Quotes

Donny: Phone's ringing, Dude.

The Dude: Thank you, Donny.

Walter Sobchak: When we make the handoff, I double back, grab one of 'em and beat it out of him! Huh?

The Dude: That's a great plan, Walter. That's fuckin' ingenious, if I understand it correctly. It's a Swiss fuckin' watch.

The Dude: Fuck sympathy! I don't need your fuckin' sympathy, man, I need my fucking johnson!

Donny: What do you need that for, Dude?

Walter Sobchak: You want a toe? I can get you a toe, believe me. There are ways, Dude. You don't wanna know about it, believe me.

The Dude: Yeah, but Walter...

Walter Sobchak: Hell, I can get you a toe by 3 o'clock this afternoon... with nail polish. These fucking amateurs...

Walter Sobchak: I'm saying, I see what you're getting at, Dude, he kept the money. My point is, here we are, it's shabbas, the sabbath, which I'm allowed to break only if it's a matter of life or death...

The Dude: Will you come off it, Walter? You're not even fucking Jewish, man.

Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talkin' about?

The Dude: Man, you're fucking Polish Catholic...

Walter Sobchak: What the fuck are you talking about? I converted when I married Cynthia! Come on, Dude!

The Dude: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

Walter Sobchak: And you know this!

The Dude: Yeah, and five fucking years ago you were divorced.

Walter Sobchak: So what are you saying? When you get divorced you turn in your library card? You get a new license? You stop being Jewish?

The Dude: It's all a part of your sick Cynthia thing, man. Taking care of her fucking dog. Going to her fucking synagogue. You're living in the fucking past.

Walter Sobchak: Three thousand years of beautiful tradition, from Moses to Sandy Koufax...

[shouting]

Walter Sobchak: You're goddamn right I'm living in the fucking past!

The Dude: Also, my rug was stolen.

Younger Cop: The rug was in the car?

The Dude: No. It was here.

Younger Cop: [eager] Oh, separate incidents.

Maude Lebowski: [on answering machine] Jeffrey, this is Maude Lebowski. I need to see you. I'm the one who took your rug.

Younger Cop: Well. I guess we can close the file on that one.

Blond Treehorn Thug: [holding up a bowling ball] What the fuck is this?

The Dude: Obviously you're not a golfer.

Walter Sobchak: Nihilists! Fuck me. I mean, say what you like about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it's an ethos.

[the Dude, Walter, and Donny walk out of the bowling alley, to find the three Nihilists waiting in front of the Dude's car, which has been torched]

The Dude: Well, they finally did it. They killed my fucking car.

Nihilist: Ve vant ze money, Lebowski.

Nihilist #2: Ja, uzzervize ve kill ze girl.

Nihilist #3: Ja, it seems you have forgotten our little deal, Lebowski.

The Dude: You don't HAVE the fucking girl, dipshits! We know you never did!

[the Nihilists, stunned, confer amongst themselves in German]

Donny: Are these the Nazis, Walter?

Walter Sobchak: No, Donny, these men are nihilists, there's nothing to be afraid of.

Nihilist: Ve don't care. Ve still vant ze money, Lebowski, or ve fuck you up.

Walter Sobchak: Fuck you. Fuck the three of you.

The Dude: Hey, cool it Walter.

Walter Sobchak: No, without a hostage, there is no ransom. That's what ransom is. Those are the fucking rules.

Nihilist #2: His girlfriend gave up her toe!

Nihilist #3: She though we'd be getting million dollars!

Nihilist #2: Iss not fair!

Walter Sobchak: Fair! WHO'S THE FUCKING NIHILIST HERE! WHAT ARE YOU, A BUNCH OF FUCKING CRYBABIES?

The Dude: Hey, cool it Walter. Look, pal, there never was any money. The big Lebowski gave me an empty briefcase, so take it up with him, man.

Walter Sobchak: And, I would like my undies back.

