Memorable quotes for
Sgt. Bilko (1996) More at IMDbPro »

Major Ebersole: Well, in theory, and I wouldn't bet the farm, the tank is supposed to hover several inches over the pond. Then it's supposed to destroy the target, boom, the shed, kaboom, the ammunition dump, boom.
Colonel Hall: Excellent, excellent, one thought though. Maybe it should be boom, boom and *then* kaboom. Sort of a hoo-ah grand finale.
[Stunned silence]
Major Ebersole: I'll make a note of it sir.
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Major Ebersole: Well, theoretically, and I wouldn't bet the farm, the cannon will lift off an hover several inches above the pond.
Colonel Hall: Excellent.
Major Ebersole: Yeah, and then it will engage the targets, the cannon, boom. The ammunition dump, kaboom, the truck boom.
Colonel Hall: Excellent. Uh, one thought. Maybe it should be boom, boom, *then* kaboom. You know, sort of a hooah grand finale, what do you think major?
Major Ebersole: [Stunned silence] I'll make a note of it, sir.
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Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: 20 bucks says I can hit the parking lot.
Pfc. Wally Holbrook: I don't gamble.
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Well, what is it you *do* do?
Pfc. Wally Holbrook: I get up every morning and I get dressed to protect the American way of life.
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Will you tell me that later tonight so I don't have to take a sleeping pill?
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Assistant Casino Manager: Ah, Mister Bilko, you seem to be having quite a run. Is there anything we can do for you?
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Yes, go down to your vault and tell the rest of your money to be patient, we'll be together soon.
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Pfc. Wally Holbrook: [Pvt. Doberman is playing tug-of-war with a horse for a bet] What's going on?
Sgt. Raquel Barbella: It's Private Doberman, he's the one that looks sort of human. Last night in the gym he said, "I feel as strong as a horse." Some guy from Company P overheard him and said, "Yeah, for how much?". That's the golden rule around here, you don't say nothing unless you're prepared to back it up.
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Pfc. Wally Holbrook: Speaking of Doberman, can I please have another roommate?
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Why, what's wrong with Doberman?
Pfc. Wally Holbrook: He wet his bed?
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Oh, well, once in a while...
Pfc. Wally Holbrook: [Cuts off Bilko] No, he did it from across the room.
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Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: If they come, deny everything! Just act dumb. Fender, I'm putting you in charge of that.
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Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Let's go campers. It's 10am. Time to start the day.
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Major Thorn: Catching Bilko is hard as nailing Jell-O to the wall.
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Sgt. Henshaw: "Can't" is a four letter word in this platoon.
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Rita Robbins: I have a masters in manipulation from the University of Bilko.
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Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: I like a sporting event in which I know the outcome ahead of time. It's more organized.
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Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Finally I got a break, they held the division boxing championship at our post. It was a toss-up. Now, to me, that's just sloppy. I like a sporting event in which I know the outcome before-hand, its more organized. I find one of the young pugilists and for a 50-50 split of all the winnings, he agrees to give less than a supreme effort in the squared circle.
Sgt. Raquel Barbella: You paid him to take a dive.
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: of course. I had this corporal working for me, Leo Kletz. The night of the fight I give him the money to pay-off my fighter. Leo misunderstands and gives the money to the other fighter. This fighter is a little surprised but figures "what the heck, its a good price, I'll go down". Meanwhile my guy figures "oh, Bilko must have meant I get the money after I take the dive, no problem I'll go down anyway.
Pvt. Duane Doberman: So both fighters think they're taking a dive?
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Yep.
Sgt. Raquel Barbella: What happened?
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Boxing History. For three rounds nobody hit anyone, it was a dance recital. Finally, I think out of boredom, one of them connected with a right
[scene shows one fighter punch another and then both fighters falling down]
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: .
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Rita Robbins: Ernie, are we going to dance tonight?
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Well, thats up to you. I remember the last time we danced I accidently stepped on your knee.
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Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: I'm paralyzed from the hair down. Make the bad man stop.
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Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
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Colonel Hall: Wha... what's that?
Bilko: Horse shit, sir.
Colonel Hall: Well, what's it doing there?
Bilko: Keeping the flies off the food, sir.
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Pfc. Wally Holbrook: Permission to speak freely, sir?
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: "Permission"? What are we in Russia? Say anything you want!
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[Bilko is playing golf on the army base]
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Twenty bucks says I can hit the parking lot.
Pfc. Wally Holbrook: I don't gamble.
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Well, what is it you *do* do?
Pfc. Wally Holbrook: Permission to speak freely, sergeant.
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Yeah, yeah, yeah, go ahead!
Pfc. Wally Holbrook: I go up every morning and I get dressed to protect the American way of life.
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Will you tell me that later tonight so I won't have to take a sleeping pill?
