Congressman David Dilbeck: [practicing in front of a mirror] Hello, Erin. My name is Congressman Dilbeck. You are... you're a beauty.
[Erin enters the salon behind him; Dilbeck turns and stares]
Erin Grant: Good evening. I'm Erin Grant.
[Dilbeck nods dumbly]
Erin Grant: [little laugh] And you must be...
Congressman David Dilbeck: [stuttering] Con... Comback Dilbeck. Uh, uh, Con-Congressman, uh, Dildo.
Congressman David Dilbeck: I am... Congressman David Dilbeck. And welcome, welcome.
Chico: Are you Ms. Grant?
Erin Grant: [sarcastically] No, I'm Barbara Bush.
Chico: [to Shad] And you are?
Shad: George Bush.
Erin Grant: [after Dilbeck grabs her] Finally you take me like a man, like a... Congress man!
[Shad appears besides Erin's car while Darrell is holding her at knifepoint inside it]
Shad: Drop the knife! You got 'til three. One...
Darrell Grant: Suck my dick!
Shad: Whip the little fella out. Two...
Darrell Grant: [brandishes the knife at Shad] This here's a domestic squabble...!
[Shad seizes his knife hand and wrenches his arm over the window jam, snapping the bone. Darrell screams]
Darrell Grant: You broke my arm!
Shad: You sure?
Erin Grant: I can't still be working here when I go to court. "Oh yes your honor; I found a new job... I'm working at the Eager Beaver!"
Erin Grant: Well, up until 8 weeks ago, I worked for the FBI Miami... secretary... until I got fired for having a defective husband.
Darrell Grant: You got my daughter, and now you try and kill me with a ax.
Malcolm Moldowsky: I don't have your daughter, you're confused! And it's "*an* ax."
Nico: What are you, nuts?
Shad: Yeah, psycho. Delusions of invincibility combined with a strong homicidal urge. I have a kick-your-ass fetish.
Shad: You talk to her?
Erin Grant: Darrell's phone's disconnected. I think he moved again.
Shad: You know, I'd embrace the opportunity to maim his white ass up.
Erin Grant: I know you would, and that's really thoughtful, but I don't think it would help my case in court if I had him attacked.
[about going after Erin without police backup]
Shad: So we're it? A cop and a bouncer?
Lt. Al Garcia: Plus two strippers and a kid. We're in great shape.
Congressman David Dilbeck: You don't know how much I love you. I even sent my man Erb to collect your lint!
Erin Grant: My *lint*?
Congressman David Dilbeck: Fresh, hot lint!
Erin Grant: And what did you do with that fresh, hot lint?
Congressman David Dilbeck: Well, I'm afraid I made love to it.
Erin Grant: [Shad has just put a roach in a container of yogurt] So, this is the new brainstorm, huh?
Shad: Accordin' to the Wall St. Journal we got here the hottest selling yogurt in the country. I bring this in, say my hair fell out from the shock. BOOM! They pay off big time. My lawyer thinks it's a genius idea.
Erin Grant: Your lawyer has an office over a video store.
Shad: Call me a dreamer. I don't wanna be a bouncer forever.
Congressman David Dilbeck: I'm about to mount this here filly!
[Erin pulls out a gun]
Congressman David Dilbeck: Maybe not.
Erin Grant: If I come back tomorrow, can we talk more about my case?
Congressman David Dilbeck: We can talk about anything you want, long as you're naked.
Congressman David Dilbeck: See, I just love naked women. It's a character flaw.
Darrell Grant: Hey, are you that guy from Price is Right?
Congressman David Dilbeck: No! I'm Congressman David Dilbeck!
Darrell Grant: Congressman? No shit! Well, I steal wheelchairs, so we got a lot in common.
Shad: "Free Willy" back yet?
Video Clerk: Still out.
Shad: People are pigs! Sit on movies like they own 'em!
Darrell Grant: I don't need no stripper to telling me how to live!
Darrell Grant: [seizes Erin from behind and holds a knife to her neck] Evenin', everybody!
Erin Grant: Oh, shoot!
Darrell Grant: Where's my little 'un?
Erin Grant: Where you can't get her.
Darrell Grant: Is that ever the wrong answer. Now you bring her to me right now!
Erin Grant: I am not bringing her to you anywere in this lifetime.
Darrell Grant: Well, then I guess I'll just have to go to that nice old judge and tell him my whore of a wife has abducted...
Erin Grant: Well, guess what, Darell? The judge is dead! So if you want Angela, then you're just going to have to kill me. Go on!
Darrell Grant: Think I'm afraid to? You think I don't have the manliness to take your life?
Erin Grant: Oh no, honey, you know what, I think you are all man. That death row lethal injection thing? Nah, come on, that's not gonna scare you!
Darrell Grant: [hesitates, then] They'd never execute a daddy.
Erin Grant: No?
Malcolm Moldowsky: This is a major disaster! Major! Unbelievable! Without doubt, the most ludicrous piece of human behavior...
Congressman David Dilbeck: It's never gonna happen again, Malcolm. I've got it under control. See, I just love naked women. It's a character flaw. And God's testing me now...
Malcolm Moldowsky: Oh, will you shut up, you idiot!
Congressman David Dilbeck: You can't talk to me like that. I'm a United States Congressman!
Malcolm Moldowsky: I can't? When you go psycho in a girlie bar six weeks before the election, what should I call you? Winston Freaking Churchill? It was all I could do to keep Willie Rojo from coming in here and strangling you with his bare, freaking hands!
Congressman David Dilbeck: Everybody has a bad night, especially if they're under the pressure, like we are, under the public eye of...! Who recognized me?