[Stunned, the Germans confer amongst themselves again]

Donny: Are they gonna hurt us, Walter?

Walter Sobchak: No, Donny. These men are cowards.

Nihilist: Okay. So we take ze money you haf on you, und ve calls it eefen.

Walter Sobchak: Fuck you.

The Dude: [repeated line by The Dude and others] That rug really tied the room together.

The Dude: Walter, ya know, it's Smokey, so his toe slipped over the line a little, big deal. It's just a game, man.

Walter Sobchak: Dude, this is a league game, this determines who enters the next round robin. Am I wrong? Am I wrong?

Smokey: Yeah, but I wasn't over. Gimme the marker Dude, I'm marking it 8.

Walter Sobchak: [pulls out a gun] Smokey, my friend, you are entering a world of pain.

The Dude: Walter...

Walter Sobchak: You mark that frame an 8, and you're entering a world of pain.

Smokey: I'm not...

Walter Sobchak: A world of pain.

Smokey: Dude, he's your partner...

Walter Sobchak: [shouting] Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one around here who gives a shit about the rules? Mark it zero!

The Dude: They're calling the cops, put the piece away.

Walter Sobchak: Mark it zero!

[points gun in Smokey's face]

The Dude: Walter...

Walter Sobchak: [shouting] You think I'm fucking around here? Mark it zero!

Smokey: All right, it's fucking zero. Are you happy, you crazy fuck?

Walter Sobchak: ...It's a league game, Smokey.

The Big Lebowski: They did not receive the money, you nitwit! They did not receive the money! Her life was in your hands!

Brandt: This is our concern, Dude.

The Dude: It's like what Lenin said... you look for the person who will benefit, and, uh, uh...

Donny: I am the walrus.

The Dude: You know what I'm trying to say...

Donny: I am the walrus.

Walter Sobchak: That fucking bitch...

The Dude: Oh yeah!

Donny: I am the walrus.

Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny! V.I. Lenin. Vladimir Ilyich Ulyanov!

Donny: What the fuck is he talking about, Dude?

The Dude: And, you know, he's got emotional problems, man.

Walter Sobchak: You mean... beyond pacifism?

Jesus Quintana: What's this day of rest shit? What's this bullshit? I don't fuckin' care! It don't matter to Jesus. But you're not foolin' me, man. You might fool the fucks in the league office, but you don't fool Jesus. This bush league psyche-out stuff. Laughable, man - ha ha! I would have fucked you in the ass Saturday. I fuck you in the ass next Wednesday instead. Wooo! You got a date Wednesday, baby!

The Dude: Fuckin' Quintana... that creep can roll, man.

Walter Sobchak: Yeah, but he's a pervert, Dude.

The Dude: Yeah.

Walter Sobchak: No, he's a sex offender. With a record. He served 6 months in Chino for exposing himself to an eight year old.

The Dude: Oh!

Walter Sobchak: When he moved to Hollywood he had to go door to door to tell everyone he was a pederast.

Donny: What's a... pederast, Walter?

Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny.

Jesus Quintana: Nobody fucks with the Jesus!

Walter Sobchak: Your wheel! At fifteen m-p-h I roll out! I double back, grab one of 'em and beat it out of him! The uzi!

The Dude: Uzi?

Walter Sobchak: You didn't think I was rolling out of here naked!

Walter Sobchak: Fuck it, Dude, let's go bowling.

The Dude: Jesus, man, can you change the station?

Cab Driver: Fuck you man! You don't like my fucking music, get your own fucking cab!

The Dude: I've had a...

Cab Driver: I pull over and kick your ass out, man!

The Dude:

• had a rough night, and I hate the fucking Eagles, man

Walter Sobchak: You have got to buck up, man. You cannot drag this negative energy in to the tournament!

The Dude: Fuck the tournament... Fuck YOU, Walter!

[pause]

Walter Sobchak: Fuck the tournament? All right, I can see you don't want to be cheered up here, Dude. Come on Donny, let's go get us a lane.

