The Practice (1997–2004)
Eugene Young: Bobby, if stupidity were a crime, your ass would be in jail for life!
Judge Roberta Kittleson: Let me be frank. The defendant is world-class scum. I'm sure he's guilty of the crime.
Eugene Young: Well, I'm glad you have an open mind.
Judge Roberta Kittleson: Oh please. A mind is like a wound. If it's too open, you get an infection.
Bobby Donnell: It's better that ten guilty men go free, than one innocent man suffer.
Richard Bay: What Mr. Donnell is saying is he doesn't trust juries. Well, that's the system of this country. And if it displeases him, perhaps he should move to Cuba.
Judge Zoey Hiller: Mr. Bay, did you see the sign, "Check your soapbox at the door"?
Joey Heric: Helen, can I call you Helen?
Joey Heric: Okay, Dorothy.
Ellenor: This is a no-brainer, what's stopping you?
Lindsay: Some of us have brains.
Judge Roberta Kittleson: I'm sorry, Mr. Bay. I'm not going to allow the prosecution to call defense counsel to impeach a state's witness. You got a bad bounce. You'll just have to deal with it.
Helen: We'd all kill. It's just the circumstances that vary.
Lindsay: Now there's a proverb.
Bobby: What kind of fairness is this? You're putting the system before a person's life.
Judge Hiller: Damn right I am. That's why I wear the robe.
Helen Gamble: I need it, Richard. Give it to me.
Richard Bay: What?
Helen Gamble: The speech. Why we do what we do.
Richard Bay: Oh, I am not really in the mood after...
Helen Gamble: PLEASE, Richard. I NEED it. Please give it to me. And don't just phone it in.
Richard Bay: Helen...
Helen Gamble: Please! Can't you see how demoralized I am?
Richard Bay: OK. (takes a deep breath) There are heroes in this world. They're called District Attorneys. They don't get to have clients, people who smile at them at the end of the trial, who look them in the eye and say, "thank you." Nobody is there to appreciate the District Attorney, because we work for the state. And our gratitude comes only from knowing there's a tide out there. A tide the size of a tsunami coming out of a bottomless cesspool. A tide called crime, which, if left unchecked will rob every American of his freedom. A tide which strips individuals of the privilege of being able to, to walk down a dark street or take twenty dollars out of an ATM machine without fear of being mugged. All Congress does is talk, but it's the District Attorney who grabs his sword, who digs into the trenches and fights the fight. Who dogs justice day, after day, after day without thanks, without so much as a simple pat on the back. But we do it. We do it, we do it because we are the crusaders, the last frontier of American justice. Knowing that if a man cannot feel safe, he can never, never feel free.
Helen Gamble: Thank you.
[accused of plotting his wife's death]
Client: I guess you can't ask someone to trust you after you've planned their death.
Ellenor: Heads we take the plea, tails we go for it.
Ellenor: Tails. We go for it.
Lindsay: This is why we get paid. To make these decisions.
Ellenor: Can't let an innocent man go to jail.
Rebecca: We don't even let our guilty ones go there.
Lindsay: Your style is kind of, you know, Queen Bitch Killer Bee. Doesn't harsh go with that?
Helen: Why yes Lindsay, harsh would go with that...
Lindsay: If you were in my position...
Helen: I would NEVER be in your position.
Helen: Go to hell.
Lindsay: You go to hell.
Bobby: You think it's tough defending the guilty, Lindsay? Try the innocent... it's terrifying.
Bobby: Once in a while you get an innocent, and that's why we do this.
Ellenor: Has the prosecution paid you for your testimony today?
Witness: I have been paid a small stipend for my expenses.
Ellenor: Would that be more or less than they paid the judge?
Lucy: My mother told me two things before she died. One was never let somebody push you around just because they're bigger or richer.
Ellenor: What was the other thing she told you?
Lucy: If you're ever in an argument, you can always trump with a dead mother.
Priest: With Catholics like you, who needs Protestants?
Helen: Who's the judge?
Richard: Kittleson, I hate her too.
Helen: And why is that?
Richard: Because... Raymond Oz called me a midget at sidebar. She could've held him in contempt.
Helen: He was the defendant! She...
Richard: Then she half-called me a midget, too.
Richard: It was a slip. She said 'midg', then caught herself. I hate her too.
Helen: If you're in love with the guy, be a woman about it and claw my eyes out. I'd do it to you.
Lindsay: Hail, hail freedom of the press. I think it's time to send a message to all the cockroaches.
Eugene: The rot is already in the wood.
Lindsay: So you might as well take your cut.
Ellenor: You pissy little bitch.
Judge: Your motion is denied. I am losing my patience!
Ellenor: To hell with patience, you've lost your MIND, and that hasn't slowed you down!
[on George's innocence]
Susan Robin's father: You're getting paid to think that.
Eugene: I get paid to represent him. What I think isn't up for sale.
Lawrence O'Malley: You're going to heaven, and I will take you there.
Lindsay: You know what? Why don't you go on ahead without me.
[part of her closing argument]
Helen: This man comes from a society that treats women as commodities. A nation that burns bad wives. In America we don't do that. We don't condone honor killings. We don't consider any murder to be honorable. You all know what he did. Come back with a verdict which reminds him what country he is in now.
