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Of Werewolves And Were-Euros., 22 August 2005

Author: dunmore_ego from Los Angeles, California

*** This comment may contain spoilers ***

Not five minutes into "Werewolf", we realize we've been duped into watching an interminable Mentos commercial – Euros playing Americans playing archaeologists.

We meet these brawling "scientists" (of course! – don't ALL scientists brawl at their excavation sites?) somewhere in Arizona, Europe, as they unearth a human skeleton with a wolf's skull. Joe Estevez, in a role you will not soon forget – waitaminute, who was I talking about?... oh right, Martin Sheen's brother – wide-eyed in terror (or attempting to perform the facsimile thereof), pules "yana-glanchi" at the skeleton, which means, loosely translated, "buried studio prop".

Apparently, the studio prop was a dead werewolf - Waitaminute! - when a werewolf dies, doesn't it transform FULLY back to human shape? How did its head remain lupine?

Specious examination follows, with Noel (lead scientist, bearing an unfortunate resemblance to literary gadfly - and one of my heroes - Harlan Ellison) asserting that the creature ran on all fours – but with all four skeletal limbs so patently human in form and function, were it to run on all fours, the creature's butt would be so high in the air, it might as well have stood up and gone bipedal.

Noel and musclebound "scientist", Yuri (who assimilated his English locution from Antonio Banderas movies), apply their stringent "scientific method" to the mystery of dem bones, which involves contemplating every unintelligible LEGEND surrounding this mythic creature, arriving at the baseless conclusion that the skeleton is, in fact, a "wahr-wilf", without raising one finger to physically examine it. Don't give up your day jobs, fellas.

Blond-and-breasted Natalie, who we presume has some kind of education (other than carnal) to be one of the lead scientists on this dig, tries ever so hard to add convincing dialog to her scenes, but in trying to get her Euro tongue around English as her Second Language, she sounds like she's gargling marbles. Don't give up your boob job, honey.

Considering werewolf legends originated in Europe, one would imagine that Euros would be the best purveyors of these tales. But somehow, when these Euros made this American-market film, all quality and integrity went "ciao baby", which might say something about the sub-standard perception Europeans have of the American Film Industry's boilerplate low-budget motion picture market, thereby creating inferior product because they don't have to strive too high - or it might just mean that *these* Euro film-makers stink…

The main character, Paul (pronounced "Pahlle" in Euro), is beaten by Yuri with the sharp end of the yana-glanchi skull; consequently, he turns into a were-creature and minces about the countryside hither and thither, crawling, jogging, ululating, pretending to bite people, shape-shifting into at least five discernible stages of wolf-hood, one of which looks like a guy in a bear suit. We gather that there is something terribly wrong about this, not least because the moon has been full for about two straight weeks indicating that its orbit has suddenly destabilized, but also because Natalie seems concerned (or attempting to perform the facsimile thereof).

And then, thankfully, the movie ends, leaving about five characters unaccounted for, two or three who just never appeared again after the second act. The final scene sees Natalie finding Paul as a slavering werewolf and being unafraid of him. The big reveal is that Natalie herself is a wahr-wilf!

How this came to pass is pointless to contemplate. Why this seems to be meaningful as the punchline of the film is even more of a mystery. Let's just back away slowly and hope the movie allows us to leave unscathed.

(Movie Maniacs, visit: www.poffysmoviemania.com)

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