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Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery (1997)
[first lines]
Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins.
Austin Powers: Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass deceased, ham sandwich.
Dr. Evil: Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes Mr. Powers? I designed them myself.
Dr. Evil: Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?
Austin Powers: Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later? How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first? You know, top and tails... whore's bath? Personally, before I'm on the job, I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a 'how's your father'!
Alotta Fagina: Some sake, Mr. Cunningham?
Austin Powers: Sake it to me baby!
Scott Evil: Well my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade in town, right, and they don't speak English there, so Jay got into a fight and he's all, "Hey quit hasslin' me cuz' I don't speak French" or whatever! And then the guy said something in Paris talk, and I'm like, "Just back off!" And they're all, "Get out!" And we're like, "Make me!" It was cool.
Scott Evil: It's no hassle...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: But...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: I'm...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: All I'm say...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: There gonna get a...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: I'm...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: I'm just...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: Would...
Dr. Evil: Sh!... Knock-knock.
Scott Evil: Who's there?
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: But...
Dr. Evil: Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it.
Austin Powers: I've been frozen for 30 years. I've got to see if my bits and pieces are still working.
Austin Powers: That ain't no woman! It's a man, man!
Vanessa Kensington: Mr. Powers, I would never have sex with you, ever! If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, and the future of the human race depended on our having sex, simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you.
Austin Powers: What's your point, Vanessa?
[last lines]
Austin Powers: what say, you, we go out on the down and swing, baby? Yea
Dr. Evil: Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to my underground Lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins, and yet, each of you has failed to kill Austin Powers. That makes me angry, and when Dr. Evil get angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, and when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset people DIE!
Dr. Evil: I'm gonna get you Austin Powers! It's fricken freezing in here Mr. Bigglesworth.
Austin Powers: She's the village bicycle! Everybody's had a ride.
Austin Powers: That's Dr. Evil's cat!
Vanessa Kensington: How can you tell?
Austin Powers: I never forget a pussy... cat.
[returning Austin's personal property after reanimating him]
Quartermaster Clerk: One Swedish-made penis enlarger.
Austin Powers: [to Vanessa] That's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
Quartermaster Clerk: One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby", by Austin Powers.
Vanessa Kensington: Look, I know I'm being neurotic, but I can't shake off this suspicious feeling about Miss Fagina. I don't want to sound paranoid, but I've had some bad relationships in the past, and I have been known to be jealous. I'm sorry.
Austin Powers: No, don't be sorry, baby. You're right to be suspicious. I shagged her.
Vanessa Kensington: What?
Austin Powers: I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah!
Vanessa Kensington: Did you used protection ?
Austin Powers: Of course. I had my 9mm automatic.
Vanessa Kensington: You know I meant, did you use a condom?
Austin Powers: No, only sailors wear condoms baby.
Vanessa Kensington: Not in the '90s Austin.
Austin Powers: Well they should, those filthy buggers. They go from port to port.
Austin Powers: Yeah, baby, yeah
Dr. Evil: The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.
Dr. Evil: Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers
Scott Evil: What? Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?
Dr. Evil: I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.
Dr. Evil: All right guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.
[guard starts dipping mechanism]
Dr. Evil: Close the tank!
Scott Evil: Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away!
Dr. Evil: No no no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?
Scott Evil: I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out!
Dr. Evil: Scott, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't.
[Dr. Evil has opened a trapdoor, sending Mustafa and several incompetent henchmen falling into a furnace, but Mustafa is still alive. A gunshot is heard]
Mustafa: You shot me!
[pause]
Mustafa: You shot me right in the arm!
[another gunshot]
Dr. Evil: Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called blackmail. The Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it seen that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage and therefore would have to divorce!
Number Two: Prince Charles *did* have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced.
Dr. Evil: Right, people you have to tell me these things, okay? I've been frozen for thirty years, okay? Throw me a frickin' bone here! I'm the boss! Need the info.
[pause]
Dr. Evil: Okay no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the 60's, I had a weather changing machine that was, in essence, a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." Using these "lasers," we punch a hole in the protective layer around the Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is unless the world pays us a hefty ransom.
Number Two: [pause] That also already has happened.
