The Stupids (1996)
Joan Stupid: Stanley, you must beware of the Drive B.
Stanley Stupid: What's a Drive B?
Joan Stupid: We don't know, but whatever error you make with it could be fatal.
Stanley Stupid: [notices a bee landing on his steering wheel] What are you doing, you darn bee? Can't you see I'm trying to drive? Oh, my God! The drive bee!
[Stanley's car has exploded right when he swatted a bee on it with his shoe]
Stanley Stupid: Now that's a well-made shoe.
Evil Sender: [Reading a letter] "If you still love me, Sally, tie a ribbon 'round the old oak tree". I'm afraid the only thing that's going to be hanging from that tree is you, "Bob"!
[Throws it into the fire]
Policeman: This postal ploy of yours is the most evil caper of our age, Mr. Sender. How will you ever top yourself?
Evil Sender: With a crime so unthinkable that no-one has ever dared to attempt to attempt it: to rob an entire nation of its garbage.
Policeman: The one resource no-one ever thinks to protect!
Evil Sender: Yet without it, every Hefty bag, every trash compactor, every rubbish bin in America will be useless. Desperate men will roam the streets with empty wastebaskets, panic and chaos will rule the land. The precious balance of civilization will be destroyed, and then the world will come begging for mercy... to me.
[to security guard]
Evil Sender: Your job is to kidnap anyone who discovers my diabolical plan, including children.
Gas Station Attendant: Sir, did you know there's a hole in your gas tank.
Stanley Stupid: That's how you get the gas in there.
Stanley Stupid: Be on the look out for anything suspicious.
Buster Stupid: Dad, they're putting make-up on men in there.
Stanley Stupid: Bull's eye.
Buster Stupid: What if we formed our own army?
Petunia Stupid: Then we'd have to form our own country.
Joan Stupid: We could call it Stupidia.
Joan Stupid: Oh dear I left the garbage out over night.
Stanley Stupid: [looking inside cans] Oh no. Someone's stolen our garbage again.
[thinking they've died and gone to Heaven]
Stanley: Hail to thee, Oh Lord.
The Lloyd: Actually, it's pronounced 'Lloyd'.
Stanley: [to Petunia] All these years we've been saying it wrong.
Joan Stupid: Note to self: must buy hand held tape recorder. Then I will no longer be speaking into the garage door opener.
[Stanley tries to start it using an invisible key]
Stanley Stupid: The car won't start.
Buster Stupid: Maybe the battery is dead.
Joan Stupid: It was perfectly healthy this morning.
Stanley's Neighbor: Hey Stanley, I haven't seen you much this weekend. What have you been doing?
Stanley Stupid: Oh you know, had breakfast, read the paper, saved the world.
Joan Stupid: As your president of Stupidia, I appoint Stanley Stupid head of the army.
[Stanley who just escaped from the base, raced to the car]
Joan Stupid: Your first assignment is to go onto that army base and rescue my husband.
Buster Stupid: And rescue our dad.
Stanley Stupid: I'm afraid those two will have to wait, we've got to get to a place called Warehouse 21.
[When noticing a letter with "Return to Sender" on it]
Stanley: Who is this Sender and what is he doing with other people's mail?
Charles Sender: No time to talk, I'm afraid. I'm taking over the heads of a dozen foreign countries.
Policeman: [on the phone] Hello, is this Mrs. Stupid?
Joan Stupid: Yes.
Policeman: We have your children here, Ma'am.
Joan Stupid: Oh my God, it's true. The police have kidnapped my children!
Talk Show Hostess: Have you ever thought that you came from a strange or unusual family? Well, after you meat our guests, you might want to adjust your standards.
Talk Show Guest #1: I divorced my wife in order to marry her daughter.
Talk Show Guest #2: I married a siamese twin and had an affair with her sister.
Talk Show Guest #3: I've been engaged to three of my cousins.
Stanley Stupid: I'm, well, to tell you the truth, I'm my own Grandpa.
Talk Show Hostess: You're your own Grandpa? Well, for some of us who don't understand this, can you explain?
Stanley Stupid: Well, yes. It's quite simple, really.
Stanley Stupid: Many many years ago when I was twenty three/ I was married to a widow who was purdy as can be/ This widow had a grown-up daughter who had hair of red/ My father fell in love with her and soon they too were wed/
Stanley Stupid: This made my dad my son in law and changed my very life/ For my daughter was my mother 'cause she was my father's wife/ To complicate the matters even though it brought me joy I soon became the father of a bouncing baby boy/
Stanley Stupid: This little baby then became a brother-in-law to dad/ And so became my uncle though it made me very sad/ For if he was my uncle than it also makes him brother/ To the widow's grown-up daughter who of course if my stepmother/
Stanley Stupid: My father's wife then had a son who kept him on the run/ And he became my grandchild 'cause he was my daughter's son/ My wife is now my mother's mother and it makes me blue/ For although she is my wife she is my grandmother too/
Stanley Stupid: If my wife is my grandmother than I am her grandchild/ And every time I think of this it nearly drives me wild/
Talk Show Hostess: has got to be the craziest thing I ever saw
Stanley Stupid: As husband to my grandmother I am my own grandpa!
[flashback of Lloyd in the Planetarium after one of the guards spits gum on the floor]
The Lloyd: Remember: throw your gum in the trash after you get done chewing it. I spend a huge amount of my time cleaning up gum.
[flash forward back to Stanley tied to the chair and enraged]
Stanley Stupid: In the name of the Lloyd!
Stanley Stupid: I'm stuck, I'm caught, I'm trapped! Somebody help me out here!
Petunia Stupid: I'm cornered!
Stanley Stupid: That's it, I'm cornered! That's the word I'm looking for.
Chinese Waiter #2: It's not our battle to fight, Johnson. We have enough trouble getting soy sauce into these tiny packets!
Late Night Show Host: [reading off a "cue card", actually a reminder note held by Mrs. Stupid] Give it up to the Fat Guy!
Glamorous Actress: Some people think it's easy being a celebrity, but when they canceled my series "Malibu Beach Detective", I was just absolutely devastated.
[the "Applause" sign comes on and the audience applauds]
Late Night Show Host: Well, I'm sure everyone is very sympathetic for you. You've put so much work into such a fine series to have it taken off the air.
Glamorous Actress: As an artist, I was truly crushed.
[the "Applause" sign comes on again and the audience applauds]
Glamorous Actress: It was the most awful, shocking, heartbreaking thing that's ever happened to me!
[backstage, Petunia is unkowingly flipping the switch that turns the "Applause" sign on and off]
Petunia Stupid: Mom, I can't get this light switch to work.
Joan Stupid: Just a moment dear.
[she writes "Give it to the fat guy" on a blank cue card]
Joan Stupid: Now, let's take a look.
[she fiddles with the switch and the sign comes on, with audience applauding]
Glamorous Actress: Well, maybe you'd all be happier if there was no primetime television.
[Joan fiddles with the switch some more; the audience keeps applauding]
TV Director: What's going on?
Glamorous Actress: You could spend every night reading books together.
[Joan flips the switch; the audience applauds; the Glamourous Actress leaves]
Late Night Show Host: Well, my next guest is a world-class French chef, so stay tuned, everyone, and let's...
[reads from cue card which is actually a reminder note from Joan Stupid]
Late Night Show Host: Give it to the fat guy!
French Chef: Fat? Fat? Moi, fat?
[yells in French]
French Chef: [he starts shaking the host around while Joan flips the switch one last time and the audience applauds]