Bobby: Let me tell you what I know. I've always known you to be a judge who's about the law. Despite all the wacky stuff you've got going on, when you put that robe on you've always been a judge. A good one, a fair one. You pride yourself on that, where the HELL was your pride today? The district attorney delivered one of the most bigoted closings I've ever seen. And you didn't blink. The prejudice in this trial had been SCREAMING, and the loudest scream came in the form of that verdict. How in God's name can you let it stand?
Judge Kittleson: For the record counsel, what you call bigotry, the district attorney calls motive. And she's free to argue that. Second, circumstantial evidence is enough to convict and the jury found that evidence to be compelling. It is not my function to substitute my judgment. And lastly, off the record, any man whose brother burns women alive, can't be all good. Now please leave.
Bobby: Wow, I guess prejudice is cloaked in black robes sometimes too.
[On fixing Eugene's non-existent hair]
Lucy: I'm not a magician.
Eugene: No, but you can make yourself disappear.
Ellenor: Who'd you kill?
Joey Heric: It's nice to see you too, Ellenor.
[after Jimmy has burst into his apartment with the police only to find Judge Kittleson standing there naked]
Jimmy Berluti: What?
Judge Roberta Kittleson: I came to surprise you.
Jimmy Berluti: Oh... it worked.
Judge Roberta Kittleson: Was anyone else present for your conversation?
Ellenor Frutt: No.
Judge Roberta Kittleson: Well, then, shame on you. Never interview a witness alone. This is what you get.
Ellenor Frutt: Thank you, Your Honor. I was so hoping for a lesson.
Harland Bassett: Look at the bright side, Eugene. I can still get my jury victory now.
Eugene Young: Yes. I'm trying to contain my delight on that.
Jimmy Berluti: My client is innocent. You know it. That's probably why you're in here getting drunk.
Judge Roberta Kittleson: Wrong again. I get drunk every night.
Judge Roberta Kittleson: After this case is over, if you want to sit next to me, fine. We can share a drink. Who knows, I might even wet your whistle after.
Jimmy Berluti: You're a vulgar, desperate woman.
Judge Roberta Kittleson: All the more reason to remain a good judge, then.
Judge Roberta Kittleson: You can write your congressman if you don't like the law, counsel. In here, we simply follow it.
[Bobby and Lindsay are getting their marraige license. When reviewing their information, the lady helping them makes a crack about 'Lindsay Suzanne Dole']
Lady: [to Lindsay] Your initials are LSD - isn't that funny?
Bobby: I'm never gonna stop loving you...
Lindsay: How do you know?
Bobby: Because, I've only just begun to love you.
Bobby: Lindsay, I've only had two dreams my whole life. One was to pitch for the Red Sox, the other was to meet and marry the greatest woman in the whole world... one for two isn't bad...
[touching her cheek]
Bobby: Now if I could just get you to take a little medication for your mood swings...
Lindsay: [bending his finger backwards, grinning] Is that so?
Bobby: Ow! Ow! Okay! Okay! Uncle!
[Lindsay is emotionally involved in a case, and is acting moody at the office. Earlier, Lucy overheard her confess to Bobby that she "needs more sex"]
Jimmy Berluti: [to Bobby] Is there something I'm not getting here?
Lucy: It's Lindsay who's not gettin' it - from Bobby.
Lindsay: You're not senior partner here, Bobby.
Bobby: Well, then, let's put our clothes back on, drive over to the office, and have the conversation there.
Lindsay: You can't just fire me, I'm partner.
Bobby: Yeah, you are. Mine.
[They fall back onto the bed, kissing]
Lindsay: Don't 'here we go' me! If you 'here we go' me, one more time...
Bobby: Listen to yourself.
Lindsay: Oh, and I hate that one, too - "listen to yourself". "Here we go" and "listen to yourself". If you say those things, in our marriage, I will scream. Okay? Do you hear me? You know, it's good to know these things before we become husband and wife. This is very, very, healthy.
Lindsay: You've made every decision without consulting me, and now you're telling me that I have to wear your dead mother's doily? Well, I'm not. I'm wearing the dress that I picked out. If I have to eat communion, you can swallow this.
Lucy: [on Lindsay's mood] Definitely wedding stress.
[Lindsay stalks up to her menacingly, and she steps back]
Lucy: My first instinct was to say nothing - honest.
[There is a rat in the office and the girls have piled on top of the desks in order to get away from it. Ellenor pulls out something and Lindsay asks her what it is]
Ellenor: It's a starter pistol.
Lindsay: [laughing] What are you gonna do? Race him?
Helen: [to Ellenor] Roommates are supposed to share their little sexual secrets. I sleep with this football player, he comes over with his poodle. Dog likes to lick my toes during. . . Just kidding.
Jimmy Berluti: I've spent my whole life thinking I'm not good enough.
Bobby Donnell: If we lose, you'll at least know your whole life, you've been right.
George Vogelman: You know you're standing under the mistletoe?
Helen: You know the saying, George - once you've seen a man holding a severed head, it's hard to look at him again sexually.
Bobby Donnell: [about Ellenor testifying on behalf of the firm] We'll look bad if we hide things. Let's just be upfront about everything.
Ellenor: That's easy for you to say - it's not your personal life
Lucy: Who has a personal life?