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Dead Man on Campus (1998) Poster

Quotes

Cliff: They hate it when you do this.

[shoots gun at cops]

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Matt: [after he gets caught singing a show tune by Cooper] Oh fuck me!

Cooper: What were you just doing?

Matt: What? Nothing!

Cooper: Oh no, don't tell me nothing, you were just singing a show tune!

Matt: You're crazy, I'd never do that.

Cooper: You can't be suicidal if you're singing show tunes!

Matt: I am suicidal.

Cooper: You're not even depressed!

Matt: Of course I'm depressed, look at me.

[hunches over]

Matt: I'm very fucking depressed.

Cooper: You fucking poser!

Matt: [loses his accent] Hey man, I'm not a fucking...

Cooper: You're not even British!

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Cliff: I really shouldn't be driving, I have a suspended license.

Cooper: Really? For what?

Cliff: Attempted vehiclular manslaughter... whatever the FUCK that means!

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Cliff: I live in a Frat House, right? And these fuckers wanna kick me out for not observing quiet hour!

[shouting]

Cliff: Well, they can SUCK my QUIET COCK!

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Cliff: who wants to do a bong... how about you

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Cliff: [rapping] My name is Cliff, brother of Joe. I got me some crack. I want me some hoes!

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Cooper: You can't be suicidal if you're singing show tunes!

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Cliff: Come on man! Just kick me in the junk!

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Cliff: Do you guys ever get really horny?

Cooper: Depends where you're going with this.

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Cooper: Young man! Where have you been? I was up all night worried sick. Do you know what time it is?

Josh: I LOVE college. I love everything about it. The people, the freedom. This room. This chair. Look at this chair!

Cooper: You had sex last night didn't you?

Josh: That's a nice shirt.

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Cooper: I can hear my heartbeat through my penis!

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Zeke: This is my brother's Ritalin. Ritalin's good for studying math or science, just don't try to write English papers on it or it won't make any sense. Enjoy that.

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Cliff: [looking at a poster of Van Gogh's "Starry Night"] Whoa. Which one of you painted this?

Rachel: Uhh... I did.

Cliff: It's soooo smooth.

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Buckley: If you see that guy, kick him in the balls!

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[handing back a trophy]

Cooper: Here's your dildo.

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Cooper: I need my Jimmy!

Josh: No Jimmy, repeat: no Jimmy.

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Cliff: Zeke!

Zeke: [terrified] Cliff!

Cliff: How you been man? I haven't seen you since high school!

Zeke: I-I thought you were dead.

Cliff: No! But about THIS close though!

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Josh: It was so easy. I mean, I didn't have to do anything. To make it happen. It was just like. "Time for sex. We're gonna have sex now. Prepare for sex."

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Josh: I'm not gonna commit suicide, if that's what you're thinking.

Cooper: Aw come on Josh, you're fucked anyway. At least this way, one of us comes out on top.

Josh: Then you kill YOURself.

Cooper: Naw, I just couldn't see that working.

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Cooper: My father's right. I'm a fuck-up. I'm a total fuck-up. You may be having this little holiday in Fuck-up Land, but I live here permanently.

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Cooper: You know what my dad does for a living? He cleans toilets. Yeah, he own this whole, toilet cleaning company and it's big. It's huge. And he's an incredible... asshole!

[chuckles]

Cooper: Yeah I call him Flushles, the Toilet Cleaning Clown...

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Matt: [singing] My words in my sperm, spewing forth my tragic...

Matt: What the fuck do you two what?

Josh: Are you a musician?

Cooper: Are you in a band?

Matt: Kiss... My... Arse.

Josh: What?

[Josh and Cooper look at each other puzzled]

Matt: That's the name of the bleeding band.

Josh: Oh, you're gonna be playing the big pre-finals party.

Matt: Yeah, that's right - if I'm still around.

Cooper: What do you mean?

Matt: And who the fuck are you? Fucking Kurt Loader!

Matt: WOULD YOU PISS OFF AND SHUT MY FUCKING DOOR!

[Josh and Cooper hurriedly close the door, but remain in the room]

Matt: Piss off!

Josh: Oh, Piss off.

Cooper: [On the way out of the room] What the fuck does piss off mean?

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Cliff: [Josh is about to drink yellow liquid] That one's not beer!

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Josh: There's only one thing that can save you now.

Cooper: What? Valium?

Josh: No, studying! You need to study.

Cooper: What? You're insane!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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