Tony the Chauffeur: So he says "My wife's a pain in the ass. She's always busting my friggin' agates. My daughter's married to a real loser bastard. And I got a rash so bad on my ass, I can't even sit down. But you know me. I can't complain."

The Dude: Fuckin' A, man. I got a rash, man.

Walter Sobchak: Fucking Germans. Nothing changes. Fucking Nazis.

Donny: They were Nazis, Dude?

Walter Sobchak: Oh, come on Donny, they were threatening castration! Are we gonna split hairs here? Am I wrong?

The Dude: Yeah, well. The Dude abides.

The Stranger: The Dude abides. I don't know about you but I take comfort in that. It's good knowin' he's out there. The Dude. Takin' 'er easy for all us sinners. Shoosh. I sure hope he makes the finals.

The Dude: Did you ever hear of "The Seattle Seven"?

Maude Lebowski: Mmm.

The Dude: That was me... and six other guys.

Walter Sobchak: Those rich fucks! This whole fucking thing... I did not watch my buddies die face down in the muck so that this fucking strumpet...

The Dude: I don't see any connection to Vietnam, Walter.

Walter Sobchak: Well, there isn't a literal connection, Dude.

The Dude: Walter, face it, there isn't any connection.

Walter Sobchak: I told that Kraut a fuckin' thousand times, I don't roll on shabbos!

Jackie Treehorn: Interactive erotic software. The wave of the future, Dude. One hundred percent electronic!

The Dude: Yeah well, I still jerk off manually.

Maude Lebowski: Does the female form make you uncomfortable, Mr. Lebowski?

The Dude: Uh, is that what this is a picture of?

Maude Lebowski: In a sense, yes. My art has been commended as being strongly vaginal which bothers some men. The word itself makes some men uncomfortable. Vagina.

The Dude: Oh yeah?

Maude Lebowski: Yes, they don't like hearing it and find it difficult to say whereas without batting an eye a man will refer to his dick or his rod or his Johnson.

The Dude: Johnson?

Walter Sobchak: Were you listening to The Dude's story, Donny?

The Dude: Walter...

Donny: What?

Walter Sobchak: Were you listening to The Dude's story?

Donny: I was bowling.

Walter Sobchak: So you have no frame of reference here, Donny. You're like a child who wanders into the middle of a movie and wants to know...

The Dude: (interrupting) Walter, Walter, what's the point, man?

Walter Sobchak: There's no reason - here's my point, dude, there's no fucking reason why these two...

Donny: Yeah, Walter, what's your point?

Walter Sobchak: OVER THE LINE!

Smokey: Huh?

Walter Sobchak: I'm sorry, Smokey. You were over the line, that's a foul.

Smokey: Bullshit. Mark it 8, Dude.

Walter Sobchak: Uh, excuse me. Mark it zero. Next frame.

Smokey: Bullshit, Walter. Mark it 8, Dude.

Walter Sobchak: Smokey, this is not 'Nam. This is bowling. There are rules.

Walter Sobchak: The man in the black pajamas, Dude. Worthy fuckin' adversary.

Donny: Who's in pajamas Walter?

Walter Sobchak: Shut the fuck up, Donny.

The Stranger: Darkness warshed over the Dude - darker'n a black steer's tookus on a moonless prairie night. There was no bottom.

Walter Sobchak: Now so far, we have what appears to me to be a series of victimless crimes.

The Dude: What about the toe?

Walter Sobchak: Forget about the fucking toe!

Coffee Shop Waitress: Excuse me, sir. Could you please keep your voices down? This is a family restaurant.

Walter Sobchak: Oh please, dear? For your information, the Supreme Court has roundly rejected prior restraint.

The Dude: Let me explain something to you. Um, I am not "Mr. Lebowski". You're Mr. Lebowski. I'm the Dude. So that's what you call me. You know, that or, uh, His Dudeness, or uh, Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing.