Dr. Evil: Shit. Oh hell, let's just do what we always do. Hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Yeah? Good! Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan. We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for... ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
Number Two: Don't you think we should ask for *more* than a million dollars? A million dollars isn't exactly a lot of money these days. Virtucon alone makes over 9 billion dollars a year!
Dr. Evil: Really? That's a lot of money.
[pause]
Dr. Evil: Okay then, we hold the world ransom for...
Dr. Evil: One... Hundred... BILLION DOLLARS!
[last lines]
Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins.
Scott Evil: I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet.
Dr. Evil: An evil vet?
Scott Evil: No! Maybe like work in a petting zoo.
Dr. Evil: An evil petting zoo?
Scott Evil: You always do that!
Scott Evil: I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.
Therapist: He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that.
Dr. Evil: No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily, like his old man.
Paddy O'Brien: They're always after me lucky charms.
[Dr. Evil and Frau Farbissina laugh]
Paddy O'Brien: What? Why does everyone always laugh when I say that? They *are* after me lucky charms! What!
Frau Farbissina: It's a television commercial. With this cartoon leprechaun, and all of these children are trying to chase him, "Hey, leprechaun, leprechaun man, we want to get your lucky charms." Oh! And there are these little tiny pieces of mashmallow just stuck right in the cereal. So when the kids eat them they think, "Oooh this is candy, I'm having fun!"
[filling out a form]
Austin Powers: Name? Austin Danger Powers. Sex? Yes please!
Austin Powers: Allow myself to introduce... myself!
[entering the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swingers' Club]
Austin Powers: This is my happening and it freaks me out!
[c.f. Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970)]
Austin Powers: Judo chop!
[Austin and Vanessa see a man decapitated]
Austin Powers: Not the time to lose one's head.
Vanessa Kensington: No.
Austin Powers: That's not the way to get ahead in life.
Vanessa Kensington: No.
Austin Powers: It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.
Vanessa Kensington: Hmm.
Austin Powers: He'll never be the head of a major corporation.
Vanessa Kensington: Okay, that'll do.
Austin Powers: Okay.
Vanessa Kensington: That's you in a nutshell.
Austin Powers: No, this is me in a nutshell: "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this bloody great big nutshell? What kind of shell has a nut like this?"
U.N. Representative: So, Mr. Evil...
Dr. Evil: It's Dr. Evil, I didn't spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called "mister," thank you very much.
Dr. Evil: You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?
Number Two: Sea Bass.
Dr. Evil: [pause] Right.
Number Two: They're mutated sea bass.
Dr. Evil: Are they ill tempered?
Number Two: Absolutely.
Dr. Evil: Oh well, that's a start.
Austin Powers: Au contraire baby, you can't resist me.
Austin Powers: That's not your mother, it's a man, baby!
Austin Powers: That really hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman!
Austin Powers: Actually, my name is Austin Powers. Danger is my middle name.
Austin Powers: Does that make you HORNY?
Austin Powers: Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby, yeah, do I?
Scott Evil: I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab!
Dr. Evil: Scott, that hurts daddy when you say that. Honestly.
Alotta Fagina: In Japan, men come first and women come second.
Austin Powers: Or sometimes not at all.
Dr. Evil: Begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism!
Basil Exposition: Austin, the Cold War is over!
Austin Powers: Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh comrades? Eh?
Basil Exposition: Austin... we won.
Austin Powers: Oh, smashing, groovy, yay capitalism!
Austin Powers: Allow myself to introduce... myself.
Basil Exposition: The Cold War's over.
Austin Powers: Ah, finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh, comrades? Eh?
Basil Exposition: Austin, we won.
Austin Powers: Oh, groovy, smashing. Yay capitalism!
Dr. Evil: I like to see girls of that... caliber.
[pause]
Dr. Evil: By "caliber," of course, I refer to both the size of their gun barrels and the high quality of their characters... Two meanings... caliber... it's a homonym... Forget it.
Austin Powers: I won't bite... hard.
Austin Powers: Hey! There you are!
Tourist: Hi... do I know you?
Austin Powers: No, but that's where you are! You're there!
Austin Powers: My god, Vanessa's got a fabulous body... I bet she shags like a minx... How do I let them know because of the unfreezing process, I have no inner monologue? I hope I didn't just say that all out loud just now.
