, you've got three choices - the Holy Trinity: you can work, you can play, or you can breed.
John Milton: Maricela, ¿su esposa? El momento que saliste del apartamento, ella estaba arriba con Carlos. Mira, amigo, están a la pipa fumando crack. Están en la cocina compartiendo un "jumbo", y después, en tu misma cama, él se la va a meter por el culo. Y a ella le va a gustar, en tu cama verde especial.
Big Guy #1: ¿Cómo? How the fuck you know?
John Milton: Sal de mi vista y pon ese cuchillo donde merece. Enjoy yourself. You still got time. There's a train coming the other way, you'll just catch her. You'll thank me in the morning.
Big Guy #1: Hope you're right, man.
John Milton: Oh I'm right. You'll see.
Mary Ann Lomax: I know we've got all this money, and it's supposed to be OK, but it's not.
John Milton: And as we're straddling from one deal to the next, who's got his eye on the planet, as the air thickens, the water sours, and even the bees' honey takes on the metallic taste of radioactivity? And it just keeps coming, faster and faster. There's no chance to think, to prepare; it's buy futures, sell futures, when there is no future.
Kevin Lomax: God dammit, what did you do to my wife?
John Milton: Well, on a scale of one to ten... ten being the most depraved act of sexual theatre know to man... one being your average Friday night run-through at the Lomaxes' household... I'd say, not to be immodest, Mary Ann and I got it on at about...
[counts on his fingers]
John Milton: ... seven.
Eddie Barzoon: Did you get my message?
John Milton: Yeah Eddie, you write beautiful!
John Milton: So... have we been treating you well?
Kevin Lomax: Very well, thank you.
John Milton: And your wife? She had a good time?
Kevin Lomax: She sure has, it's been great. The whole thing's been great.
John Milton: That's our secret. Kill you with kindness.
Christabella Andreoli: Hey. In two minutes, you won't be thinking about Mary Ann ever again. Come here.
John Milton: She's right, my son.
[Milton lays a nuded Christabella on the altar]
John Milton: It's time to step up and take what's yours.
Kevin Lomax: You're right. It's time. Free will, right?
[Chuckles, then shoots himself in the head]
John Milton: [Screaming] No! NOOOOOOO!
John Milton: Now with this? Now that you're down? I'd get ready for one of those, Class-A, New York-style pigfucks.
Mary Ann Lomax: I told Kevin, the only thing worse than not having a father was having mine.
John Milton: I can relate.
Florida Prosecutor: Go on, Barbara.
Barbara: We go back to our homeroom for dismissal. Unless you have a pass for sports or somethin'.
Florida Prosecutor: And is that what you did on the day in question?
Barbara: No. Mr. Gettys asked me to stay after class.