The Dude: My only hope is that the big Lebowski kills me before the Germans can cut my dick off.

Nihilist: We believe in nothing, Lebowski. Nothing. And tomorrow we come back and we cut off your chonson.

The Dude: Excuse me?

Nihilist: I said

[shouting]

Nihilist: We'll cut off your johnson!

Nihilist #2: Just think about that, Lebowski.

Nihilist: Yeah, your wiggly penis, Lebowski.

Nihilist #3: Yeah and maybe we stomp on it and squoosh it, Lebowski.

[being shown a picture Bunny's old farm home]

The Dude: Oh boy. How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm once they've seen Karl Hungus.

Younger Cop: And was there anything of value in the car?

The Dude: Oh, uh, yeah, uh... a tape deck, some Creedence tapes, and there was a, uh... uh, my briefcase.

Younger Cop: [expectant pause] In the briefcase?

The Dude: Uh, uh, papers, um, just papers, uh, you know, uh, my papers, business papers.

Younger Cop: And what do you do, sir?

The Dude: I'm unemployed.

Walter Sobchak: That's right, Dude, they peed on your fucking rug.

Walter Sobchak: Look at our current situation with that camel fucker over in Iraq. Pacifism is not something to hide behind.

The Big Lebowski: Are you employed, sir?

The Dude: Employed?

The Big Lebowski: You don't go out looking for a job dressed like that? On a weekday?

The Dude: Is this a... what day is this?

The Big Lebowski: Well, I do work sir, so if you don't mind...

The Dude: I do mind, the Dude minds. This will not stand, ya know, this aggression will not stand, man.

The Dude: Mr. Treehorn treats objects like women, man.

Malibu Police Chief: Mr. Treehorn draws a lot of water in this town. You don't draw shit, Lebowski. Now we got a nice, quiet little beach community here, and I aim to keep it nice and quiet. So let me make something plain. I don't like you sucking around, bothering our citizens, Lebowski. I don't like your jerk-off name. I don't like your jerk-off face. I don't like your jerk-off behavior, and I don't like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear?

The Dude: [after a pause] I'm sorry, I wasn't listening.

The Dude: This is the fuckin' guy! I can find this fuckin' Lebowski guy!

Donny: His name's Lebowski? That's your name, Dude!

The Dude: Who the fuck are you, man?

Knox Harrington: [giggles] Oh, just a friend of Maudie's.

The Dude: Yeah, a friend with a cleft asshole?

Walter Sobchak: Donny was a good bowler, and a good man. He was one of us. He was a man who loved the outdoors... and bowling, and as a surfer he explored the beaches of Southern California, from La Jolla to Leo Carrillo and... up to... Pismo. He died, like so many young men of his generation, he died before his time. In your wisdom, Lord, you took him, as you took so many bright flowering young men at Khe Sanh, at Langdok, at Hill 364. These young men gave their lives. And so would Donny. Donny, who loved bowling. And so, Theodore Donald Karabotsos, in accordance with what we think your dying wishes might well have been, we commit your final mortal remains to the bosom of the Pacific Ocean, which you loved so well. Good night, sweet prince.

[first lines]