Vanessa Kensington: Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimatize you to the nineties. You know, a lot's changed since 1967.
Austin Powers: No doubt, love, but as long as people are still having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound!
Austin Powers: Only two things scare me and one of them is nuclear war.
Basil Exposition: What's the other?
Austin Powers: Excuse me?
Basil Exposition: What's the other thing that scares you?
Austin Powers: Carnies. Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands.
Austin Powers: No, you're right to be suspicious! I shagged her!
Vanessa Kensington: What?
Austin Powers: I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah!
Dr. Evil: Finally, we come to my number two man. His name? Number Two.
Austin Powers: Well, no offense, but if that is a woman it looks like she was beaten with an ugly stick!
Austin Powers: I think you're shagedelic baby! You're switched on! You're smashing! You're shagadelic, baby!
Austin Powers: Smashing Baby! When this ship comes a' rockin', don't come a' knockin', baby!
Austin Powers: It's freedom, baby, yeah!
Dr. Evil: There's nothing as pathetic as an aging hipster.
Austin Powers: What exactly do you do, Mr. Number Two?
Number Two: That's my business. Now if you'll excuse, I have to go to the little boys' room.
Austin Powers: Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay. I mean, women loved him! I didn't see that one coming.
Cowboy: Whoo! That is one crazy get-up, mister... Are you in the show?
Austin Powers: No, actually, I'm English.
Cowboy: Oh... I'm sorry.
Austin Powers: Come again?
Alotta Fagina: Alotta Fagina
Austin Powers: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it, it sounds like you said your name was a lot of um... never mind!
Frau Farbissina: Remember when we froze your semen? You said that if it didn't look like you were coming back we should try to create an heir so a part of you would live forever?
Dr. Evil: Oh sure.
Frau Farbissina: Well, after a couple of years we got a little... impatient. Dr Evil, I would like you to meet your son.
Dr. Evil: My son?
Frau Farbissina: Ja. SCOTT!
[Scott enters]
Dr. Evil: Hello Scott.
Scott Evil: Hi.
Dr. Evil: I'm your father. Dr Evil.
Scott Evil: I haven't seen you my whole life and now you just show up and *expect* a relationship? I hate you. What?
Dr. Evil: Can I have a hug?
Scott Evil: No.
Dr. Evil: Give me a hug.
Scott Evil: No way.
Dr. Evil: Come on. Let's go. Pronto.
Scott Evil: What are you doing?
Dr. Evil: I'm with it. I'm hip. Well, don't look at me like I'm friggin' Frankenstein! Come here and give your father a hug.
Scott Evil: Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho!
[Dr. Evil runs after him with his arms out]
Dr. Evil: Hug, hug, hug.
Austin Powers: Wait Vanessa, I can explain. You see, I was looking for Dr. Evil when the Fembots came out and smoke started coming out of their jomblies. So I started to work my mojo, to counter their mojo; we got cross-mojulation, and their heads started exploding.
Casino Dealer: 17.
Number Two: Hit me.
Casino Dealer: You have 17, sir.
Number Two: I like to live dangerously.
Casino Dealer: [Hit for four] :21. Very good, sir.
[to Austin]
Casino Dealer: :5.
Austin Powers: I'll stay.
Casino Dealer: I suggest you hit, sir.
Austin Powers: I also like to live dangerously.
Casino Dealer: 20 beat your 5 sir. I'm sorry, sir.
Austin Powers: Well I must admit, cards aren't my bag, baby.
[Austin Powers is drowning a man in the toilet]
Austin Powers: Who does Number Two work for? Who does Number Two work for?
Cowboy: Yeah, that's it! You show that turd who's boss.
[Looking at the man that Austin Powers had drowned and left in the toilet]
Cowboy: Jesus Christ, boy! What did you eat?
Austin Powers: WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Basil Exposition: The shouting is a temporary side-effect of the unfreezing.
Austin Powers: Yes... I'm having difficulty controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE.
Dr. Evil: I demand the sum... OF 1 MILLION DOLLARS.
Dr. Evil: One more peep out of you and you're grounded Mister and I am not joking. Let's begin.
