Lt. Brutus: Mr. Bean, are you presently on any kind of medication?
Mr. Bean: Not that I know of.
Lt. Brutus: You certainly could use some.
Mr. Bean: Hello, I'm Dr. Bean. Apparently. And my job is to sit and look at paintings. So, what have I learned that I can say about this painting? Well, firstly, it's quite big, which is excellent. If it were very small, microscopic, then hardly anyone would be able to see it. Which would be a shame. Secondly, and I'm getting quite near the end of this... analysis, secondly, why was it worth this man spending fifty million of your American dollars? And the answer to that is, that it's a picture of Whistler's mother. And as I've learned, staying with my best friend David Langley and his family, families are very important. Even though Mr. Whistler was obviously aware that his mother was a hideous old bat who looked like she'd had a cactus lodged up her backside, he stuck with her, and even took the time to paint this amazing picture of her. And that's marvellous. It's not just a painting. It's a picture of a mad old cow who he thought the world of. Well that's what I think.
David Langley: Well sir, an unorthodox start; but I never expected things with a man of your calibre to be normal. I must confess I've never actually read any of your work. Tell me doctor, what exactly is your position at the gallery?
Mr. Bean: I sit in the corner... and look at the paintings.
David Langley: Ach! That is brilliant! If only more scholars would do that, not lecture and write and argue, but just sit and look at the paintings. Now that is brilliant.
General Newton: I don't know the difference between Picasso and a car crash.
[after seeing what Bean did to the painting]
David Langley: Oh Jesus! Oh God! Oh Jesus! Mary mother Jesus of Nazareth!
David Langley: Why am I worried about this? You did it! All I gotta do is go tell 'em what happened. But they'll say, "Who left him alone with the picture?" And I'll say, "Me". And they'll say, "You're fired" and I'll say, "Fine". They'll say, "No, no, no, firing's not good enough. Let's prosecute you for negligence". I go to jail, my wife leaves me, my daughter becomes a prostitute, I wind up on death row sharing a cell with Butch McDick!
David Langley: I've given my life to art and from here on in, the only art I will get anywhere near are the pictures I draw on the pavement hoping passersby will throw nickels in my hat. I guess the long on the short of it: I wish I'd never been born.
David Langley: Come on, everybody, it's gonna be great! Dr. Bean is a genius of the very highest order!
Lt. Brutus: He's a genius, huh?
David Langley: That's what they tell me.
Lt. Brutus: Well, he looks like a fruit cake to me.
David Langley: Doesn't it take, like, five hours?
Mr. Bean: ...not... necessarily
David Langley: I must admit, over the time you've been here, certain... suspicions have begun to gather in my mind. I'm going to be frank here... are you a doctor?
Mr. Bean: ummm...
David Langley: okay number two, do you know anything about art. I mean... let me see... was Leonardo Da Vinci a famous American basketball player?
David Langley: [Bean looks confused, David's face drops]
Mr. Bean: ...yes
David Langley: ...I see
[brings his hand up to his face]
Mr. Bean: [at the virtual rollercoaster ride talking to David] Brace yourself!
Kevin Langley: I can't sleep. I can'e stop thinking about naked women. What about you?
Mr. Bean: Whistler's Mother.
Kevin Langley: Well, whatever turns you on!
Bernice Schimmel: I genuinely believe that we could get Jon Bon Jovi.
David Langley: Jon Bon Jovi? To unveil, "Whistler's Mother"?
Bernice Schimmel: Yes.
David Langley: I've got nothing against Jon Bon Jovi. The man has had two great hairstyles in the last ten years, which is an achievement not to be sniffed at. But so far as I know, Mr Jovi knows absolutely nothing about 19th-century Impressionism.
[the Langleys have a conference about Bean's arrival]
Jennifer Langley: [in sarcastic tone] You're kidding.
David Langley: Come on, it's gonna be great! Let's say there's a chart of the most intelligent people you've ever met in your lives. Well, at number one with the bullet is Doctor Bean.
Kevin Langley: Kevin, you know how sometimes you ask me questions that I can't answer.
Kevin Langley: Like "What is an intrauterine device"?
David Langley: I think more like "What's the meaning of life?"
Kevin Langley: I never asked you that.
David Langley: That's fine. It doesn't matter! What I'm saying here is that Doctor Bean is a very remarkable man.
David Langley: [to Jennifer] Hey, for all you know, he could be very cute.
[cuts to Bean standing in London raising his eyebrows at the camera]
David Langley: [cuts back to Jennifer]
Jennifer Langley: Come on, the guy's gonna be a creep. All Englishmen are ugly. I just look at Prince Charles and weep.
David Langley: Okay, so he's gonna look like meatloaf's butt.
Jennifer Langley: Yeah, and that's if we get lucky.
[Jennifer prepares to leave the room]
David Langley: Jennifer, no one is asking you to marry him!
Jennifer Langley: I don't know why we have these family conferences if Dad's already made up his mind.
Alison Langley: Perceptive child.
Kevin Langley: Hey, what's wrong with meatloaf's butt?
David Langley: [stands up and shouts loudly across the room] Oh, come on, everybody! It's gonna be great! Doctor Bean is a genius at the very highest orders!
[David and Bean are outside the exhibition room; David is miserable]
David Langley: Say, do you drink, Bean?
Mr. Bean: No.
David Langley: Good, neither do I.
[the two men head off to a bar]
[Mr Bean and David are walking home drunk]
[both scream loudly when they approach the front door to David's house to find David's wife, Alison already home]