Beverly Hills Ninja (1997)
Haru: I have traveled many miles and now have come disguised as a pimp to help you.
Haru: Hey, you hear the one about the lady who backed into a fan? It was a disaster. "Dis-assed" her.
Haru: [Joey is chasing a chicken] Keep practicing, Joey, and someday you will choke that chicken.
Sensei: I tried to stop this mission because I feared for you, but I was wrong. You must continue. Go forth. It is your duty as a ninja!
Haru: Sensei, you just called me a ninja.
Sensei: Yes, I guess I did.
Haru: Do not worry. A ninja knows when he is in danger.
[Tanley and his men fire machine guns at them]
Haru: Now we are in danger. We are really in danger.
Haru: I may not be a great ninja; I may not be one with the universe; but I will say this: NO ONE MESSES WITH MY BROTHER.
Haru: I am one with the universe. I am one with the universe.
[Sees a stripper]
Haru: NO I AM NOT ONE WITH THE UNIVERSE!
Allison: Our car broke down, could we use the phone?
Chet Walters: Oh, car trouble? Don't get me started. I got a 1975 Fairmont that's as hard to turn over as me on Laguna Beach.
Sensei: Twenty five years ago, an ancient legend of this sacred art came alive. It spoke of a foreign child who would come among us and become a Ninja master unlike any other. How he arrived on our shores will forever remain a mystery. We Ninjas thought that this child would be the great white Ninja of the legend. We were wrong. We were very wrong.
Joey: Do you know what I do everyday once I leave here?
Haru: No, what?
Joey: I'm running. I'm always running, man. My neighborhood's bad, Man, I gotta run to get cigarettes, I gotta run to get milk, I gotta run to take out the trash. Know why? Because whenever I leave my house, there's somebody out there just waiting to kick my ass.
Haru: The blackness of my belt is like the inside of a coffin on a moonless night.
Joey: That's pretty black, Man.
Haru: It is a black art, and I, Haru, am the blackest of the black. Or rather the great white black art... Blackest... Master.
Haru: I am sure you would like to know who I am and what I do, but as part of my creed, I cannot tell you. See my identity must remain mysterious and my mission secret, I cannot reveal it to you.
Billy: Why not?
Haru: Because I would then have to kill you.
[runs to his dad, frightened]
Billy: Daddy, he said he's gonna kill me!
Billy's Dad: [to Haru] What'd you say to my kid?
Haru: I was merely relaying to him...
[Billy's Dad punches him in the face]
[Sensei asks Gobei to be honest to him when asking about Haru]
Gobei: I love my little brother. His determination is like a tiger, swift as a...
Gobei: He's fat. He's a fool. He's an embarassment to all ninjas everywhere.
Haru: Okey dokey, lets see what we got baking in the oven. Yeah, ya, ya, ya, ya. Not yet a match. Ok well, it looks like we are about one degree Celsius off on that ah magenta color. What I can do is quantify the 7F reading. To me they're just a little bit off, what I can do on that is run a pap smear, and that should even it out.
Haru: Oh I see you got the R2347ST Printing press. This thing came out the same time I was printing leaflets for the Shave the Whales Foundation.
Martin Tanley: You mean Save the Whales.
Haru: Oh is that what you did with them, maybe it was starve the whales, starve the whales.
Haru: Sensei, she is incapable of such things. She is as lovely as a dove.
Sensei: It sounds to me you are being lead around by your short sword.
Sensei: You must stop comparing yourself to Gobei!
Haru: But why, master? He is the best ninja.
Sensei: We would all be fortunate to have a heart as big as yours, Haru.
Haru: Haru, you are truly the Great White Ninja.
[Haru laughs, turns around, and sees Tanley's men staring at him with their arms folded]
Haru: Did I say "ninja"? I meant "ninny". Haru, you are such a ninny.
Haru: You may subject me to any torture you can think of, but a ninja does not talk!
Martin Tanley: Ninja? You're a ninja? You're the big fat ninja everyone's talking about, aren't you?
Haru: Great White Ninja.
Haru: Sensei, believe me, this woman's telling the truth.