Alotta Fagina: How dare you break wind before me
Austin Powers: I'm sorry I didn't realize it was your turn
Austin Powers: [holding Scott hostage] It seems the tables have turned again, Dr. Evil.
Dr. Evil: Not really. Kill the little bastard, see if I care.
Scott Evil: But dad, we just had a breakthrough in group.
Dr. Evil: I had the group LIQUIDATED, you little shit! They were insolent!
Austin Powers: My name is Richie Cunningham, and this is my lovely wife, Oprah.
[Austin tries to resist to Fembots]
Austin Powers: [muttering] Baseball, cold showers, baseball, cold showers.
[One of the fembots stands over him and opens her legs]
Austin Powers: Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!
[Austin Powers sees a man sitting in the corner of the restroom]
Austin Powers: Excuse me, but you didn't happen to see...
[Austin looks at the man and sees that he is blind]
Austin Powers: ...anything at all.
Austin Powers: Pardon me for being rude. It was not me, it was my food. It just popped up to say hello, and now it's gone back down below.
Austin Powers: [has just farted in Alotta's hot tub] Pardon me for being rude, it was not me it was my food, it just popped up to say hello, but now it's gone back down below.
Austin Powers: Its time to swing, baby.
Frau Farbissina: Send in the FEMBOTS!
Easily Fooled Security Guard: [Hypnotized attempt at a British accent] I brought you your orange SHER-bert.
Dr. Evil: Son, wouldn't you like to see what daddy does for a living?
Scott Evil: Blow me.
Dr. Evil: What?
Scott Evil: Show me.
Therapist: We have some new-comers here today. Please say hello to Scott and his father Mr... Ev-ille?
Dr. Evil: Evil, Actually, Dr. Evil.
The Group: Hello, Scott. Hello, Dr. Evil.
Scott Evil: Hi, everybody.
Austin Powers: Dr. Evil, do you really expect them to pay?
Dr. Evil: No, Mr. Powers. I expect them to die.
Dr. Evil: This is Frau Frabissina, founder and leader of the militant wing of the Salvation Army.
Commander Gilmour: Oh my God, he's back.
Johnson Ritter: In many ways, Bob's Big Boy never left, sir. He's always offered the same high quality meals at competitive prices.
Austin Powers: Ooo, Behave!
Decapitated Henchman's Friend: Smiddy won't be coming tonight. His head was bitten off by a tank of ill-tempered mutated sea bass.
Number Two: Over the last thirty years, Virtucon has grown by leaps and bounds. About fifteen years ago, we changed from volatile chemicals to the communication industry. We own cable companies in thirty-eight states.
[the thirty-eight states illuminate on a map]
Number Two: In addition to our cable holdings, we own a steel mill in Cleveland.
[a steel mill miniature illuminates in Cleveland]
Number Two: Shipping in Texas.
[a ship off the coast of Texas illuminates]
Number Two: Oil refineries in Seattle.
[an oil refinery illuminates in Seattle]
Number Two: And a factory in Chicago that makes miniature models of factories.
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Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins.
Austin Powers: Jimi Hendrix deceased, drugs. Janis Joplin deceased, alcohol. Mama Cass deceased, ham sandwich.
Dr. Evil: Do you like your quasi-futuristic clothes Mr. Powers? I designed them myself.
Dr. Evil: Why must I be surrounded by frickin' idiots?
Austin Powers: Shall we shag now, or shall we shag later? How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first? You know, top and tails... whore's bath? Personally, before I'm on the job, I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a 'how's your father'!
Alotta Fagina: Some sake, Mr. Cunningham?
Austin Powers: Sake it to me baby!
Scott Evil: Well my friend Sweet Jay took me to that video arcade in town, right, and they don't speak English there, so Jay got into a fight and he's all, "Hey quit hasslin' me cuz' I don't speak French" or whatever! And then the guy said something in Paris talk, and I'm like, "Just back off!" And they're all, "Get out!" And we're like, "Make me!" It was cool.
Scott Evil: It's no hassle...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: But...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: I'm...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: All I'm say...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: There gonna get a...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: I'm...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: I'm just...
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: Would...
Dr. Evil: Sh!... Knock-knock.