The Stranger: [voiceover] Way out west there was this fella... fella I wanna tell ya about. Fella by the name of Jeff Lebowski. At least that was the handle his loving parents gave him, but he never had much use for it himself. Mr. Lebowski, he called himself "The Dude". Now, "Dude" - that's a name no one would self-apply where I come from. But then there was a lot about the Dude that didn't make a whole lot of sense. And a lot about where he lived, likewise. But then again, maybe that's why I found the place so darned interestin'. They call Los Angeles the "City Of Angels." I didn't find it to be that, exactly. But I'll allow there are some nice folks there. 'Course I can't say I've seen London, and I ain't never been to France. And I ain't never seen no queen in her damned undies, so the feller says. But I'll tell you what - after seeing Los Angeles, and this here story I'm about to unfold, well, I guess I seen somethin' every bit as stupefyin' as you'd see in any of them other places. And in English, too. So I can die with a smile on my face, without feelin' like the good Lord gypped me. Now this here story I'm about to unfold took place back in the early '90s - just about the time of our conflict with Sad'm and the I-raqis. I only mention it because sometimes there's a man... I won't say a hero, 'cause, what's a hero? But sometimes, there's a man. And I'm talkin' about the Dude here. Sometimes, there's a man, well, he's the man for his time and place. He fits right in there. And that's the Dude, in Los Angeles. And even if he's a lazy man - and the Dude was most certainly that. Quite possibly the laziest in Los Angeles County, which would place him high in the runnin' for laziest worldwide. But sometimes there's a man, sometimes, there's a man. Aw. I lost my train of thought here. But... aw, hell. I've done introduced him enough.

The Dude: Walter, I love you, but sooner or later, you're going to have to face the fact you're a goddamn moron.

The Dude: Just take it easy man.

Walter Sobchak: I'm perfectly calm Dude.

The Dude: [shouting] Yeah, waving the fucking gun around?

Walter Sobchak: Calmer than you are.

The Dude: Will you just take it easy?

Walter Sobchak: Calmer than you are.

The Dude: Oh, fuck me, man! That kid already spent all the money, man!

Walter Sobchak: New 'Vette? Hardly, Dude. I'd say he's still got about $960 - $970,000 left, depending on the options.

The Dude: I could be just sitting at home with pee stains on my rug.

The Dude: I only said I THOUGHT she kidnapped herself. You're the one who's so fucking certain!

Walter Sobchak: That's right, Dude. 100% certain.

The Dude: Look, nothing is fucked, here, man.

The Big Lebowski: Nothing is fucked?

[shouting]

The Big Lebowski: The god damn plane has crashed into the mountain!

Walter Sobchak: Is this your homework, Larry? Is this your homework, Larry?

The Dude: Look, man...

Walter Sobchak: Dude, please? Is this your homework, Larry?

The Dude: Just ask him about the car.

Walter Sobchak: Is this yours, Larry? Is this your homework, Larry?

The Dude: Is that your car out front?

Walter Sobchak: Is this your homework, Larry?

The Dude: We know it's his fucking homework! Where's the fucking money, you little brat?

Walter Sobchak: Look, Larry. Have you ever heard of Vietnam?

The Dude: Oh, for Christ's sake, Walter...

Walter Sobchak: You're entering a world of pain, son. We know that this is your homework. We know that you stole a car.

The Dude: And the fucking money.

Walter Sobchak: And the fucking money. And, we know that this is your homework.

The Dude: We're going to cut your dick off, Larry.

Walter Sobchak: You're killing your father, Larry!

Walter Sobchak: That's not her toe, Dude.

The Dude: Then whose toe is it, Walter?

Walter Sobchak: How the fuck should I know?

The Big Lebowski: Your revolution is over, Mr. Lebowski. Condolences. The bums lost. My advice is to do what your parents did; get a job, sir. The bums will always lose. Do you hear me, Lebowski?

[the Dude walks out and shuts the door]

The Big Lebowski: The bums will always lose!

Brandt: How was your meeting, Mr. Lebowski?

The Dude: Okay. The old man told me to take any rug in the house.

Da Fino: Well maybe you and me could pool our resources, you know, trade information? Professional courtesy? Compeers, you know?

The Dude: Yeah, yeah, I get it, fuck off Da Fino. And stay away from my special - from my fucking lady friend, man!

Maude Lebowski: Now, what happened to your face? Did Jackie Treehorn do that as well?

The Dude: Ah, no that was the chief of police of Malibu. A real reactionary.

The Dude: Your money is being held by a kid named Larry Sellers. Real fucking brat, but I'm sure your goons can get it off him. I mean, he's fifteen.

