Blues Brothers 2000 (1998)
Elwood Blues: Seeing as we're kinda like step-brothers, I thought maybe you could help me out.
Cab Chamberlain: How could I do that?
Elwood Blues: I need $500 for this car, see? And I thought maybe you could, you know, loan me the money... OR...
Cab Chamberlain: "OR" what?
Elwood Blues: I'm thinking of putting the band back together. Maybe you could join us.
Cab Chamberlain: I'm a commander in the Illinois State Police, and I enjoy my job. You *waltz* in here telling me I have a dead, white criminal brother, who was in a band which, the last time they played anywhere, were charged with
[looks to computer screen]
Cab Chamberlain: grand larceny, wreckless endangerment,
[raises his voice getting louder]
Cab Chamberlain: felonious motor vehicle assault, over SEVEN HUNDRED violations of the highway traffic act and DAMAGES, both public and private, IN EXCESS OF $24,000,000 and *YOU* ARE ASKING *ME* IF I WANT TO JOIN THIS BAND?
Elwood Blues: [nonchalantly] I could show you all the moves.
Cab Chamberlain: GET THE HELL OUT OF MY OFFICE RIGHT NOW!
Elwood Blues: [stands up and opens his arms] I think you need a hug.
Elwood Blues: [addressing the rest if the band] You may go if you wish. But remember this: walk away now and you walk away from your crafts, your skills, your vocations; leaving the next generation with nothing but recycled, digitally-sampled techno-grooves, quasi-synth rhythms, pseudo-songs of violence-laden gangsta-rap, acid pop, and simpering, saccharine, soulless slush. Depart now and you forever separate yourselves from the vital American legacies of Robert Johnson, Muddy Waters, Willie Dixon, Jimmy Reed, Memphis Slim, Blind Boy Fuller, Louie Jordon, Little Walter, Big Walter, Sonnyboy Williamson I and II, Otis Redding, Jackie Wilson, Elvis Presley, Lieber and Stoller, and Robert K. Weiss.
Donald "Duck" Dunn: Who is Robert K. Weiss?
[the rest of the band shrug]
Elwood Blues: Turn your backs now and you snuff out the fragile candles of Blues, R&B and Soul, and when those flames flicker and expire, the light of the world is extinguished because the music which has moved mankind through seven decades leading to the millennium will whither and die on the vine of abandonment and neglect.
[he walks off, followed by Buster, Mack and then the rest of the band]
Mighty Mack: Elwood, they have automatic weapons.
Elwood Blues: Look in the glove compartment.
Mighty Mack: Carpet Tacks! They have guns and we have carpet tacks.
Elwood Blues: They're not carpet tacks. They're dry-wall nails.
Elwood Blues: [while the Russian's are at the burial sight of a loved one, Elwood is trying to get Mr. Fabulous, who has now become a funeral director, to rejoin the band]
Elwood Blues: Hey, Mr. Fabulous, what time you want us to come back and grab the rings and watch off the corpse?
Mighty Mack: [Russians at the funeral begin to talk amongst themselves in Russian]
Mighty Mack: And what about the deal with the medical college for his dick!
Mr. Fabulous: [the Russians begin to yell, get out their weapons, and shoot at them] ... We're dead now.
[Elwood, Mack, Buster, and Mr. Fabulous run to the Bluesmobile and drive away]
Elwood Blues: The Lord works in mysterious ways.
Russian Gang Boss: They broke my Watch!
Mother Mary Stigmata: Before Curtis came to us at St. Helen of the Blessed Shroud he had a musical group that toured the joints of the Mid West. In one town Curtis had an affair... with a married woman.
Elwood Blues: Go Curtis!
[Mother Mary Stigmata hits him]
Elwood Blues: I mean... that's terrible.
Mother Mary Stigmata: That's what I thought you meant.
Buster Blues: Smells like dog shit in here.
Elwood Blues: Don't say shit kid.
Buster Blues: [Buster puts a cigarette in his mouth and prepares to light it, but Elwood throws the items out of the car window]
Elwood Blues: You don't need that shit kid.
Buster Blues: You're not the Elwood Blues I know. The Elwood Blues I know once said that no pharmaceutical product could ever equal the rush you get when the band hits that groove; the people are dancin', and shoutin', and swayin'; and the house is rockin'!
Elwood Blues: Yeah, that was me.
Buster Blues: The music, man. You know you miss the music.
Elwood Blues: We've got to get off this road. They've called ahead by now and you can't outrun a Motorola.