Sensei: Haru, you're unable to tell truth from untruth.
Haru: That is impossible. My ninja intuition tells me this!
Sensei: Haru, you do not have ninja intuition! You do not even have NORMAL intuition!
Desk Manager: 73 minutes to deliver two suitcases and one garment bag. Do you have an explanation, Mr. Washington?
Joey: Yes sir, I seem to be developing tunnel carpel syndrome in my wrist. I believe it's from carrying really heavy garment bags around. Now, I don't want to go on disability, and sue this company for millions of dollars, so I figured I would just pace myself.
Desk Manager: Mr. Washington, everything you do... irritates me.
Joey: I'm gonna go soak my wrists.
Desk Manager: Can I help you sir?
Haru: Yes, I am looking for a Sally Jones.
Desk Manager: I'm sorry, I don't see anyone by that name in my computer, now if you will excuse me.
Haru: I would like to rent one of your lodgings. Is the cost great?
Desk Manager: Compared to what? A hut and a rice patty? Sir, we are a five star hotel, with 800 rooms, booked six months in advance.
Haru: I have money.
Desk Manager: I'm sure you do. Unfortunately, we don't take Wampum.
Haru: Do you perhaps take gold?
[pours out about 15 pieces of gold]
Desk Manager: Front! Perhaps I shall send Dom Perignon to your room?
Haru: I prefer to be alone tonight. Perhaps later I will meet your friend Don.
Desk Manager: [to Joey] 1A.
Joey: 1A. Ooww, my wrists. What have you got in here man, car radios?
Allison: [walks in and stands in the Dojo doorway] Hello?
[jumps and the Bo staff in Harus hands flies across the room]
Allison: Is this the Takagura Dojo?
Haru: UUHH? Yyaa... I uummm...
Allison: Maybe I should come back later.
Haru: No wait, don't go, I mean... Yes this is the Takagura Dojo. Please come in and have a seat. I am Haru. Wait!
[stops her from sitting on a pair of throwing stars, throws them behind him and hits a target with perfect aim]
Allison: That's impressive. I am in need of a ninja, but you seem to be white.
Haru: Aaahhh. You are observant, as well as beautiful. Have you not heard about the legend about the foreign child who will grow up to be the great white ninja?
Allison: why no, is that you?
Haru: Some... say it is so. You see it is written in the holy writ, see it says here, a century shall pass, and then OOHHH! this is the wrong writ, this is the one about the Sensei and two 12 year old twin Geishias, also a good legend, but not the one we are looking for...
[scrolls further down]
Haru: aahhh, here is my legend, it says here, that a forgein child will come to our village and learn the ways of the ninja.
Allison: It's burning.
Haru: Yes, the words have been seared into my heart as well.
Allison: No, it's really burning!
Haru: Yes I can tell,
[looks over at the rest of the parchment and sees it burning]
Haru: Oh my God!
[puts out the fire]
Haru: They may have a second copy. Let me show you a ample of my skills.
[pulls on the sword rack and all the weapons fall down]
Haru: That rack, was not build by ninjas. These however were.
[starts swinging a 3 section staff around and nearly hits the shelves holding ashes of fallen ninjas]
Haru: Wow! Luck is with me today, for this shrine holds the ashes of our fallen warriors
[the shelves colapse]
Haru: Oh! Sensei is going to kill me.
[picking up pictures and identifying them]
Haru: Takguri. Master Goe
[picks up ashes]
Haru: Sempo? Kai?
[combines the ashes]
Haru: At least they all worked as a team.
Allison: This is excellent, because the job I ask requires great stealth.
Haru: Aahh, my highest score where in stealth, let me give you an example, turn around, close your eyes and count to 9, when you open them I will be gone.
Allison: Ok. 1. 2. 3.
[Haru runs around and hides behind a support beam]
Allison: 4. 5. 6.
[runs over to a lamp and tries to hide under the shade]
Allison: 7. 8. 9.
[when Allison reaches 9 Haru has jumped through a rice paper door and outside]
Allison: Haru? Haru?
Haru: Here I am, Sally Jones, I will accept your dangerous mission.