[pause]

The Dude: Flunking social studies.

[the Dude has been drugged and is semi-conscious]

The Dude: So if you could just write me my check for ten percent of a half a million... five grand... I'll go out and mingle.

The Big Lebowski: I just want to understand this, sir. Every time a rug is micturated upon in this fair city, I have to compensate the owner?

Brandt: [the Dude is leaving after his first meeting with Lebowski] Well, enjoy. And perhaps we'll see you again some time, Dude.

The Dude: Yeah, sure, if I'm... in the neighborhood and I, uh... gotta use the john.

Jackie Treehorn: Refill?

The Dude: Does the Pope shit in the woods?

Brandt: You never went to college...

The Dude: Oh, no I did, but I spent most of my time occupying various administration buildings... smoking a lot of thai stick... breaking into the ROTC... and bowling. To tell you the truth Brandt, I don't remember most of it.

Walter Sobchak: [looking at his hero writer Digby Sellers in an iron lung] Does he still write?

Pilar, Sellers' Housekeeper: Oh no no, he has health problems.

The Big Lebowski: Did I urinate on your rug?

The Dude: You mean, did you personally come and pee on my rug?

The Big Lebowski: Do you speak English sir? Parla usted Inglese?

Donny: I'm throwing rocks tonight. Mark it, Dude.

Knox Harrington: So you're Lebowski. Maudie's told me all about you. She'll be back in a moment, sit down. Would you like a drink?

The Dude: [as he sits down] Uh, yeah. White Russian?

Knox Harrington: The bar's over there.

The Big Lebowski: Are you surprised at my tears, sir?

The Dude: [Smoking a joint] Dude, fuckin' A!

The Big Lebowski: Strong men also cry... strong men also cry.

Walter Sobchak: Fifteen, Dude. This is it. Let's take that hill!

The Dude: Hey, no, come on, Walter. We're ending this thing cheap, man.

Walter Sobchak: No, what's mine is mine.

Nihilist: No funny shtuff.

The Dude: Alright, alright, I've got four dollars, almost five...

Donny: Hey, I got eighteen dollars.

Walter Sobchak: What's mine is mine.

Nihilist: We fuck you ups, man. We takes the money.

Walter Sobchak: Come and get it.

Walter Sobchak: Call the medics, Dude. I'd go myself but I'm pumping blood. Might pass out. Rest easy, good buddy, you're doing fine. We got help choppering in.

Brandt: Her life is in your hands.

The Dude: Man, don't say that, man.

Brandt: Mr. Lebowski asked me to repeat that: her life is in your hands.

The Dude: Oh, shit, man.

Brandt: Her life is in your hands, Dude.

Walter Sobchak: The little prick is stonewalling me.

[singing while semi-conscious in the back of a police car]

The Dude: He was innocent, not a charge was true, and they say he ran away... Branded!

Walter Sobchak: Nothing is fucked here Dude. Nothing is fucked. They're a bunch of fucking amateurs!

The Dude: Walter, would you just shut the fuck... don't say a peep while I'm doing business here, man!

Walter Sobchak: Okay Dude. Have it your way.

[the Dude answers the phone]

Walter Sobchak: But they're amateurs.

Walter Sobchak: That rug really tied the room together, did it not?

The Dude: Fuckin' A.

Donny: And this guy peed on it.

Walter Sobchak: Donny, please.

Woo, Treehorn Thug: Ever thus to deadbeats, Lebowski.

[urinates on The Dude's rug]

The Dude: Oh, man, don't do that. Not on the rug, man.

Woo, Treehorn Thug: You see what happens? You see what happens, Lebowski?

Blond Treehorn Thug: [holding a bowling ball] What the fuck is this?

The Dude: Obviously, you're not a golfer.

The Dude: Mr. Treehorn treats objects like women, man.

The Dude: Who the fuck is Arthur Digby Sellers?