Elwood Blues: Stay away from drugs, gangs, and cyberporn on the Internet and you can be President of the United States some day.
Queen Mousette: You wish to enter the Battle of the Bands contest.
Mighty Mack: We wish to win first prize!
Robertson: That's the International Jewish Communist conspiracy in action, people!
Robertson: Now y'all might think we're just a group of sad, sorry, sumbitches out here in a field jerkin' each other off... Or you might just think... that we know somethin'.
[Group of soldiers nod in agreement]
Robertson: I'm gonna tell you somethin' else. The federal government has a computer. Now this computer is wired to a computer in Jerusalem
Robertson: and Moscow!
Another Soldier: [interrupting] There's something in the river, Mr. Robertson.
Another Soldier: I saw something. Underneath the water, sir.
Robertson: Son... it's okay to be nervous, okay? Uh... there's enough explosives in that boat to blow up every post office in this country, you know? But no one knows we're here, no one knows our plans.
Mighty Mack: [the Bluesmobile comes up out of the water, bringing with it their boat, which rests on top of the car] Hey, yous guys havin' a picnic?
Robertson: [the soldiers cock their weapons and point them at the Bluesmobile] Don't shoot, you might hit the boat!
Elwood Blues: [Looking around] What boat?
Robertson: That's the International Jewish Communist Conspiracy in action, people! One of their spy satellite's must have picked up our location... KILL THEM!
[the soldiers open fire on the Bluesmobile with the boat on top of it, but as the car drives away, it hits a divot which causes the boat to be thrown up into the air... It regretably lands on Robertson]
Malvern: The Blues Brothers Band! Hmph!
Dr. John: Bunch a wanna be players
Stevie Winwood: How good can a mess like that sound any way?
Elwood Blues: [after the Louisiana Gator Boys won the Battle of the bands and everything has calmed down] Would you fellas care to jam?
Malvern Gasperon: What you think, Eric?
Eric Clapton: Why not?
Malvern Gasperon: One, two, One two three four!
[the Blues Brothers and the Louisiana Gator Boys play "New Orleans"]
Mother Mary Stigmata: Elwood, say hello to Buster.
Elwood Blues: [not interested] Hi, how ya doin'.
Mother Mary Stigmata: Buster, say hello to Elwood.
Buster Blues: [same tone as Elwood] Hi, how you doin'.
Elwood Blues: Hey! This kid's a wise ass!
[gets thwacked over the head by Mother Mary Stigmata]
Elwood Blues: Ow, shit!
[Get's hit again]
Elwood Blues: I mean, uh... what a nice... kid.
Elwood Blues: Is there anything in particular you would like to hear this evening your highness?
Queen Mousette: Yes. Do something Caribbean.
Elwood Blues: Uh, ma'am, we're the Blues Brothers. We do blues, rhythm & blues, jazz, funk, soul. We can handle rock, pop, country, heavy metal, fusion, hip hop, rap, Motown, operetta, show tunes. In fact, we've even been called upon, on occasion, to do a polka! However Caribbean is a type of music, I regret to say, which has not been, is simply not, nor will ever be a part of this band's repertoire.
'Blue Lou' Marini: [after Elwood's speech about their musical craft, and everyone else walks away] You cats go ahead! I'll get the gas.
Mighty Mack: The suit's real neat, but do I have to wear the hat?
Elwood Blues: These are unsophisticated men. They only respond to fear and the draw of lucre. We elicit this by using iconographic symbols, and psychological intimidation. The way we look together presents a uniform image of strength and organization. Don't say anything. Look mean. No smiling.
'Blue Lou' Marini: [Matt's wife is returning from lunch and Elwood is still there] Uh-Oh, Matt she's back from lunch!
[Fear is in Elwood, Matt and Blue Lou's eyes]
Mrs. Murphy: Elwood!
Elwood Blues: [Looks down afraid to look at her] Yes, ma'am.
Mrs. Murphy: Sorry to hear about Jake.
Mrs. Murphy: [Giving in to Matt, Elwood and Blue Lou] Go ahead! I know you wanna go.
Elwood Blues: Let's go!
Mrs. Murphy: Elwood!
Mrs. Murphy: Can you boys please try to stay out of trouble?
[He glances at the camera with a sly look]
'Bones' Malone: [to Donald Duck Dunn and Steve the Col. Cropper] Guys this caller sounds familiar.
Steve 'The Colonel' Cropper: [Elwood starts talking about their topic which is two time criminals getting severely punished] Elwood Blues, nowhere to run.
Donald "Duck" Dunn: Nowhere to hide!