Addicted to Love (1997)
Sam: Say what you want, Linda and I are in love.
Maggie: Yeah, except for her boning my boyfriend, you two are the perfect couple.
Sam: Listen, Catwoman. At the end of the day, she is coming back to me, and we're gonna be happy! And where are you gonna be? All alone somewhere, plotting some little revenge scheme, that's where!
Maggie: Let me tell you something, Sam. Listen to me very carefully. Are you listening?
Maggie: The only way that girl is coming back to you is if a blast of semen catapults her across the street and through the window.
Sam: Anton, can I ask you something?
Anton: Sure you can.
Sam: Do you ever get homesick? I mean, do you ever want to go back to France?
Anton: You know, I was never so much French until I came here. You know Superman?
Anton: Well, that's me. I'm Superman.
[all the cooks laugh loudly and syncophantically]
Anton: And France was like Krypton. You know, on Krypton everybody was Superman. You make a nice sauce, everybody makes a nice sauce. You say hello to a woman with your French accent, everybody say hello!
[all the cooks yodel "hello" with gusto]
Anton: But here, here on Earth, this is the place where I knew I had special powers. I tell the bankers about my little village in France, and they all say, how brave and amazing you are, Anton. I could read the phone book to a woman and they become hypnotized, wet as morning daisies.
Sam: So what is your plan? What do you want to do?
Maggie: I just want his dignity, that's all. I want him hopeless, loveless, finished off! I just wish him ill, very very ill.
Sam: How ill are we talking here?
Maggie: I'm not saying I want him dead. But, should that occur... people die every day, why should he be any different? I'm just thinking on my feet, though. I don't have to decide the death part right now, I can just wait and see how I feel once his dignity's a thing of the past.
Maggie: You know Sam, French men are very small.
Maggie: But not this guy. It's like Godzilla's tail! He could take down Tokyo with that thing!
[watching Anton and Linda on the camera obscura, without sound, Sam and Maggie ad-lib their conversation with French accents]
Sam: Look, my darling, I wanted to show you how well my hands fit on top of my knees, and also to give you a little...
Maggie: Get away from me. Get away from me, please. You are rude.
Sam: Oh, but I love you, my little lamb. I must have you. My love is throbbing at quite a fevered cadence.
Maggie: But you cannot have me. My love is reserved for another.
Sam: You cannot mean...?
Maggie: Yes! The Milky Way Man!
[on the screen, Anton turns away from Linda]
Sam: No, no, no! Anyone but him! No, this is a man who can predict Alpha Cluster emissions. Next to him, I am nothing. I'm a worm, I'm a little...
Maggie: Yes, I love his emissions. Not every man...
[they crack up laughing]
Maggie: ...can be the Milky Way Man.
[on the screen, Anton sulks]
Maggie: What will you do now?
Sam: Forlorn, I will wander the earth by myself - thinking of you and pausing occasionally to have the sex with the skullses. Heh-heh.
Maggie: That's good. Now be quiet about that, or I will make you...
[Linda stuffs a pecan into Anton's mouth, and then licks her fingers]
Maggie: Eat another one of these pecans!
Sam: I like! Oh, this is very good.
Maggie: Look how I'm licking my fingers. You like that?
Sam: I like everything, I am French.
Sam: So I saw this episode of "Lassie" today. And Lassie was accused of a crime she didn't commit, and the Ranger was coming to put her to sleep.
Maggie: Uh-oh. How's Lassie going to get out of this one?
Sam: Well, the little boy told Lassie that she had to go away, far away.
Maggie: For her own good.
Sam: Yes, but you see, Lassie couldn't leave. Lassie just couldn't leave the boy.
Maggie: What did he do?
Sam: He told her he never liked her. He said, "I hate you, Lassie. I hate you. You're a bad dog."
Maggie: That must have made Lassie sad.
Sam: Yes, it did. Lassie trotted off, very sadly. But you know what happened? Lassie came home, Maggie.
Maggie: Did the little boy make it with Lassie?