Scott Evil: Who's there?
Dr. Evil: Sh!
Scott Evil: But...
Dr. Evil: Let me tell you a little story about a man named Sh! Sh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive "sh!" Now, I have a whole bag of "sh!" with your name on it.
Austin Powers: I've been frozen for 30 years. I've got to see if my bits and pieces are still working.
Austin Powers: That ain't no woman! It's a man, man!
Vanessa Kensington: Mr. Powers, I would never have sex with you, ever! If you were the last man on earth and I was the last woman on earth, and the future of the human race depended on our having sex, simply for procreation, I still would not have sex with you.
Austin Powers: What's your point, Vanessa?
[last lines]
Austin Powers: what say, you, we go out on the down and swing, baby? Yea
Dr. Evil: Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to my underground Lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins, and yet, each of you has failed to kill Austin Powers. That makes me angry, and when Dr. Evil get angry, Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, and when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset people DIE!
Dr. Evil: I'm gonna get you Austin Powers! It's fricken freezing in here Mr. Bigglesworth.
Austin Powers: She's the village bicycle! Everybody's had a ride.
Austin Powers: That's Dr. Evil's cat!
Vanessa Kensington: How can you tell?
Austin Powers: I never forget a pussy... cat.
[returning Austin's personal property after reanimating him]
Quartermaster Clerk: One Swedish-made penis enlarger.
Austin Powers: [to Vanessa] That's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk: One credit card receipt for Swedish-made penis enlarger signed by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: I'm telling ya baby, that's not mine.
Quartermaster Clerk: One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.
Austin Powers: I don't even know what this is! This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
Quartermaster Clerk: One book, "Swedish-made Penis Enlargers And Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag Baby", by Austin Powers.
Vanessa Kensington: Look, I know I'm being neurotic, but I can't shake off this suspicious feeling about Miss Fagina. I don't want to sound paranoid, but I've had some bad relationships in the past, and I have been known to be jealous. I'm sorry.
Austin Powers: No, don't be sorry, baby. You're right to be suspicious. I shagged her.
Vanessa Kensington: What?
Austin Powers: I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah!
Vanessa Kensington: Did you used protection ?
Austin Powers: Of course. I had my 9mm automatic.
Vanessa Kensington: You know I meant, did you use a condom?
Austin Powers: No, only sailors wear condoms baby.
Vanessa Kensington: Not in the '90s Austin.
Austin Powers: Well they should, those filthy buggers. They go from port to port.
Austin Powers: Yeah, baby, yeah
Dr. Evil: The details of my life are quite inconsequential... very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum... it's breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.
Dr. Evil: Scott, I want you to meet daddy's nemesis, Austin Powers
Scott Evil: What? Are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?
Dr. Evil: I have an even better idea. I'm going to place him in an easily escapable situation involving an overly elaborate and exotic death.
Dr. Evil: All right guard, begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism.
[guard starts dipping mechanism]
Dr. Evil: Close the tank!
Scott Evil: Wait, aren't you even going to watch them? They could get away!
Dr. Evil: No no no, I'm going to leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, I'm just gonna assume it all went to plan. What?
Scott Evil: I have a gun, in my room, you give me five seconds, I'll get it, I'll come back down here, BOOM, I'll blow their brains out!
Dr. Evil: Scott, you just don't get it, do ya? You don't.
[Dr. Evil has opened a trapdoor, sending Mustafa and several incompetent henchmen falling into a furnace, but Mustafa is still alive. A gunshot is heard]
Mustafa: You shot me!
[pause]
Mustafa: You shot me right in the arm!
[another gunshot]
Dr. Evil: Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called blackmail. The Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it seen that Prince Charles has had an affair outside of marriage and therefore would have to divorce!
Number Two: Prince Charles *did* have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced.
Dr. Evil: Right, people you have to tell me these things, okay? I've been frozen for thirty years, okay? Throw me a frickin' bone here! I'm the boss! Need the info.
[pause]
Dr. Evil: Okay no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the 60's, I had a weather changing machine that was, in essence, a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." Using these "lasers," we punch a hole in the protective layer around the Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is unless the world pays us a hefty ransom.
Number Two: [pause] That also already has happened.
