Teen Angel (1997–1998)
Marty DePolo: What a tangled web we weave, to get a date for Steve... Beauchamp.
Aunt Pam: Steve, I don't know why you want to sing "Frog Went A-Courtin'" in a British accent at 3am, but cut it out!
Marty DePolo: I knew he'd leave me one day, but did it have to be for a blonde? It's so typical!... there, I said it.
Marty DePolo: [to an angel in the opening sequence] Hey, what'd you die of?
Steve Beauchamp: No, no, wait a minute. This isn't happening to me.
Marty DePolo: No, no, it's true, check it out! I've got retractable wings! Come on. Feel it.
Steve Beauchamp: Nah, a guy doesn't feel another guy's wings, man.
Marty DePolo: Come on. Get with the times.
Angela: Oh, Marty, Marty. I've been doing this a long time, Hon. I know what you must be feeling, but don't you worry. The good have nothing to fear.
Marty DePolo: Uh oh!
God's cousin Rod: It is only because of your extreme youth that we are considering your admission into Heaven.
Marty DePolo: All right, tried as a minor!
Marty DePolo: Hey, I'll visit whenever I can. I get all the Jewish holidays off.
Marty DePolo: The boss' son is Jewish.
Marty DePolo: [tries to hug Steve, but goes right through him] Not solid enough; I gotta eat more bananas.
Marty DePolo: No way! There really is a Cupid?
God's cousin Rod: Of course! How do you think Claudia Schiffer ended up with that Copperfield fellow?
Judy Beauchamp: And Aunt Louise is an angel now, and so's Grandpa Joe.
Marty DePolo: He must be the 'fall asleep with his hands in his pants' angel.
Judy Beauchamp: Heaven is a very special place. All your loved ones go there.
Katie Beauchamp: Even my sea-monkeys?
Judy Beauchamp: Even your sea-monkeys.
Katie Beauchamp: So, everything you flush down the toilet goes to heaven.
Judy Beauchamp: Well, not everything.
Marty DePolo: Let me do some research here.
[walks down to where Edie and her friend are at their lockers. He snaps his fingers and Edie's friend goes over to her]
Friend: Edie, would you ever go out with a guy who couldn't sing?
Marty DePolo: I was afraid of that. Hey, I could find out a lot of things.
[snaps his fingers again and Edie's friend walks back over to her]
Friend: Edie, what did you think of Marty DePolo when he was alive?
Marty DePolo: I'm not licked yet!
[snaps his fingers again]
Friend: Edie, what would you think of Marty DePolo if he were alive and he could sing?
Marty DePolo: [goes to snap his fingers again but thinks better of it] I give up.
God's cousin Rod: We'll start things off with a nice gift basket.
Marty DePolo: Gift basket?
God's cousin Rod: It's full of goodies to help with your adjustment.
Laurie: Ooh, turtle wax!
Marty DePolo: I didn't get a gift basket.
God's cousin Rod: Marty.
Marty DePolo: Where's my turtle wax?
God's cousin Rod: Marty, don't you have someplace else to be?
Marty DePolo: Not really.
Marty DePolo: You gonna eat that salami?
God's cousin Rod: Go help Steve with the talent show!
Kyle: Hello, Last Boy! Ha ha ha... Hey, I made a pun!
Steve Beauchamp: That wasn't a pun.
Kyle: What is it?
Steve Beauchamp: Er, unprovoked abuse?
Kyle: Fine by me. I'm outta here.
[starts to walk away]
Marty DePolo: Hey, have a nice trip!
[sticks out his foot and Kyle trips over it and goes sprawling across the floor]
Marty DePolo: Now THAT was a pun.
Marty DePolo: All right, should I help him or shouldn't I? On the one hand, he really wants to do this for himself. On the other hand...
Steve Beauchamp: [being thrown by Kyle] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Marty DePolo: ...there's that.
[He jumps to his feet]
Marty DePolo: Kyle, by the awesome power of Heaven I give you an invisible wedgy.
[He pulls at the air and Kyle falls over clutching his bottom]
Jordan Lubell: Your new locker.
[opens it for Steve]
Jordan Lubell: Voila, dude.
Steve Beauchamp: Wow.
Jordan Lubell: And every night the janitor leaves a little mint on the top shelf.
Coach Fortner: Beauchamp, are you talking to thin air?
Steve Beauchamp: Uh...
Coach Fortner: Whatever floats your boat.
[waves to the air]
Coach Fortner: Good-bye, Steve's invisible friend.
Marty DePolo: Good-bye, Steve's hypertensive coach.
Katie Beauchamp: Well I have a loose tooth, and I hear the tooth fairy's giving a hundred dollars now.
Judy Beauchamp: Now, Katie, don't make things up.
Steve Beauchamp: I made the wrestling team.
Judy Beauchamp: You, too, Steve, don't make things up.
Aunt Pam: Oh yeah? You wanna arm wrestle?
Steve Beauchamp: Oh come on. Well, I'm a guy and you're...
Aunt Pam: Yeah?
Steve Beauchamp: You're my aunt.
Katie Beauchamp: Aunts can lift 17 times their body weight.
Judy Beauchamp: No, Katie, honey. You're thinking of those pesky ants that steal your food at picnics.
Katie Beauchamp: Yeah, like Aunt Pam.
God's cousin Rod: Steve's on the wrestling team but he can't beat his aunt Pam. What's wrong with this picture?
Marty DePolo: Well the contrast is a little off, and you only seem to be able to get this one channel, but I've got a cousin who could hook you up with a little box that...
God's cousin Rod: We don't steal cable in Heaven!
Announcer: Steve Beauchamp. You've just gone from a total unknown to the top ranked wrestler in the district. How did you do it?
Steve Beauchamp: [takes the mic] Well, I'm afraid I have a confession to make too. I owe all my success to, well, the forces of heaven.
Steve Beauchamp: No, I'm serious. I had a guardian angel on my side.
Steve Beauchamp: No, I'm not kidding. He's right there.
[He points to Marty who's motioning to him to shut up. Coach takes the mic from him]
Marty DePolo: [reading fan mail] Dear Teen Angel, how do I get out those water marks left by soda cans on my coffee table? That's easy. Use your magic powers. Thanks for writing.