Malcolm Moldowsky: His name is Jerry Killian. And he's waiting outside.
Malcolm Moldowsky: Now! We gotta move on this thing before we get eaten alive!
Congressman David Dilbeck: Move on what? I mean, if this is a shakedown, just get Willie to pay him like he always does. Why drag me into it...?
Malcolm Moldowsky: Because... it's not about money.
Congressman David Dilbeck: It's not?
Malcolm Moldowsky: No. He wants you to persuade Judge Fingerhut to reverse a child custody case, of some stripper.
Congressman David Dilbeck: Who he's sleeping with? You know, this is disgraceful! This is disgraceful, to have a man, like me, who has to deal with...!
Malcolm Moldowsky: He's not sleeping with her.
Congressman David Dilbeck: [stops, uncomprehending] Well, then why... why does her care?
Malcolm Moldowsky: Because he's nuts! That's why he's dangerous! I mean, if he was sleeping with her, then I could deal with him, man-to-man, but this is... this is fruitcake love here.
Congressman David Dilbeck: My brain has just turned to shit...
Chris Rojo: Well hey, that's why you're in Congress!
Congressman David Dilbeck: That doesn't look like a regular visitation, does it Erb?
[When Dilbeck fails to appear on stage at a fundraiser, Erb rushes into his hotel suite, looking for him]
Malcolm Moldowsky: [motioning to the bedroom] Get him out of there. Preferably with his clothes on.
Erb Crandal: David...
[sees Dilbeck's attire]
Erb Crandal: Oh, my God! Tell me I'm dreaming. No, no, I cannot believe this! No, no, no, Davey, *no*!
Congressman David Dilbeck: Is this lint fresh?
Erb Crandal: Hot out of the Maytag.
Congressman David Dilbeck: You just can't imagine! This is the very essence of that glorious creature!
Erb Crandal: Why are you all shiny?
Congressman David Dilbeck: It's Vaseline.
Erb Crandal: Oh... oh! It's... great, it's Vaseline!
Congressman David Dilbeck: You've never covered yourself with Vaseline?
Erb Crandal: No, no, not unless I have third degree burns, no.
Congressman David Dilbeck: You don't know what you're missing. I've got it all over. It's down in my boots. I can feel it squishing between my toes...
[Orly hires Lorelei and her trained python away from the Flesh Farm, only they send the snake's dead body]
Orly: Here, go rustle up a new snake.
Shad: Where, the AM/PM? Who the fuck carries pythons at ten o'clock at night?
Orly: There's an all-night snake farm on Route 27. Ask for Jungle Juan. And get rid of that thing! God, I hate this business! You know why? It's lost its humanity.
[at the boat, Darrell peeps at Erin dancing for congressman Dilbeck]
Darrell Grant: Well, there's a sight to raise the dead. Who's that old freak? Hold on a second. I know who that is. Is that the...? Hey, is that that guy from "Price is Right"?
Lt. Al Garcia: [in the morgue] Now here comes that brilliant and charming attorney of yours, Mr. Mordecai. Found him 400 yards offshore. Now show him the rest of his kisser.
Medical Examiner: [uncovers Mordecai's face] Crabs find lawyers a particular delicacy, yeah.
Shad: Looks like lasagna. Cover that shit up.
Lt. Al Garcia: You mind telling me why your name was on his calendar for tomorrow?
Shad: I was involved in a litigation with a yogurt company.
Lt. Al Garcia: Just based on my limited experience, this doesn't look like the sort of thing a yogurt company would ordinarily do. You know, I hear this prick represented the same poor kid who got mauled at your club. Now that I find fascinating, Shad!
Shad: He had a picture...
Shad: Man, I'm gonna lose it!
[the coroner starts to cover Mordecai's face, Garcia stops him]
Lt. Al Garcia: A picture of what? A certain legislator?
Shad: Yeah... beatin' the kid's ass.
Lt. Al Garcia: And where's the original?
Shad: I got no idea.
[the coroner covers up Mordecai, Garcia hands Shad a box of mints]
Lt. Al Garcia: Here, freshen up. Thanks.
Medical Examiner: Can I interest you in dessert?
Lt. Al Garcia: No, just the check.
[the coroner laughs and wheels Mordecai away]
Lt. Al Garcia: [about Erin] Dilbeck didn't invite her back?
Shad: She said no.
Lt. Al Garcia: Well, that's good. Because I don't think she should go back there, even with you. And what was with her tonight? She seemed edgy.
Shad: She got her moods, man. Could be that time of the month.
Lt. Al Garcia: So now you're the gynecologist-bouncer, bouncer-gynecologist?
Shad: Hey! I just watch out for the girls.
Lt. Al Garcia: Wow... so do I. That makes a grand total of two people in the entire state of Florida. Because the higher-ups in my department, they're not exactly pushing this investigation. Is any of this making sense to you?
Shad: Because of this asshole Congressman.
Lt. Al Garcia: Bingo! We've got two homicides here, and nobody gives a shit except you and me. And I'm worried about that girl. She's all alone out there.
Lt. Al Garcia: [re: Angela] Why don't you drop her off at our house?
Erin Grant: I can't do that.
Lt. Al Garcia: Why not? I told Donna everything. Your whole situation. She said if you needed a hand she'd love to help.
Erin Grant: She doesn't think I'm something out of "A Current Affair"?
Lt. Al Garcia: Erin, come on, you're a terrific girl. You know that, right? So you made a mistake a lot of terrific girls make, you married a bum. What are you gonna do? You gonna beat yourself up for the rest of your life?