Dr. Evil: Shit. Oh hell, let's just do what we always do. Hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage. Yeah? Good! Gentlemen, it has come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days. Here's the plan. We get the warhead and we hold the world ransom for... ONE MILLION DOLLARS!
Number Two: Don't you think we should ask for *more* than a million dollars? A million dollars isn't exactly a lot of money these days. Virtucon alone makes over 9 billion dollars a year!
Dr. Evil: Really? That's a lot of money.
[pause]
Dr. Evil: Okay then, we hold the world ransom for...
Dr. Evil: One... Hundred... BILLION DOLLARS!
[last lines]
Dr. Evil: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my underground lair. I have gathered here before me the world's deadliest assassins.
Scott Evil: I was thinking I like animals. Maybe I'd be a vet.
Dr. Evil: An evil vet?
Scott Evil: No! Maybe like work in a petting zoo.
Dr. Evil: An evil petting zoo?
Scott Evil: You always do that!
Scott Evil: I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.
Therapist: He doesn't really want to kill you. Sometimes we just say that.
Dr. Evil: No actually the boy is quite astute. I really am trying to kill him, but so far unsuccessfully. He's quite wily, like his old man.
Paddy O'Brien: They're always after me lucky charms.
[Dr. Evil and Frau Farbissina laugh]
Paddy O'Brien: What? Why does everyone always laugh when I say that? They *are* after me lucky charms! What!
Frau Farbissina: It's a television commercial. With this cartoon leprechaun, and all of these children are trying to chase him, "Hey, leprechaun, leprechaun man, we want to get your lucky charms." Oh! And there are these little tiny pieces of mashmallow just stuck right in the cereal. So when the kids eat them they think, "Oooh this is candy, I'm having fun!"
[filling out a form]
Austin Powers: Name? Austin Danger Powers. Sex? Yes please!
Austin Powers: Allow myself to introduce... myself!
[entering the Electric Psychedelic Pussycat Swingers' Club]
Austin Powers: This is my happening and it freaks me out!
[c.f. Beyond the Valley of the Dolls (1970)]
Austin Powers: Judo chop!
[Austin and Vanessa see a man decapitated]
Austin Powers: Not the time to lose one's head.
Vanessa Kensington: No.
Austin Powers: That's not the way to get ahead in life.
Vanessa Kensington: No.
Austin Powers: It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.
Vanessa Kensington: Hmm.
Austin Powers: He'll never be the head of a major corporation.
Vanessa Kensington: Okay, that'll do.
Austin Powers: Okay.
Vanessa Kensington: That's you in a nutshell.
Austin Powers: No, this is me in a nutshell: "Help! I'm in a nutshell! How did I get into this bloody great big nutshell? What kind of shell has a nut like this?"
U.N. Representative: So, Mr. Evil...
Dr. Evil: It's Dr. Evil, I didn't spend six years in Evil Medical School to be called "mister," thank you very much.
Dr. Evil: You know, I have one simple request. And that is to have sharks with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads! Now evidently my cycloptic colleague informs me that that cannot be done. Ah, would you remind me what I pay you people for, honestly? Throw me a bone here! What do we have?
Number Two: Sea Bass.
Dr. Evil: [pause] Right.
Number Two: They're mutated sea bass.
Dr. Evil: Are they ill tempered?
Number Two: Absolutely.
Dr. Evil: Oh well, that's a start.
Austin Powers: Au contraire baby, you can't resist me.
Austin Powers: That's not your mother, it's a man, baby!
Austin Powers: That really hurt! I'm gonna have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a shoe? Honestly! You fight like a woman!
Austin Powers: Actually, my name is Austin Powers. Danger is my middle name.
Austin Powers: Does that make you HORNY?
Austin Powers: Do I make you horny? Randy? Do I make you horny, baby, yeah, do I?
Scott Evil: I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab!
Dr. Evil: Scott, that hurts daddy when you say that. Honestly.
Alotta Fagina: In Japan, men come first and women come second.
Austin Powers: Or sometimes not at all.
Dr. Evil: Begin the unnecessarily slow-moving dipping mechanism!
Basil Exposition: Austin, the Cold War is over!
Austin Powers: Finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh comrades? Eh?