Sam: Yes. Yes he did.
Maggie: I sleep naked. It's the only way I'm comfortable, so don't think of it as a come-on, because if you so much as breathe in my direction I will nail your willy to that beam.
Maggie: When I was a kid, my father had this dog that started to get all weak and sickly. He takes it to the vet, he examines it and says a maggot must have laid eggs in the dog's butt. The baby maggots have crawled up, now they've started to grow, and eventually they're gonna eat the dog alive from the inside. He says it should be put to sleep, because it's an old dog anyway. But father won't do it. He takes the dog home, he puts it on the bed, he reaches up into the dog, picking out the maggots with his finger, one by one. It takes him all night, but he gets every last one. That dog outlived my father. That's love, Sam.
Sam: Just admit it!
Anton: [shouts] What are you talking about?
Sam: [re: Linda] That you were using her to stay in this country! Just the way you used Maggie!
Anton: ...Maggie? I never told you anything about Maggie. Who the hell are you?
Sam: I'm the Milky Way Man, and I know everything!
Sam: Oh my God! Oh my God he's killing her!
Maggie: Yeah, he's killin' her all right, and she's loving every minute of it!
Sam: He said something about having sex with my skull.
Maggie: Ah, he says that to everyone, don't worry about it.
Maggie: I don't want him back, I just want him vaporized, extinguished! When I'm done with him, he'll be just a twitching little stain on the floor.
Anton: I like a man who fights for what he wants. But if you ever mess with me again, I'll rip out your eyes and rape your skull. Excuse my French.
Sam: [Maggie is watching Sam and Anton in Anton's apartment from across the street]
[about Anton's cooking]
Sam: This is really good!
[Maggie throws a tantrum across the street]
Sam: I'm sorry, it is!
[Maggie turns down the sound of Anton and Linda having sex]
Maggie: Help me get him, Sam. Take the road less traveled. It'll make all the difference!
Sam: No, forget it! I will not be sucked into your nightmare, forget it!
Maggie: Okay, fine, whatever. You know, I bet I could get this in stereo.
[turns up the sound even louder]
Maggie: Well, that is, without a doubt, the most pathetic thing I've ever heard.
Sam: You don't understand...
Maggie: And I don't mean that in a trivial way. I'm a photographer, I've seen a lot of things. I once took pictures of a man who ate his own legs, and you would be the black sheep of that family.
Anton: [about Linda] I can't imagine another man touching her hair, her hips, her panties. OH, GOD, her panties!
[after Maggie mocks Sam's hopes]
Sam: Well, what is your evil plan, huh? You're gonna squirt him with squirt guns? Throw rotten strawberries at him?
Maggie: You looked in my satchel?
Sam: Yeah, call a cop!
Maggie: [shrugs] You are a strange, tragic little man.
[listening to Anton and Linda's boisterous lovemaking]
Sam: Oh, this is horrible! This is horr- this is worse than I'd imagined!
Maggie: Want me to turn it off?
Sam: No, no, I... I need to hear it.
Maggie: How very brave.
[finding out that Sam has been working with Maggie, Anton goes berserk and starts beating him up, then realizes what he's doing and sinks into a corner of the room]
Anton: Maggie... was my angel. She brought me here. I was nothing before I met her, just a waiter in a little cafe in Paris. And yeah... I used her. I used her terribly. But I told myself it didn't matter, because I was sure that I would grow to love her. I thought, if I could just love her, it would be all right. The shame would go away. You can't choose who you love, Mike... or whoever the hell you are. And I love Linda. I love Linda.
Anton: More than anything! Who the hell do you think you are to judge? Who the hell do you think you are?
Sam: I'm nobody, Anton. I'm nobody. Nobody to nobody.
[Maggie appears in Anton's apartment and eases down next to him]
Anton: Maggie, I...
Maggie: Shh... say we're even.
Maggie: Just say it.
Anton: ...Yes. Yes, we are even.
[ruffles his hair affectionately]
Maggie: So how ya been?