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[1st Lt Monday can't prove Bilko guilty of any wrongdoing]
1st Lt. Monday: It's like we're watching one hand, and the other keeps pulling rabbits!
Major Thorn: Then lets tie his hands!
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Bilko: [sung while jogging with his troops] I can Barely move my legs! / Do me a favor and kill me now! / Something, Something rhymes with "legs"! / My life is over anyhow!
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Assistant Casino Manager: Is there anything else we can do for you sir?
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Yes, go down to your vaults and tell your money to be patient, we'll be together shortly.
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Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: You can't marry him. You're a Catholic and he's... an asshole, think of the children.
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[after Col. Hall accuses Thorn of inexcusable conduct]
Major Thorn: [to Tennyson] Sir. He doesn't know what's going on. He *never* knowns what's going on. This Sergeant leads him around by the nose!
[Bilko gasps]
General Tennyson: MAJOR! You are the most insubordinate officer I have ever met!
Major Thorn: I'm telling you
[grabs Hall's face]
Major Thorn: HE'S A BOOB! HE DOESN'T GET IT! THEY FAKED THE WHOLE THING!
General Tennyson: I would like to see just one piece of solid evidence to support these IDIOTIC allegations!
Major Thorn: Idiotic, huh?
[produces the stolen component]
Major Thorn: How's this for evidence? The Fire Control and Super Elevator Board. I took it out last night, SO HOW COULD IT WORK!
[Thorn realizes he's been set up and tries to hide the board]
Colonel Hall: So you deliberately sabotaged this project, Major.
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: I got it all on tape.
[produces dictaphone]
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Lucky.
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Pvt. Dino Paparelli: Bilko's gonna think of something. Remember the time I got that letter from my wife saying that she wanted to break up with me? Huh? Remember what Bilko did?
Pfc. Wally Holbrook: He got your wife back?
Pvt. Dino Paparelli: No, he got me another wife! A *better* wife!
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Pfc. Wally Holbrook: [Pvt. Doberman is playing tug-of-war with a horse for a bet] What's going on?
Sgt. Raquel Barbella: It's Private Doberman. He's the one that looks sort of human. The other day in the weight room he said, "I feel as strong as a horse." Some guy in Company P overheard him and said, "Yeah, for how much?"
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Pfc. Wally Holbrook: Speaking of Doberman, can I please have another roommate?
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Why, what's the problem?
Pfc. Wally Holbrook: He wet his bed sir.
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Well, we all make mistakes...
Pfc. Wally Holbrook: No sir, from across the room.
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Major Thorn: If any of this is frightening, you can hold on to me.
Rita Robbins: They're dancing Raisinets.
Major Thorn: And you don't find that frightening?
Rita Robbins: [shakes head and smiles]
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Pvt. Duane Doberman: Sarge, you're crying.
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: [as he admires Las Vegas] It's just so beautiful!
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Pfc. Wally Holbrook: ["Reveille"] Hey, Sarge! Get up. Hurry!
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: What's the matter? What's the matter? Everybody take cover! Gather all the men! Man the battle stations and -
[Bugle continues]
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: What's that music?
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Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: Hello Soldiers.
[the group looks about confused]
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: I'm talking to you. Because that's what you are, really, Soldiers. Every last one you with a couple of exceptions.
Pvt. Dino Paparelli: [to Doberman] He's got a plan.
Pfc. Sam Fender: He sure does.
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: I'm going to tell you a little story. There once was a little boy, and that little boy had a dream to run one of the most sophistocated, illegal gaming operations the United States Army has ever seen.
Pfc. Mickey Zimmerman: [to Morales] He's not worried.
Spc. Tony Morales: [to Zimmerman] Not a bit.
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: And that little boy's dream came true... but now,they're trying to snatch that dream *back* from him.
Pfc. Mickey Zimmerman: He's worried.
Spc. Tony Morales: Its not good.
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: But what are the last two letters in the name Bilko? K-O! Of course the first few letters are B-I-L, which is meaningless. But still, am I giving up? No! Never! Well kind of, but not really, because there is *no Way* I'm going to Greenland. Well, you are probably wondering if I have a plan. Well, of course I have a plan! A P-L-A-N, plan!
[spells on chalkboard "PALN"]
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: But, ha ha ha.
[begins crying]
Pvt. Dino Paparelli: He's got no plan.
Spc. Tony Morales: We're screwed.
Pfc. Wally Holbrook: I have a plan, Sarge.
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: But maybe, a plan is not what I really need. what I really need,
[gets down on knees]
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: is just a little puppy.
[crying and interacting with an imaginary puppy]
Master Sergeant Ernest G. Bilko: A little puppy with big brown eyes, who would just come to me and lick my face, and just love me so much no matter what kind of person I am.
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