Basil Exposition: Austin... we won.
Austin Powers: Oh, smashing, groovy, yay capitalism!
Austin Powers: Allow myself to introduce... myself.
Basil Exposition: The Cold War's over.
Austin Powers: Ah, finally those capitalist pigs will pay for their crimes, eh? Eh, comrades? Eh?
Basil Exposition: Austin, we won.
Austin Powers: Oh, groovy, smashing. Yay capitalism!
Dr. Evil: I like to see girls of that... caliber.
[pause]
Dr. Evil: By "caliber," of course, I refer to both the size of their gun barrels and the high quality of their characters... Two meanings... caliber... it's a homonym... Forget it.
Austin Powers: I won't bite... hard.
Austin Powers: Hey! There you are!
Tourist: Hi... do I know you?
Austin Powers: No, but that's where you are! You're there!
Austin Powers: My god, Vanessa's got a fabulous body... I bet she shags like a minx... How do I let them know because of the unfreezing process, I have no inner monologue? I hope I didn't just say that all out loud just now.
Vanessa Kensington: Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimatize you to the nineties. You know, a lot's changed since 1967.
Austin Powers: No doubt, love, but as long as people are still having promiscuous sex with many anonymous partners without protection while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound!
Austin Powers: Only two things scare me and one of them is nuclear war.
Basil Exposition: What's the other?
Austin Powers: Excuse me?
Basil Exposition: What's the other thing that scares you?
Austin Powers: Carnies. Circus folk. Nomads, you know. Smell like cabbage. Small hands.
Austin Powers: No, you're right to be suspicious! I shagged her!
Vanessa Kensington: What?
Austin Powers: I shagged her rotten, baby, yeah!
Dr. Evil: Finally, we come to my number two man. His name? Number Two.
Austin Powers: Well, no offense, but if that is a woman it looks like she was beaten with an ugly stick!
Austin Powers: I think you're shagedelic baby! You're switched on! You're smashing! You're shagadelic, baby!
Austin Powers: Smashing Baby! When this ship comes a' rockin', don't come a' knockin', baby!
Austin Powers: It's freedom, baby, yeah!
Dr. Evil: There's nothing as pathetic as an aging hipster.
Austin Powers: What exactly do you do, Mr. Number Two?
Number Two: That's my business. Now if you'll excuse, I have to go to the little boys' room.
Austin Powers: Yeah, and I can't believe Liberace was gay. I mean, women loved him! I didn't see that one coming.
Cowboy: Whoo! That is one crazy get-up, mister... Are you in the show?
Austin Powers: No, actually, I'm English.
Cowboy: Oh... I'm sorry.
Austin Powers: Come again?
Alotta Fagina: Alotta Fagina
Austin Powers: Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it, it sounds like you said your name was a lot of um... never mind!
Frau Farbissina: Remember when we froze your semen? You said that if it didn't look like you were coming back we should try to create an heir so a part of you would live forever?
Dr. Evil: Oh sure.
Frau Farbissina: Well, after a couple of years we got a little... impatient. Dr Evil, I would like you to meet your son.
Dr. Evil: My son?
Frau Farbissina: Ja. SCOTT!
[Scott enters]
Dr. Evil: Hello Scott.
Scott Evil: Hi.
Dr. Evil: I'm your father. Dr Evil.
Scott Evil: I haven't seen you my whole life and now you just show up and *expect* a relationship? I hate you. What?
Dr. Evil: Can I have a hug?
Scott Evil: No.
Dr. Evil: Give me a hug.
Scott Evil: No way.
Dr. Evil: Come on. Let's go. Pronto.
Scott Evil: What are you doing?
Dr. Evil: I'm with it. I'm hip. Well, don't look at me like I'm friggin' Frankenstein! Come here and give your father a hug.
Scott Evil: Get away from me, you lazy-eyed psycho!
[Dr. Evil runs after him with his arms out]
Dr. Evil: Hug, hug, hug.
Austin Powers: Wait Vanessa, I can explain. You see, I was looking for Dr. Evil when the Fembots came out and smoke started coming out of their jomblies. So I started to work my mojo, to counter their mojo; we got cross-mojulation, and their heads started exploding.
Casino Dealer: 17.
Number Two: Hit me.
Casino Dealer: You have 17, sir.
Number Two: I like to live dangerously.
Casino Dealer: [Hit for four] :21. Very good, sir.
[to Austin]
Casino Dealer: :5.
Austin Powers: I'll stay.
Casino Dealer: I suggest you hit, sir.
Austin Powers: I also like to live dangerously.
Casino Dealer: 20 beat your 5 sir. I'm sorry, sir.
Austin Powers: Well I must admit, cards aren't my bag, baby.
[Austin Powers is drowning a man in the toilet]
Austin Powers: Who does Number Two work for? Who does Number Two work for?
Cowboy: Yeah, that's it! You show that turd who's boss.
[Looking at the man that Austin Powers had drowned and left in the toilet]
Cowboy: Jesus Christ, boy! What did you eat?
Austin Powers: WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Basil Exposition: The shouting is a temporary side-effect of the unfreezing.
Austin Powers: Yes... I'm having difficulty controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE.
Dr. Evil: I demand the sum... OF 1 MILLION DOLLARS.
Dr. Evil: One more peep out of you and you're grounded Mister and I am not joking. Let's begin.
Alotta Fagina: How dare you break wind before me
Austin Powers: I'm sorry I didn't realize it was your turn
Austin Powers: [holding Scott hostage] It seems the tables have turned again, Dr. Evil.
Dr. Evil: Not really. Kill the little bastard, see if I care.
Scott Evil: But dad, we just had a breakthrough in group.
Dr. Evil: I had the group LIQUIDATED, you little shit! They were insolent!
Austin Powers: My name is Richie Cunningham, and this is my lovely wife, Oprah.
[Austin tries to resist to Fembots]
Austin Powers: [muttering] Baseball, cold showers, baseball, cold showers.
[One of the fembots stands over him and opens her legs]
Austin Powers: Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!
[Austin Powers sees a man sitting in the corner of the restroom]
Austin Powers: Excuse me, but you didn't happen to see...
[Austin looks at the man and sees that he is blind]
Austin Powers: ...anything at all.
Austin Powers: Pardon me for being rude. It was not me, it was my food. It just popped up to say hello, and now it's gone back down below.
Austin Powers: [has just farted in Alotta's hot tub] Pardon me for being rude, it was not me it was my food, it just popped up to say hello, but now it's gone back down below.
Austin Powers: Its time to swing, baby.
Frau Farbissina: Send in the FEMBOTS!
Easily Fooled Security Guard: [Hypnotized attempt at a British accent] I brought you your orange SHER-bert.
Dr. Evil: Son, wouldn't you like to see what daddy does for a living?
Scott Evil: Blow me.
Dr. Evil: What?
Scott Evil: Show me.
Therapist: We have some new-comers here today. Please say hello to Scott and his father Mr... Ev-ille?
Dr. Evil: Evil, Actually, Dr. Evil.
The Group: Hello, Scott. Hello, Dr. Evil.
Scott Evil: Hi, everybody.
Austin Powers: Dr. Evil, do you really expect them to pay?
Dr. Evil: No, Mr. Powers. I expect them to die.
Dr. Evil: This is Frau Frabissina, founder and leader of the militant wing of the Salvation Army.
Commander Gilmour: Oh my God, he's back.
Johnson Ritter: In many ways, Bob's Big Boy never left, sir. He's always offered the same high quality meals at competitive prices.
Austin Powers: Ooo, Behave!
Decapitated Henchman's Friend: Smiddy won't be coming tonight. His head was bitten off by a tank of ill-tempered mutated sea bass.
Number Two: Over the last thirty years, Virtucon has grown by leaps and bounds. About fifteen years ago, we changed from volatile chemicals to the communication industry. We own cable companies in thirty-eight states.
[the thirty-eight states illuminate on a map]
Number Two: In addition to our cable holdings, we own a steel mill in Cleveland.
[a steel mill miniature illuminates in Cleveland]
Number Two: Shipping in Texas.
[a ship off the coast of Texas illuminates]
Number Two: Oil refineries in Seattle.
[an oil refinery illuminates in Seattle]
Number Two: And a factory in Chicago that makes miniature models of factories.
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